If you rarely argue with spouse

[Anonymous]

We don't cross a line of disrespect during disagreements. We agree to disagree sometimes. We are not alike in many ways but we always allow each other to be who they are, have opinions, whatever it is, even if we disagree. Marriage is a daily compromise. Everything can't be your way, sort out what really matters to you and let the small stuff go. Most stuff is small stuff.

-peacefully married 30+ years

[Anonymous]

I have a real theory about this! My DH and I never fight. But we are gender-stereotyped opposites: he is very neat, organized, detail-oriented, and passionate, and I am very easygoing, absentminded and don’t care what I’m having for dinner. I don’t care enough to nag, but he always picks up his sock anyway. So we have almost zero conflict.

[Anonymous]

Vodka martini, with olives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happily married 30 yrs - why on DCUM relationships board?

NP - we enjoy wallowing in other peoples' misery? Or remind ourselves we have a good thing going even if it isn't perfect?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s a bad sign if couple don’t argue much. They’ve probably given up and allowed resent to build.

It’s amazing how wrong this actually is.

+100. Where do people get this nonsense? My DH and I may disagree. But we do not argue. We certainly don’t fight. We don’t bicker or call names. It’s just not who we are.

We have been married 30 years next month.

When you disagree, do you just roll over, or do you each try to persuade the to accept your position? If you do the latter, that’s constructive argumentation. So, I still contend that arguing is healthy. No way you agree with your spouse 100% of the time and less you care about absolutely nothing.

DP. We do the latter. But it still happens infrequently. And when we persuade it isn't with malice and we don't try to bully. And we work towards a quick compromise or decision if we realize we are never going to agree.

My husband and I disagree on a bunch of things. I'm pro-choice and he is not. It is an inflammatory issue and we know where we both stand and arguing about it has no upside and will just lead to bad feelings. He's a moderate republican and I'm a moderate democrat and thankfully we both hate Trump. We disagree on some policy issues but we don't argue about them but we certainly have some pretty robust discussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happily married 30 yrs - why on DCUM relationships board?

Dp. Happily married 20 years. I'm here because I saw the thread title in recent topics and came in to share my perspective.

[Anonymous]

Yeah right

[Anonymous]

I can recall 3 fights in the 10 years we’ve been together and they all revolves around me working too much pre-kids.

I don’t delegate things unless I’m prepared to let him do it his way with no commentary or judgement. I’m not a backseat driver in the car. I don’t second guess his parenting. I assume he is reasonable, capable and has good intent. I don’t nag. When he is wrong, I don’t rub it in I just move on. There are very few areas where I won’t compromise and luckily those are areas where he will compromise. I don’t keep score. I don’t hold grudges. When we make a decision, I move on and don’t dwell on it if ai don’t get my first choice.

[Anonymous]

We talk. We bring things up that bother us, even seemingly innocuous things (like my husband likes the kitchen scissors washed a certain way and I like the toothbrushes on the bathroom counter a certain way or whatever)...and we tell each other and if it matters more to one of us, we try our best to do it that way...and we talk about big important things, including telling each other: I’m going to need to talk about X because I’m upset about it but I also need a couple days to sort out exactly how I’m feeling. I just wanted you to know so in case you have feelings on X, maybe you can gather them and then we’ll talk it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can recall 3 fights in the 10 years we’ve been together and they all revolves around me working too much pre-kids.

I don’t delegate things unless I’m prepared to let him do it his way with no commentary or judgement. I’m not a backseat driver in the car. I don’t second guess his parenting. I assume he is reasonable, capable and has good intent. I don’t nag. When he is wrong, I don’t rub it in I just move on. There are very few areas where I won’t compromise and luckily those are areas where he will compromise. I don’t keep score. I don’t hold grudges. When we make a decision, I move on and don’t dwell on it if ai don’t get my first choice.

I’ll add that we have similar political opinions, religious beliefs, spending habits, sex drives and taste in food. The only way we are significantly different is that I am a morning person and he is a night owl. We make a great team. When one of my friends was getting married her dad gave a toast. Her parents had an arranged marriage and were blissfully happy 30+ years later. Her dad’s advice was that in every disagreement there are 3 votes - yours, his and the marriage. When you can’t agree, the tie breaker is what is best for the marriage. I try to live by that advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happily married 30 yrs - why on DCUM relationships board?

And why not? Maybe you can learn something from happily married people. Such a dumb post pp.

[Anonymous]

We used to internalize which is bad. We are both nonconfrontational by nature. It led to major communication errors, and it took a marriage retreat and counseling to understand the damage we were doing.

That was 11 years ago. Now we are much better about bringing up an issue. We had to learn how to do it.

I tell young couples the key to marriage is knowing how to argue. The easy stuff is easy. It's getting through the hard stuff that determines success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you achieve this? Do you and spouse naturally agree on everything? Do you disagree but rarely voice your disagreement leading to no arguments?

I think we just naturally see eye to eye. The places where we don’t tend to fall into two categories:

—Stuff too small to sweat. One of us capitulates before tension is too high because the stakes are too picayune. We’ve both been married before and know this small stuff is a huge trap.

—Cans that are kickable down the road. The chief one for us is moving to DH’s rural HT after I retire. My current strategy is to nod when he mentions it, but secretly plan to never retire. Truth be told, I think he’ll need more medical care than he can get there and he will suggest we stay here or some other urban East Coastish location.

[Anonymous]

We can get "snippy" with each other - especially when one of us is tired. But we fight very little. We're both pretty rational, we don't assume evil intentions by the other and respect each other's opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We used to internalize which is bad. We are both nonconfrontational by nature. It led to major communication errors, and it took a marriage retreat and counseling to understand the damage we were doing.

That was 11 years ago. Now we are much better about bringing up an issue. We had to learn how to do it.

I tell young couples the key to marriage is knowing how to argue. The easy stuff is easy. It's getting through the hard stuff that determines success.

Exactly. Knowing how to argue is important.