How do you know a man will be violent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tangible signs:
Relationship moves quickly. He declares love before you really know each other well
He makes little negative comments about you, your appearance, job, friends and family
He acts jealous (you think, wow! he really likes me)
He is cruel to animals
He presses for commitment early
He gets you to account for your time away from him
He gets you talking about past relationships (this will be used against you at a later time)

If a guy is going to turn out to be a psycho, I guarantee you will see one of these signs in the first 4-6 months. No one (especially an abuser) can remain on their best behavior for longer than 6 months. If you take your time getting to know someone and enjoy a slow paced developing relationship, you should have an easier time extracting yourself if things turn bad.

For me the only one that was true is the one in bold. Which is also 1/2 of the marriage without abuse.

In the first 6 months to a year? I will admit to having made “little negative comments” about my husband’s job/Family now, after 10 years of marriage (and not frequently) but while we were dating? No. That would definitely be a red flag for me in the early stages of dating and with any regularity later on. My husband was unfriendly to my recent, long-term ex when we started dating, and I was concerned about that.

Except when we remove ourselves from our family of origin and connect with another human being we begin to see how things our family did might not be healthy. That is normal part of growing up and evolving from our family of origin.

My MIL actually fed my son until he threw up (Italian) because she shows love with food, guess what ... that is bad. If I say it, it's not alienating his family from him, it is a healthy way to realize things from your childhood were not perfect and changing for the good.

It's calling out every single little "sign" as a "sign" that confuses women of abuse.

"little negative comments" are normal. Refusing to let you spend Thanksgiving with your family because of "little negative things" is not normal.

I submit that a man who loves you will accept your family, flaws and all. In the 30 years I have known my husband, he has never said a bad word or negative little comment about any of my friends or family. When I have had difficulties with them or said horrible things about them, he's supported me and encouraged me to work it out. There are men in this world who possess integrity and it is not nosl for your partner to put you or your family down.

Sure but an encouraging word could be, "Don't let it get to you, you know your sister is a drama queen" or "your brother is an inconsiderate dolt" (when he shows up 5 minutes before your wedding ceremony). These are not abusive comments and categorizing them as so, washes out the real "signs" of abuse.... which is why nobody can see the real signs because they are all twerked up about little comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything they do is a sign, in hindsight. Actually every single one of you have a "sign" in your relationship, but it is not a sign until he actually hits you.

I had some "signs" so I went to a therapist and we did couples therapy.

I was told, it's not what he does, it's your reaction.
I needed to figure out his love language and blah blah blah.
I needed to put more effort into the marriage since the kids were sucking my energy away from him.
I needed to make sure I was not keeping score with the chores.
I needed to make sure our sex life was not stale, and all that BS.

I spent 3 years with a therapist and a marriage counselor; they were told ALL THE SIGNS but they never said, hey this is toxic, you need to leave. All the Dr. Phil BS was fed to me, marriage is hard, raising kids are harder, your H is stressed you need to be a light place for him to land, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The think is my H was way nicer and kinder and involved with the kids than all my friends H's who never hit them. But, if they ever do, I have about 300 signs that showed they would.

this poster is exactly right. I was in a relationship where my partner was doing things that were absolutely unacceptable. Because he hadn't hit me (yet), the therapists pulled all of these "therapitic techniques out. I finally left because I simply decided that our 2 kids and I would not live with the unacceptable behaviors. Everyone on this thread is focusing on tbe wrong thing -- how do you know he will hit you - when the real question is for what reason is it OK to walk away?

The answer to that last question is, frankly, it is always OK to walk away for any reason. Feel uncomfortable? Demeaned? Constricted? Criticized? Unloved in the way you want to be lived? Nit exclusive enough or too exclusive?

As women, we have to have permission to seek out relationships on our terms, and that is a far broader thing than simply "is he going to hit me?"

Thanks, Captain Obvious. The real issue is that most of these women lack either self-esteem or any amount of critical thinking.

No, actually that is not true. Women often do not lack self-esteem or critical thinking. Women are socialized to "let it go". When uncle Joe wants to hug your daughter and she doesn't want to we say "don't be rude hug Uncle Joe", when your daughter doesn't want to <fill in the blank>, she is always told she is being too sensitive, too weak, too crazy.

Even trained psychologist have been teaching women how to ignore the signs (his actions) and focus on lessening their reaction.

When women stand up against abuse they are called bossy and rude and psycho, and they go to counseling for that. But the world of psychology is starting to come around.

Before divorce had to have 1 of 3 elements... abuse, addiction or affairs.

Now to get a divorce you need a plan, a job and a support system.

This was not true in the past, marriage counselors would work to save the marriage unless it had one of the big 3 (and really 1 since counselors are still counseling to overcome addiction and affairs).

