How do you know a man will be violent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

The bolded is the gist of how it happens. Often, abusers push for commitment quickly. It seems like a whirlwind. Over a period of months, they test you with insults and physical aggression to find out what you will take. Over time, the victim of this abuse starts wearing down, cuts off family and friends and the abuser is in full control. The only variable is how often and how severely he beats you. Verbal, financial and emotional abuse are also in play.

So, contrary to what the first PP said, there actually ARE signs - lots of signs but the 'victim' chooses to ignore/overlook them.

It's not that the victim ignores them. Predators choose their victims. They look for vulnerabilities and then exploit them. It starts out so subtly and fom many angles that, by the time the violence starts, the victim is in so deep it is extremely difficult to get out.

But it doesn't mean there aren't signs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are certain signs in the beginning that a man has a potential for violence in a relationship.

Has he been violent w/any of his past relationships?
Does he try to control you early on in the relationship?
Control meaning telling you what to wear, when you can or cannot see your friends + family, & telling you how to behave in public or around certain people?

Does he demonstrate anger issues?
I.e., breaking your personal possessions, flying off the handle over seemingly nothing and/or being mean to other people.

Also - does he ever take accountability for any of his actions??
Or does he tend to blame everyone else for why he is unhappy w/his life.
Is nothing his fault? Meaning he sees himself as always superior and blameless??

I dated a guy like this, almost to a tee. Plus he loved his guns. When I have violent dreams, it is him who is in them. I once got home in VA and his exact truck was parked in front of my house. Even though he loved half a country away, I was scared to death that it was him.

He never raised a finger to me, but his anger was irrational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't really know. Some you see the anger, some don't show anger. They are the ones of nightmares.

Today my sister called me up hysterical. Her husband of 13 years left her. Just packed his stuff and left. He told her she was boring, he was unhappy, wanted to live his life without her. He told her not to bother trying to fix anything, he was not staying. He left her with the bills and said bye. Oh and a parting shot to really drive that stake into her heart, he said he married her because he felt sorry for her. That lowdown piece of s.

Out of the blue, no warning, nothing. And she is devastated to the bone. He never hit her, never raised his voice. Just f u and bye. I don't think she will recover from this and I don't know what to do except offer her my house to live in. Thank God no kids. She has no idea but he has another woman already. I didn't have the heart to tell her. She might harm herself. No man just leaves unless he has a side piece and a roof over his head. That's how he met her. He left his first wife and kids, moved out of state. Same thing is happening now. She's so broken right now she hasn't put it together yet but she will.

All I could think was at least she's alive. Not like that poor pregnant girl and her kids.

I swear evil walks this Earth. And it doesn't always show it's true self.

There’s no way these it didn’t show itself over 13 years; maybe it just wasn’t directed at her, but it showed itself. He left his first wife and kids and moved out of state. I’m sorry for your sister but your perception that this is out of the blue won’t hrlp her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

The bolded is the gist of how it happens. Often, abusers push for commitment quickly. It seems like a whirlwind. Over a period of months, they test you with insults and physical aggression to find out what you will take. Over time, the victim of this abuse starts wearing down, cuts off family and friends and the abuser is in full control. The only variable is how often and how severely he beats you. Verbal, financial and emotional abuse are also in play.

So, contrary to what the first PP said, there actually ARE signs - lots of signs but the 'victim' chooses to ignore/overlook them.

It's not that the victim ignores them. Predators choose their victims. They look for vulnerabilities and then exploit them. It starts out so subtly and fom many angles that, by the time the violence starts, the victim is in so deep it is extremely difficult to get out.

But it doesn't mean there aren't signs!

There may be a sign here and there, but it’s easier to see them and understand what they really were about in hindsight. Their ‘off’ behavior can be excused by thinking he’s had a bad day, he’s not feeling well, it really was my fault and so on.....things normal people will think because trusting people will give someone they know the benefit of the doubt and give another chance. Abusers often are on their best behavior during the courtship and will not show the depths of their true colors until after the committment is made.

We shouldn’t be bashing the victim. Maybe it makes you feel better to say she should have seen it coming, but that takes the focus off where it should be — that the abusive partner should not be abusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't really know. Some you see the anger, some don't show anger. They are the ones of nightmares.

Today my sister called me up hysterical. Her husband of 13 years left her. Just packed his stuff and left. He told her she was boring, he was unhappy, wanted to live his life without her. He told her not to bother trying to fix anything, he was not staying. He left her with the bills and said bye. Oh and a parting shot to really drive that stake into her heart, he said he married her because he felt sorry for her. That lowdown piece of s.

Out of the blue, no warning, nothing. And she is devastated to the bone. He never hit her, never raised his voice. Just f u and bye. I don't think she will recover from this and I don't know what to do except offer her my house to live in. Thank God no kids. She has no idea but he has another woman already. I didn't have the heart to tell her. She might harm herself. No man just leaves unless he has a side piece and a roof over his head. That's how he met her. He left his first wife and kids, moved out of state. Same thing is happening now. She's so broken right now she hasn't put it together yet but she will.

All I could think was at least she's alive. Not like that poor pregnant girl and her kids.

