Huge age differences in marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not necessarily "suspicious"...but often problematic and unhappy in the long run. When you're both still in the 30-55 range, it can be fine and you don't feel the difference so much. But when the older one gets older, a lot of issues begin to arise and the younger one is generally unhappy

This. It's hard to understand the impact of the age difference when you are younger. I was quite attracted to older men when I was in my 20s - men in their late 30's. But I can't fathom being married to a man in his 60's now that I'm almost 50.

Yes, +2. I know of 3 separate women this has happened with. It's just fine (and maybe even great - I know they enjoyed the financial and lifestyle benefits of being married to someone who was 20+ years into his career from a young age) until the guy hits his 50s/60s. But then he's ready to slow down, and be more of a homebody...and the woman is feeling energetic and in her prime. Especially when there are kids involved, resentment multiplies. The woman suddenly feels like she is married to an old man; the man is tired and resents all that is being expected of him. All three women are deeply unhappy and unfulfilled, and the resentment is palpable.

These women are crazy to have children with guys in their 50s/60s. I'm 29yo and I can't stand being around small kids so I understand the resentment. Anyway, what you're describing is simple incompatibility. And it's not always age-related. I'm the younger spouse who is a hermit and hates the sun whereas my DH has to say "Hey, we are doing this event!". So it goes both ways. Another perspective I'll offer: The older spouse is usually retired and has more time at home to contribute as a partner in cooking, cleaning and bonding.

They did not have children with men in their 50s/60s...they (generally) had children with men in their 40s. But the children are still around (as is the accompanying go go go lifestyle) when the men hit their 50s and 60s.

I don't think it's that big of a deal, or even that unusual, to be raising kids in your 50s. I was a teenager when my parents turned 50. Though, I would agree that having new babies after your mid-50s is probably pushing it a bit. You probably want your kids to at least be graduated from high school by your early 60s.

People forget that in the "old days," it was completely normal for parents to have children later in life. Back then, they started young, didn't have birth control, and kept having kids until menopause. Even without IVF, it's not that unusual for women in their early 40s to have kids. This was the NORM up until the 20th Century.

PP, here. It's probably obvious, but I am referring to men who are married to younger women in the bolded phrase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are 7 years apart, which isn't huge but ...

Second marriage for both of us.

I don't consider that huge, fwiw. To me "huge" is much more than 10-12 years

It really depends on the younger person's age. A 12 year difference is "huge" if the younger person is in their early 20s. If they are in their mid-30s, it's not that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are 7 years apart, which isn't huge but ...

Second marriage for both of us.

I don't consider that huge, fwiw. To me "huge" is much more than 10-12 years

It really depends on the younger person's age. A 12 year difference is "huge" if the younger person is in their early 20s. If they are in their mid-30s, it's not that big of a deal.

DP.. I actually think it's the other way around.

When I was in my 20s, I was attracted to older men, like in their 30s. Fast forward, I'm 48, and I would never date a 60+ year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are 7 years apart, which isn't huge but ...

Second marriage for both of us.

I don't consider that huge, fwiw. To me "huge" is much more than 10-12 years

It really depends on the younger person's age. A 12 year difference is "huge" if the younger person is in their early 20s. If they are in their mid-30s, it's not that big of a deal.

DP.. I actually think it's the other way around.

When I was in my 20s, I was attracted to older men, like in their 30s. Fast forward, I'm 48, and I would never date a 60+ year old.

So, what are you going to do if you are single and 55? I guess you're assuming that it doesn't matter because you'll be happily married by then. I think that's the hidden assumption that underscores a lot of the "eew" reactions to age differences. You never think that you might one day be the "creepy" old person. Of course, not! You'll be married and living happily ever after! This is something that other people do!

[Anonymous]

No sane guy is going to date a menopausal woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No sane guy is going to date a menopausal woman.

Slight exaggeration. Plenty of men who are older and don't want kids do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No sane guy is going to date a menopausal woman.

Slight exaggeration. Plenty of men who are older and don't want kids do.

Lol, have you been on DCUM long enough?

[Anonymous]

I was 30 when I married a 50 year old. Today I'm 62 and he is 82 but he has been in very fragile health since he turned 70. I love him dearly but I know I've missed out on so much that other women my age have enjoyed. He encourages me to go out socially and travel but I feel guilty about doing so. We didn't have children so I often feel very alone.

[Anonymous]

Larges age differences are statistically associated with divorce.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=undefined&cd=&ved=0ahUKEwiQ09GxgoffAhXqY98KHe6zCrsQzPwBCAM&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.ajc.com%2Fnews%2Fnational%2Fthe-bigger-the-age-gap-the-greater-the-risk-divorce%2FHxM0mEvOn03vQp7OiDIkPJ%2F&psig=AOvVaw00DInWxfYEg1HIJ67lDSdE&ust=1544041884738218

Everyone knows someone who's an exception to the rule, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Throughout my twenties I was mostly attracted to men in their forties. I got older but then men I was attracted to didn’t age as fast it seems. If DH died, I probably would be interested in a man eight years to ten younger.

Alright, alright, alright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are 7 years apart, which isn't huge but ...

Second marriage for both of us.

I don't consider that huge, fwiw. To me "huge" is much more than 10-12 years

It really depends on the younger person's age. A 12 year difference is "huge" if the younger person is in their early 20s. If they are in their mid-30s, it's not that big of a deal.

DP.. I actually think it's the other way around.

When I was in my 20s, I was attracted to older men, like in their 30s. Fast forward, I'm 48, and I would never date a 60+ year old.

So, what are you going to do if you are single and 55? I guess you're assuming that it doesn't matter because you'll be happily married by then. I think that's the hidden assumption that underscores a lot of the "eew" reactions to age differences. You never think that you might one day be the "creepy" old person. Of course, not! You'll be married and living happily ever after! This is something that other people do!

Well, I married a man six years older when I was 32. If I had to get remarried, I'd hope to find someone within a few years of my own age. I certainly wouldn't think to date a man in his 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suspicious? Why or why not?

Suspicious of what?

Jealousy?

Yes, I'd say you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage has a huge age gap; 67 and 25. I am a retired fed with a very large pension.

Before I retired I traveled to a Southeast Asian county and met a very attractive 21yo woman. After she learned of my financial situation we agreed to get married.

She takes care of my physical and sexual needs daily and when I die she can collect half of my Federal pension for the rest of her life.

I couldn’t be happier.

God bless. Just make sure you walk down the stairs behind her, not in front of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 30 when I married a 50 year old. Today I'm 62 and he is 82 but he has been in very fragile health since he turned 70. I love him dearly but I know I've missed out on so much that other women my age have enjoyed. He encourages me to go out socially and travel but I feel guilty about doing so. We didn't have children so I often feel very alone.

It honestly sounds like you've had a relatively happy marriage, for 20-25 years. That's more than most people can say these days. I do understand the regrets about no children. Sometimes that's an issue with older men.

And, technically, 30 and 50 fails the YOUR_AGE/2 + 7 rule, if only slightly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 30 when I married a 50 year old. Today I'm 62 and he is 82 but he has been in very fragile health since he turned 70. I love him dearly but I know I've missed out on so much that other women my age have enjoyed. He encourages me to go out socially and travel but I feel guilty about doing so. We didn't have children so I often feel very alone.

Even if you did have children, you'd find something to complain about.