Article - The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with much of the concepts raised by the article.

But find it surprising coming from David Brooks, who left his wife and children for his younger research assistant. How did that impact his nuclear family?

Are you suggesting that someone can't know alcohol is bad and still be an alcoholic?

I am not the previous poster, but I think he has lost his credibility on this subject. Yes, I judge his actions.

He has made it sound in interviews like his wife left him (due to his workaholism). Sounds like he was pretty devastated for a long time.

workaholism=Spending all his time with his research assistant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read any of these articles. But I have told my husband (seriously only half joking) that I'm down for it if he wants another wife. I want veto power, since I'm the first wife, but if he can find a woman who will help take care of our kids (and I love babies, so go ahead and have more) and clean the house and/or work so I can do these things, let's do it. He said, then wouldn't you want another husband? Hell no. One is more than enough work, thankyouverymuch. That is when negotiations stalled.

Lol. Have literally had this exact conversation with my husband. We both need a wife.

Same here. I would love a stay at home wife.

Same! And I don’t even mind if DH sleeps with her too. I’m prepared for a full on sister wife. If she loves kids and likes keeping a nice home, she’s welcome in our family.

[Anonymous]

For me the answer is to be friends with the people in my life, including coworkers and everyone else I see daily. I also live in the city not out in the burbs.

[Anonymous]

It seems like this only works if older women are expected to take on more free labor and women have babies younger so their moms can care for them. No thank you. Yes life would be great with free childcare, cooking, and cleaning but I would never want my mom burdened with that in the joyous years of her retirement where for the first time ever she can prioritize her own needs and desired. And I’d also never want my still working mil to give up her fulfilling career to wipe bottoms. Why are the older women whose expense this model comes at ignored or just assumed to be so #grateful to still have to spend their time doing domestic labor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like this only works if older women are expected to take on more free labor and women have babies younger so their moms can care for them. No thank you. Yes life would be great with free childcare, cooking, and cleaning but I would never want my mom burdened with that in the joyous years of her retirement where for the first time ever she can prioritize her own needs and desired. And I’d also never want my still working mil to give up her fulfilling career to wipe bottoms. Why are the older women whose expense this model comes at ignored or just assumed to be so #grateful to still have to spend their time doing domestic labor

+ 1

Everyone who is bellyaching about this and itching to go back to the 50s or earlier needs to ask themselves: are YOU willing to provide full time childcare to your grand kids? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like this only works if older women are expected to take on more free labor and women have babies younger so their moms can care for them. No thank you. Yes life would be great with free childcare, cooking, and cleaning but I would never want my mom burdened with that in the joyous years of her retirement where for the first time ever she can prioritize her own needs and desired. And I’d also never want my still working mil to give up her fulfilling career to wipe bottoms. Why are the older women whose expense this model comes at ignored or just assumed to be so #grateful to still have to spend their time doing domestic labor

Very good point especially about how women are having babies later (and thus extended relatives are older too). It's one thing to be on hand in a pinch but another to be expected to do all the hard labor of childrearing (again).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like this only works if older women are expected to take on more free labor and women have babies younger so their moms can care for them. No thank you. Yes life would be great with free childcare, cooking, and cleaning but I would never want my mom burdened with that in the joyous years of her retirement where for the first time ever she can prioritize her own needs and desired. And I’d also never want my still working mil to give up her fulfilling career to wipe bottoms. Why are the older women whose expense this model comes at ignored or just assumed to be so #grateful to still have to spend their time doing domestic labor

Agree but no one is talking about forcing grandmas. Also, if my mom likes to cook but hates yard work, the idea is a win win. Not Marthas from the Handmaids Tale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like this only works if older women are expected to take on more free labor and women have babies younger so their moms can care for them. No thank you. Yes life would be great with free childcare, cooking, and cleaning but I would never want my mom burdened with that in the joyous years of her retirement where for the first time ever she can prioritize her own needs and desired. And I’d also never want my still working mil to give up her fulfilling career to wipe bottoms. Why are the older women whose expense this model comes at ignored or just assumed to be so #grateful to still have to spend their time doing domestic labor

Agree but no one is talking about forcing grandmas. Also, if my mom likes to cook but hates yard work, the idea is a win win. Not Marthas from the Handmaids Tale.

