My mom threw out DH sentimental item

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah your husband sounds like an ass.

That is what you got out of it? The mother throws out his belongings, rearranges his furniture, uses cleaners that for whatever reason they don't use in their house, and HE sounds like an ass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah your husband sounds like an ass.

I got the exact opposite from her followup. Her mother is an ass and her husband is done playing nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah your husband sounds like an ass.

I got the exact opposite from her followup. Her mother is an ass and her husband is done playing nice.

Same. And OP throws up her hands and says but she meant well. If the genders were reversed here and DH's mother was doing this stuff, no way would anyone back up the MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah your husband sounds like an ass.

That is what you got out of it? The mother throws out his belongings, rearranges his furniture, uses cleaners that for whatever reason they don't use in their house, and HE sounds like an ass?

I know it doesn't sounds like much to some people but I have a mom who is controlling in this way. She used to move things around in my house, throw things away, bring things in to the house. Then she would throw a hissy fit if I didn't appreciate it. If OP's mom really wanted to be helpful she can ask what needs to be done and not throw things out/rearrange.

[Anonymous]

to 1039's question about where the despised cleaners came from:

She bought it from grocery store herself during long visit while she was living out of state and she'd gone to grocery store to pick up other stuff -- certain type of shampoo etc -- she wanted for herself.

Irony is years ago my bro/sil had tried to surprise her in her home by cleaning out her very disorganized main level bathroom while she was out. they thought it would be a nice surprise. she was VERY angry with them upon her return for taking it upon themselves to toss things, rearrange her stuff.

DH is over the whole situation, wants to return to normal, doesn't want to have a big talk about it, just wants me to lay down some ground rules about how she is never to throw out our stuff etc. I obviously would have run interference if I weren't tied up with child at the time she was cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DH is over the whole situation, wants to return to normal, doesn't want to have a big talk about it, just wants me to lay down some ground rules about how she is never to throw out our stuff etc. I obviously would have run interference if I weren't tied up with child at the time she was cleaning.

But you need to run interference now, before it happens again. Mom, we love you, but . . .

[Anonymous]

She was trying to help, made a mistake and it escalated. Such a big deal over a cup. They both need to realize they are being babies. Actually, my babies would’ve made up by now and not fight over a cup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She was trying to help, made a mistake and it escalated. Such a big deal over a cup. They both need to realize they are being babies. Actually, my babies would’ve made up by now and not fight over a cup.

I don't think you have a relative like this. It is very invasive to have someone go through your stuff. I actually loathe it when someone related to me tries to do anything more than a dinner clean up at my home. I don't like people in my closets/drawers/cabinets etc and would be really upset if someone tried to clean and organize for me. It would be an invasion of privacy. I would also be very upset if someone threw away something that meant something to me.

She 'tries to help' in ways that cause friction and discord on a regular basis. That isn't trying to help, that is trying to control and insert herself in an arena where she is clearly not welcome.

OP you need to tell your mom that cleaning in your home is not helpful. And that she should NOT clean anything in your home under any circumstances. That should solve this problem entirely. MIL doesn't clean and she can't do anything to make the two of you mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: She was trying to help, made a mistake and it escalated. Such a big deal over a cup. They both need to realize they are being babies. Actually, my babies would’ve made up by now and not fight over a cup.

I don't think you have a relative like this. It is very invasive to have someone go through your stuff. I actually loathe it when someone related to me tries to do anything more than a dinner clean up at my home. I don't like people in my closets/drawers/cabinets etc and would be really upset if someone tried to clean and organize for me. It would be an invasion of privacy. I would also be very upset if someone threw away something that meant something to me.

She 'tries to help' in ways that cause friction and discord on a regular basis. That isn't trying to help, that is trying to control and insert herself in an arena where she is clearly not welcome.

OP you need to tell your mom that cleaning in your home is not helpful. And that she should NOT clean anything in your home under any circumstances. That should solve this problem entirely. MIL doesn't clean and she can't do anything to make the two of you mad.

You’re right. I don’t. I interpreted it like the cup was sitting out in she was picking up trash and cleaning up and it went In the trash. I wouldn’t like it if somebody went through my things either. But I would also be understanding if something was accidentally tossed. I understand there are many other issues and her situation and a history of bad feelings between her husband and her mom. So in essence this might not be about the cup but about everything else that’s happened.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the problem here. It is YOUR job to manage how your mother's actions impact your family home. OK, you don't ask her to help, but she does anyway. You frame everything she does through a lens of "she's trying to help." You are lying to yourself because you don't want to deal with the increasing confrontation. You own your husband an apology for not setting clear boundaries with your mother to the point where your husband has clearly had it. Rest assured that some of the anger he directed at your mother was meant for YOU too. He should have handled it more gracefully, for sure, but sounds to me the guy has been begging you for help and you've blithely not done much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

So a broken ass mug and you and OP are tripping????
If I saw a broken mug I may have thrown it away too thinking it was trash.
Matter of fact, I just threw away a bag of trash that was on dining room table .
Turns out it was a bag of receipts.
WTF!!!!!

Luckily I was able to retrieve it, but when stuff looks like garbage ...
And your husband is that wound up he could not understand that ???
And he is tripping off of re-arranged furniture????
'Hey, Mom in law , watch this' move the dang furniture back.
'Thanks anyway , but we like it this way'
Some of you people line to make your bed hard for no reason .

You write like you're in a poetry slam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You show your DH you have his back. Your mom shouldn’t be throwing away your stuff. She shouldn’t need to grovel, but she should’ve apologized instead of getting defensive and angry. If you haven’t backed your DH up, you should now. And yeah, a little loving tonight will help smooth things over and let you both release a little tension.

If this was a first, let it go after that. If your mom is always like this, set firmer boundaries.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

Okay, so your mom shouldn't have thrown it away without asking, but she was trying to help you out and the thing was visibly broken. Your husband overreacted, possibly because of the history between the two. He could have just said, "Yeah, I know it's broken but it was mine when I was a kid and has sentimental value. Next time, please ask before you throw something away." Done. Instead, he yells at her and she gets defensive and angry back. She as wrong, but so was he. I think everyone needs to let it drop and get over it.

I do understand that your mom oversteps boundaries, but sometimes I think that people on here are too obsessed with boundaries, and so they make big conflicts out of small things. Pick your battles, you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

Okay, so your mom shouldn't have thrown it away without asking, but she was trying to help you out and the thing was visibly broken. Your husband overreacted, possibly because of the history between the two. He could have just said, "Yeah, I know it's broken but it was mine when I was a kid and has sentimental value. Next time, please ask before you throw something away." Done. Instead, he yells at her and she gets defensive and angry back. She as wrong, but so was he. I think everyone needs to let it drop and get over it.

I do understand that your mom oversteps boundaries, but sometimes I think that people on here are too obsessed with boundaries, and so they make big conflicts out of small things. Pick your battles, you know?

Yes
Jesus!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

OP - I disagree that your mom means well.

I can understand why your husband said that in a sharp tone if it was about a sentimental item and she's had boundary issues in the past. Also, he doesn't have the support of his wife when it's on her side of the family.

Please try to think of someone constantly undermining you in this way - and your husband not supporting you.

I'm on Team DH.