My mom threw out DH sentimental item

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

OP - I disagree that your mom means well.

I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH.

Are you married? Do you have relationships with people employer siblings parents friends cousins?
Are you actually calling cleansers and furniture moving undermining?
Something tells me that you and Opie's husband or smoke in the same meth.
Some people really don't know how to work relationships and you make little moves giant issues when you could've just been a little bit more savvy a little bit more slick to avoid a big problem and now your ass is having World War III over Pine-Sol versus formula 409

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

OP - I disagree that your mom means well.

I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH.

Are you married? Yes.
Do you have relationships with people employer siblings parents friends cousins? I have relationships with everyone but my cousins. They suck.
Are you actually calling cleansers and furniture moving undermining? No. But, I think throwing away ceramics that don't belong to you as undermining.
Something tells me that you and Opie's husband or smoke in the same meth. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that one of us is using meth, and it's not me.
Some people really don't know how to work relationships and you make little moves giant issues when you could've just been a little bit more savvy a little bit more slick to avoid a big problem and now your ass is having World War III over Pine-Sol versus formula 409. OP has the issue, not me. I agree that she isn't working her marriage very well. Up to her which relationship matters more.

[Anonymous]

Your mother needs to spend way less time at your house. The cleaning product thing is worse than throwing away the mug IMO.

Your mom thinks she’s one of the residents with equal (or higher) rights. She needs to be put in her place firmly. The only way to do that is to stop her spending a lot of time at your house. She’s way too comfortable.

Your DH puts up with way too much from both you and your mom. You’re not doing nearly enough (anything actually) to set and maintain boundaries.

I certainly hope she doesn’t have her own key!

[Anonymous]

I wish people would put more of my sentimental crap in the trash. Would spare me the aggravation of having to do that.

[Anonymous]

Mom has control issues. That's why she doesn't like people organizing her stuff but feels compelled to alter others' homes to her preferences.

DH overreacted if this were one incident, but ut sounds like he has had an ass full of MIL's nonsense and OP's making excuses for it and was DONE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother needs to spend way less time at your house. The cleaning product thing is worse than throwing away the mug IMO.

Your mom thinks she’s one of the residents with equal (or higher) rights. She needs to be put in her place firmly. The only way to do that is to stop her spending a lot of time at your house. She’s way too comfortable.

Your DH puts up with way too much from both you and your mom. You’re not doing nearly enough (anything actually) to set and maintain boundaries.

I certainly hope she doesn’t have her own key!

Oh my God call Judge Judy

[Anonymous]

OP - I disagree that your mom means well.

I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH.

+1 I agree with this. The part that you included that she once rearranged your furniture did it for me. You need to tell your mom that she is a guest in your house. It is not her house. Tell to her to behave as if she is visiting one of her friends or other relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

OP - I disagree that your mom means well.

I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH.

I was just about to type this. And the fact that you repeatedly stated she "means well" tell me you are also talking to yourself.

What I read about is a person who isn't respecting that she is not in her own home. Yeah, tidying can be helpful, but you have to earn the right to do something as intimate as anything more than the dishes. You don't mess with people's stuff when in a house not your own. It does not sound to me like she has earned the privilege of acting like an intimate. It does not sound to me like your husband is being respected by you or your mom.

She knew damned well this mug was a favorite, because she sees the kids use it all the time.

Years back, I noticed my mom treating my SIL better than she treated me. So I started acting more like SIL until my mom started walking on eggshells in my house, too. She is much more respectful of me and my choices. She's not happy, but I am (and so is my husband)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

OP - I disagree that your mom means well.

I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH.

I was just about to type this. And the fact that you repeatedly stated she "means well" tell me you are also talking to yourself.

What I read about is a person who isn't respecting that she is not in her own home. Yeah, tidying can be helpful, but you have to earn the right to do something as intimate as anything more than the dishes. You don't mess with people's stuff when in a house not your own. It does not sound to me like she has earned the privilege of acting like an intimate. It does not sound to me like your husband is being respected by you or your mom.

She knew damned well this mug was a favorite, because she sees the kids use it all the time.

Years back, I noticed my mom treating my SIL better than she treated me. So I started acting more like SIL until my mom started walking on eggshells in my house, too. She is much more respectful of me and my choices. She's not happy, but I am (and so is my husband)

Wow , some of you have truly effed up relationships with your mom . When some biddy says your PARENT is not an "intimate"
Geezus Christmas!

[Anonymous]

I picture "moving furniture" equals moving a small table or stool while cleaning. I feel OP is seriously exaggerating. And OP, if you don't use a specific cleaner why do you have it in the house? Or does your mom come armed with bleach spray?

Did she know the mug was sentimental?

Are you and your husband always so high strung?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I picture "moving furniture" equals moving a small table or stool while cleaning. I feel OP is seriously exaggerating. And OP, if you don't use a specific cleaner why do you have it in the house? Or does your mom come armed with bleach spray?

Did she know the mug was sentimental?

Are you and your husband always so high strung?

Evidently they are .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I picture "moving furniture" equals moving a small table or stool while cleaning. I feel OP is seriously exaggerating. And OP, if you don't use a specific cleaner why do you have it in the house? Or does your mom come armed with bleach spray?

Did she know the mug was sentimental?

Are you and your husband always so high strung?

My mother has rearranged entire rooms while I was at the grocery store "Doesn't it look so much better?"

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm curious, if you had a stack or mail or a letter on your desk would your mother read it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I picture "moving furniture" equals moving a small table or stool while cleaning. I feel OP is seriously exaggerating. And OP, if you don't use a specific cleaner why do you have it in the house? Or does your mom come armed with bleach spray?

Did she know the mug was sentimental?

Are you and your husband always so high strung?

My mother has rearranged entire rooms while I was at the grocery store "Doesn't it look so much better?"

and you say
Put it back and move on.

But some of these posters act like somebody took their kids organs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I picture "moving furniture" equals moving a small table or stool while cleaning. I feel OP is seriously exaggerating. And OP, if you don't use a specific cleaner why do you have it in the house? Or does your mom come armed with bleach spray?

Did she know the mug was sentimental?

Are you and your husband always so high strung?

My mother has rearranged entire rooms while I was at the grocery store "Doesn't it look so much better?"

and you say
Put it back and move on.

But some of these posters act like somebody took their kids organs

Listen one poster determined to gaslight everyone. Someone who doesn't live in your house coming in and rearranging things and going into your personal spaces is inappropriate and a violation. Hands down.

And rearranging furniture can also be quite difficult to put back together.