Uneven allocation of estate between two adult children. Is my allocation fair?
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Anonymous
| I could see my in-laws doing this for my SIL. She has made a few poor marriage choices and has quit several college programs and never had a career. FIL has already bailed her out from bankruptcy once. They're going to end up giving her more money because they think she's incapable of supporting herself. She might be, but I wonder how much of this was self-fulfilling based on expectations. |
Anonymous
|
Nope.
I saw my mother's family tear apart before my eyes during several decades of an inheritance feud. To this day, my first cousin wants nothing to do with me because her father (who had been given the immense majority of the inheritance) lost the court battle and had to give his sisters (my mother and aunts) a small portion of what they should have initially received. My MIL also wants to divide up her assets unequally, with my husband as the principal beneficiary. I told her it wasn't a good idea, because I don't want to deal with the aftermath. She doesn't believe her dear sons would fight, but I know better (it's the SILs who are going to trigger the fight!). I too, have a child with learning disabilities. Inheritance will be split equally, and I know they will help each other out if things get difficult on either side, because neither will have been given a reason to resent the other. |
Anonymous
| My grandmother is dividing her estate unequally and I am really worried about the battle that is coming. One sibling is completely disinherited bc granny doesn't like that sibling is gay. It;s going to be awful. I don't know what to do as granny will not listen to reason and its not my place to take it to everyone as she confided in me. |
Anonymous
You tell your granny that she is going to wreck the relationship between the cousins and siblings; the family will fall apart. Tell your grandma that the price of family happiness, which she wants, is to give something to the gay grandson. Just give to everyone equally. Don't make favorite grandchild feel bad and have all the siblings/cousins hate her. |
Anonymous
Good point. -- OP |
Anonymous
Then shouldn't the 75/25 be in your favor? |
Anonymous
| Set up a trust. Have a trustee to give the kids according to their needs. You can put rules into place such as, the trust will pay for education, mortgage, medical costs. Not vacations, partying, hookers and blow. Better yet, tie some kind of string to make slacker kid help developmentally disabled kid manage their affairs. |
Anonymous
This is exactly right. |
Anonymous
+1. Agree with all of those who suggest that your suggested approach to distribution via estate allocation absent a serious developmental disability/special needs trust is a recipe for your kids feeling like you played favorites in ways that are cemented in stone and possibly creating tensions in their relationship. |
Anonymous
I don't think so. My brother needs to money more than I do. If he gets 75%, then he can live on his own for longer. An inheritance isn't a right. I'm grateful for the 25%. I'm not entitled to anything so in my eyes, 25% is awesome. |
Anonymous
I agree that an inheritance isn't a right, but the death of a parent often raises a lot of emotions and uneven distributions of assets is a known catalyst for family tensions. The way OP laid it out isn't the same as a sibling who will at some point not be able to live on his own, but rather one who has struggled a bit more and one who has slacked a bit more in OP's perception at this point in their lives. I think it would be a better approach to split evenly but then discuss concerns with the "slacker" kid about strategies for ensuring the financial well-being of "struggling" kid. Who knows--slacker may suggest an uneven allocation, or the establishment of an "emergency trust" that each could access according to their needs with a portion of the inheritance--or may just assure OP that he/she will help out. OP I think you need to do some more serious reflection on what you are intending to communicate/make happen with your estate and think of less fraught ways than just uneven distribution. |
Anonymous
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I think parents should feel free to enjoy their resources while they are alive, especially if their children are all launched. There comes a point when the children should not be looking to their parents for money.
That said, when there are assets or money to be inherited, doing anything other than equal bequests will be interpreted as caring more for one child than the others and does not bode well for the family's future dynamic after the parent's death. The only exception I agree with is when one child is a minor still being supported by the parents or a child unable to live on his own (not OP's situation). If the parent believes there are "special" circumstances, it is best not to try to keep it secret until you are gone. Ideally, your heirs will agree with your reasoning. Otherwise, it will be regarded as a final (& possibly unexpected) stick-in-the-eye to the less favored child/children. Even if you were never estranged during your lifetime, this will likely tarnish the way you are remembered. |
Anonymous
| This is YOUR money OP. You do what makes you feel right. What's "fair" is your state of mind, not your kids. |
Anonymous
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OP, does the kid with the learning disability need any kind of (non-financial) support from the sibling? Would you want them to be there for each other (assuming that's a feasible scenario based on their current relationship). If the answer is yes, then do 40/40 and put 20% into some sort of well crafted trust fund.
What if the non-LD sibling has kids with LD (if it runs in the family) who need special services from an early age? Would you want to have provisions for that? |
Anonymous
| If one child needs a Special Needs Trust, then sure it makes sense to put more into that trust. Otherwise, no. You never really know what life holds in store for either of your kids. |