Why are older women so strange?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gossipy, younger, queen bees and wanna bees turn into these strange older women who also love gossip and control over others.

Controlling younger women turn into "strange" older women.
I don't want to say "strange" younger women, because I think younger women who are considered "strange" turn out to be the laid back loving chill older women.

+1

It is all about control, and being angry about how little control they have.

This!!! You can tell who is going to be a MIL from hell before her kids are even out of K.

You can also tell who the nice ones are going to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gossipy, younger, queen bees and wanna bees turn into these strange older women who also love gossip and control over others.

Controlling younger women turn into "strange" older women.
I don't want to say "strange" younger women, because I think younger women who are considered "strange" turn out to be the laid back loving chill older women.

+1

It is all about control, and being angry about how little control they have.

This!!! You can tell who is going to be a MIL from hell before her kids are even out of K.

You can also tell who the nice ones are going to be.

This is so true!!!

[Anonymous]

I think my mother's generation was raised to always be making sacrifices and saying "yes" even when you desperately need to say "no." I find she does a lot of things she doesn't want to do out of obligation and feels resentful and angry. If she had said "no" more to take care of herself she would have been a better parent because she would not have been so stressed out all the time. She is a caregiver now and it has been pulling teeth to get her to accept5 even the tiniest bit of help. I see the benefits when she gets a break, but she is really rigid about how much time she will take for herself and the result when she doesn't get enough is her lashing out at everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my mother's generation was raised to always be making sacrifices and saying "yes" even when you desperately need to say "no." I find she does a lot of things she doesn't want to do out of obligation and feels resentful and angry. If she had said "no" more to take care of herself she would have been a better parent because she would not have been so stressed out all the time. She is a caregiver now and it has been pulling teeth to get her to accept5 even the tiniest bit of help. I see the benefits when she gets a break, but she is really rigid about how much time she will take for herself and the result when she doesn't get enough is her lashing out at everyone.

I think the other component of this is that they resent the generation of women below them saying no as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 62. I do not think I am weird or strange. Why are you so immature that you've decided to make such a large brush stroke encompassing everyone in a demographic? Did you put Hilary or Nancy Pelosi in that bag? Actresses like Glenn Close ? Or are they an exception. Do you generalize ideas from one or two examples? Would you like it if we generalized millennials this way(?)- becausecwe certainly could!

Yes, that's true. My MIL is the exact type of person that OP is talking about. Controlling, manipulative, unreasonable and we count the minutes until we can leave or take her to the airport. On the other hand, my Step MIL is AMAZING! So loving and supportive. Easy going. Just wants us to be happy. Lots of love and laughter around the house whenever she and FIL visit. We never want them to leave.

I have also met many other women who are in their early 60s and beyond who are wise and wonderful. They're secure in their own skin and approach life with an enlightened view, not ego based.

I don't know why I struggle so much with my MIL. It's obviously a life lesson that I have to work through. But not all women are like that. But I will never, ever understand what possesses my MIL to act the way she does!

I feel the same way about my MIL. And it’s not just ME she treats this way; she treats many other people the same. I believe the life lesson she’s there to teach me is that she’s the kind of person I never want to become. Or at least I look at it that way. I see her act a certain way or say a certain thing and file it away, so thankful that I don’t act that way, vowing to never forget, and never act that way myself.

I think I learned a similar lesson from my mom. My experience was like this: When you're young, your parents are your everything and you want to please them. As you grow older, you rebel against your parents and swear you'll never be like them. Then as you grow older you start to see how much you are like your parents, especially mom, and then mom starts to be a cautionary tale that I learn from. I know now that I'm like my mom (RIP) and I work on not letting my anxiety manifest itself the same way it did for her.

+1

This is truly wise. MIL and SIL's are so anxious - they don't acknowledge it, so they don't get help for it. When you are int eh room with them, you can cut the air with a knife. I am glad you are learning from your experiences, and are so insightful and self aware, seriously it makes a world of difference in your life and your happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my mother's generation was raised to always be making sacrifices and saying "yes" even when you desperately need to say "no." I find she does a lot of things she doesn't want to do out of obligation and feels resentful and angry. If she had said "no" more to take care of herself she would have been a better parent because she would not have been so stressed out all the time. She is a caregiver now and it has been pulling teeth to get her to accept5 even the tiniest bit of help. I see the benefits when she gets a break, but she is really rigid about how much time she will take for herself and the result when she doesn't get enough is her lashing out at everyone.

I think the other component of this is that they resent the generation of women below them saying no as well.

x10000

DP here. Most definitely. MIL says "no" as often as a petulant child now, at inappropriate times. It is a big deal to her, so she says it whenever possible, like she is making up for lost time. What she doesn't realize is how people see her, and the "legacy" that she is leaving - she is alienating most of her family because her resentment is misguided and misdirected. It is like all those years of being pissed off, and now she has a new target (DIL) - so in MIL's mind: "why not?". Bad idea, all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my mother's generation was raised to always be making sacrifices and saying "yes" even when you desperately need to say "no." I find she does a lot of things she doesn't want to do out of obligation and feels resentful and angry. If she had said "no" more to take care of herself she would have been a better parent because she would not have been so stressed out all the time. She is a caregiver now and it has been pulling teeth to get her to accept5 even the tiniest bit of help. I see the benefits when she gets a break, but she is really rigid about how much time she will take for herself and the result when she doesn't get enough is her lashing out at everyone.

I think the other component of this is that they resent the generation of women below them saying no as well.

x10000

DP here. Most definitely. MIL says "no" as often as a petulant child now, at inappropriate times. It is a big deal to her, so she says it whenever possible, like she is making up for lost time. What she doesn't realize is how people see her, and the "legacy" that she is leaving - she is alienating most of her family because her resentment is misguided and misdirected. It is like all those years of being pissed off, and now she has a new target (DIL) - so in MIL's mind: "why not?". Bad idea, all around.

