Uneven allocation of estate between two adult children. Is my allocation fair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are either of your children actually incapable of taking care of themselves? If one is actually not going to be able to be self sufficient, then of course, leave more for that child. If one is just more pleasant (and has some learning issues) and the other is less pleasant but no diagnosed issues, then NO, do not make it an uneven split.

+1 IMO, there are only two reasons for an uneven split -- one child can't care for themselves or one child spent substantially more time/money caring for the parent. DH's parents didn't have much of an estate but he asked them not to leave anything to him since his brother (who lives in the same town) has spent so much time helping them with their small business, life management, health issues, etc.

OP: Do be mindful of what this will do to your family dynamics. It looks like I'm going to be on the "short" end of an unequal split between my only sibling and me. Father passed away two years ago. Mother never wanted me to know the contents if her will until after her death, but I had to receive his will/sign a waiver during the probate process so my mother could get my father's estate settled. The contingent beneficiary section indicated how the estate would have been divided, if my mother had not been around. I won't go into great detail, but it's probably 75% sibling/25% me. I had never been estranged from my parents, and I provided a lot of support to them during the course of my father's illness. They had favored my sibling in a lot of ways that I had previously been able to excuse, but the finality of this cut me to the core. I still love my mother and don't covet her assets, which she worked for and has every right to. However, I expected things would be divided equally, if there were assets remaining. My mother gets upset when I raise the issue, and still won't discuss the specifics of her will, but I gather it is similar to that of my father. Much as I try, it's difficult to continue our relationship as before because these issues loom large. Holiday visits are tense, and my mother avoids seeing me at other times. My sibling and I have never been close, and this isn't helping.

Are you and sibling different genders? Wonder why this disparity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad has a child from his second marriage who is almost 20 years younger than me and my other sibling. My half-brother has some significant LDs, and although he is now married and self-supporting, he has a lot of trouble finding and holding jobs and is unlikely to ever achieve more than a modest income. (Of course, we could be wrong about that, but he is now in his 30s so odds are high). I make a very comfortable income and my other sibling does as well, and a few years ago our dad sat us down and said he and our stepmother are planning to distribute $ in their wills roughly 50% to our half-sib with learning issues and 25% each to my other sibling and me, on the grounds that a) our half-sib is younger and will have more "parentless" years than we did, since he was born to much older parents, and b) he is unlikely to every make as much money as we do, and c) we will inherit some money (presumably) from our mother, his ex wife.

I have sort of mixed feelings. On the one hand I totally get it and agree: I don't "need" the money and my half-sib, a sweet guy who really struggles with his issues, probably will need it. I also have never felt "entitled" to any inheritance. But on the other hand I have to admit it hurts a little. It's stupid and I try really hard to rise above it, but it does trigger some old jealousies and resentments. My other brother and I grew up pretty poor and lived with our mother after our parents got divorced, and though our dad was always very present in our lives, we did not live with him, whereas our half-sibling, born when we were adults, lived with our dad in a nuclear family and had a much more affluent childhood than we did. I do struggle not to feel hurt.

I guess overall I wish my dad would just divvy up whatever there is 1/3 to each of us, and trust that my brother and I will help our less-able half-sib as needed. We have both already helped him a lot financially: letting him stay with us for extended periods, giving him pretty large cash gifts to help out, and so on. We are both close to him and would always be there to help, just as our parents have been, if he ever needs it.

but at the end of the day: I love my dad and love our brother, so... nothing we can't get past.

Doofus you'll get ZERO. Dad will go first, wife will take all, and leave you two nothing.

Not necessarily. Many people who are in this situation establish a trust with a life estate for the surviving spouse, so she can't disinherit the older kids.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to inherit more than my brother. My mom is leaving me two pieces of real estate outright, then splitting the rest of her estate 50/50 between me and my brother. The reason is how much more money she and my dad gave him during his life (until he was well into his 40’s) versus the nothing I was given. It’s to even everything out at the end. She’s already told my brother and he doesn’t seem to have an issue with it but I know it’s going to make me feel uncomfortable at the end, as I’m also the executor.

I kind of wish she’d just even it out now so I don’t have to deal with the disparity later. But I think it’s kind of her way of saying “f you” to my brother, as she’s still bitter about how much money she and my dad gave him over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad has a child from his second marriage who is almost 20 years younger than me and my other sibling. My half-brother has some significant LDs, and although he is now married and self-supporting, he has a lot of trouble finding and holding jobs and is unlikely to ever achieve more than a modest income. (Of course, we could be wrong about that, but he is now in his 30s so odds are high). I make a very comfortable income and my other sibling does as well, and a few years ago our dad sat us down and said he and our stepmother are planning to distribute $ in their wills roughly 50% to our half-sib with learning issues and 25% each to my other sibling and me, on the grounds that a) our half-sib is younger and will have more "parentless" years than we did, since he was born to much older parents, and b) he is unlikely to every make as much money as we do, and c) we will inherit some money (presumably) from our mother, his ex wife.

