If You Were An Older First Time Parent?

[Anonymous]

If you were 35+ with your first child, when did you have a second child? What age gap worked for you? My husband and I have a 4-month-old. I’m 38 ( turning 39 in a couple of months) and he is 40. Our plan is to start trying for a second child when our first is a year old, but now I’m not sure if we should start trying sooner or wait longer. I know the ideal age gap is 3-4 years, but we can’t wait that long. I’m starting to worry that having a child 2 and under with a newborn will be very tough. I have a friend with a newborn and a 20 month old, and she said it’s very hard. What age do you think is he best time to start trying?

[Anonymous]

I didn't have a second child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't have a second child.

same

[Anonymous]

You have to weigh declining fertility with how hard having 2 under 2 will be. Frankly - I would try as soon as you are able (after a year). 2 under 2 will get easier with time. Not having a second one if that is what you want - will be much much harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to weigh declining fertility with how hard having 2 under 2 will be. Frankly - I would try as soon as you are able (after a year). 2 under 2 will get easier with time. Not having a second one if that is what you want - will be much much harder.

Agreed. Even though it is difficult initially, having kids close in age has advantages as they get older.

[Anonymous]

18 months apart, no issues

[Anonymous]

I was 35 and had another one 3 years later. But that's a bit of a different position than you are in.

I think the close age gaps are definitely tough. But if you want a second child, at your age, then that's probably what you're going to need to do.

It's a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things to get through those early years. But yes, it will be very hard.

As an alternative, you could decide you want a second child but are ok not having one too and just wait to try and see what happens when you're 40-41.

[Anonymous]

Given your age, I would say don't wait since our egg supply and egg quality diminishes when we are nearing 40.

Yes, it would be tough. But just think of it as Irish twins - you will get over the diaper changes, tantrums etc at the same time.

[Anonymous]

I was a bit younger than you when I had my first (33) but it had taken us 3 years. I did not think time was on my side, so we started trying at about a year. Got pregnant much sooner with number 2. They are 2 years apart. While I can't lie, it has had it challenges, as a 2 year old is still VERY LITTLE. If we had waited longer, and then had more issues, I would have regretted all those wasted months and I knew that.

It is hard those first years. Mine are 3 and 5 now and it's pretty great. And now the hardest part of the age gap is behind me and I can just enjoy my kids! So well worth it in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 36 and second at 38. The age gap is 2.5. My husband is 10 years older. I have endometriosis and required IVF both times. It is exhausting but I know I wanted a second child and after 1 year, we started exploring our second IVF. I think OBs would recommend that you wait 1 year for the body to recover and I wouldn't try any earlier than that. All the best!

[Anonymous]

First at 35 1/2. Started trying for second at 36 1/2. Tried for a year, then did IVF. Second and last baby at 38 1/2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First at 35 1/2. Started trying for second at 36 1/2. Tried for a year, then did IVF. Second and last baby at 38 1/2.

I personally think the age gap of 3 years is too much. I would have preferred them to be closer in age. Too much competition when the oldest remembers when the second ruined their life.

[Anonymous]

Had my first at 38 and my second at 40. My kids are 26 months apart (Had just turned 38 and was several months into 40). It was fine. A friend has two that are 4 years apart and I think she had a harder time than I did, especially in terms of bringing the two year old along to things that the 6 year old wants to do. Like the pool-big kid wants to be in the big pool but little kid needs her in the baby pool.

[Anonymous]

If you think you want a second child, that should be the deciding factor - not whether the age gap will be more or less difficult. You might end up with your desired age gap anyway if it takes a bit of time to get pregnant, and in any event, there's no magic age gap that is best for everyone. So much depends upon the personalities involved and other personal factors. My kids are 3 years apart (had my first at 35 and my second at 38). I didn't want two kids in diapers at the same time and I wanted a bit more time with just one child, but on the flip side, the age gap seems very pronounced at certain ages and it can be hard to manage that. It's also been hard for other reasons (namely, my second child is a handful). So you never know how it's going to turn out or whether any particular age gap will be harder or easier on YOU.

[Anonymous]

First DD was born when I was 37. Got pregnant with DD#2 when I was 41. We had tried for a smaller age gap, but it just didn't work out. Children will be just about 4 years apart. I'm actually happy with that now. DD#1 is potty trained and far more independent than she was even 6 months ago. I know there will be some challenges based on the larger age gap but, frankly, there are challenges with a smaller age gap, too. I'd rather deal with the challenges than not have DD#2 at all.