Did anyone have an adoption fall through at the hospital

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would prefer for the birth parents to be given time to think this through after birth, then the adoptive parents come and get the bai. It is a nightmare if they go home with the baby and then have to give it back.
In Maryland the mother has 2 weeks to change her mind. This is a permanent solution with devastating consequences should she bitterly regret it for the rest of her life

If the birth mother took the baby home that would be tremendously more difficult and most likely the adoption wouldn’t happen.

Then maybe the adoption wasn't meant to happen.

I'm an adoptive parent. I know that adoption was the right choice for my kid, whose birth mother was unable to keep him. But adoption should be about finding homes for babies who have already lost theirs. It should address the loss, not create it.

Practices like matching birth parents and prospective adoptive parents before birth, or having prospective parents visit in the hospital are coercive, and shouldn't be allowed. If there's any doubt in a parent's mind, the baby should go home with birth parents, or into foster care, until there is clarity.

[Anonymous]

That woman talking about permanent solution to temporary problem is what the “stereotype” is. Oh so sheltered and mislead. Not every adoption is rooted is poverty stricken young mothers that have no choice. I am adult adoptee, relinquished at birth. My parents are the people that raised me and it’s incredibly hurtful that a good percentage of people still ask questions like “have you found your real parents?” Wtf do you think makes a parent? Yes, I have gone on to find my biological parents. No temporary situation that would resolve itself over time. Birthmother, was working as an executive at age 32 and had a long affair with a coworker. She had no desire to be a parent, I am thankful she recognized she wanted to continue jetsetting solo than leave me to be raised by someone else.

Sorry for be rant but this a very widespread misconception that is so hurtful.

[Anonymous]

My very middle-class married friends had a baby they were not interested in raising. They were married, still climbing in their careers, and liked to party, to be blunt. They relinquished. 5 years later, they were ready to settle down and had 2 babies they kept.

Everyone won.

[Anonymous]

Single mom of daughter adopted from overseas here. It's the best thing you will ever do, OP. Wishing you well and the best of outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My very middle-class married friends had a baby they were not interested in raising. They were married, still climbing in their careers, and liked to party, to be blunt. They relinquished. 5 years later, they were ready to settle down and had 2 babies they kept.

Everyone won.

sounds like something else must have been going on there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would prefer for the birth parents to be given time to think this through after birth, then the adoptive parents come and get the bai. It is a nightmare if they go home with the baby and then have to give it back.
In Maryland the mother has 2 weeks to change her mind. This is a permanent solution with devastating consequences should she bitterly regret it for the rest of her life

If the birth mother took the baby home that would be tremendously more difficult and most likely the adoption wouldn’t happen.

In some situations, birthparents do take the baby home and choose to place.

[Anonymous]

I'm an adoptive mom. My son was born in the Spring of 2017 and is a completely healthy toddler now. Our BM chose us. She wanted to get to know us and we spent some (awkward) time on Skype getting to know each other. She is a good person and we still have some contact. We went through an agency in a different state. The law of that state are that once she signed the papers, he was ours and there was no right of rescission. She signed the papers the day after he was born.

We were told by the agency with whom we were working that most BM fear the adoptive family taking the baby and that she never knows what happens from there. We send letters and pictures a couple of times a year as well as some pictures and gifts at Christmas. We also have a secret Facebook page where I post pictures and videos when my son does something cute. She always responds with an "I love you (baby name)" and she will post a nice message to us from time to time. You may want to offer a couple of those type of things to your BM.

I wish you all the best. Parenthood has been an absolutely amazing experience for us. We constantly ltalk about how lucky we got to have this little guy. We feel this way even when he iis throwing a tantrum. (He is a toddler so it happens)

Fingers crossed for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adoptive mom. My son was born in the Spring of 2017 and is a completely healthy toddler now. Our BM chose us. She wanted to get to know us and we spent some (awkward) time on Skype getting to know each other. She is a good person and we still have some contact. We went through an agency in a different state. The law of that state are that once she signed the papers, he was ours and there was no right of rescission. She signed the papers the day after he was born.