I have sort of mixed feelings. On the one hand I totally get it and agree: I don't "need" the money and my half-sib, a sweet guy who really struggles with his issues, probably will need it. I also have never felt "entitled" to any inheritance. But on the other hand I have to admit it hurts a little. It's stupid and I try really hard to rise above it, but it does trigger some old jealousies and resentments. My other brother and I grew up pretty poor and lived with our mother after our parents got divorced, and though our dad was always very present in our lives, we did not live with him, whereas our half-sibling, born when we were adults, lived with our dad in a nuclear family and had a much more affluent childhood than we did. I do struggle not to feel hurt.

I guess overall I wish my dad would just divvy up whatever there is 1/3 to each of us, and trust that my brother and I will help our less-able half-sib as needed. We have both already helped him a lot financially: letting him stay with us for extended periods, giving him pretty large cash gifts to help out, and so on. We are both close to him and would always be there to help, just as our parents have been, if he ever needs it.

but at the end of the day: I love my dad and love our brother, so... nothing we can't get past.

Doofus you'll get ZERO. Dad will go first, wife will take all, and leave you two nothing.

Not necessarily. Many people who are in this situation establish a trust with a life estate for the surviving spouse, so she can't disinherit the older kids.

Honestly, my XH is too stupid to realize this. I think there are a lot of people out there who don’t realize the laws of succession without a will and, even if they intent to bequeath their accumulated assets to their children, don’t realize they have to take affirmative action for that to happen.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking about doing this as one child has a different father (my first husband) who will leave her part of his estate (I assume). He is in touch with her and pays for vacations, school, etc. My son will only inherit from me and my current husband so it seems to me like he would be shorted. Not sure what to do but I'm trying to work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are either of your children actually incapable of taking care of themselves? If one is actually not going to be able to be self sufficient, then of course, leave more for that child. If one is just more pleasant (and has some learning issues) and the other is less pleasant but no diagnosed issues, then NO, do not make it an uneven split.

+1 IMO, there are only two reasons for an uneven split -- one child can't care for themselves or one child spent substantially more time/money caring for the parent. DH's parents didn't have much of an estate but he asked them not to leave anything to him since his brother (who lives in the same town) has spent so much time helping them with their small business, life management, health issues, etc.

OP: Do be mindful of what this will do to your family dynamics. It looks like I'm going to be on the "short" end of an unequal split between my only sibling and me. Father passed away two years ago. Mother never wanted me to know the contents if her will until after her death, but I had to receive his will/sign a waiver during the probate process so my mother could get my father's estate settled. The contingent beneficiary section indicated how the estate would have been divided, if my mother had not been around. I won't go into great detail, but it's probably 75% sibling/25% me. I had never been estranged from my parents, and I provided a lot of support to them during the course of my father's illness. They had favored my sibling in a lot of ways that I had previously been able to excuse, but the finality of this cut me to the core. I still love my mother and don't covet her assets, which she worked for and has every right to. However, I expected things would be divided equally, if there were assets remaining. My mother gets upset when I raise the issue, and still won't discuss the specifics of her will, but I gather it is similar to that of my father. Much as I try, it's difficult to continue our relationship as before because these issues loom large. Holiday visits are tense, and my mother avoids seeing me at other times. My sibling and I have never been close, and this isn't helping.

Are you and sibling different genders? Wonder why this disparity?

Yes, different genders. "Favored" sib is not "mentally" deficient but has received money and property from parents over the years. Some of this was obvious, some was on the QT. Guess I'll just have to suck it up until one of us, my mother, sibling, or I dies, if I want to continue my relationship with my mother. Then the dynamic will probably change again. Sibling doesn't have the best character (abandoned children, drugs, etc), but a mother's love is unconditional and she chooses to make excuses for all sib's issues with these and others.

[Anonymous]

Uneven is never fair

[Anonymous]

50/50 doesn't equal fair. OP can do what she/he wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad has a child from his second marriage who is almost 20 years younger than me and my other sibling. My half-brother has some significant LDs, and although he is now married and self-supporting, he has a lot of trouble finding and holding jobs and is unlikely to ever achieve more than a modest income. (Of course, we could be wrong about that, but he is now in his 30s so odds are high). I make a very comfortable income and my other sibling does as well, and a few years ago our dad sat us down and said he and our stepmother are planning to distribute $ in their wills roughly 50% to our half-sib with learning issues and 25% each to my other sibling and me, on the grounds that a) our half-sib is younger and will have more "parentless" years than we did, since he was born to much older parents, and b) he is unlikely to every make as much money as we do, and c) we will inherit some money (presumably) from our mother, his ex wife.

