Parents are NOT notified by the college if the child gets in trouble, e.g. drugs, alcohol in dorm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at what age should an institution of higher education cut the cord for the parents who are too clingy to do it themselves or who were too lax in preparing their child for adulthood?

You don’t think the college should tell parents your 18 yo freshman was popped for drugs or drinking or found passed out in a hallway? What about passed out 3 times? What about rapes? You prefer they control everything—because when they control KIDS they have a track record of doing what’s best for the U, not your kid.

We can send them to war. Whether you like it or not, they are not capital K-I-D-S kids. If you want that dynamic, foster it yourself with your kid. But no, it is not anyone elses responsibility to go to a parent.

Also, one thing you learn in college (as a freshman for me, reporting domestic abuse and rape to the parents of a friend) is....a lot of parents are shit.

Universities can't take on that liability. "We think Larla drank to much and was raped." arents not you: "Well, we always knew she's by a lying whore. Send her home, we'll take care of it."

No. Way.

: parents not you : "she'd be a.." corrections. On phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

+1 Well said. I would have wanted MY parents notified for any of your examples, PP, so it is completely realistic to me that my child would want US notified.

What's stopping your kid from notifying you? Every family is not like yours and every situation is not the same.

I would have called my mother to discuss a sexual assault. I would have felt thoroughly violated for a second time and without any agency whatsoever if some "policies and procedures" Dean I hadn't even heard of before my assault called up my parents and read them a police report and gave them the lowdown on what they were doing as an institution. That's really unhealthy...

[Anonymous]

If you want to know if your child is struggling, you had 18 years to work on that. If you have a good, open relationship, they will. The school only has an obligation to notify if you're listed as a contact for emergencies. Missing class and drinking too much aren't emergencies. Those things are big deal to me, but not an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Being raped is horrible & traumatic, but even a hospital won't call an emergency contact for that alone.

[Anonymous]

What a nasty group of people on this thread. Why belittle, insult and demean someone asking a legitimate question about the potential welfare of their kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a nasty group of people on this thread. Why belittle, insult and demean someone asking a legitimate question about the potential welfare of their kid?

1) OP's very premise is insulting to those of us who didn't have parents paying our full way through college; OP's premise is also insulting to those of us who may not be able to pay the full way for college for our children; OP acts like it is such a universal given: it is not.

2) Many of you are screaming about KIDS. We can have a more productive conversation if you will face the actual reality that, legally speaking, they are not kids--they are adults, and adults have rights. Adults--in the eyes of institutions, medical facilities, and law enforcement/courts--cannot be treated like children; they must be treated like adults, with all the rights and responsibilities and protections thereto. So until you are ready to talk about this in a realistic way, the conversation cannot be productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

If someone had called my parents without my consent, when I was an adult, and told them that I was a victim of sexual assault, I would have sued them. How incredibly violating.

Are you kidding me? If the school HADN'T called my parents then I would have sued the school. My parents are the first people I would have wanted to see if something bad happened to me.

And if you had listed them as emergency contacts, and signed the forms letting the hospital notify emergency contacts, they would have been called. But you would have had to opt-in to those actions. Because you had the right not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These straw men comments are really low watt. We’re talking about 18 yo kids, not 25 or 30 yo. Most college sexual assaults are girls 18 and 19. Most dropouts are first or second year. Most hospital visits. It’s the prime age when drug addiction and alcoholism arises.

So it's fine that this country would and could ship your "kid" off to Afghanistan to be blown up by an IED--because he is legally old enough to sign up for military duty--but it's just outrageous that law enforcement/courts, institutions and medical facilities won't override several layers of legal protections for an adult (HIPPA, FERPA, etc.) to let you know that your adult son made the active choice to violate the law by underage drinking at a frat party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a nasty group of people on this thread. Why belittle, insult and demean someone asking a legitimate question about the potential welfare of their kid?

Yeah, it’s some ornery people in this world and even more who are just plain apathetic. Guess parents need to stop babying their kids til they’re 25 and instead prepare them to function on their own to avoid the harsh realities of life in a world where nobody is inclined to baby their legally adult kids for them so they better be able to take care of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Op it’s stupid.

Each kid should have an emergency plan.

If your kid is soooo mature your emergency plan should be blank.

Mental illness hits hard from 18-25 and the laws today prevent families from helping.

Hence all the recent murders in DC by mentally ill people andass murders over the country.

At my work we have emergency contact and if somebody misses work and we can’t get in touch with them we have a contact. We call and on more than 1 occasion the person needed help.

