My mom threw out DH sentimental item

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that your mom’s after dinner cleanup offerings are now finished. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished. Did your husband confront her in an angry, forceful way? Otherwise it’s hard to see how this eacalated otherwise.

Somehow I have a feeling it would not go over well if OP was cleaning up at her mom’s house and decided to throw away her dishes because she didn’t like them. Then OP can play the martyr and talk about how no good deed goes unpunished.

Nobody consideres throwing away dishes as part of clean up. Her mom would be upset if some did that at her house too. I don’t understand why the mom can’t apologize? She did something weird and inappropriate. Say you’re sorry and everyone moves on.

[Anonymous]

This whole situation is strange. I suspect your mom threw it away by accident or because it was chipped or damaged. The appropriate reaction would be to apologize, but if you or your husband came at her in a really accusatory way, she probably got defensive. I'd play go-between. Tell mom that you know she meant well (even if you don't think she did), but that the cup had sentimental value to your husband and that's why he reacted so strongly. Ask her to apologize to keep the peace. And then tell your husband to drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that your mom’s after dinner cleanup offerings are now finished. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished. Did your husband confront her in an angry, forceful way? Otherwise it’s hard to see how this eacalated otherwise.

This is what I was wondering. Did he approach her like it was a simple mistake or did he act like she’d thrown away one of the kids?

LOLOLOLOL

[Anonymous]

To everyone who keeps saying “maybe it was chipped!”

Ok, and? Do you help do dishes at someone’s home and if you see a chipped plate, do you say F it and throw it in the garbage? You honestly think this is ok?

And as for using this cup, I have a chipped and scratched, really mangled looking coffee mug. Permanently stained. I don’t expect anyone else to use it, but it was my grandfather’s favorite mug. And I inherited it. And I USE it. It looks like crap but I love it.

It’s NEVER your place to go to someone’s house and decide what is garbage. ASK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that your mom’s after dinner cleanup offerings are now finished. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished. Did your husband confront her in an angry, forceful way? Otherwise it’s hard to see how this eacalated otherwise.

This is what I was wondering. Did he approach her like it was a simple mistake or did he act like she’d thrown away one of the kids?

LOLOLOLOL

The DH should apologize.

Then, the next time they have dinner at the mom’s house he should throw his plate, cup, silverware in the trash can. When she freaks out he can play coy “What? I was just trying to help....”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesson learned: don't keep stuff like this in common areas. If it's so sentimental, it should be kept with other keepsakes.

It’s a ceramic mug!

He probably wants to drink coffee in it, why shouldn’t he keep cups in the kitchen? It’s weird to throw away other people’s dishes.

Maybe she thought it was chipped and broken? I guess I don't get the attachment to a mug but, why assume the worst and that it wasn't an accident? Good grief DH is acting like she stabbed him with a knife.

so what? it isn't her house. i agree it's not that big of a deal, but it speaks to boundary issues. if my mother or MIL started throwing away our belongings simply because they didn't meet their standards, i'd be annoyed too. it's not like it was a a pile of used paper towels or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that your mom’s after dinner cleanup offerings are now finished. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished. Did your husband confront her in an angry, forceful way? Otherwise it’s hard to see how this eacalated otherwise.

This is what I was wondering. Did he approach her like it was a simple mistake or did he act like she’d thrown away one of the kids?

LOLOLOLOL

The DH should apologize.

Then, the next time they have dinner at the mom’s house he should throw his plate, cup, silverware in the trash can. When she freaks out he can play coy “What? I was just trying to help....”

Ha! When that happens OP will be obliged to make her mom apologize to DH, because you know, he was only trying to help...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole situation is strange. I suspect your mom threw it away by accident or because it was chipped or damaged. The appropriate reaction would be to apologize, but if you or your husband came at her in a really accusatory way, she probably got defensive. I'd play go-between. Tell mom that you know she meant well (even if you don't think she did), but that the cup had sentimental value to your husband and that's why he reacted so strongly. Ask her to apologize to keep the peace. And then tell your husband to drop it.

+1 But I would also ask DH to apologize if he came out too strongly and accusatory. Rapprochement all the way around sounds like the solution here.

[Anonymous]

OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

[Anonymous]

Yeah your husband sounds like an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

Your mom is clearly a boundary stomper and being polite won't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

You are not backing up your husband. Your mother is overstepping in ways that are not okay. You have given her permission to do things in your home because you find it helpful, but it comes at a cost of disrespecting your husband. You need a shift in your thinking about this. It is not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

This jumps out. It sounds like she was trying to help. It also sounds like you guys need it. When your husband steps up and does all the cleaning that it seems like your mom is always doing then maybe he'll have a better idea of what it is like to be her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

Does she carry her own cleaners with her? How is she using things in your house that you don’t like - why are they in the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are not backing up your husband. Your mother is overstepping in ways that are not okay. You have given her permission to do things in your home because you find it helpful, but it comes at a cost of disrespecting your husband. You need a shift in your thinking about this. It is not okay.

This.