I have sort of mixed feelings. On the one hand I totally get it and agree: I don't "need" the money and my half-sib, a sweet guy who really struggles with his issues, probably will need it. I also have never felt "entitled" to any inheritance. But on the other hand I have to admit it hurts a little. It's stupid and I try really hard to rise above it, but it does trigger some old jealousies and resentments. My other brother and I grew up pretty poor and lived with our mother after our parents got divorced, and though our dad was always very present in our lives, we did not live with him, whereas our half-sibling, born when we were adults, lived with our dad in a nuclear family and had a much more affluent childhood than we did. I do struggle not to feel hurt.

I guess overall I wish my dad would just divvy up whatever there is 1/3 to each of us, and trust that my brother and I will help our less-able half-sib as needed. We have both already helped him a lot financially: letting him stay with us for extended periods, giving him pretty large cash gifts to help out, and so on. We are both close to him and would always be there to help, just as our parents have been, if he ever needs it.

but at the end of the day: I love my dad and love our brother, so... nothing we can't get past.

Doofus you'll get ZERO. Dad will go first, wife will take all, and leave you two nothing.

Not necessarily. Many people who are in this situation establish a trust with a life estate for the surviving spouse, so she can't disinherit the older kids.

Honestly, my XH is too stupid to realize this. I think there are a lot of people out there who don’t realize the laws of succession without a will and, even if they intent to bequeath their accumulated assets to their children, don’t realize they have to take affirmative action for that to happen.

But such action wouldn’t show respect and trust for current wife. Doofus knows he can trust her “to do the right thing.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking about doing this as one child has a different father (my first husband) who will leave her part of his estate (I assume). He is in touch with her and pays for vacations, school, etc. My son will only inherit from me and my current husband so it seems to me like he would be shorted. Not sure what to do but I'm trying to work it out.

My parents, especially my Dad, has made it clear that he is disinheriting me. Luckily he told me but is now angry that I will not care for him and help him in any way. Why who'll I take care of him when he does nothing for me, spends lavishly on friends and will leave it all to my sibling whom he rarely sees but always the favorite.

We have this situation. We split the inheritance in two - 50% goes to all the kids (his) equally and 50% goes to mine. But, ours are minors, his are adults so all go to mine for care until they are adults first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking about doing this as one child has a different father (my first husband) who will leave her part of his estate (I assume). He is in touch with her and pays for vacations, school, etc. My son will only inherit from me and my current husband so it seems to me like he would be shorted. Not sure what to do but I'm trying to work it out.

I would NOT leave them different amounts unless you are 100% certain your first child will inherit and that it will be a lot. I mean: if your exH is a billionaire who has set up an irrevocable trust for your first child and your current husband is a pauper, then yes, it seems reasonable and easy to explain to both kids. But otherwise? forget it. You don't know and can't know how much, if anything, your first child will inherit from dad, and you don't know when she will inherit. (Maybe your exH will live to be 117!)

You need your children to know that you love them both. If you leave more to one than the other, it will hurt them forever.

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down with your spouse and kids and talk it through, so you know exactly how your family will feel about your whole estate. Please include burial wishes, or cremation as well as listing all financial assets and contact information for each account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to inherit more than my brother. My mom is leaving me two pieces of real estate outright, then splitting the rest of her estate 50/50 between me and my brother. The reason is how much more money she and my dad gave him during his life (until he was well into his 40’s) versus the nothing I was given. It’s to even everything out at the end. She’s already told my brother and he doesn’t seem to have an issue with it but I know it’s going to make me feel uncomfortable at the end, as I’m also the executor.

I kind of wish she’d just even it out now so I don’t have to deal with the disparity later. But I think it’s kind of her way of saying “f you” to my brother, as she’s still bitter about how much money she and my dad gave him over the years.[/quote]

Well they did not hav to give him money. Your mother sounds like a very bitter and mean person. She will be remember as such by your brother with her last act being a f you.

[Anonymous]

Fair is a subjective term. In this particular case, three ppl involved - OP, DC1, and DC2 - will undoubtedly have a different definition for "fair." OP should do whatever she thinks it's fair from her standpoint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking about doing this as one child has a different father (my first husband) who will leave her part of his estate (I assume). He is in touch with her and pays for vacations, school, etc. My son will only inherit from me and my current husband so it seems to me like he would be shorted. Not sure what to do but I'm trying to work it out.

I would NOT leave them different amounts unless you are 100% certain your first child will inherit and that it will be a lot. I mean: if your exH is a billionaire who has set up an irrevocable trust for your first child and your current husband is a pauper, then yes, it seems reasonable and easy to explain to both kids. But otherwise? forget it. You don't know and can't know how much, if anything, your first child will inherit from dad, and you don't know when she will inherit. (Maybe your exH will live to be 117!)

You need your children to know that you love them both. If you leave more to one than the other, it will hurt them forever.

+1. This is so true. Please don't count on your daughter getting an inheritance from anyone else.