We were told by the agency with whom we were working that most BM fear the adoptive family taking the baby and that she never knows what happens from there. We send letters and pictures a couple of times a year as well as some pictures and gifts at Christmas. We also have a secret Facebook page where I post pictures and videos when my son does something cute. She always responds with an "I love you (baby name)" and she will post a nice message to us from time to time. You may want to offer a couple of those type of things to your BM.

I wish you all the best. Parenthood has been an absolutely amazing experience for us. We constantly ltalk about how lucky we got to have this little guy. We feel this way even when he iis throwing a tantrum. (He is a toddler so it happens)

Fingers crossed for you, OP.

Thank you so much for this kind post. It says the world about you that you continue to make the effort to stay in touch with your child’s first mother (or birtgmither, as you prefer). My mom said the worst thing was the loss of every moment of parenting. But the most painful thing was the not knowing. Was she safe? Was she loved? Was she healthy? Even if you choose to limit f2f contact, offering regular updates is so kind and loving of you.

I am the PP who used the term “first mother” earlier. I do not use the term as an anti-adoption term. I am by no means anti-adoption! I am a teacher and have taught so many children whose lives were enriched and sometimes saved through adoption, especially my kids who were lucky to be adopted out of foster care when parents were grossly unable to parent. (Even that involves loss, though.) I came upon the term “first mother” and have seen it used neutrally in circles of adopted advocates, particularly among advocates for adoptees who are fighting for their original birth certificates, as my sister is. I think the term is more than appropriate to OP’s post. The mother in question here is not a “birthmother.” She is a mother! She is the mother of that baby until she chooses to relinquish him to another mother, and beyond that, because she, too, will always be his mother. As will his adoptive mother. I am lucky enough to have gotten pregnant very late in life after many heartbreaks and I nearly lost my son to pre-eclampsia. Even if I had only had him for one day, I was his mother. I sang to him in my belly. I wrote him letters. I loved him with every breath. I don’t think it is disrespectful to adoptive parents to acknowledge that a child has a first mother before the adoptive mother, and will truthfully have both mothers as part of the adoptees identity, no matter how inadequate the first mother, and no matter how superheroic the mother who gets to raise and be with and cuddle with and laugh with and snuggle with and be a daily part of her child’s existence. She gets all that, and that can be everything while at the same time not erasing the first mother. I understand not everyone in the adoption community shares my views, but I am informed by my experience as the daughter of a mother who lost two children to adoption and as the sister of two adoptees, one whose mother loves me nearly like a daughter, now, too, now that her daughter and I are sisters in reunion. Her adoption of my sister was 100% closed as was the norm in the 1960’s but she said that every night she would pray for my mom and she taught my sister to love and pray for her first mother, too. It was no threat to her, and I thought it was so loving and generous, and my sister said it meant so much to her to have a ritual to remember her first/birth mother with love and imagine that she was loving her back at the same time. She had a great life and they adore each other and it certainly didn’t diminish her motherhood in any way to acknowledge my mother.

In contrast, my first sister’s adoptive mother cut her off when she found out that she was seeking information in our mother and didn’t talk to her for years. She refused to allow any of her 3 adoptive kids to use the term “mother” at all for their birth/first mother. One of the three has never sought any connection with her genetic family because she fears rejection by her mom. And my sister essentially has no relationship with the mom of her childhood anymore. In contrast, my second sister had Christmas with her children and their grandmother, and then the day after Christmas they celebrated with my family, and on New Year’s Day I visited with her mom, too, when I was in their state to visit my family.

Sorry this is such a long ramble. I’m not anti-adoption. My second sister has a great life and I love her and her whole family. My first sister had a terrible childhood and is now estranged from her childhood family and close to her maternal genetic family. Neither situation makes me anti-adoption. But both of their experiences plus my mom’s make me an advocate against erasing the first mother and a HUGE advocate for mothers considering relinquishment.