Verbal abuse has always been categorized as women being too sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything they do is a sign, in hindsight. Actually every single one of you have a "sign" in your relationship, but it is not a sign until he actually hits you.

I had some "signs" so I went to a therapist and we did couples therapy.

I was told, it's not what he does, it's your reaction.
I needed to figure out his love language and blah blah blah.
I needed to put more effort into the marriage since the kids were sucking my energy away from him.
I needed to make sure I was not keeping score with the chores.
I needed to make sure our sex life was not stale, and all that BS.

I spent 3 years with a therapist and a marriage counselor; they were told ALL THE SIGNS but they never said, hey this is toxic, you need to leave. All the Dr. Phil BS was fed to me, marriage is hard, raising kids are harder, your H is stressed you need to be a light place for him to land, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The think is my H was way nicer and kinder and involved with the kids than all my friends H's who never hit them. But, if they ever do, I have about 300 signs that showed they would.

this poster is exactly right. I was in a relationship where my partner was doing things that were absolutely unacceptable. Because he hadn't hit me (yet), the therapists pulled all of these "therapitic techniques out. I finally left because I simply decided that our 2 kids and I would not live with the unacceptable behaviors. Everyone on this thread is focusing on tbe wrong thing -- how do you know he will hit you - when the real question is for what reason is it OK to walk away?

The answer to that last question is, frankly, it is always OK to walk away for any reason. Feel uncomfortable? Demeaned? Constricted? Criticized? Unloved in the way you want to be lived? Nit exclusive enough or too exclusive?

As women, we have to have permission to seek out relationships on our terms, and that is a far broader thing than simply "is he going to hit me?"

Thanks, Captain Obvious. The real issue is that most of these women lack either self-esteem or any amount of critical thinking.

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.

And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Tangible signs:
Relationship moves quickly. He declares love before you really know each other well
He makes little negative comments about you, your appearance, job, friends and family
He acts jealous (you think, wow! he really likes me)
He is cruel to animals
He presses for commitment early

Moving quickly isn't a great thing, but it's relatively normal. Furthermore, you didn't define commitment. If a couple has sex pretty early on, it's pretty understandable, expected even, for commitment to exclusivity. I've dealt with bunny boilers who wanted to move scarily quickly. (Is scarily a word?)

Commitment in the sense that all your free time is dedicated to him, leaving no time for yourself, your family or your friends. It speeds up the sense of "knowing" each other because you've spent so much time together -even though it's only been two months.
"Scarily" works.

Uh, a person in the most committed couple doesn’t have all her “free time is dedicated to him, leaving no time for yourself, your family or your friends.” Use a different word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything they do is a sign, in hindsight. Actually every single one of you have a "sign" in your relationship, but it is not a sign until he actually hits you.

I had some "signs" so I went to a therapist and we did couples therapy.

I was told, it's not what he does, it's your reaction.
I needed to figure out his love language and blah blah blah.
I needed to put more effort into the marriage since the kids were sucking my energy away from him.
I needed to make sure I was not keeping score with the chores.
I needed to make sure our sex life was not stale, and all that BS.

I spent 3 years with a therapist and a marriage counselor; they were told ALL THE SIGNS but they never said, hey this is toxic, you need to leave. All the Dr. Phil BS was fed to me, marriage is hard, raising kids are harder, your H is stressed you need to be a light place for him to land, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The think is my H was way nicer and kinder and involved with the kids than all my friends H's who never hit them. But, if they ever do, I have about 300 signs that showed they would.

this poster is exactly right. I was in a relationship where my partner was doing things that were absolutely unacceptable. Because he hadn't hit me (yet), the therapists pulled all of these "therapitic techniques out. I finally left because I simply decided that our 2 kids and I would not live with the unacceptable behaviors. Everyone on this thread is focusing on tbe wrong thing -- how do you know he will hit you - when the real question is for what reason is it OK to walk away?

The answer to that last question is, frankly, it is always OK to walk away for any reason. Feel uncomfortable? Demeaned? Constricted? Criticized? Unloved in the way you want to be lived? Nit exclusive enough or too exclusive?

As women, we have to have permission to seek out relationships on our terms, and that is a far broader thing than simply "is he going to hit me?"

Thanks, Captain Obvious. The real issue is that most of these women lack either self-esteem or any amount of critical thinking.

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.

And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.

Once again you are missing the point. All the "signs" exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive.

The answer is, it's very hard because the signs are also things that happen in normal relationships and only 20/20 in hindsight.

Also, many women stay to protect their children from abuse because the best abusers don't leave behind "evidence" for court and courts are still run by men, who are abusers, and don't recognize the "signs".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything they do is a sign, in hindsight. Actually every single one of you have a "sign" in your relationship, but it is not a sign until he actually hits you.