Can you give examples of appropriate times she says "no" and also inappropriate times. I can see that if she always had sacrificed her own desires to take care of her family that she might not now know the difference between when she should say "no" and when she should say "yes."

Does she ever hit that line just right, or is she just not capable at this point? Again, I'd love to hear examples, just because it's hard even for younger people to know when it's right to say "no" and when it's right to make a bit of a self sacrifice for the good of others.

[Anonymous]

I've noticed this whenever I am on a plane. The older women almost never smile and they glare at me and my lap baby. My baby is very good on flights. I have traveled enough to see a pattern. Now I know someone is going to say I am not entitled to a smile blah blah blah.

[Anonymous]

For the younger women (!), do you have any heroes/mentors/role models who are older women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed this whenever I am on a plane. The older women almost never smile and they glare at me and my lap baby. My baby is very good on flights. I have traveled enough to see a pattern. Now I know someone is going to say I am not entitled to a smile blah blah blah.

Not going to say anything other than that is interesting. I always had the opposite effect when I traveled with my babies--older women seated next to me wanting to constantly talk, interact with the baby. To an extent, it was nice.

There was one flight when my baby cried and I was having trouble nursing her/getting the right position and latch in my cramped seat. This woman was literally hovering over me, peering over the nursing cover, talking to me and the baby loudly. After trying to gently demur a bit, I finally looked at her and said, "Clearly, I don't want your help right now." She sat back, I got the latch, the baby fell asleep 20 minutes later.

The woman looked at me a bit sheepishly, I gave her a sort of, "It's fine now" look, and she said, "You were right. I needed to shut up and mind my own business." And she really meant it. I mouthed, "It's OK, thank you," and then we were quiet the rest of the flight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed this whenever I am on a plane. The older women almost never smile and they glare at me and my lap baby. My baby is very good on flights. I have traveled enough to see a pattern. Now I know someone is going to say I am not entitled to a smile blah blah blah.

Not going to say anything other than that is interesting. I always had the opposite effect when I traveled with my babies--older women seated next to me wanting to constantly talk, interact with the baby. To an extent, it was nice.

There was one flight when my baby cried and I was having trouble nursing her/getting the right position and latch in my cramped seat. This woman was literally hovering over me, peering over the nursing cover, talking to me and the baby loudly. After trying to gently demur a bit, I finally looked at her and said, "Clearly, I don't want your help right now." She sat back, I got the latch, the baby fell asleep 20 minutes later.

The woman looked at me a bit sheepishly, I gave her a sort of, "It's fine now" look, and she said, "You were right. I needed to shut up and mind my own business." And she really meant it. I mouthed, "It's OK, thank you," and then we were quiet the rest of the flight.

Op here. That's funny. I was recently on an international flight to South Asia and had the opposite experience. Everyone was so friendly and smiley towards the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed this whenever I am on a plane. The older women almost never smile and they glare at me and my lap baby. My baby is very good on flights. I have traveled enough to see a pattern. Now I know someone is going to say I am not entitled to a smile blah blah blah.

+1

I remember that when my DC were babies, OP! In particular, a curmudgeon older lady and her husband boarded a plane where I boarded just before with my baby. The man said hello with a big smile and the woman, a frown and a grunt, literally. When we landed, the man made a point to comment how good the baby was (the flight was under there hours, so it was short) - and the woman, emitted the same old grunt with accompanying scowl. There dispositions and reactions were so markedly polar opposite, it was hilarious. My kids are older, and I remember that flight, to this day.

The people who say "no one is entitled to a smile" et al, have more serious problems - it is not about the smile, at all. That is not on you, OP. They need professional help.

[Anonymous]

*three

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my mother's generation was raised to always be making sacrifices and saying "yes" even when you desperately need to say "no." I find she does a lot of things she doesn't want to do out of obligation and feels resentful and angry. If she had said "no" more to take care of herself she would have been a better parent because she would not have been so stressed out all the time. She is a caregiver now and it has been pulling teeth to get her to accept5 even the tiniest bit of help. I see the benefits when she gets a break, but she is really rigid about how much time she will take for herself and the result when she doesn't get enough is her lashing out at everyone.

I think the other component of this is that they resent the generation of women below them saying no as well.

x10000

DP here. Most definitely. MIL says "no" as often as a petulant child now, at inappropriate times. It is a big deal to her, so she says it whenever possible, like she is making up for lost time. What she doesn't realize is how people see her, and the "legacy" that she is leaving - she is alienating most of her family because her resentment is misguided and misdirected. It is like all those years of being pissed off, and now she has a new target (DIL) - so in MIL's mind: "why not?". Bad idea, all around.

Can you give examples of appropriate times she says "no" and also inappropriate times. I can see that if she always had sacrificed her own desires to take care of her family that she might not now know the difference between when she should say "no" and when she should say "yes."

Does she ever hit that line just right, or is she just not capable at this point? Again, I'd love to hear examples, just because it's hard even for younger people to know when it's right to say "no" and when it's right to make a bit of a self sacrifice for the good of others.

I feel like MIL was never valued, because she was/is "ditzy". I never had anything to do with it. Both her and FIL seemed to not respect themselves, nor consequently each other. MIL is very proud of saying no to people about things they ask her to do, no matter how innocuous - she likes to tell us about it. DH and I know better than to have ever asked for anything. I do think she is trying to make up for lost time, or perceived injustices along the way. Again, it was before I came along. I guess that is what it is like to be selfish and bitter, which would be horrible, in my book.