How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound reasonable. I wouldn’t negotiate and just tell them it won’t work for you. Find someone else. You aren’t going to relax with them watching her.

Of course she won't. Because she's an anxious person!! She's not going to relax no matter who takes care of the baby.

I have had others care for her and have relaxed. I leave her in daycare everyday! She's been with my mother, a doula, and sitters. It is specifically the length of time and the caretakers that worry me. And goodness - yes I AM an anxious person! I'm not trying to say that I'm not. But anxiety doesn't make everything you think automatically unreasonable. I work hard to try and sort out what is anxiety and what is valid parental concern.

I just feel that this trip would be better for everyone if DD was in daycare during the week. I would love to cancel, but my sister is getting married. DH wants to come on the international trip and he is part of the family. I think our marriage will benefit from the alone time.

Be realistic: DH needs to stay home. You don’t have a good option for a week’s care for her at this age. That can be part of life with babies and toddlers—adults miss special events that don’t accommodate the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here - when you say they are older, do you mean over 70? That will inform my opinion.

Yes, they are over 70.

Then my answer is no, but I think that OP’s solution is not a good one, either. Making your inlaws do drop off and pickup for daycare is insulting but I would’t five a one year old for a week to 2 seventy year olds. I have to bite my tongue and close my eyes when I give my elementary age kids to the 70 year old grandparents!

I think that OP should bring the baby. It’s a family wedding.

[Anonymous]

No way would I let them watch the kid. They don't respect the parents' reasonable requests. Maybe a day or two won't be disastrous, but by mid week they'd be really tired and put out with a fussy kid on hand, and everyone suffers. No way would I subject my child to that.

I'd either find alternate child care or cancel the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. Much less someone I didn't trust. This trip will be a disaster, OP. Don't do it.

LOL. The baby is in day care all day!

Did you read the OPs post? The inlaws don't want the baby in daycare.

You're missing my point. You're saying you wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. The OP has baby in day care every day. She obviously does leave the baby with others. How does she explain to them why she feels perfectly fine to leave the baby in day care all day but isn't comfortable leaving her with her own grandparents?

Remember, DH asked them to do it. So it's not like the granparents are so awful and untrustworthy that it didn't occur to either parent to have these grandparents watch the baby.

Daycare teachers go through training in safety and child development.

Grandparents don’t—and if they aren’t willing to get up to speed and don’t respect the parents’ methods? Well, the daycare teacher is a far better bet.

Not to mention, daycare teachers know that child better than the grandparents do.

[Anonymous]

I am a youngish grandmother - actually still have one kid at home. I think the IL's should watch her at your home and keep schedule as normal as possible. The second home, travel, etc - is all too much even if they were familiar and supportive of routines and you could trust that they would listen to what you'd like done. All those saying you're asking for or expecting too much would mean nothing to me. This is a full week - not a weekend. Insist on your house or see if someone at her daycare can come to your house instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should cancel your trip. DH can go alone and you can stay at home with the baby.

I'm the PP who has been rallying in favor of the OP letter the ILs take the baby with them out of state. Now that I know how old they are, I've softened my view. OP can't cancel on her sister's wedding. That's ridiculous. And if she brings the baby that's that for any fun. She should leave the baby at home for sure, and start looking now for another sitter. And I'd just lie to the ILs about why: I'd say the daycare providers have told her that they've worked hard to get the baby into a routine, and that they're strongly discouraging her from changing it. Blame it on them.

[Anonymous]

WHo has daycare workers watch their child for a week? It’s a baby, not a dog!

Bring the baby to the FAMILY wedding. See if family member she can arrange for babysitting/helping during the main festivities and for night after the baby has gone to bed.

When I took my 1.5 year old to a family weding, I kept losing him because all the relatives were passing him around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. Much less someone I didn't trust. This trip will be a disaster, OP. Don't do it.

LOL. The baby is in day care all day!

Did you read the OPs post? The inlaws don't want the baby in daycare.

You're missing my point. You're saying you wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. The OP has baby in day care every day. She obviously does leave the baby with others. How does she explain to them why she feels perfectly fine to leave the baby in day care all day but isn't comfortable leaving her with her own grandparents?

Remember, DH asked them to do it. So it's not like the granparents are so awful and untrustworthy that it didn't occur to either parent to have these grandparents watch the baby.

Daycare teachers go through training in safety and child development.

Grandparents don’t—and if they aren’t willing to get up to speed and don’t respect the parents’ methods? Well, the daycare teacher is a far better bet.

Not to mention, daycare teachers know that child better than the grandparents do.

Ha ha. Sure. That's why even the best ones in DC barely pay them minimum wage. Everybody is lining up to be day care workers . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a youngish grandmother - actually still have one kid at home. I think the IL's should watch her at your home and keep schedule as normal as possible. The second home, travel, etc - is all too much even if they were familiar and supportive of routines and you could trust that they would listen to what you'd like done. All those saying you're asking for or expecting too much would mean nothing to me. This is a full week - not a weekend. Insist on your house or see if someone at her daycare can come to your house instead.

OP here - a third option is to have the other family member accompany the ILs to the out of state place for the weekend portion and then have her bring DD back to our house/daycare for the week.