I had some "signs" so I went to a therapist and we did couples therapy.

I was told, it's not what he does, it's your reaction.
I needed to figure out his love language and blah blah blah.
I needed to put more effort into the marriage since the kids were sucking my energy away from him.
I needed to make sure I was not keeping score with the chores.
I needed to make sure our sex life was not stale, and all that BS.

I spent 3 years with a therapist and a marriage counselor; they were told ALL THE SIGNS but they never said, hey this is toxic, you need to leave. All the Dr. Phil BS was fed to me, marriage is hard, raising kids are harder, your H is stressed you need to be a light place for him to land, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The think is my H was way nicer and kinder and involved with the kids than all my friends H's who never hit them. But, if they ever do, I have about 300 signs that showed they would.

this poster is exactly right. I was in a relationship where my partner was doing things that were absolutely unacceptable. Because he hadn't hit me (yet), the therapists pulled all of these "therapitic techniques out. I finally left because I simply decided that our 2 kids and I would not live with the unacceptable behaviors. Everyone on this thread is focusing on tbe wrong thing -- how do you know he will hit you - when the real question is for what reason is it OK to walk away?

The answer to that last question is, frankly, it is always OK to walk away for any reason. Feel uncomfortable? Demeaned? Constricted? Criticized? Unloved in the way you want to be lived? Nit exclusive enough or too exclusive?

As women, we have to have permission to seek out relationships on our terms, and that is a far broader thing than simply "is he going to hit me?"

Thanks, Captain Obvious. The real issue is that most of these women lack either self-esteem or any amount of critical thinking.

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.

And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.

Once again you are missing the point. All the "signs" exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive.

The answer is, it's very hard because the signs are also things that happen in normal relationships and only 20/20 in hindsight.

Also, many women stay to protect their children from abuse because the best abusers don't leave behind "evidence" for court and courts are still run by men, who are abusers, and don't recognize the "signs".

There are tons of women judges and most of the time women win everything when it goes to court

[Anonymous]

I don't know how you know outside of the obvious signs. I had a boyfriend shove me once, and up until that time he was the most amiable guy.

It was our first serious argument, and things quickly became highly charged. We were both extremely emotionally immature but I don't handle emotional immaturity by lashing out physically. BF wasn't controlling in any way- he was a little child, sweet as could be, but lashed out like a child.

I do agree that there are some people who just have it in them and a gut might tell you that- I went on a date with a guy who had a distinctly predatory vibe- I sensed it, but ignored the obvious signs (rushing me through dinner, a lack of interest in conversation, possessive mannerisms, etc.). I made the mistake of letting him into my apartment, where he became sexually aggressive and I'm fortunate I wasn't raped.
That experience wasn't my fault, of course, but it was one where I chose to dismiss my discomfort with someone rather than listening to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Tangible signs:
Relationship moves quickly. He declares love before you really know each other well
He makes little negative comments about you, your appearance, job, friends and family
He acts jealous (you think, wow! he really likes me)
He is cruel to animals
He presses for commitment early

Moving quickly isn't a great thing, but it's relatively normal. Furthermore, you didn't define commitment. If a couple has sex pretty early on, it's pretty understandable, expected even, for commitment to exclusivity. I've dealt with bunny boilers who wanted to move scarily quickly. (Is scarily a word?)

Commitment in the sense that all your free time is dedicated to him, leaving no time for yourself, your family or your friends. It speeds up the sense of "knowing" each other because you've spent so much time together -even though it's only been two months.
"Scarily" works.

Uh, a person in the most committed couple doesn’t have all her “free time is dedicated to him, leaving no time for yourself, your family or your friends.” Use a different word.

Ok, dear editor, I'll use a new word "obligation". He gets the commitment he wants and then you feel obligated to spend every free moment with him. In my example, I was talking about a dating scenario, no mutual kids. A time of life when you do have free time. People in healthy committed relationships understand that their partners need alone time and also time away to nuture their familial and friend relationships.

[Anonymous]

This is DCUM. Anything that causes irritation to a woman is abuse. Or mental illness. Or both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything they do is a sign, in hindsight. Actually every single one of you have a "sign" in your relationship, but it is not a sign until he actually hits you.

I had some "signs" so I went to a therapist and we did couples therapy.

I was told, it's not what he does, it's your reaction.
I needed to figure out his love language and blah blah blah.
I needed to put more effort into the marriage since the kids were sucking my energy away from him.
I needed to make sure I was not keeping score with the chores.
I needed to make sure our sex life was not stale, and all that BS.

