My mom threw out DH sentimental item

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

OP - I disagree that your mom means well.

I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH.

I was just about to type this. And the fact that you repeatedly stated she "means well" tell me you are also talking to yourself.

What I read about is a person who isn't respecting that she is not in her own home. Yeah, tidying can be helpful, but you have to earn the right to do something as intimate as anything more than the dishes. You don't mess with people's stuff when in a house not your own. It does not sound to me like she has earned the privilege of acting like an intimate. It does not sound to me like your husband is being respected by you or your mom.

She knew damned well this mug was a favorite, because she sees the kids use it all the time.

Years back, I noticed my mom treating my SIL better than she treated me. So I started acting more like SIL until my mom started walking on eggshells in my house, too. She is much more respectful of me and my choices. She's not happy, but I am (and so is my husband)

Wow , some of you have truly effed up relationships with your mom . When some biddy says your PARENT is not an "intimate"
Geezus Christmas!

Yes, some of us do, so don't be such a snot.

Why does mom automatically qualify as an "intimate" with her son-in-law? No reason, really.

And I truly hope you speak English better than you type.

And I hope I have better relationships then you do .
The fact that you would assume that most people make their parents earn an "intimate" relationship says a lot about you and the quality of your relationships.
Yes there are a lot of dysfunctional families and dysfunctional relationship but to assume that that is the default for anyone especially when talking about their relationship with their mother is really sad and that speaks to your mindset .
And I am really sorry that you feel like a son in law mother-in-law or father-in-law any in law can't be close because a lot of them are .

No one had to assume. OP described her dysfunctional relationship with her mom. It is what it is.

Dysfunctional because she's move some furniture taken a few liberties you won't blow up the entire universe over some bullshit . Something tells me all your relationships are difficult

Do you think it’s ok to move furniture around in someone else’s house without their permission? Not moving a table to vacuum under it, but rearranging the layout of furniture in a room? Have you ever done that or had someone do that to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

OP - I disagree that your mom means well.

I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH.

I was just about to type this. And the fact that you repeatedly stated she "means well" tell me you are also talking to yourself.

What I read about is a person who isn't respecting that she is not in her own home. Yeah, tidying can be helpful, but you have to earn the right to do something as intimate as anything more than the dishes. You don't mess with people's stuff when in a house not your own. It does not sound to me like she has earned the privilege of acting like an intimate. It does not sound to me like your husband is being respected by you or your mom.

She knew damned well this mug was a favorite, because she sees the kids use it all the time.

Years back, I noticed my mom treating my SIL better than she treated me. So I started acting more like SIL until my mom started walking on eggshells in my house, too. She is much more respectful of me and my choices. She's not happy, but I am (and so is my husband)

Wow , some of you have truly effed up relationships with your mom . When some biddy says your PARENT is not an "intimate"
Geezus Christmas!

Yes, some of us do, so don't be such a snot.

Why does mom automatically qualify as an "intimate" with her son-in-law? No reason, really.

And I truly hope you speak English better than you type.

And I hope I have better relationships then you do .
The fact that you would assume that most people make their parents earn an "intimate" relationship says a lot about you and the quality of your relationships.
Yes there are a lot of dysfunctional families and dysfunctional relationship but to assume that that is the default for anyone especially when talking about their relationship with their mother is really sad and that speaks to your mindset .
And I am really sorry that you feel like a son in law mother-in-law or father-in-law any in law can't be close because a lot of them are .

No one had to assume. OP described her dysfunctional relationship with her mom. It is what it is.

Dysfunctional because she's move some furniture taken a few liberties you won't blow up the entire universe over some bullshit . Something tells me all your relationships are difficult

Do you think it’s ok to move furniture around in someone else’s house without their permission? Not moving a table to vacuum under it, but rearranging the layout of furniture in a room? Have you ever done that or had someone do that to you?

Don’t feed the troll.

I have had it done to me by a parent and o moved stuff back. Yes, when peoplectakeoverties you need to let them know what is and is not ok.
HOW. DAFUQ.EVER why are you so upset as if
1) the person was a stranger and not her dang momma

2) why is the response so over the freaking top as if she sold the kids to a human trafficker

3) Responses need to match the misdeed otherwise you blow up the entire relationship , but if you approach relationships from a me vs.you perspective , you do you.

4) If my DH had gone off on my mom like that , a thrown away mug would have been the least of his problems . But I'm married to a grown a** man who respects himself and his extended family .'Miss Shirley, that wasn't trash , it was a keepsake , even though it does not look like it. We truly appreciate your help and you extending yourself, but you do not know what everything is or where it goes, so please ask before you chip in. I know you want to be helpful, so let's agree to just talk BEFORE anything gets done. Trust me, it will be less embarrassing than you watching a grown man cry over a list SpiderMan mug, Haha'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

OP - I disagree that your mom means well.