OP, I am so sorry for all the heartbreak you have experienced and I think it is wonderful that you are respecting this woman’s wishes. And I know your own loss will make you compassionate for her loss should she choose for you to be her child’s mother. I wish you and her and the baby to come all good things and the best possible outcome.

[Anonymous]

PP, this is a thread about a couple adopting, not about birthparents. Those of us who have adopted, are adoptees, etc. are telling you your choice of words is offensive to many of us. I truly hope you never ever teach my child as I would be horrified at what you are saying and you have no idea the harm you would cause my child saying what you are saying. You are also clueless to push open adoption without knowing each situation. There are many ways to adopt and its not in all kids best interests to keep in contact with their birthparents. I also find it interesting you only talk about the birthmother when there is also a birthfather and often other relatives. Your post/rant has nothing to do with the original topic and is offensive. You can advocate all you want in a world you do not know or understand but understand the harm you can do is far greater than the good.

First mother makes no sense. Some birthmoms do parent. Many do not. Ours never did. She is our child's birth mom. She gave birth. She never spent a day as the child's mother. As a parent through adoption, I am not the second mother.

You are very anti adoption and should not be addressing kids given your "knowledge."

Likewise comparing adoption today to those done in the 50-60's is not even comparable.

[Anonymous]

I’m thinking of you and wishing with all my heart that you’re snuggling your newborn soon and that the birth mama finds peace too. Praying that it all comes together for all of you in the coming days and weeks.

I’m thinking of a quote, I think it’s Toni Morrison and she said “trust life, a little bit.” Sometimes things do work out and impossibly good things can happen.

Please keep us posted, I’m so invested now!

[Anonymous]

OP here. This thread took a few bad turns but I appreciate the general sentiment. I will keep everyone posted. She has a doctors appointment today and is 39 weeks even. She needs to work the weekend (waitress) so she is hoping no sooner than Monday. She has previously gone over 40 weeks a few times so I expect we might wait a little white longer. Thanks guys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread took a few bad turns but I appreciate the general sentiment. I will keep everyone posted. She has a doctors appointment today and is 39 weeks even. She needs to work the weekend (waitress) so she is hoping no sooner than Monday. She has previously gone over 40 weeks a few times so I expect we might wait a little white longer. Thanks guys!

I guess she is technically 39 weeks one day. 40 weeks is jan 16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, this is a thread about a couple adopting, not about birthparents. Those of us who have adopted, are adoptees, etc. are telling you your choice of words is offensive to many of us. I truly hope you never ever teach my child as I would be horrified at what you are saying and you have no idea the harm you would cause my child saying what you are saying. You are also clueless to push open adoption without knowing each situation. There are many ways to adopt and its not in all kids best interests to keep in contact with their birthparents. I also find it interesting you only talk about the birthmother when there is also a birthfather and often other relatives. Your post/rant has nothing to do with the original topic and is offensive. You can advocate all you want in a world you do not know or understand but understand the harm you can do is far greater than the good.

First mother makes no sense. Some birthmoms do parent. Many do not. Ours never did. She is our child's birth mom. She gave birth. She never spent a day as the child's mother. As a parent through adoption, I am not the second mother.

You are very anti adoption and should not be addressing kids given your "knowledge."

Likewise comparing adoption today to those done in the 50-60's is not even comparable.

I disagree. I think the PP spelled it out wonderfully and is encouraging being inclusive with everyone affected in this less than ideal situation. I don't understand your bitterness or your claim that she doesn't understand as she has more experience than most.

There is a reason to focus on the mother, the baby lived inside of her and developed a connection. The birth mother had a huge affect on the child by what she did, what she ate, and her circumstances during the pregnancy. In turn, the baby irrevocably altered her biological mother's body, whereas the father contributed biological matter.

Back to OP, you sound like someone who will make a great parent and hope that it works out for you.

[Anonymous]

I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That's great for you. That doesn't mean that someone who uses the term "birth mother" is being offensive to the mother who adopted the child.