My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event

[Anonymous]

You gotta reframe this. Sure they can come to anything they want! But they can't spend the night more than 2-3 nights a month and must clear it ahead of time.

Sounds like the basement guestroom needs to become unavailable for a little while to reset everyone's expectations.

I would not treat them like guests when they come either. They can find the clean sheets and towels, they can run to the store, they can help cook dinner.

Perhaps a standing weekend would be a good idea. That way, you can say "oh yes Johnny has a game this weekend, but remember we're planning to have you come next weekend for his karate jamboree, so save your driving for that! See you in a week!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws live 20 minutes away in the same county and have never come over on my kids’ birthdays, never attended any of their sporting events, and never attended any school events. Even the annual grandparents day. It’s sad and the kids notice.

They do expect us to visit them frequently though.

The grass isn’t always greener.

This is my mother. She sucks. I wish my kids had OPs "problem".

OP, just keep in mind, this is about the kids. Your kids are so fortunate to have loving grandparents. There is a tremendous psychologist impact on having a loving supportive family. Try to think of your kids first,

This. I really worry about the kids being raised by our generation. Let.go.of.your.control.issues. This isn't about you. It is about people loving your kids and wanting to be a part to their lives. Your kids are lucky to have loving grandparents. This is your issue.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents lived next door and it was the most wonderful thing for me growing up. And I loved big birthday gatherings and family get togethers. I get what you are saying OP, but please consider what your kids may want.

[Anonymous]

Total DH problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gotta reframe this. Sure they can come to anything they want! But they can't spend the night more than 2-3 nights a month and must clear it ahead of time.

Sounds like the basement guestroom needs to become unavailable for a little while to reset everyone's expectations.

I would not treat them like guests when they come either. They can find the clean sheets and towels, they can run to the store, they can help cook dinner.

Perhaps a standing weekend would be a good idea. That way, you can say "oh yes Johnny has a game this weekend, but remember we're planning to have you come next weekend for his karate jamboree, so save your driving for that! See you in a week!"

The bolded. I think that if they want to come to every school/extracurricular event, that is fine, but they can't stay with you. Normally I'd say have your husband talk to them, but it really sounds like you need to talk to him and then you BOTH need to talk to them and say, "Mom and Dad, we love seeing you and we love how involved you are with Rachel and Ross, but we can't host you mid-week as often as you are coming. If you still want to come to every basketball game, we are happy to see you/sit with you/have dinner afterward, but then you guys will either need to stay in a hotel or head home because we can't host. We'd like to propose that you come stay with us for one weekend a month, but beyond that, you guys will need to find other lodging."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents lived next door and it was the most wonderful thing for me growing up. And I loved big birthday gatherings and family get togethers. I get what you are saying OP, but please consider what your kids may want.

In that case your grandparents had their own house. Op’s issue is that she basically has houseguests every couple of weeks for a few days at a time. That would drive most people nuts!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents lived next door and it was the most wonderful thing for me growing up. And I loved big birthday gatherings and family get togethers. I get what you are saying OP, but please consider what your kids may want.

In that case your grandparents had their own house. Op’s issue is that she basically has houseguests every couple of weeks for a few days at a time. That would drive most people nuts!!

I get that, but I think it's time to drop the formalities and treat them as family and not houseguests. If they are visiting every 2-3 weeks then they need to fend for themselves and be put to work. This might also open up a line of communication and allow OP to be more direct with them. Seems like they are retired, maybe they can move a little closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents lived next door and it was the most wonderful thing for me growing up. And I loved big birthday gatherings and family get togethers. I get what you are saying OP, but please consider what your kids may want.

In that case your grandparents had their own house. Op’s issue is that she basically has houseguests every couple of weeks for a few days at a time. That would drive most people nuts!!

I get that, but I think it's time to drop the formalities and treat them as family and not houseguests. If they are visiting every 2-3 weeks then they need to fend for themselves and be put to work. This might also open up a line of communication and allow OP to be more direct with them. Seems like they are retired, maybe they can move a little closer.

