Uneven allocation of estate between two adult children. Is my allocation fair?

[Anonymous]

As much as we like to think the money doesn't matter it does. My grandparents recently passed and made sure no one got anything. When my dh's grandparents passed they paid for college for all their grandchildren leaving them debt free with a good education. My fil is putting away money for all the grandkids in the sweetest way to make sure they can go to college. We will do everything we can for our grandkids when that time comes. The point is intergenerational wealth isn't about the favorite child or who is lazy. It is about trying to productively channel funds to help your children or grandchildren live a bit more comfortably than you did. Talk to your sons about this. Start now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is YOUR money OP. You do what makes you feel right. What's "fair" is your state of mind, not your kids.

Making decisions without considering the repercussions to your loved ones seems like an extremely selfish way to live.

[Anonymous]

Depends on LD of one child. Can that person ever live alone? Get a job? Or needs assisted housing? Finished college or not? But, the way you write is just so wrong. Oozing with hate for what you call the second adult child. How old are your children? 20, 30?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is YOUR money OP. You do what makes you feel right. What's "fair" is your state of mind, not your kids.

Making decisions without considering the repercussions to your loved ones seems like an extremely selfish way to live.

But that's life.

[Anonymous]

I would support the SN child more while you are alive, instead of doing this through your estate. I think calling one of your children a slacker in your will is a cruel thing to do, even if you don't use those words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is YOUR money OP. You do what makes you feel right. What's "fair" is your state of mind, not your kids.

No one doubts this. But OP came looking for feedback--most of us assume that he/she then actually cares about others' perspectives on the fairness approach, how the family will perceive/react to the decision, and the potential impact on future sibling relationships/legacy of OP. And most anyone with experience in these matters will tell you uneven allocation is more likely than not (though not always) going to result in family tensions and resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are either of your children actually incapable of taking care of themselves? If one is actually not going to be able to be self sufficient, then of course, leave more for that child. If one is just more pleasant (and has some learning issues) and the other is less pleasant but no diagnosed issues, then NO, do not make it an uneven split.

+1 IMO, there are only two reasons for an uneven split -- one child can't care for themselves or one child spent substantially more time/money caring for the parent. DH's parents didn't have much of an estate but he asked them not to leave anything to him since his brother (who lives in the same town) has spent so much time helping them with their small business, life management, health issues, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are either of your children actually incapable of taking care of themselves? If one is actually not going to be able to be self sufficient, then of course, leave more for that child. If one is just more pleasant (and has some learning issues) and the other is less pleasant but no diagnosed issues, then NO, do not make it an uneven split.

+1 IMO, there are only two reasons for an uneven split -- one child can't care for themselves or one child spent substantially more time/money caring for the parent. DH's parents didn't have much of an estate but he asked them not to leave anything to him since his brother (who lives in the same town) has spent so much time helping them with their small business, life management, health issues, etc.

OP: Do be mindful of what this will do to your family dynamics. It looks like I'm going to be on the "short" end of an unequal split between my only sibling and me. Father passed away two years ago. Mother never wanted me to know the contents if her will until after her death, but I had to receive his will/sign a waiver during the probate process so my mother could get my father's estate settled. The contingent beneficiary section indicated how the estate would have been divided, if my mother had not been around. I won't go into great detail, but it's probably 75% sibling/25% me. I had never been estranged from my parents, and I provided a lot of support to them during the course of my father's illness. They had favored my sibling in a lot of ways that I had previously been able to excuse, but the finality of this cut me to the core. I still love my mother and don't covet her assets, which she worked for and has every right to. However, I expected things would be divided equally, if there were assets remaining. My mother gets upset when I raise the issue, and still won't discuss the specifics of her will, but I gather it is similar to that of my father. Much as I try, it's difficult to continue our relationship as before because these issues loom large. Holiday visits are tense, and my mother avoids seeing me at other times. My sibling and I have never been close, and this isn't helping.

[Anonymous]

Oh, come on. This isn't preschool. Estates don't have to be equal. Me and my family are completely self sufficient. My brother is not, for mental health reasons. I don't need any money from my father's estate. Why would I care if it all goes to my brother? He needs it, I don't. I've discussed this with my father, and I'm fine with it. And beyond my opinion, this is my father's money to do what he wants to with. In my opinion, many of these posters need to grow up and realize that an inheritance is not guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, equality is a luxury. Life gets in the way.

One of our children has health issues that require extra support.

Of course, I would prefer equal shares. My other kids “understand.” Might they come to feel differently in the future? I don’t think so but I acknowledge the possibility.

Doing the best I can and know how. If you don’t have special needs in your family, don’t be too quick to judge.

[Anonymous]

My parents’ will is split 50-50, with one part coming to me outright, and the other half also coming to me as a trustee on behalf of my brother.

We are very lopsided wrt needs: my husband & I have no debt & ~7m in the bank; my brother & his family would be on the street but for my parents’ help with allowance and housing. No special needs, just profoundly bad judgement and bad control over his own finances.

