How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?

[Anonymous]

They need her to be in daycare during the day. My parents helped me out with my kids (4 and 1) during a 4 day trip my husband had. 2 days they were in daycare and my parents onl ycame 5-10pm. They showed up at 9am in the weekend days. They didn’t even do any overnight duties.
They are 65 and in good health. My kids see them 1-2x a week and are very comfortable with them.
My parents were exhausted and kept saying “I don’t know how you do it”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable for you not to want them looking after her and taking her out of state. But tbh I wouldn’t have planned a trip wo my kid in these circumstances.

This
I don't think you sound anxious.
I would never have planned a trip like this. Is it a wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. Much less someone I didn't trust. This trip will be a disaster, OP. Don't do it.

I agree

[Anonymous]

I would take the baby with me. I took my 11 mo old to a family wedding last fall and I got a nanny who watched him 3 nights while I was at events. It cost me an arm and a leg, but not as much as a week of care at home.

[Anonymous]

Take the baby to the wedding, why wouldn't you?
Hire someone there to babysit. Surely your sister knows a sitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable for you not to want them looking after her and taking her out of state. But tbh I wouldn’t have planned a trip wo my kid in these circumstances.

This
I don't think you sound anxious.
I would never have planned a trip like this. Is it a wedding?

Yes. It is my sisters wedding in Europe. I do not want to go. But I feel like I need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable for you not to want them looking after her and taking her out of state. But tbh I wouldn’t have planned a trip wo my kid in these circumstances.

This
I don't think you sound anxious.
I would never have planned a trip like this. Is it a wedding?

+1.

[Anonymous]

NP. Haven't read all the replies, but I think you should tell your in-laws that it's a great opportunity for them to spend a lot of time with DD and get to know her, but that she will be staying in daycare for sure and ideally sleeping in your house (i.e. her usual bed). Say that you asked them first because you thought they'd jump at the opportunity, but if it doesn't work for them then you completely understand and it's no big problem at all for you to get a sitter to stay with her.

But honestly I think your DH was crazy to ask them. When parents aren't away, kids need someone who will adhere religiously to their usual schedule, not walk all over it. I can imagine some frantic phone calls...

Personally I'd probably just say that it clearly doesn't work well for them to fit in with her schedule and that you're arranging alternative care for her.

[Anonymous]

^ aren't/are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're complicating this needlessly. Bring the baby to the wedding - get a local sitter, or have your DH watch her for the ceremony. (If they're having a stupid no-kids wedding, just say "oops, the local babysitter fell through, DH stayed back at the hotel, so sorry!"). OR, have your DH stay home with the baby while you go alone. (Again, tell your sister, "Oops, childcare fell through!" if she bitches about DH missing it.)

I would NOT let distant, 70+ grandparents who I didn't trust, and who refused to listen to me, take my 13 month old to their SECOND HOME away from all sources of back-up care (daycare, local sitters, those other local relatives.)

I guess a third option would be to radically shorten the wedding trip to 24 hours (even if it means you're ridiculously tired).

I think in your anxiety you are overthinking this. Focus on the end goal: baby is NOT staying with ILs. And just make that happen.

Why cant you take your baby with you and hire sitters for the wedding event(s)? It seems you really want a vacation with your husband away from your baby (which is fine!) but then you’ve got to line up the appropriate care. Your in-laws are not reliable care for your child based on your experience with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable for you not to want them looking after her and taking her out of state. But tbh I wouldn’t have planned a trip wo my kid in these circumstances.

This
I don't think you sound anxious.
I would never have planned a trip like this. Is it a wedding?

Yes. It is my sisters wedding in Europe. I do not want to go. But I feel like I need to.

So, you go and your husband stays. Why is him attending your sister's wedding more important than taking care of your child?

[Anonymous]

I would not leave baby and allow ILs to take out of state. mIl’s rxn speaks volumes.
I would take baby and if you were willing to find care while you’re gone for 4 days, maybe you can take someone with you?
Or do you know anyone at the destination who can recommend a sitter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable for you not to want them looking after her and taking her out of state. But tbh I wouldn’t have planned a trip wo my kid in these circumstances.

This
I don't think you sound anxious.
I would never have planned a trip like this. Is it a wedding?

Yes. It is my sisters wedding in Europe. I do not want to go. But I feel like I need to.

So, you go and your husband stays. Why is him attending your sister's wedding more important than taking care of your child?

This is actually a good point. It makes more sense for her husband to stay home. Many people would decline an invitation like that entirely (even from a sibling) when they have a young child. It's totally reasonable for only one of you to go - good compromise.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you bring the baby and hire a local nanny?

[Anonymous]

NP here. Your husband stays home or your baby comes with. I understand the desire to have time away with him but given your choice now--piss off the in-laws, or (far worse) leave your baby with people you don't trust--this is not the getaway trip to take. I do not think you're being unreasonable.