Why are older women so strange?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The last generation of SAHMs adjusting to a new world of “mixed” DILs. They don’t get why both SAHMs and WOHMs these days aren’t automatically taking on emotional labor, bulk of chores, etc.

Their moms, grandmothers and peers all managed most of the household and emotional labor. They were also taught to be nice and deferential and “feminine.” They don’t always adjust.

+1

BIG resentment from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older women worry less about being "nice" so they are more direct and no BS than younger women. Kind of like men. But people hate women for it.

THIS! It is nice when you get to a certain age and don't care what people think of you. You realize that your needs can come first.

I have never cared what people thought of me. Doesn't mean I treat people like crap. No excuse for being rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The last generation of SAHMs adjusting to a new world of “mixed” DILs. They don’t get why both SAHMs and WOHMs these days aren’t automatically taking on emotional labor, bulk of chores, etc.

Their moms, grandmothers and peers all managed most of the household and emotional labor. They were also taught to be nice and deferential and “feminine.” They don’t always adjust.

+1

BIG resentment from that.

Well can you blame them?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s because older women have a lot of time. Retired, kids grown... I tend to over think and mule over interactions with other people and get annoyed/offended when I have a lot of time. When I am busy things roll off my back because I don’t have time/energy to devote to thinking about that kind of stuff. I think that’s why seniors with active life with hobbies and friends are nicer.

[Anonymous]

The answer is the powerful, hateful combination of sexism and agism converging into one person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Older women worry less about being "nice" so they are more direct and no BS than younger women. Kind of like men. But people hate women for it.

This is all true. But when you get older and wiser it's harder to suffer fools. You are more likely to cut people off at the knees for their BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The last generation of SAHMs adjusting to a new world of “mixed” DILs. They don’t get why both SAHMs and WOHMs these days aren’t automatically taking on emotional labor, bulk of chores, etc.

Their moms, grandmothers and peers all managed most of the household and emotional labor. They were also taught to be nice and deferential and “feminine.” They don’t always adjust.

+1

BIG resentment from that.

Well can you blame them?

No I can't blame them for feeling resentment. But why a lot of them choose to take that resentment/jealousy/confusion out on *the women in their lives* is beyond me. Why don't they turn to their husbands and say, "Gee Bob, see how Tim is the one who makes family holiday logistics and sends presents? It stink that you never did that. And by the way, your sister's birthday is August 3, and you are now in charge of calling her and sending her a card, or not."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define old, OP.

We're not talking "old," we're talking "older," as the thread title outlines.

For me, that's mid-fifties or so; women old enough to be meddling in adult offsprings' lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define old, OP.

We're not talking "old," we're talking "older," as the thread title outlines.

For me, that's mid-fifties or so; women old enough to be meddling in adult offsprings' lives.

So - older than you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The last generation of SAHMs adjusting to a new world of “mixed” DILs. They don’t get why both SAHMs and WOHMs these days aren’t automatically taking on emotional labor, bulk of chores, etc.

Their moms, grandmothers and peers all managed most of the household and emotional labor. They were also taught to be nice and deferential and “feminine.” They don’t always adjust.

+1

BIG resentment from that.

Well can you blame them?

Yes, I think you can blame them to a degree. There really isn't an excuse for being intrusive and rude under the guise of "Well, that's the way it's always been done." If you go into your adult child's home and snoop through their personal belongings, overstay your welcome, are unhelpful and demanding, comment on their parenting, are disrespectful of their marriage, blame your SIL/DIL for taking your "baby" away and otherwise make yourself a royal PITA there are going to be consequences. I don't care if that sort of behavior is "family tradition" or not, it's rude.

I'm probably closer in age to many of the MILs that we hear complained about on DCUM than I am to the young DILs complaining about them. I'm SAHM, too! But I can't see myself ever treating my children's spouses the way some of these mothers/MILs treat their children and their children's spouses. I also know that I wouldn't stand for being treated that way.

Hopefully, women these days have more empathy for each other and how tough a job it is to raise children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older women worry less about being "nice" so they are more direct and no BS than younger women. Kind of like men. But people hate women for it.

This is all true. But when you get older and wiser it's harder to suffer fools. You are more likely to cut people off at the knees for their BS.

That might be true but as I get older I find I focus more on trying to be welcoming to other people - realizing how much negative stuff happens due to differing perceptions. And thinking back to some things I said when I was younger which I wish I hadn't said. That said, I realize that I'm thinking about that more with regard to interaction with strangers, not family. I guess I should ask my family what they thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm in my 50's and my kids are about raised. I never had a neighbor try to tell me how to tend to my yard or raise my kids. And no way do I have any interest in telling younger women how to raise their kids or keep their homes. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

The only time I would notice is if your yard had become an eyesore or your kids were doing something that affected me/my family/my property in a negative way."