I swear evil walks this Earth. And it doesn't always show it's true self.

There’s no way these it didn’t show itself over 13 years; maybe it just wasn’t directed at her, but it showed itself. He left his first wife and kids and moved out of state. I’m sorry for your sister but your perception that this is out of the blue won’t hrlp her.

I feel so badly for your sister, and she may not have seen signs that this was coming for her, but it’s not completely random. As you pointed out he has done this before! She knows he’s capable of up and leaving a whole family because it suited him. She can be devastated, and I’m sure she is, but not really shocked. He showed his hand from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

The bolded is the gist of how it happens. Often, abusers push for commitment quickly. It seems like a whirlwind. Over a period of months, they test you with insults and physical aggression to find out what you will take. Over time, the victim of this abuse starts wearing down, cuts off family and friends and the abuser is in full control. The only variable is how often and how severely he beats you. Verbal, financial and emotional abuse are also in play.

So, contrary to what the first PP said, there actually ARE signs - lots of signs but the 'victim' chooses to ignore/overlook them.

It's not that the victim ignores them. Predators choose their victims. They look for vulnerabilities and then exploit them. It starts out so subtly and fom many angles that, by the time the violence starts, the victim is in so deep it is extremely difficult to get out.

But it doesn't mean there aren't signs!

There may be a sign here and there, but it’s easier to see them and understand what they really were about in hindsight. Their ‘off’ behavior can be excused by thinking he’s had a bad day, he’s not feeling well, it really was my fault and so on.....things normal people will think because trusting people will give someone they know the benefit of the doubt and give another chance. Abusers often are on their best behavior during the courtship and will not show the depths of their true colors until after the committment is made.

We shouldn’t be bashing the victim. Maybe it makes you feel better to say she should have seen it coming, but that takes the focus off where it should be — that the abusive partner should not be abusing.

Maybe you missed the point of the entire post. OP asked how you could tell if a man will be violent. The answer is that there are usually signs in their behavior that most women rationalize away or just straight up ignore. We're not debating the morality of the abuser here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

Why did you say FU? What you first wrote contradicts your subsequent paragraphs.

NP. FU = Follow Up.

My FU did not mean follow up. It meant FU for blaming the victim. It took 4 YEARS before my BF threatened to beat me the first time. I had no way of knowing he would do that and no way to differentiate his loving behavior from those of other boyfriends who didn’t end up beating me. My friends nor his knew about the abuse nor predicted so why should I have?

Those of you who would like to believe there are signs, want to believe so because then you can tell yourself that you would never be in an abusive relationship because you would Be smart enough to see the signs and those of us who were abused were simply stupid or had low self-esteem. You are delusional. This can happen to any woman. I’m so glad I had no kids and a large enough nest egg that I could hire a lawyer and force the sale or refinancing of our jointly owned home, that I could afford to walk away from the $30k I put down and that I had friends and family who provided shelter for me while I worked out moving out.

There but for the grace of god you could go......

I don't think the OP was blaming the victim. She was asking what to look out for. And clearly, there are things to look out for. He threatened, he raised a hand to you. Yeah, those are signs. It doesn't mean you aren't still a victim. It just means we can be on the lookout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

Why did you say FU? What you first wrote contradicts your subsequent paragraphs.

NP. FU = Follow Up.

My FU did not mean follow up. It meant FU for blaming the victim. It took 4 YEARS before my BF threatened to beat me the first time. I had no way of knowing he would do that and no way to differentiate his loving behavior from those of other boyfriends who didn’t end up beating me. My friends nor his knew about the abuse nor predicted so why should I have?

Those of you who would like to believe there are signs, want to believe so because then you can tell yourself that you would never be in an abusive relationship because you would Be smart enough to see the signs and those of us who were abused were simply stupid or had low self-esteem. You are delusional. This can happen to any woman. I’m so glad I had no kids and a large enough nest egg that I could hire a lawyer and force the sale or refinancing of our jointly owned home, that I could afford to walk away from the $30k I put down and that I had friends and family who provided shelter for me while I worked out moving out.

There but for the grace of god you could go......

I don't think the OP was blaming the victim. She was asking what to look out for. And clearly, there are things to look out for. He threatened, he raised a hand to you. Yeah, those are signs. It doesn't mean you aren't still a victim. It just means we can be on the lookout.

+1 I completely agree. I believe the point is to be aware and vigilant early so you can decrease your chances of ended up in a tragic situation, not ragging on the women who have endured abusive relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't really know. Some you see the anger, some don't show anger. They are the ones of nightmares.

Today my sister called me up hysterical. Her husband of 13 years left her. Just packed his stuff and left. He told her she was boring, he was unhappy, wanted to live his life without her. He told her not to bother trying to fix anything, he was not staying. He left her with the bills and said bye. Oh and a parting shot to really drive that stake into her heart, he said he married her because he felt sorry for her. That lowdown piece of s.

