Article - The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s parents (yes father AND mother) take care of my kids every week and in the case of my youngest, every day. I don’t really enjoy my in laws being so embedded in my life but it’s great for my kids and, in the estimation of my in laws, great for them too.

I probably should have mentioned, they’re Asian. They actually moved to be close enough to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read any of these articles. But I have told my husband (seriously only half joking) that I'm down for it if he wants another wife. I want veto power, since I'm the first wife, but if he can find a woman who will help take care of our kids (and I love babies, so go ahead and have more) and clean the house and/or work so I can do these things, let's do it. He said, then wouldn't you want another husband? Hell no. One is more than enough work, thankyouverymuch. That is when negotiations stalled.

Lol. Have literally had this exact conversation with my husband. We both need a wife.

Same here. I would love a stay at home wife.

Then don't live in an expensive area and just be one.

DP but I don’t want to *be* one.

I honestly will never understand couples who say they actually want kids (as opposed to it be the "thing" to do) but want them to spend 10 hours with strangers and 2-3 with them. I used to nanny. My last job was with 2 lawyers and 1 was really into politics. If they saw their kids 5 hours during the weekdays, it would be a miracle. It was their "thing" to do and nothing more. There is plenty of ways to work schedules together, work from home, take turns working PT, take turns taking time off, and other ways to make it work. Most people just choose their job over their kids. They choose money and materials over love/bonding. Most people regret how little time they spend with their kids if they find out they were really sick or terminally ill. You only have one life and kids are only little for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read any of these articles. But I have told my husband (seriously only half joking) that I'm down for it if he wants another wife. I want veto power, since I'm the first wife, but if he can find a woman who will help take care of our kids (and I love babies, so go ahead and have more) and clean the house and/or work so I can do these things, let's do it. He said, then wouldn't you want another husband? Hell no. One is more than enough work, thankyouverymuch. That is when negotiations stalled.

Lol. Have literally had this exact conversation with my husband. We both need a wife.

Same here. I would love a stay at home wife.

Then don't live in an expensive area and just be one.

DP but I don’t want to *be* one.

I honestly will never understand couples who say they actually want kids (as opposed to it be the "thing" to do) but want them to spend 10 hours with strangers and 2-3 with them. I used to nanny. My last job was with 2 lawyers and 1 was really into politics. If they saw their kids 5 hours during the weekdays, it would be a miracle. It was their "thing" to do and nothing more. There is plenty of ways to work schedules together, work from home, take turns working PT, take turns taking time off, and other ways to make it work. Most people just choose their job over their kids. They choose money and materials over love/bonding. Most people regret how little time they spend with their kids if they find out they were really sick or terminally ill. You only have one life and kids are only little for so long.

You were a stranger to the kids you nannied?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like this only works if older women are expected to take on more free labor and women have babies younger so their moms can care for them. No thank you. Yes life would be great with free childcare, cooking, and cleaning but I would never want my mom burdened with that in the joyous years of her retirement where for the first time ever she can prioritize her own needs and desired. And I’d also never want my still working mil to give up her fulfilling career to wipe bottoms. Why are the older women whose expense this model comes at ignored or just assumed to be so #grateful to still have to spend their time doing domestic labor

Agree but no one is talking about forcing grandmas. Also, if my mom likes to cook but hates yard work, the idea is a win win. Not Marthas from the Handmaids Tale.

Eh, I think that's the main assumption of the entire article. When Brooks talks about the help of extended relatives, he isn't referring to grandpa.

This is so true. When the director was describing his movie about the family disintegrating, he actually referred to a Thanksgiving where the old men sat around watching the game while the women were busy preparing and cleaning up from the meal. And this was the "good ol' days" in their opinions! Sorry, no one in our generation wants to live like that. It all depends on women's unpaid and unvalued labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read any of these articles. But I have told my husband (seriously only half joking) that I'm down for it if he wants another wife. I want veto power, since I'm the first wife, but if he can find a woman who will help take care of our kids (and I love babies, so go ahead and have more) and clean the house and/or work so I can do these things, let's do it. He said, then wouldn't you want another husband? Hell no. One is more than enough work, thankyouverymuch. That is when negotiations stalled.