DP here. Now that you mention it, I have definitely seen women of a certain age try to tell younger neighbors how to do things. I guess the neighbors they were talking to might have looked young for their age, but they were not stupid, so I could see how that would rub someone the wrong way. They already have parents!

The best/most entertaining happening was when the neighborhood kids (not my neighborhood, a nearby one) were playing what used to be known as "ding dong ditch". The older women neighbors were positively furious! I do think some people try to exacerbate a situation - they just like drama. Not too many younger women have time for that busy body crap.

The older neighbor critic thing only happened to me once when I lived in Fredericksburg. A neighbor so sweetly told me that garden tour week was coming up and people generally tried to fix up their houses for that - as she looked at the peeling paint on my house! It took me awhile to realize that she was complaining about the condition of my house. She was a nice older daughter of Old Virginia!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older women worry less about being "nice" so they are more direct and no BS than younger women. Kind of like men. But people hate women for it.

This is all true. But when you get older and wiser it's harder to suffer fools. You are more likely to cut people off at the knees for their BS.

That might be true but as I get older I find I focus more on trying to be welcoming to other people - realizing how much negative stuff happens due to differing perceptions. And thinking back to some things I said when I was younger which I wish I hadn't said. That said, I realize that I'm thinking about that more with regard to interaction with strangers, not family. I guess I should ask my family what they thing!

And now that I think of it, I'm trying to be nicer on DCUM as well. But I don't know if that's from getting older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My theory is that since society values women more for looks than brains, then these women got plenty of attention in their 20s, and saw it dwindle over time. Now they manufacture drama to get attention.

Meanwhile older men seem to do the opposite -- check out and avoid drama as much as possible.. Oblivious to it all.

Of course, these are sweeping generalizations..

Uh yeah. Not all of us got lots of attention for looks in our 20s.

Hence "sweeping generaliations" but I'm sure a lot higher % of women in their 20s get attention for their looks than women in their 60s!

There are some older women who never really got attention, so I have to think that their attitude is much worse - they aren't exactly the smiley, happy, fun types - but then again, they probably never were. DP here. I also think that some older women feel entitled to boss younger women around, which will never fly, in most cases. Maybe the older women were told what to do when they were younger, but times have changed.

This. More sweeping generalizations, but the generation of women who are now 65+ were frequently expected to manage the domestic chores, even if they worked, and they largely didn't have the same types of serious careers as their husbands. They were responsible for managing relationships with their MILs, not the sons. They largely kowtowed to their MILs and they were marginalized. They didn't have equal partnerships with their spouses and the husbands opinions carried more weight because they were bringing home the larger share of income. Now these MILs feel it's their "turn" but today's DIL's aren't having it.

Women's intellect and careers weren't valued like they are today. I see many women of this generation who never honed their critical thinking skills because they never had to. They were relegated to mundane domestic stuff so they became very petty and manipulative. Being direct wouldn't get them an equal partnership so they connive and scheme to get what they want. Then their husbands respect them even less because they're so petty. Again, not all women of this generation are like this, but a lot are. My friends and I discussed this a while back, and there's definitely a difference between the women who are now 65-85 and their daughters who are now late 30's-early 60's.

They're also frequently jealous that their DILs have careers and get an equal say as their husbands and their husbands are expected to pull a greater load with the domestic chores (although still not equal in most cases). Then the MILs take offense that the DILs don't have it as hard as they did when it comes to shouldering the entire domestic burden.

This is one of the reasons why I wouldn't stop working unless I became very rich. Many of the SAHMs today have the same issues with a lack of respect and being valued, they're expected to shoulder the entire domestic/children burden, and they don't have an equal say. I think we've come a long way and more SAHMs get this equality than they did 50 years ago, but we still have a ways to go. From anecdotal evidence, the SAHMs who tend to get more respect are those who had serious careers then gave them up to stay at home with kids. Those who didn't have these lucrative careers don't seem to garner the same respect. Maybe the husbands chose these women specifically because they were looking for a SAHM and knew there was no serious career to get in the way. But whatever the reason, we haven't gotten as far as we need to go.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes post about my stressful relationship with my MIL. But I have plenty of other older women in my life (aunts, my own mother, my mother's good friends) who are WONDERFUL. Thoughtful, funny, smart women who have solid nuggets of advice they pass in the smallest ways. I adore these women and would never think of them as strange.

But I don't post about the supportive, encouraging people as much as the one who causes me the most stress. So the posts are skewed, not because all old women are stressful, but I don't need advice/help navigating my positive relationships.