Reply to My mom threw out DH sentimental item

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "My mom threw out DH sentimental item"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, [b]my mom[/b] is very helpful and [b]means well[/b], no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and [b]asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff.[/b] She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- [b]I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner [/b]-- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

[/quote]

[b]OP - I disagree that your mom means well.
[/b]
I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH. [/quote]

I was just about to type this.  And the fact that you repeatedly stated she "means well" tell me you are also talking to yourself.

What I read about is a person who isn't respecting that she is not in her own home.  Yeah, tidying can be helpful, but you have to earn the right to do something as intimate as anything more than the dishes.  You don't mess with people's stuff when in a house not your own.  It does not sound to me like she has earned the privilege of acting like an intimate.  It does not sound to me like your husband is being respected by you or your mom.

She knew damned well this mug was a favorite, because she sees the kids use it all the time.

Years back, I noticed my mom treating my SIL better than she treated me.  So I started acting more like SIL until my mom started walking on eggshells in my house, too. She is much more respectful of me and my choices.  She's not happy, but I am (and so is my husband)

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics