My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with OP. That is a lot. Like it or not any visitor throws off a schedule a bit or makes you act a little differently in your own home. I like to eat ice cream in my robe and watch Schitts Creek one night a week in the family room while DH plays tennis. But if my IL were visiting i couldn't do that. Or some nights i crash after the kids go to bed. I wouldn't feel right 'ditching' them at 8pm.
It is just too much. For some not to see that is baffling.

That's on you. I say goodnight after the kids are in bed (8:30) and read or watch TV on my iPad in my bedroom. On the first night, I chat for about an hour first. After that, I've seen them a lot during the day, so I don't also need to give them my full evening. If something is "just too much," change what you're doing, dum-dum!

Why is it not acceptable for the change that OP makes to restrict her in-laws staying over for days at a time whenever they want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents lived next door and it was the most wonderful thing for me growing up. And I loved big birthday gatherings and family get togethers. I get what you are saying OP, but please consider what your kids may want.

Answer honestly. I'm willing to bet that your grandparents didn't attend your athletic events, (even away games), drive you around town, go to every other school day event, drive carpool, in other words act as substitute parents. I believe this a generational phenomenon.

My grandparents were 4 hours away and only ever visited us over major holidays. Never would have expected them to visit for any other reason and thy ere loving and kind.

[Anonymous]

PP 7:12 and wanted to say that my local IL go to my kids' sports events. It's over the top and smothering. MIL insists she be treated like royalty; often forgets a chair, so DH leaves to fetch her one, insists that she'll chat the entire time (usually to me), to the exclusion of all other parents. She once berated me because I left the stands to sit next to another friend. Told me she felt disrespected. Her own DH and my DH were there.

DH emails the schedule. I hate that they go to very game. It's all about my MIL and "face time." Also infuriating that is all so shallow. ILs couldn't name one friend of DC. Can't come to any religious or academic event. Not interested. But, if we forget to tell them when a game is...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with OP. That is a lot. Like it or not any visitor throws off a schedule a bit or makes you act a little differently in your own home. I like to eat ice cream in my robe and watch Schitts Creek one night a week in the family room while DH plays tennis. But if my IL were visiting i couldn't do that. Or some nights i crash after the kids go to bed. I wouldn't feel right 'ditching' them at 8pm.
It is just too much. For some not to see that is baffling.

That's on you. I say goodnight after the kids are in bed (8:30) and read or watch TV on my iPad in my bedroom. On the first night, I chat for about an hour first. After that, I've seen them a lot during the day, so I don't also need to give them my full evening. If something is "just too much," change what you're doing, dum-dum!

Why is it not acceptable for the change that OP makes to restrict her in-laws staying over for days at a time whenever they want?

I say that's fine! She needs to work that out with DH.

In the meantime, YOU can stop whining about Schitt's Creek and go watch it.

[Anonymous]

I’m with op. Guests that often is too much. I like the designated weekend idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't know why all of the sudden people decided to start attacking me and calling me a terrible mother, but I think I've had enough of this thread.

I'm very confident both in my children's relationships with both sets of grandparents and in my family's need for boundaries. Thanks to those of you who provided helpful advice.

Probably because the OP of another thread called you and some others out over here: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/843373.page

It’s a very uncool thing to do, especially since you have a legitimately annoying situation going on, now matter how much you may love your in-laws. Many of us completely get it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with OP. That is a lot. Like it or not any visitor throws off a schedule a bit or makes you act a little differently in your own home. I like to eat ice cream in my robe and watch Schitts Creek one night a week in the family room while DH plays tennis. But if my IL were visiting i couldn't do that. Or some nights i crash after the kids go to bed. I wouldn't feel right 'ditching' them at 8pm.
It is just too much. For some not to see that is baffling.

That's on you. I say goodnight after the kids are in bed (8:30) and read or watch TV on my iPad in my bedroom. On the first night, I chat for about an hour first. After that, I've seen them a lot during the day, so I don't also need to give them my full evening. If something is "just too much," change what you're doing, dum-dum!

Why is it not acceptable for the change that OP makes to restrict her in-laws staying over for days at a time whenever they want?

I say that's fine! She needs to work that out with DH.

In the meantime, YOU can stop whining about Schitt's Creek and go watch it.