Out of the blue, no warning, nothing. And she is devastated to the bone. He never hit her, never raised his voice. Just f u and bye. I don't think she will recover from this and I don't know what to do except offer her my house to live in. Thank God no kids. She has no idea but he has another woman already. I didn't have the heart to tell her. She might harm herself. No man just leaves unless he has a side piece and a roof over his head. That's how he met her. He left his first wife and kids, moved out of state. Same thing is happening now. She's so broken right now she hasn't put it together yet but she will.

All I could think was at least she's alive. Not like that poor pregnant girl and her kids.

I swear evil walks this Earth. And it doesn't always show it's true self.

Being an asshole and leaving his wife isn't evil. This is not even relevant to the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

The bolded is the gist of how it happens. Often, abusers push for commitment quickly. It seems like a whirlwind. Over a period of months, they test you with insults and physical aggression to find out what you will take. Over time, the victim of this abuse starts wearing down, cuts off family and friends and the abuser is in full control. The only variable is how often and how severely he beats you. Verbal, financial and emotional abuse are also in play.

So, contrary to what the first PP said, there actually ARE signs - lots of signs but the 'victim' chooses to ignore/overlook them.

It's not that the victim ignores them. Predators choose their victims. They look for vulnerabilities and then exploit them. It starts out so subtly and fom many angles that, by the time the violence starts, the victim is in so deep it is extremely difficult to get out.

But it doesn't mean there aren't signs!

There may be a sign here and there, but it’s easier to see them and understand what they really were about in hindsight. Their ‘off’ behavior can be excused by thinking he’s had a bad day, he’s not feeling well, it really was my fault and so on.....things normal people will think because trusting people will give someone they know the benefit of the doubt and give another chance. Abusers often are on their best behavior during the courtship and will not show the depths of their true colors until after the committment is made.

We shouldn’t be bashing the victim. Maybe it makes you feel better to say she should have seen it coming, but that takes the focus off where it should be — that the abusive partner should not be abusing.

NP here and the immediate PP has it exactly right. I was in an abusive relationship, and didn’t see it until I left. Now I’m dating an absolutely wonderful person, and I can see exactly what is different and healthy about this relationship vs the abusive one from years ago. The feelings are also completely different - and what he says to me are different and how he says them. But I wouldn’t have been able to see it had I not experienced the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Everything they do is a sign, in hindsight. Actually every single one of you have a "sign" in your relationship, but it is not a sign until he actually hits you.

I had some "signs" so I went to a therapist and we did couples therapy.

I was told, it's not what he does, it's your reaction.
I needed to figure out his love language and blah blah blah.
I needed to put more effort into the marriage since the kids were sucking my energy away from him.
I needed to make sure I was not keeping score with the chores.
I needed to make sure our sex life was not stale, and all that BS.

I spent 3 years with a therapist and a marriage counselor; they were told ALL THE SIGNS but they never said, hey this is toxic, you need to leave. All the Dr. Phil BS was fed to me, marriage is hard, raising kids are harder, your H is stressed you need to be a light place for him to land, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The think is my H was way nicer and kinder and involved with the kids than all my friends H's who never hit them. But, if they ever do, I have about 300 signs that showed they would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

Exactly. Those are the signs that warn of a potentially violent abuser.

[Anonymous]

Tangible signs:
Relationship moves quickly. He declares love before you really know each other well
He makes little negative comments about you, your appearance, job, friends and family
He acts jealous (you think, wow! he really likes me)
He is cruel to animals
He presses for commitment early
He gets you to account for your time away from him
He gets you talking about past relationships (this will be used against you at a later time)

If a guy is going to turn out to be a psycho, I guarantee you will see one of these signs in the first 4-6 months. No one (especially an abuser) can remain on their best behavior for longer than 6 months. If you take your time getting to know someone and enjoy a slow paced developing relationship, you should have an easier time extracting yourself if things turn bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tangible signs:
Relationship moves quickly. He declares love before you really know each other well
He makes little negative comments about you, your appearance, job, friends and family
He acts jealous (you think, wow! he really likes me)
He is cruel to animals
He presses for commitment early
He gets you to account for your time away from him
He gets you talking about past relationships (this will be used against you at a later time)

If a guy is going to turn out to be a psycho, I guarantee you will see one of these signs in the first 4-6 months. No one (especially an abuser) can remain on their best behavior for longer than 6 months. If you take your time getting to know someone and enjoy a slow paced developing relationship, you should have an easier time extracting yourself if things turn bad.

For me the only one that was true is the one in bold. Which is also 1/2 of the marriage without abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tangible signs:
Relationship moves quickly. He declares love before you really know each other well
He makes little negative comments about you, your appearance, job, friends and family
He acts jealous (you think, wow! he really likes me)
He is cruel to animals
He presses for commitment early
He gets you to account for your time away from him
He gets you talking about past relationships (this will be used against you at a later time)

If a guy is going to turn out to be a psycho, I guarantee you will see one of these signs in the first 4-6 months. No one (especially an abuser) can remain on their best behavior for longer than 6 months. If you take your time getting to know someone and enjoy a slow paced developing relationship, you should have an easier time extracting yourself if things turn bad.

For me the only one that was true is the one in bold. Which is also 1/2 of the marriage without abuse.

Undermining your self esteem and alienating you from friends and family is abuse.