Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor OP, I hope you are still up for this visit! I’d be terrified by this point if I were you reading this thread.

I'm not terrified. This is helpful. I still don't understand why it's bad for me to want to contribute more than just muffins and wine, but I'll just stick to that, as apparently I shouldn't be stepping on toes by wanting to contribute more. It's fine. I'll stay in my lane.

For this holiday I would only take what DIL has said to bring and just go with the flow. None of us know your DIL she may be super relaxed or she may be slightly annoyed at the extra food and see it as stepping on her toes, so I guess play it safe and just go along with what she has asked, you can't be criticised for that. As you spend more holidays together then I'm sure it will be more relaxed to ask to bring other stuff. Let DIL have the excitement of doing this Christmas, just go and enjoy the holiday. If anything goes wrong then make light of it and move on quickly from it.

It's nice of them to want to host and share the holiday. I'm sure you will have a great time.

[Anonymous]

It all comes back around doesn’t it? My MIL never lets me contribute to dinners. I make sure she knows she doesn’t need to bring anything to mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things to Ask:
Can I...
Take the kids for a walk around the block?
Take care of breakfast/lunch dinner today?
Start the coffee tomorrow morning?
Teach the kids how to play Uno?
Do the dishes?
Babysit tonight or tomorrow afternoon?
Pick up anything at the store?
Help you set the table?
Pay for these movie tickets?

Things Not to Ask:
Can I...
Add some more salt to this?
Make my extra special dish that requires very specific ingredients and an abundance of kitchen space and cooking implements?
Go take a nap during the bath/book/bed/dishes evening slog?
Lock my door so that the kids don’t wake me up so early?
Tell you all about how I used to run the holidays?

NP here.

Why don't you just hire a nanny rather than hosting ILs/parents? Some of this is absurd--they are not there simply to make your life easier. It's supposed to go both ways.


--not a MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things to Ask:
Can I...
Take the kids for a walk around the block?
Take care of breakfast/lunch dinner today?
Start the coffee tomorrow morning?
Teach the kids how to play Uno?
Do the dishes?
Babysit tonight or tomorrow afternoon?
Pick up anything at the store?
Help you set the table?
Pay for these movie tickets?

Things Not to Ask:
Can I...
Add some more salt to this?
Make my extra special dish that requires very specific ingredients and an abundance of kitchen space and cooking implements?
Go take a nap during the bath/book/bed/dishes evening slog?
Lock my door so that the kids don’t wake me up so early?
Tell you all about how I used to run the holidays?

Lol, your MIL isn’t allowed to take a nap or sleep in? I hope she wasn’t hoping to relax.

[Anonymous]

Just be friendly like you would be if you were visiting anyone's house-- I get it, it's hard to be a guest and a close relation.

What I appreciate about some of relatives (not my mom) is when they are helpful and not too demanding. Watching and engaging the kids is probably so appreciated. Asking if you can help then following through on what you offer without needing too much direction is also helpful. I know this sounds patronizing, but again, it's hard to be a close relative and a guest at the same time. So, it's cool that you're asking.

The DILs that I know who are very close with their MIL have developed a friendship with support and mutual affection. They can count on MIL in a pinch and just find it easy to be around one another. I have a few close friends like this--a couple of HS friends where I just relax the minute they walk in the room.

[Anonymous]

I’ll take your invite instead. I’d love to only have to bring muffins and wine and have the rest taken care of by someone else. Sounds heavenly.

[Anonymous]

OP you truly do seemed pissed about being a guest. All your responses seem tinged with outrage that you'll be in your son's/DILs home and adapting to their way of celebrating the holidays. Are you feeling displaced? Denigrated? Resentful that how you/your family celebrates is different? I hope you can see this invitation as a gift-they still like you enough to have you come. There's a foreboding of a story about how you're DIL was such a b***h when all you were doing was trying to make their Christmas better by doing x y or z.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your use of the word “relegated” in your OP is a red flag. Relegate it is a pretty loaded word in this case which seems to convey that you might be unhappy with the response to your offer of help. If you are displeased with the idea of being a guest I encourage you to work between now and the holiday to make peace with it. Be kind to your son and your daughter-in-law in allowing them to spread their wings a bit as new family hosts. Please don’t spend the holiday making snide comments or expressing disappointment or pointing out how the way they’ve chosen to host is different than how you traditionally host, etc. this is a pivotal time in your family and if you want to cultivate a future where you get together as a family then by all means do everything you can to be a gracious and considerate guest. If you actively create an environment of stress, tension and judgment you can expect separate holidays going forward.

Agreed. Why don’t you think of it as “I have been chosen to be responsible for the wine and muffins”? Honestly, my husband and I are pretty picky about wine, so if we task you with providing wine for the holiday, it means we trust you and you have good taste!

[Anonymous]

Is this your first time visiting them ever? Seems like you would do what you do when you visit any other time.

[Anonymous]

You should try and visit them when it is not a holiday. They will get used to you, you will get used to them.

[Anonymous]

So sweet, OP. You will be fine. You are thinking that you want to be a good MIL and so you will be. Don't let harpies on DCUM throw you off your game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Am I now not even allowed to wear perfume? This stood out to me.

Wow...

Don’t be passive aggressive. It’s obnoxious. Bring nice wine and muffins. Offer to help in the kitchen. Offer to clean up. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Am I now not even allowed to wear perfume? This stood out to me.

Please ask. I have bad migraines and it really sets me off. My kids hate perfume as they are not used to it and will not even use heavy scents for bath products.

[Anonymous]

All the DILs are venting about their own horrible experience with their ILs.

LOL

The OP did not ask for this shit!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT BRING EXTRA COOKIES OR CAKES!!!!!!!

drop them off at our house instead. Especially an all chocolate dark cake...we will gladly take it.