Lol. Have literally had this exact conversation with my husband. We both need a wife.

Same here. I would love a stay at home wife.

Then don't live in an expensive area and just be one.

DP but I don’t want to *be* one.

I honestly will never understand couples who say they actually want kids (as opposed to it be the "thing" to do) but want them to spend 10 hours with strangers and 2-3 with them. I used to nanny. My last job was with 2 lawyers and 1 was really into politics. If they saw their kids 5 hours during the weekdays, it would be a miracle. It was their "thing" to do and nothing more. There is plenty of ways to work schedules together, work from home, take turns working PT, take turns taking time off, and other ways to make it work. Most people just choose their job over their kids. They choose money and materials over love/bonding. Most people regret how little time they spend with their kids if they find out they were really sick or terminally ill. You only have one life and kids are only little for so long.

5 hours on a weekday? LOL there are SAHMs who don’t spend 5 hours on weekdays with their school aged kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read any of these articles. But I have told my husband (seriously only half joking) that I'm down for it if he wants another wife. I want veto power, since I'm the first wife, but if he can find a woman who will help take care of our kids (and I love babies, so go ahead and have more) and clean the house and/or work so I can do these things, let's do it. He said, then wouldn't you want another husband? Hell no. One is more than enough work, thankyouverymuch. That is when negotiations stalled.

Lol. Have literally had this exact conversation with my husband. We both need a wife.

I have also told anyone who will listen that I need a wife. And hell no on another husband!!

[Anonymous]

I don't know, we spent Christmas dinner with close friends and their children and it was wonderful. Last year we spent Christmas Eve dinner with my in-laws and we were all miserable. I think people who mourn the loss of close-knit families actually have family members they like, or could at least tolerate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read any of these articles. But I have told my husband (seriously only half joking) that I'm down for it if he wants another wife. I want veto power, since I'm the first wife, but if he can find a woman who will help take care of our kids (and I love babies, so go ahead and have more) and clean the house and/or work so I can do these things, let's do it. He said, then wouldn't you want another husband? Hell no. One is more than enough work, thankyouverymuch. That is when negotiations stalled.

Lol. Have literally had this exact conversation with my husband. We both need a wife.

Same here. I would love a stay at home wife.

I call my nanny my stay at home wife. She's amazing.

[Anonymous]

interest article with a stupid headline

[Anonymous]

Meh, my family sucks. I’ve replaced them with friends. The options here aren’t binary - family or alone. There are a million different ways to find and build a community/family.

[Anonymous]

My in laws are insane. Really, pick your poison - narcissistic personality disorder, abusive, just plain crazy - I Don’t think spending more time with them would make me happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like this only works if older women are expected to take on more free labor and women have babies younger so their moms can care for them. No thank you. Yes life would be great with free childcare, cooking, and cleaning but I would never want my mom burdened with that in the joyous years of her retirement where for the first time ever she can prioritize her own needs and desired. And I’d also never want my still working mil to give up her fulfilling career to wipe bottoms. Why are the older women whose expense this model comes at ignored or just assumed to be so #grateful to still have to spend their time doing domestic labor

Agree but no one is talking about forcing grandmas. Also, if my mom likes to cook but hates yard work, the idea is a win win. Not Marthas from the Handmaids Tale.

Eh, I think that's the main assumption of the entire article. When Brooks talks about the help of extended relatives, he isn't referring to grandpa.

No, this article is not just about women providing free childcare. The help we received as a family came from both male and female relatives. When I was a kid my grandpa who lived nearby would babysit us. When my dad broke his leg my uncles were on the spot to help him down the stairs and get him to and from the doctor appointments. That is what family does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read any of these articles. But I have told my husband (seriously only half joking) that I'm down for it if he wants another wife. I want veto power, since I'm the first wife, but if he can find a woman who will help take care of our kids (and I love babies, so go ahead and have more) and clean the house and/or work so I can do these things, let's do it. He said, then wouldn't you want another husband? Hell no. One is more than enough work, thankyouverymuch. That is when negotiations stalled.