I hate the arrangement, as it feels really patronizing, but at the same time, my parents have tried so hard to get him on a better path, but brother just can’t seem to do it, and bank mgt fees would wipe out a lot of his income stream. I agreed to the arrangement provided that my parents explained their intentions and motivations directly with my brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, come on. This isn't preschool. Estates don't have to be equal. Me and my family are completely self sufficient. My brother is not, for mental health reasons. I don't need any money from my father's estate. Why would I care if it all goes to my brother? He needs it, I don't. I've discussed this with my father, and I'm fine with it. And beyond my opinion, this is my father's money to do what he wants to with. In my opinion, many of these posters need to grow up and realize that an inheritance is not guaranteed.

This is the key part: parents, discuss this with your kids BEFORE you die, so there are no surprises!

[Anonymous]

OP, as others have said, there is a difference between leaving more (in a trust) to an adult child who is simply unable to earn a living versus leaving more to the child you consider "nicer" or "more hard-working."

If you have a child who, for health reasons or because of a severe LD, is unlikely to ever be fully self-supporting, then by all means set up a trust for that child AND EXPLAIN your thinking to the other child.

I can also imagine situations where you help one child more during your lifetime and therefore leave less to that child in your will. ("Because I gave Junior $300k to help him by a house in 2016, I am leaving roughly the same additional amount to Sis in my will.") Or, situations where a child made a major financial sacrifice to help a parent or other family member: "Sis quit her job and moved back to her hometown to help care for me, and to recognize that financial sacrifice I am leaving her an additional amount intended to compensate."

But otherwise? 50/50. Regardless, make sure you discuss this with your kids so there are no surprises, and tell them how much you love them both.

[Anonymous]

My dad has a child from his second marriage who is almost 20 years younger than me and my other sibling. My half-brother has some significant LDs, and although he is now married and self-supporting, he has a lot of trouble finding and holding jobs and is unlikely to ever achieve more than a modest income. (Of course, we could be wrong about that, but he is now in his 30s so odds are high). I make a very comfortable income and my other sibling does as well, and a few years ago our dad sat us down and said he and our stepmother are planning to distribute $ in their wills roughly 50% to our half-sib with learning issues and 25% each to my other sibling and me, on the grounds that a) our half-sib is younger and will have more "parentless" years than we did, since he was born to much older parents, and b) he is unlikely to every make as much money as we do, and c) we will inherit some money (presumably) from our mother, his ex wife.

I have sort of mixed feelings. On the one hand I totally get it and agree: I don't "need" the money and my half-sib, a sweet guy who really struggles with his issues, probably will need it. I also have never felt "entitled" to any inheritance. But on the other hand I have to admit it hurts a little. It's stupid and I try really hard to rise above it, but it does trigger some old jealousies and resentments. My other brother and I grew up pretty poor and lived with our mother after our parents got divorced, and though our dad was always very present in our lives, we did not live with him, whereas our half-sibling, born when we were adults, lived with our dad in a nuclear family and had a much more affluent childhood than we did. I do struggle not to feel hurt.

I guess overall I wish my dad would just divvy up whatever there is 1/3 to each of us, and trust that my brother and I will help our less-able half-sib as needed. We have both already helped him a lot financially: letting him stay with us for extended periods, giving him pretty large cash gifts to help out, and so on. We are both close to him and would always be there to help, just as our parents have been, if he ever needs it.

but at the end of the day: I love my dad and love our brother, so... nothing we can't get past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad has a child from his second marriage who is almost 20 years younger than me and my other sibling. My half-brother has some significant LDs, and although he is now married and self-supporting, he has a lot of trouble finding and holding jobs and is unlikely to ever achieve more than a modest income. (Of course, we could be wrong about that, but he is now in his 30s so odds are high). I make a very comfortable income and my other sibling does as well, and a few years ago our dad sat us down and said he and our stepmother are planning to distribute $ in their wills roughly 50% to our half-sib with learning issues and 25% each to my other sibling and me, on the grounds that a) our half-sib is younger and will have more "parentless" years than we did, since he was born to much older parents, and b) he is unlikely to every make as much money as we do, and c) we will inherit some money (presumably) from our mother, his ex wife.

I have sort of mixed feelings. On the one hand I totally get it and agree: I don't "need" the money and my half-sib, a sweet guy who really struggles with his issues, probably will need it. I also have never felt "entitled" to any inheritance. But on the other hand I have to admit it hurts a little. It's stupid and I try really hard to rise above it, but it does trigger some old jealousies and resentments. My other brother and I grew up pretty poor and lived with our mother after our parents got divorced, and though our dad was always very present in our lives, we did not live with him, whereas our half-sibling, born when we were adults, lived with our dad in a nuclear family and had a much more affluent childhood than we did. I do struggle not to feel hurt.

I guess overall I wish my dad would just divvy up whatever there is 1/3 to each of us, and trust that my brother and I will help our less-able half-sib as needed. We have both already helped him a lot financially: letting him stay with us for extended periods, giving him pretty large cash gifts to help out, and so on. We are both close to him and would always be there to help, just as our parents have been, if he ever needs it.

but at the end of the day: I love my dad and love our brother, so... nothing we can't get past.

Doofus you'll get ZERO. Dad will go first, wife will take all, and leave you two nothing.