I wasn't the one whining about Schitt's Creek. I'm happy to watch it wherever in my house. I do think it is completely reasonable for OP to not want to have non-nuclear family members staying with her. I do think it is completely reasonable for her to want to be able to use her own living room to relax without her MIL sitting there making conversation. You really make it sound like the OP should just accommodate these relatives who come whenever they want, stay as long as is convenient for them (e.g., leave Saturday so that they can go to church), and are territorial about OP's family (e.g., are upset that OP and fam saw her pareants for Thanksgiving and insisted on coming over before they were even unpacked from that trip when I think everyone knows there will be some winter recital or sports event sometime in the next week and a half they could attend).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with OP. That is a lot. Like it or not any visitor throws off a schedule a bit or makes you act a little differently in your own home. I like to eat ice cream in my robe and watch Schitts Creek one night a week in the family room while DH plays tennis. But if my IL were visiting i couldn't do that. Or some nights i crash after the kids go to bed. I wouldn't feel right 'ditching' them at 8pm.
It is just too much. For some not to see that is baffling.

That's on you. I say goodnight after the kids are in bed (8:30) and read or watch TV on my iPad in my bedroom. On the first night, I chat for about an hour first. After that, I've seen them a lot during the day, so I don't also need to give them my full evening. If something is "just too much," change what you're doing, dum-dum!

Why is it not acceptable for the change that OP makes to restrict her in-laws staying over for days at a time whenever they want?

I say that's fine! She needs to work that out with DH.

In the meantime, YOU can stop whining about Schitt's Creek and go watch it.

I wasn't the one whining about Schitt's Creek. I'm happy to watch it wherever in my house. I do think it is completely reasonable for OP to not want to have non-nuclear family members staying with her. I do think it is completely reasonable for her to want to be able to use her own living room to relax without her MIL sitting there making conversation. You really make it sound like the OP should just accommodate these relatives who come whenever they want, stay as long as is convenient for them (e.g., leave Saturday so that they can go to church), and are territorial about OP's family (e.g., are upset that OP and fam saw her pareants for Thanksgiving and insisted on coming over before they were even unpacked from that trip when I think everyone knows there will be some winter recital or sports event sometime in the next week and a half they could attend).

Nope. I didn't say anything about the OP. I directly replied to a poster who complained that wah-wah, I can't do my routine when they visit, blah blah. YES, YOU CAN. Stand up, walk out of the room, go watch your show. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 5 hour drive... Dies that mean they stay overnight with you every single time there’s a kids event?

Yeah. That has to stop. Talk to your husband. Stop telling them about events.

OP here. Yes, and this is the biggest issue - having to deal with houseguests in our tiny house and completely lose access to our basement (which doubles as our guest room) for 3-4 days (because they also frequently visit mid-week so as to be able to get home in time for church Sunday morning).

And yes, these are the only grandkids, and DH's sibling is unlikely to have children at this point, so they will remain the only grandkids.

They ask about events, and I don't want to lie about them. DH will casually mention "oh, Jon has a basketball game coming up" and then they'll press for details, blah blah. Also, DH doesn't see the problem and just rolls his eyes when I complain. So I suppose this is a 50-50 DH AND in-law issue.

Move closer to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP 7:12 and wanted to say that my local IL go to my kids' sports events. It's over the top and smothering. MIL insists she be treated like royalty; often forgets a chair, so DH leaves to fetch her one, insists that she'll chat the entire time (usually to me), to the exclusion of all other parents. She once berated me because I left the stands to sit next to another friend. Told me she felt disrespected. Her own DH and my DH were there.

DH emails the schedule. I hate that they go to very game. It's all about my MIL and "face time." Also infuriating that is all so shallow. ILs couldn't name one friend of DC. Can't come to any religious or academic event. Not interested. But, if we forget to tell them when a game is...

I have a lot of sympathy for you. We are in a similar situation, though my ILs are actually very nice and interested in my kids' teammates, just way overly obsessed with the kids' sports. They were so over the top with their cheering that one of my kids banned them from most of her sporting events (soccer was OK because there was a lot of sideline noise, but they weren't allowed to attend her basketball games or cross country meets).

My FIL was permitted to attend my son's college showcase events only after swearing that he would not approach any college coaches or scouts to talk about our son. He was absolutely incorrigible. At one event my DH dropped him off near the field and elicited the usual promise to keep to himself. After he parked the car, he returned to find FIL in the coach's tent. Every single coach who recruited our son mentioned they had chatted with his grandfather at multiple events. We laugh about it now, but it was maddening at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with OP. That is a lot. Like it or not any visitor throws off a schedule a bit or makes you act a little differently in your own home. I like to eat ice cream in my robe and watch Schitts Creek one night a week in the family room while DH plays tennis. But if my IL were visiting i couldn't do that. Or some nights i crash after the kids go to bed. I wouldn't feel right 'ditching' them at 8pm.
It is just too much. For some not to see that is baffling.