I spent 3 years with a therapist and a marriage counselor; they were told ALL THE SIGNS but they never said, hey this is toxic, you need to leave. All the Dr. Phil BS was fed to me, marriage is hard, raising kids are harder, your H is stressed you need to be a light place for him to land, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The think is my H was way nicer and kinder and involved with the kids than all my friends H's who never hit them. But, if they ever do, I have about 300 signs that showed they would.

this poster is exactly right. I was in a relationship where my partner was doing things that were absolutely unacceptable. Because he hadn't hit me (yet), the therapists pulled all of these "therapitic techniques out. I finally left because I simply decided that our 2 kids and I would not live with the unacceptable behaviors. Everyone on this thread is focusing on tbe wrong thing -- how do you know he will hit you - when the real question is for what reason is it OK to walk away?

The answer to that last question is, frankly, it is always OK to walk away for any reason. Feel uncomfortable? Demeaned? Constricted? Criticized? Unloved in the way you want to be lived? Nit exclusive enough or too exclusive?

As women, we have to have permission to seek out relationships on our terms, and that is a far broader thing than simply "is he going to hit me?"

Thanks, Captain Obvious. The real issue is that most of these women lack either self-esteem or any amount of critical thinking.

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.

And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.

Once again you are missing the point. All the "signs" exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive.

The answer is, it's very hard because the signs are also things that happen in normal relationships and only 20/20 in hindsight.

Also, many women stay to protect their children from abuse because the best abusers don't leave behind "evidence" for court and courts are still run by men, who are abusers, and don't recognize the "signs".

There are tons of women judges and most of the time women win everything when it goes to court

No there are not. No they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is DCUM. Anything that causes irritation to a woman is abuse. Or mental illness. Or both.

The op asked about signs that a partner would become violent, which is abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is DCUM. Anything that causes irritation to a woman is abuse. Or mental illness. Or both.

The op asked about signs that a partner would become violent, which is abuse.

agreed, but over the thread the signs quickly grew to encompass almost any negative or critical behavior whether violent or not, even those that occur in many non-violent relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I hear about these stories where wives or girlfriends are killed or hurt by their husbands/boyfriends I always wonder how do they end up in these situations?

Do the men just snap? Or is there a pattern or signs one should be aware of?

One of the things that was common to all 3 cases, Scott Peterson who killed his pregnant wife, Drew Peterson who killed a couple of wives and this latest case in Denver is that all 3 men were cheaters. So don’t date men who cheat. Scott Peterson’s mistress at the time of his wife’s murder had no idea that he was married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

Why did you say FU? What you first wrote contradicts your subsequent paragraphs.

NP. FU = Follow Up.

My FU did not mean follow up. It meant FU for blaming the victim. It took 4 YEARS before my BF threatened to beat me the first time. I had no way of knowing he would do that and no way to differentiate his loving behavior from those of other boyfriends who didn’t end up beating me. My friends nor his knew about the abuse nor predicted so why should I have?

Those of you who would like to believe there are signs, want to believe so because then you can tell yourself that you would never be in an abusive relationship because you would Be smart enough to see the signs and those of us who were abused were simply stupid or had low self-esteem. You are delusional. This can happen to any woman. I’m so glad I had no kids and a large enough nest egg that I could hire a lawyer and force the sale or refinancing of our jointly owned home, that I could afford to walk away from the $30k I put down and that I had friends and family who provided shelter for me while I worked out moving out.

There but for the grace of god you could go......

Why was there even a second time? I'm not condoning victim blaming, but you yourself said he threatened you more than once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

Why did you say FU? What you first wrote contradicts your subsequent paragraphs.

NP. FU = Follow Up.

My FU did not mean follow up. It meant FU for blaming the victim. It took 4 YEARS before my BF threatened to beat me the first time. I had no way of knowing he would do that and no way to differentiate his loving behavior from those of other boyfriends who didn’t end up beating me. My friends nor his knew about the abuse nor predicted so why should I have?

Those of you who would like to believe there are signs, want to believe so because then you can tell yourself that you would never be in an abusive relationship because you would Be smart enough to see the signs and those of us who were abused were simply stupid or had low self-esteem. You are delusional. This can happen to any woman. I’m so glad I had no kids and a large enough nest egg that I could hire a lawyer and force the sale or refinancing of our jointly owned home, that I could afford to walk away from the $30k I put down and that I had friends and family who provided shelter for me while I worked out moving out.

There but for the grace of god you could go......

Why was there even a second time? I'm not condoning victim blaming, but you yourself said he threatened you more than once.

DP. Oh my word, you are clueless about abusive relationships. She was FOUR YEARS into the relationship the first time he threatened her. It’s not so easy to undo all the emotional ties and get out instantly when you’ve been together for a long time. Go to thehotline.org, the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and read about abusive and healthy relationships there.