I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH.

I was just about to type this. And the fact that you repeatedly stated she "means well" tell me you are also talking to yourself.

What I read about is a person who isn't respecting that she is not in her own home. Yeah, tidying can be helpful, but you have to earn the right to do something as intimate as anything more than the dishes. You don't mess with people's stuff when in a house not your own. It does not sound to me like she has earned the privilege of acting like an intimate. It does not sound to me like your husband is being respected by you or your mom.

She knew damned well this mug was a favorite, because she sees the kids use it all the time.

Years back, I noticed my mom treating my SIL better than she treated me. So I started acting more like SIL until my mom started walking on eggshells in my house, too. She is much more respectful of me and my choices. She's not happy, but I am (and so is my husband)

Wow , some of you have truly effed up relationships with your mom . When some biddy says your PARENT is not an "intimate"
Geezus Christmas!

Yes, some of us do, so don't be such a snot.

Why does mom automatically qualify as an "intimate" with her son-in-law? No reason, really.

And I truly hope you speak English better than you type.

And I hope I have better relationships then you do .
The fact that you would assume that most people make their parents earn an "intimate" relationship says a lot about you and the quality of your relationships.
Yes there are a lot of dysfunctional families and dysfunctional relationship but to assume that that is the default for anyone especially when talking about their relationship with their mother is really sad and that speaks to your mindset .
And I am really sorry that you feel like a son in law mother-in-law or father-in-law any in law can't be close because a lot of them are .

No one had to assume. OP described her dysfunctional relationship with her mom. It is what it is.

Dysfunctional because she's move some furniture taken a few liberties you won't blow up the entire universe over some bullshit . Something tells me all your relationships are difficult

Do you think it’s ok to move furniture around in someone else’s house without their permission? Not moving a table to vacuum under it, but rearranging the layout of furniture in a room? Have you ever done that or had someone do that to you?

This is really a relationship ender for you, for real for real?
'Ma, Ma , first of all ASK first, second of all we liked where we had it. Stay in your lane befor Bart loses his entire mind and I have to cut both of you off"

[Anonymous]

Everybody in this interaction is overreacting because of the raw history.

I think it’s goofy to get upset over a broken mug. The fact of the handle is missing is important because especially if your children are young, grandma was probably getting rid of an item that could potentialy cut/injure the kids.

When you are arguing about a damn mug you are not arguing about a damn mug.

[Anonymous]

OMG, trim your quote trees, people! My eyes can’t take your crazy long posts.

[Anonymous]

Np. I am completely with the Spider-Man mug poster above. Your DH overreacted. Your mom overstepped. Both seem over it, though, right? Appropriately so.

I say this as someone whose MIL has absolutely rearranged furniture in my house. It drove me nuts. I did not yell, though. I responded wjth a smile—“thanks but I liked it the old way!”, bitched to my husband, and moved the furniture back. She hasn’t done it again.

[Anonymous]

Too much crazy here.

OP - talk to your husband and figure out why this small thing wasn't small to him. There's a boundary issue with your mom and you are an enabler.

I can tell you this isn't about the mug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

OP - I disagree that your mom means well.

I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH.

I was just about to type this. And the fact that you repeatedly stated she "means well" tell me you are also talking to yourself.

What I read about is a person who isn't respecting that she is not in her own home. Yeah, tidying can be helpful, but you have to earn the right to do something as intimate as anything more than the dishes. You don't mess with people's stuff when in a house not your own. It does not sound to me like she has earned the privilege of acting like an intimate. It does not sound to me like your husband is being respected by you or your mom.

She knew damned well this mug was a favorite, because she sees the kids use it all the time.

Years back, I noticed my mom treating my SIL better than she treated me. So I started acting more like SIL until my mom started walking on eggshells in my house, too. She is much more respectful of me and my choices. She's not happy, but I am (and so is my husband)

Wow , some of you have truly effed up relationships with your mom . When some biddy says your PARENT is not an "intimate"
Geezus Christmas!

Yes, some of us do, so don't be such a snot.

Why does mom automatically qualify as an "intimate" with her son-in-law? No reason, really.

And I truly hope you speak English better than you type.

And I hope I have better relationships then you do .
The fact that you would assume that most people make their parents earn an "intimate" relationship says a lot about you and the quality of your relationships.
Yes there are a lot of dysfunctional families and dysfunctional relationship but to assume that that is the default for anyone especially when talking about their relationship with their mother is really sad and that speaks to your mindset .
And I am really sorry that you feel like a son in law mother-in-law or father-in-law any in law can't be close because a lot of them are .