Lol. Have literally had this exact conversation with my husband. We both need a wife.

Same here. I would love a stay at home wife.

Then don't live in an expensive area and just be one.

DP but I don’t want to *be* one.

I honestly will never understand couples who say they actually want kids (as opposed to it be the "thing" to do) but want them to spend 10 hours with strangers and 2-3 with them. I used to nanny. My last job was with 2 lawyers and 1 was really into politics. If they saw their kids 5 hours during the weekdays, it would be a miracle. It was their "thing" to do and nothing more. There is plenty of ways to work schedules together, work from home, take turns working PT, take turns taking time off, and other ways to make it work. Most people just choose their job over their kids. They choose money and materials over love/bonding. Most people regret how little time they spend with their kids if they find out they were really sick or terminally ill. You only have one life and kids are only little for so long.

It's sadder that some parents can't afford childcare, or don't have the option of spending time with their kids because they can't afford not to work. At least the family you nannied for could afford good childcare...right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read any of these articles. But I have told my husband (seriously only half joking) that I'm down for it if he wants another wife. I want veto power, since I'm the first wife, but if he can find a woman who will help take care of our kids (and I love babies, so go ahead and have more) and clean the house and/or work so I can do these things, let's do it. He said, then wouldn't you want another husband? Hell no. One is more than enough work, thankyouverymuch. That is when negotiations stalled.

Lol. Have literally had this exact conversation with my husband. We both need a wife.

Same here. I would love a stay at home wife.

Then don't live in an expensive area and just be one.

DP but I don’t want to *be* one.

I honestly will never understand couples who say they actually want kids (as opposed to it be the "thing" to do) but want them to spend 10 hours with strangers and 2-3 with them. I used to nanny. My last job was with 2 lawyers and 1 was really into politics. If they saw their kids 5 hours during the weekdays, it would be a miracle. It was their "thing" to do and nothing more. There is plenty of ways to work schedules together, work from home, take turns working PT, take turns taking time off, and other ways to make it work. Most people just choose their job over their kids. They choose money and materials over love/bonding. Most people regret how little time they spend with their kids if they find out they were really sick or terminally ill. You only have one life and kids are only little for so long.

5 hours on a weekday? LOL there are SAHMs who don’t spend 5 hours on weekdays with their school aged kids

5 hours total all week. Mon-Fri. I worked until 8pm and gave the kids baths and put them to bed. If one did come home before bed, they would sometimes sit and talk to them and then go up and exercise while I put them to bed. They liked having the flexibility at night. Many times they would ask me to stay even later so they could go to evening political functions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like this only works if older women are expected to take on more free labor and women have babies younger so their moms can care for them. No thank you. Yes life would be great with free childcare, cooking, and cleaning but I would never want my mom burdened with that in the joyous years of her retirement where for the first time ever she can prioritize her own needs and desired. And I’d also never want my still working mil to give up her fulfilling career to wipe bottoms. Why are the older women whose expense this model comes at ignored or just assumed to be so #grateful to still have to spend their time doing domestic labor

Agree but no one is talking about forcing grandmas. Also, if my mom likes to cook but hates yard work, the idea is a win win. Not Marthas from the Handmaids Tale.

Eh, I think that's the main assumption of the entire article. When Brooks talks about the help of extended relatives, he isn't referring to grandpa.

No, this article is not just about women providing free childcare. The help we received as a family came from both male and female relatives. When I was a kid my grandpa who lived nearby would babysit us. When my dad broke his leg my uncles were on the spot to help him down the stairs and get him to and from the doctor appointments. That is what family does.

Yes. It is the role that other people play in supporting the family. It does not have to be grandparents providing free childcare on a daily basis, or having female relatives helping to cook at holidays. It could be playing ball in the backyard, taking kids to a county fair, picking them up at school when they are sick. There are benefits of having family or some alternative support structure in place. And conversely, there is our own ability to provide that support for others, whether they are family or friends.