People over estimate their parenting ability and think just because they are lucky their kids did not need help they did a good parenting job.

Sure most girls don’t have a good enough relationship with their parents to get an abortion with their support. They do it alone and pretend they are super mature.

We live in a pretty cold society. It an every man for himself mentality and people think they are better than others when they survive that. Most college even beloved SLACs are pretty transactional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a nasty group of people on this thread. Why belittle, insult and demean someone asking a legitimate question about the potential welfare of their kid?

Yeah, it’s some ornery people in this world and even more who are just plain apathetic. Guess parents need to stop babying their kids til they’re 25 and instead prepare them to function on their own to avoid the harsh realities of life in a world where nobody is inclined to baby their legally adult kids for them so they better be able to take care of themselves.

Do you have no friends.

Because I’m an adult and when I am going through this “harsh world” I am 100% not doing it alone.

What a sad and pathetic life you sound like you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being raped is horrible & traumatic, but even a hospital won't call an emergency contact for that alone.

Cops will have a victim support person contact you and help you get support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

+1 Well said. I would have wanted MY parents notified for any of your examples, PP, so it is completely realistic to me that my child would want US notified.

What's stopping your kid from notifying you? Every family is not like yours and every situation is not the same.

I would have called my mother to discuss a sexual assault. I would have felt thoroughly violated for a second time and without any agency whatsoever if some "policies and procedures" Dean I hadn't even heard of before my assault called up my parents and read them a police report and gave them the lowdown on what they were doing as an institution. That's really unhealthy...

Have you ever stopped to consider that sometimes the person who has been harmed or who is in trouble isn't ABLE to call? Yes, the institutions should call if a person has been harmed. I think you have problems if you would feel "violated" by that. It is totally weird that you keep using that word and it indicates a mental health issue for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a nasty group of people on this thread. Why belittle, insult and demean someone asking a legitimate question about the potential welfare of their kid?

Yeah, it’s some ornery people in this world and even more who are just plain apathetic. Guess parents need to stop babying their kids til they’re 25 and instead prepare them to function on their own to avoid the harsh realities of life in a world where nobody is inclined to baby their legally adult kids for them so they better be able to take care of themselves.

Do you have no friends.

Because I’m an adult and when I am going through this “harsh world” I am 100% not doing it alone.

What a sad and pathetic life you sound like you have.

I have friends, yes, and more importantly (and more relevant to this post) I have instilled and reinforced honesty, compassion/respect, responsibility, accountability, and courage in my kids along with the knowledge that their personal welfare in this world basically boils down to their decisions. I’ve awakened them to the fact that mommy and daddy aren’t Wonder Woman and Superman and we aren’t going to be able to come flying in to save them in their adulthood so they have to save themselves by staying out of trouble in the first place. Maybe my perspective is different since as African-Americans we have to start preparing our kids for a harsh world that doesn’t care about them as early as their elementary years. I wish we had the privilege of expecting everyone to take care of them as we would and expecting every environment they venture into to see them well into adulthood as babies to be pampered and protected like we do, but sadly we don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a nasty group of people on this thread. Why belittle, insult and demean someone asking a legitimate question about the potential welfare of their kid?

Yeah, it’s some ornery people in this world and even more who are just plain apathetic. Guess parents need to stop babying their kids til they’re 25 and instead prepare them to function on their own to avoid the harsh realities of life in a world where nobody is inclined to baby their legally adult kids for them so they better be able to take care of themselves.

Do you have no friends.

Because I’m an adult and when I am going through this “harsh world” I am 100% not doing it alone.

What a sad and pathetic life you sound like you have.

I have friends, yes, and more importantly (and more relevant to this post) I have instilled and reinforced honesty, compassion/respect, responsibility, accountability, and courage in my kids along with the knowledge that their personal welfare in this world basically boils down to their decisions. I’ve awakened them to the fact that mommy and daddy aren’t Wonder Woman and Superman and we aren’t going to be able to come flying in to save them in their adulthood so they have to save themselves by staying out of trouble in the first place. Maybe my perspective is different since as African-Americans we have to start preparing our kids for a harsh world that doesn’t care about them as early as their elementary years. I wish we had the privilege of expecting everyone to take care of them as we would and expecting every environment they venture into to see them well into adulthood as babies to be pampered and protected like we do, but sadly we don’t.

You have instilled in your kids that her parents won't provide moral support in the face of a tragedy and they need to take care of it themselves because they are "adults" ..... that is a sad. Seriously lady. Your post sounds manic.

Maybe your community could create more safety nets and not let kids sink or swim. It's not a recipe for success.