Eh, I think that's the main assumption of the entire article. When Brooks talks about the help of extended relatives, he isn't referring to grandpa.

[Anonymous]

My husband’s parents (yes father AND mother) take care of my kids every week and in the case of my youngest, every day. I don’t really enjoy my in laws being so embedded in my life but it’s great for my kids and, in the estimation of my in laws, great for them too.

[Anonymous]

This problem doesn’t exist everywhere though. I’m from the South originally and we now live in the Midwest, both in my hometown and where we are now, almost everyone lives near extended family. Where we live now (in the Milwaukee area) we and one other family are the only ones of our group of friends and neighbors who don’t have grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc in the area. When we lived in DC I didn’t know anyone who had extended family nearby. And I’m sure in any really expensive area (NYC, anywhere in CA, DC, Seattle, Boston, etc) there won’t be as many ppl who have extended family around as most can’t afford to live there, esp retired grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like this only works if older women are expected to take on more free labor and women have babies younger so their moms can care for them. No thank you. Yes life would be great with free childcare, cooking, and cleaning but I would never want my mom burdened with that in the joyous years of her retirement where for the first time ever she can prioritize her own needs and desired. And I’d also never want my still working mil to give up her fulfilling career to wipe bottoms. Why are the older women whose expense this model comes at ignored or just assumed to be so #grateful to still have to spend their time doing domestic labor

+ 1

Everyone who is bellyaching about this and itching to go back to the 50s or earlier needs to ask themselves: are YOU willing to provide full time childcare to your grand kids? Probably not.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read any of these articles. But I have told my husband (seriously only half joking) that I'm down for it if he wants another wife. I want veto power, since I'm the first wife, but if he can find a woman who will help take care of our kids (and I love babies, so go ahead and have more) and clean the house and/or work so I can do these things, let's do it. He said, then wouldn't you want another husband? Hell no. One is more than enough work, thankyouverymuch. That is when negotiations stalled.

Lol. Have literally had this exact conversation with my husband. We both need a wife.

Same here. I would love a stay at home wife.

Then don't live in an expensive area and just be one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read any of these articles. But I have told my husband (seriously only half joking) that I'm down for it if he wants another wife. I want veto power, since I'm the first wife, but if he can find a woman who will help take care of our kids (and I love babies, so go ahead and have more) and clean the house and/or work so I can do these things, let's do it. He said, then wouldn't you want another husband? Hell no. One is more than enough work, thankyouverymuch. That is when negotiations stalled.

Lol. Have literally had this exact conversation with my husband. We both need a wife.

Same here. I would love a stay at home wife.

Then don't live in an expensive area and just be one.

DP but I don’t want to *be* one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This problem doesn’t exist everywhere though. I’m from the South originally and we now live in the Midwest, both in my hometown and where we are now, almost everyone lives near extended family. Where we live now (in the Milwaukee area) we and one other family are the only ones of our group of friends and neighbors who don’t have grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc in the area. When we lived in DC I didn’t know anyone who had extended family nearby. And I’m sure in any really expensive area (NYC, anywhere in CA, DC, Seattle, Boston, etc) there won’t be as many ppl who have extended family around as most can’t afford to live there, esp retired grandparents.

No one wants to live in DC forever. We are the more transient city in American. They live here because they have to. No one really likes each other. It sucks here. Same with San Fransisco. Too overworked and too unhappy.

I know plenty of lifers with extended family in NYC, Philly, and Boston though.

[Anonymous]

The boomers have no interest in helping with their grandchildren. They are too busy living their best life.

All my millennial friends with small kids have perfectly healthy boomer parents who are totally uninterested in helping with grandkids.

I wish every day that DH or I had helpful parents. We’ve never had even an hour of childcare that we didn’t pay for. Instead we’re anticipating our parents someday relying on us for financial support.