OP has a say (even veto power!) in whether she effectively lives with her in-laws. Their wishes don’t trump hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents lived next door and it was the most wonderful thing for me growing up. And I loved big birthday gatherings and family get togethers. I get what you are saying OP, but please consider what your kids may want.

In that case your grandparents had their own house. Op’s issue is that she basically has houseguests every couple of weeks for a few days at a time. That would drive most people nuts!!

I get that, but I think it's time to drop the formalities and treat them as family and not houseguests. If they are visiting every 2-3 weeks then they need to fend for themselves and be put to work. This might also open up a line of communication and allow OP to be more direct with them. Seems like they are retired, maybe they can move a little closer.

OP has a say (even veto power!) in whether she effectively lives with her in-laws. Their wishes don’t trump hers.

Of course she does. All I am saying is that while this is a problem for her, rightfully so, this kind of close relationship may be very beneficial to her kids and husband. I am not sure she fully appreciates the latter, but I could be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are they and how old are the kids? First of all, you don’t have to tell them about every play or game. I understand needing space.

Right now I’m about to feel really old when I say this, but time will fly by. Overnight we went to be overwhelmed with family visits to none of them being healthy enough to make the drive. No one has visitors in two years and kids are tweens so we are very busy with events. They wish they could have a grandparent come for a visit and the grandparents always want us to travel which is much harder now.

If they insist on coming, I’d not tell them about everything to give yourself a break. Then I’d have them come and skip some events yourself. Let them take the kids by themselves and take the alone time for yourself! Enjoy the help.

+1 to all of this. Whatever you do, do not talk to them. Does your husband feel the same way about their visits? If yes, let him handle it.

[Anonymous]

Wow. My grandparents attended every one of my school events too. I cherish my relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. My grandparents attended every one of my school events too. I cherish my relationship with them.

+1 Our kids' grandparents (both sides) attended (at least one from each couple) every single concert, pageant, recital, sports game, swim meet, what have you, that the kids participated in.

I hate to break it to the poster who keeps harping that this means the grandparents have nothing to do because that person is dead flat wrong as far as the 4 grandparents to my kids are concerned. At the time when most of my kids were little all 4 grandparents worked and 2 of the 4 had jobs where the average person would recognize their name or their job. They serve on boards and they are very active in their community. They are the definition of busy but they realize their grandchildren are more important to them. This isn't just my kids but my sister's kids, too. Even today at least one of the pair of each set of grandparents is at each college game within 5-7 hours driving distance.

It is about priorities. My parents and my husband's parents prioritize family. They achieve in the business world but they will drop everything and run if it involves a grandchild.

I am sorry that not every child has a parent who will facilitate and encourage this. As the PP says above, my kids cherish their relationships with their grandparents. Those relationships happened because their grandparents worked at developing it and neither my husband nor I stood in their way.

[Anonymous]

You seem to have attracted a lot of thread bullies, OP. I'm not sure why, as your post was completely reasonable. In your shoes, I might be inclined to handle this by taking more solo or friend trips. Leave the kids, DH, and the inlaws to their devices for a day or weekend here or there while you get some time to recover from the demands of constantly entertaining them. If your DH won't help establish boundaries, I'm not sure what else you can do if you care about keeping the family harmony.

I'll add that a lot of posters here seem to think frequent visits from the grandparents will automatically lead to closer relationships with the grandkids. That is not necessarily the case. It is all about the quality of the interactions, which can happen via calls, texts, or emails as well as in-person. I have 2 kids in college now and have seen how this plays out. They are close to the grandparents who truly care about them and put their interests first.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you OP. I could not deal with such frequent visits. Sounds like they really have nothing to do where they live. How many games, etc. can you see?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with you OP. I could not deal with such frequent visits. Sounds like they really have nothing to do where they live. How many games, etc. can you see?

You think they are driving 10 hours and sleeping in a basement because they want to see the games or because they are bored? It takes a very special kind of person to be so dedicated and demonstrate love and support in this way.