That's on you. I say goodnight after the kids are in bed (8:30) and read or watch TV on my iPad in my bedroom. On the first night, I chat for about an hour first. After that, I've seen them a lot during the day, so I don't also need to give them my full evening. If something is "just too much," change what you're doing, dum-dum!

Why is it not acceptable for the change that OP makes to restrict her in-laws staying over for days at a time whenever they want?

I say that's fine! She needs to work that out with DH.

In the meantime, YOU can stop whining about Schitt's Creek and go watch it.

I wasn't the one whining about Schitt's Creek. I'm happy to watch it wherever in my house. I do think it is completely reasonable for OP to not want to have non-nuclear family members staying with her. I do think it is completely reasonable for her to want to be able to use her own living room to relax without her MIL sitting there making conversation. You really make it sound like the OP should just accommodate these relatives who come whenever they want, stay as long as is convenient for them (e.g., leave Saturday so that they can go to church), and are territorial about OP's family (e.g., are upset that OP and fam saw her pareants for Thanksgiving and insisted on coming over before they were even unpacked from that trip when I think everyone knows there will be some winter recital or sports event sometime in the next week and a half they could attend).

Nope. I didn't say anything about the OP. I directly replied to a poster who complained that wah-wah, I can't do my routine when they visit, blah blah. YES, YOU CAN. Stand up, walk out of the room, go watch your show. Problem solved.

If the routine involves watching Schitt's Creek in the family room, then OP is entitled to do that. It is completely reasonable for OP to not want to have non-nuclear family members staying with her and occupying common living areas with such frequency. It it is completely reasonable for her to want to be able to use her own living room to relax without her MIL being in the house at all.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. Attending every single event is too much IMO too, even if they were closer. I don’t know what you would do about though now that it has been happening a long time.

It’s great they love their grandkids, but they don’t need to attend every single thing to show that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who's telling them all the plans?

Key question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with OP. That is a lot. Like it or not any visitor throws off a schedule a bit or makes you act a little differently in your own home. I like to eat ice cream in my robe and watch Schitts Creek one night a week in the family room while DH plays tennis. But if my IL were visiting i couldn't do that. Or some nights i crash after the kids go to bed. I wouldn't feel right 'ditching' them at 8pm.
It is just too much. For some not to see that is baffling.

That's on you. I say goodnight after the kids are in bed (8:30) and read or watch TV on my iPad in my bedroom. On the first night, I chat for about an hour first. After that, I've seen them a lot during the day, so I don't also need to give them my full evening. If something is "just too much," change what you're doing, dum-dum!

Why is it not acceptable for the change that OP makes to restrict her in-laws staying over for days at a time whenever they want?

I say that's fine! She needs to work that out with DH.

In the meantime, YOU can stop whining about Schitt's Creek and go watch it.

I wasn't the one whining about Schitt's Creek. I'm happy to watch it wherever in my house. I do think it is completely reasonable for OP to not want to have non-nuclear family members staying with her. I do think it is completely reasonable for her to want to be able to use her own living room to relax without her MIL sitting there making conversation. You really make it sound like the OP should just accommodate these relatives who come whenever they want, stay as long as is convenient for them (e.g., leave Saturday so that they can go to church), and are territorial about OP's family (e.g., are upset that OP and fam saw her pareants for Thanksgiving and insisted on coming over before they were even unpacked from that trip when I think everyone knows there will be some winter recital or sports event sometime in the next week and a half they could attend).

I.
Never.
Said.
Anything.
About.
OP.
I AGREE WITH YOU.

That said, the Schitt's Creek whiner needs to stop whining, walk out of the room, and pick up the remote. End of story.

[Anonymous]

OP! PP 7:20 and I've given this some thought. Not only do YOU and DH miss out on time together supporting your children, but also I'd argue that to have ILs there at every single event also inhibits YOU from expanding your social circle, meeting other parents,too.

When my ILs are with me/us at games, it changes the whole dynamic! It would be so nice to sit next to DH and share the experience, catch up on our day, or, just watch or participate together. That all changes with an IL on either side of you. I'm fortunate that ILs drive away after games, but you don't even have that.

Recently, I've taken to skipping out on a game if I know my ILs will be there. Or, I'll arrive late, grab a seat and accidentally on purpose not look for the rest of my family/ILs. Sad, but true.

Talk to your DH and say you miss spending time with him. Hell, toss in that it is inhibiting your sex life and/or is killing your sex drive. I'm sure this is true.

If I knew you in real life, I'd come over and rescue you during an event and invite you to spend time at my house, away from the ILs.