No one had to assume. OP described her dysfunctional relationship with her mom. It is what it is.

Dysfunctional because she's move some furniture taken a few liberties you won't blow up the entire universe over some bullshit . Something tells me all your relationships are difficult

Do you think it’s ok to move furniture around in someone else’s house without their permission? Not moving a table to vacuum under it, but rearranging the layout of furniture in a room? Have you ever done that or had someone do that to you?

This is really a relationship ender for you, for real for real?
'Ma, Ma , first of all ASK first, second of all we liked where we had it. Stay in your lane befor Bart loses his entire mind and I have to cut both of you off"

Ha! NP here. You and I must be sisters by different mothers and fathers. This is totally something I would say to both my mom and to Bart! Probably after I tackled both of them and got the kids to sit on them.

[Anonymous]

My mother does the same kind of thing to me and I am livid. There is no way this was a well meaning accident. Has she never seen DH or the kids use it? Either it was dirty and obviously still in use, or clean in the cabinet and she was snooping through your stuff. You have to support your husband in this. It would be bad enough for her to throw away something, but it was a cherished item from your husband’s child hood. You need to sit down and talk to her. No more cleaning, period.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is stepping all over your boundaries and you aren't backing up your husband. It was wrong of your mom to rearrange your furniture, to use a cleaning product that you had specifically told her not to use and to throw out your stuff without asking you first.

Your mom isn't being helpful, she is being controlling and overbearing. I wouldn't have her help you clean your home anymore. You need to start putting boundaries in place as it sounds like she steamrolls right over the top of you with little thought about how you might feel.

The comments of "oh she is just being helpful" tells me that you are a doormat and will continue to let your mom do what ever she wants to in your house because you are too scared to confront her.

Your relationship with your husband will suffer because of this as his resentment grows. If you don't have his back he will lose respect for you. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

All this over a stupid broken mug. Move on, people. Enough dramatics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother does the same kind of thing to me and I am livid. There is no way this was a well meaning accident. Has she never seen DH or the kids use it? Either it was dirty and obviously still in use, or clean in the cabinet and she was snooping through your stuff. You have to support your husband in this. It would be bad enough for her to throw away something, but it was a cherished item from your husband’s child hood. You need to sit down and talk to her. No more cleaning, period.

Sooooooo, because your mother does this to you you are absolutely positive that OP's mother is not well meaning??
Hmmmm, exactly how did you draw that connection and subsequent conclusion ? Are your mom and OP's mom sisters with the same behavioral proclivities?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is stepping all over your boundaries and you aren't backing up your husband. It was wrong of your mom to rearrange your furniture, to use a cleaning product that you had specifically told her not to use and to throw out your stuff without asking you first.

Your mom isn't being helpful, she is being controlling and overbearing. I wouldn't have her help you clean your home anymore. You need to start putting boundaries in place as it sounds like she steamrolls right over the top of you with little thought about how you might feel.

The comments of "oh she is just being helpful" tells me that you are a doormat and will continue to let your mom do what ever she wants to in your house because you are too scared to confront her.

Your relationship with your husband will suffer because of this as his resentment grows. If you don't have his back he will lose respect for you. BTDT.

Because she thinks her mother( whom, I would assume that she knows and you do not) is helpful, that automatically means that OP is a doormat ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is stepping all over your boundaries and you aren't backing up your husband. It was wrong of your mom to rearrange your furniture, to use a cleaning product that you had specifically told her not to use and to throw out your stuff without asking you first.

Your mom isn't being helpful, she is being controlling and overbearing. I wouldn't have her help you clean your home anymore. You need to start putting boundaries in place as it sounds like she steamrolls right over the top of you with little thought about how you might feel.

The comments of "oh she is just being helpful" tells me that you are a doormat and will continue to let your mom do what ever she wants to in your house because you are too scared to confront her.

Your relationship with your husband will suffer because of this as his resentment grows. If you don't have his back he will lose respect for you. BTDT.

Agreed. Op is afraid of her mother. I bet there is a lot more background here if her husband is that upset. I'm glad op's husband doesn't take it. Op is not supporting her dh.

[Anonymous]

You are not backing up your husband. Your mother is overstepping in ways that are not okay. You have given her permission to do things in your home because you find it helpful, but it comes at a cost of disrespecting your husband. You need a shift in your thinking about this. It is not okay.

This.

Husband first, core family first. Be kind, but clear. Mom needs to respect your requests and not throw things away without checking. Period.

If you are clear about that, and clearly have your husband's back, the odds are pretty good that he'll then be more willing to put up w/ your mother. He needs to feel that you are prioritizing him.