And to the poster that told me not to go to my sister's wedding - if you think I'm high strung, you should meet my sister - its only an option if I'm not interested in having a relationship with her any longer.

I have considered bringing DD, but its a pretty big (5 hour) time change and who would watch her during the wedding when she'll need to be asleep?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. Much less someone I didn't trust. This trip will be a disaster, OP. Don't do it.

LOL. The baby is in day care all day!

Did you read the OPs post? The inlaws don't want the baby in daycare.

You're missing my point. You're saying you wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. The OP has baby in day care every day. She obviously does leave the baby with others. How does she explain to them why she feels perfectly fine to leave the baby in day care all day but isn't comfortable leaving her with her own grandparents?

Remember, DH asked them to do it. So it's not like the granparents are so awful and untrustworthy that it didn't occur to either parent to have these grandparents watch the baby.

Daycare teachers go through training in safety and child development.

Grandparents don’t—and if they aren’t willing to get up to speed and don’t respect the parents’ methods? Well, the daycare teacher is a far better bet.

Not to mention, daycare teachers know that child better than the grandparents do.

Ha ha. Sure. That's why even the best ones in DC barely pay them minimum wage. Everybody is lining up to be day care workers . . .

please don't make this about daycare. DD's daycare workers are wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a youngish grandmother - actually still have one kid at home. I think the IL's should watch her at your home and keep schedule as normal as possible. The second home, travel, etc - is all too much even if they were familiar and supportive of routines and you could trust that they would listen to what you'd like done. All those saying you're asking for or expecting too much would mean nothing to me. This is a full week - not a weekend. Insist on your house or see if someone at her daycare can come to your house instead.

OP here - a third option is to have the other family member accompany the ILs to the out of state place for the weekend portion and then have her bring DD back to our house/daycare for the week.

And to the poster that told me not to go to my sister's wedding - if you think I'm high strung, you should meet my sister - its only an option if I'm not interested in having a relationship with her any longer.

I have considered bringing DD, but its a pretty big (5 hour) time change and who would watch her during the wedding when she'll need to be asleep?

Hire a local sitter or hotel nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. Much less someone I didn't trust. This trip will be a disaster, OP. Don't do it.

LOL. The baby is in day care all day!

Did you read the OPs post? The inlaws don't want the baby in daycare.

You're missing my point. You're saying you wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. The OP has baby in day care every day. She obviously does leave the baby with others. How does she explain to them why she feels perfectly fine to leave the baby in day care all day but isn't comfortable leaving her with her own grandparents?

Remember, DH asked them to do it. So it's not like the granparents are so awful and untrustworthy that it didn't occur to either parent to have these grandparents watch the baby.

Daycare teachers go through training in safety and child development.

Grandparents don’t—and if they aren’t willing to get up to speed and don’t respect the parents’ methods? Well, the daycare teacher is a far better bet.

Not to mention, daycare teachers know that child better than the grandparents do.

Ha ha. Sure. That's why even the best ones in DC barely pay them minimum wage. Everybody is lining up to be day care workers . . .

please don't make this about daycare. DD's daycare workers are wonderful.

Let's just say I have a very, very close family member who works as an aide in one of the top day care providers in the city. I'm not saying they're not wonderful in many ways. But there's a reason why they're day care providers. I gather you didn't give up your job to become a daycare provider?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a youngish grandmother - actually still have one kid at home. I think the IL's should watch her at your home and keep schedule as normal as possible. The second home, travel, etc - is all too much even if they were familiar and supportive of routines and you could trust that they would listen to what you'd like done. All those saying you're asking for or expecting too much would mean nothing to me. This is a full week - not a weekend. Insist on your house or see if someone at her daycare can come to your house instead.

OP here - a third option is to have the other family member accompany the ILs to the out of state place for the weekend portion and then have her bring DD back to our house/daycare for the week.

And to the poster that told me not to go to my sister's wedding - if you think I'm high strung, you should meet my sister - its only an option if I'm not interested in having a relationship with her any longer.

I have considered bringing DD, but its a pretty big (5 hour) time change and who would watch her during the wedding when she'll need to be asleep?

If it’s a five hour time difference, who knows when anyone will be sleeping

[Anonymous]

I’m the one who said not to go—hadn’t seen it was your sistwr’s wedding at that point. *You* need to go, but DH doesn’t.

I went to a wedding solo when DD was about that age—she and DH had a ball, and it helped their bond grow.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're complicating this needlessly. Bring the baby to the wedding - get a local sitter, or have your DH watch her for the ceremony. (If they're having a stupid no-kids wedding, just say "oops, the local babysitter fell through, DH stayed back at the hotel, so sorry!"). OR, have your DH stay home with the baby while you go alone. (Again, tell your sister, "Oops, childcare fell through!" if she bitches about DH missing it.)

I would NOT let distant, 70+ grandparents who I didn't trust, and who refused to listen to me, take my 13 month old to their SECOND HOME away from all sources of back-up care (daycare, local sitters, those other local relatives.)

I guess a third option would be to radically shorten the wedding trip to 24 hours (even if it means you're ridiculously tired).

I think in your anxiety you are overthinking this. Focus on the end goal: baby is NOT staying with ILs. And just make that happen.