My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event

[Anonymous]

How old are they? At some point the 5 hour drive will be too much for them. I’d talk to dh about cutting back on their visits. Guests for a few days at a time, every 2-3 weeks would be too much for most people. I’d start by trying to get it down to once a month at the most and see if that helps.

[Anonymous]

It really isn't unusual for grandparents to attend their grandchildren's birthdays or to want to celebrate with their son.

Your inclusion of that as too much makes me think you tend to over exaggerate things. Families celebrating birthdays together is not way out there. I don't know how far your family lives but have you never celebrated a birthday with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 5 hour drive... Dies that mean they stay overnight with you every single time there’s a kids event?

Yeah. That has to stop. Talk to your husband. Stop telling them about events.

OP here. Yes, and this is the biggest issue - having to deal with houseguests in our tiny house and completely lose access to our basement (which doubles as our guest room) for 3-4 days (because they also frequently visit mid-week so as to be able to get home in time for church Sunday morning).

And yes, these are the only grandkids, and DH's sibling is unlikely to have children at this point, so they will remain the only grandkids.

They ask about events, and I don't want to lie about them. DH will casually mention "oh, Jon has a basketball game coming up" and then they'll press for details, blah blah. Also, DH doesn't see the problem and just rolls his eyes when I complain. So I suppose this is a 50-50 DH AND in-law issue.

No, it's a 100 DH issue. I feel for you and get your concerns. I have no involved grandparents and it has its pluses. I have friends with your situation and it seems really overwhelming. The feelings you are feeling are legitimate and your DH should work with you on a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really isn't unusual for grandparents to attend their grandchildren's birthdays or to want to celebrate with their son.

Your inclusion of that as too much makes me think you tend to over exaggerate things. Families celebrating birthdays together is not way out there. I don't know how far your family lives but have you never celebrated a birthday with them?

NP, but I have not celebrated my birthday with my parents since I was a child living in their home. I don't know any friends that do either. Driving 5 hours to spend a birthday with an adult child is a little out there, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I'm the aunt, and I attend every single thing I'm invited to that my niece will be at also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws live 20 minutes away in the same county and have never come over on my kids’ birthdays, never attended any of their sporting events, and never attended any school events. Even the annual grandparents day. It’s sad and the kids notice.

They do expect us to visit them frequently though.

The grass isn’t always greener.

This is my mother. She sucks. I wish my kids had OPs "problem".

OP, just keep in mind, this is about the kids. Your kids are so fortunate to have loving grandparents. There is a tremendous psychologist impact on having a loving supportive family. Try to think of your kids first,

GMAFB. Just because you wish your parents/ILs were more involved doesn't mean that OP can't wish hers weren't. Just because you would relish frequent guests in your small house and the additional work and disruption that entails doesn't mean others do. When will you learn that just because you wish something doesn't mean others wish for it?

[Anonymous]

Are they helpful when they stay over? I wouldn’t have an issue with this if I didn’t have to ‘host’ them. You know where the coffee is, grandma is making dinner tonight...great!, etc.

[Anonymous]

dH problem!

[Anonymous]

Treat yourself to a night in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws live 20 minutes away in the same county and have never come over on my kids’ birthdays, never attended any of their sporting events, and never attended any school events. Even the annual grandparents day. It’s sad and the kids notice.

They do expect us to visit them frequently though.

The grass isn’t always greener.

This is my mother. She sucks. I wish my kids had OPs "problem".

OP, just keep in mind, this is about the kids. Your kids are so fortunate to have loving grandparents. There is a tremendous psychologist impact on having a loving supportive family. Try to think of your kids first,

This. No child can ever have too many people love him or her. If you really love your kid, OP, then you won't be cutting off a love pipeline from grandparents. They won't be around forever either so suck it up and deal.

[Anonymous]

You should have put your foot down on the weekend visit when you returned from your family. Your DH should gave said, we’ll see you at the next kid event, but y’all need some down time. DH needs to grow a pair.

[Anonymous]

In my similar experience, I observed a related problem with grandparents like this: When they spend so much time watching grandkids, that means they have little going on in their own lives. They keep showing up with no new stories, no interests, no experiences other than doting on grandkids and it makes for intensely tedious guests.

And for the people who say kids can never have two many people loving them, I think that concept has its limits. When the grandparents have few meaningful activities in their lives other than doting on grandkids, it can make for a bit of unhealthy relationship.

Moreover, if grandparent time is detrimental the the well-being of the nuclear family — as in OP’s case — that’s a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws live 20 minutes away in the same county and have never come over on my kids’ birthdays, never attended any of their sporting events, and never attended any school events. Even the annual grandparents day. It’s sad and the kids notice.

They do expect us to visit them frequently though.

The grass isn’t always greener.

This is my mother. She sucks. I wish my kids had OPs "problem".

OP, just keep in mind, this is about the kids. Your kids are so fortunate to have loving grandparents. There is a tremendous psychologist impact on having a loving supportive family. Try to think of your kids first,

This. No child can ever have too many people love him or her. If you really love your kid, OP, then you won't be cutting off a love pipeline from grandparents. They won't be around forever either so suck it up and deal.

OP here. No one is proposing cutting them off, for god's sake. A child can have loving grandparents that he/she sees once a month or once every other month. My own parents live on the other side of the country - we see them 2-3 times a year and my children are very well loved by them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have put your foot down on the weekend visit when you returned from your family. Your DH should gave said, we’ll see you at the next kid event, but y’all need some down time. DH needs to grow a pair.

OP here - DH wants to see his parents, obviously, and yes, he's pretty spineless about them. For example, I've made some suggestions about decluttering their guest room to make more space for us (yes, all four of us sleep in the same room) at their house, but DH always cuts me off because he doesn't want to offend them.

[Anonymous]

Overnight guests every 2-3 weeks would not fly with me. And for several nights midweek? Oh hell no. That is a disruption to our life. Your H needs to stop telling them everything or have a talk with them. Imposing on someone like this is rude. Even if they stayed at a hotel, it's days of visiting and it's smothering. Every nuclear family should have their own time. My family shows up to everything for the kids, but they live 5 minutes away and it doesn't require visiting.