How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?

[Anonymous]

My in-laws have always been difficult, but things have gotten much harder since I had DD. They are judgmental about my decision to bfeed my daughter and think we are crazy for scheduling things around her nap and sleep schedules and because we refuse to do things like take DD to dinner at 8:00 pm when she is in bed by 7 because she is tired! When I try to explain that life is just easier when we are all well rested they act like I'm crazy. DD also reacts strangely to them - she isn't afraid of strangers in general but she is not a fan of them and cries when we are with them and they hold her. She does not do this with my mother or our friends. Moreover, my MIL and FIL don't seem all interested in seeing DD, except when it fits perfectly into their schedule (which is the busiest schedule any retirees have ever had).

DD is 1 and my DH and I leave for a week-long vacation in a few months. I don't want to go, but it is a family obligation and bringing her isn't an option nor is leaving her with my family because they are also all going to be on the trip. DH has asked his parents to care for DD while we are gone, although now I wish he hadn't. They agreed but now want to take her out of state for the week to their second home. I feel that it would be best for her (and them!) to be in daycare, and stay preferably at our home, if we are leaving and she will already be dealing with so many changes. They don't understand why I don't want them to take her away from everything she knows the first time she will be away from us for more than a day or two.

In addition, his parents are older, and I don't think they remember how difficult and physically demanding it is to care for a one-year-old. Daycare would be so helpful, not only to keep her in her routine, but also to give them a break. DD also tends to wake up SO early (4am) when we travel at times, which is also physically taxing even for someone younger.

I would happily organize other care for her while we are away, but we need to do so quickly to give her time to get to know the person we leave her with. We have tried to ask his parents if they would reconsider staying in the district, even in their home, but when we mention it, they get angry and tell us they raised children and they know what they are doing. That is all well and good, but it was a long time ago, and we tend to forget the infant stage. Babies crave routine and even DH and I have a harder time when we take DD out of her routine. I want to tell them forget it, that we will find alternate care. But it may exacerbate what is becoming a strained relationship already.

I tried to tell my MIL that we want her to be in daycare because it will be easier for everyone - them included - she said, "I think you are just an anxious person and we try to reassure you but it's hard." I think my concerns are valid, but am I being overly worried? I just want to know that DD is as happy as she can be while we are gone. I also don't want to come home to a DD that has entirely forgotten how to nap or sleep because they've done what they wanted regardless of her schedule.

[Anonymous]

Tell them she’ll be staying in daycare and they cannot take her out of state. Ask them if they’re still willing to look after her and if they say no, then look for alternative care. Simple as that. No need to make a big deal; if they get mad or whatever just simply explain you don’t want her routine broken up. She’s probably better off in daycare and with a babysitter or nanny. Your in laws seem so inconsiderate and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws have always been difficult, but things have gotten much harder since I had DD. They are judgmental about my decision to bfeed my daughter and think we are crazy for scheduling things around her nap and sleep schedules and because we refuse to do things like take DD to dinner at 8:00 pm when she is in bed by 7 because she is tired! When I try to explain that life is just easier when we are all well rested they act like I'm crazy. DD also reacts strangely to them - she isn't afraid of strangers in general but she is not a fan of them and cries when we are with them and they hold her. She does not do this with my mother or our friends. Moreover, my MIL and FIL don't seem all interested in seeing DD, except when it fits perfectly into their schedule (which is the busiest schedule any retirees have ever had).

DD is 1 and my DH and I leave for a week-long vacation in a few months. I don't want to go, but it is a family obligation and bringing her isn't an option nor is leaving her with my family because they are also all going to be on the trip. DH has asked his parents to care for DD while we are gone, although now I wish he hadn't. They agreed but now want to take her out of state for the week to their second home. I feel that it would be best for her (and them!) to be in daycare, and stay preferably at our home, if we are leaving and she will already be dealing with so many changes. They don't understand why I don't want them to take her away from everything she knows the first time she will be away from us for more than a day or two.

In addition, his parents are older, and I don't think they remember how difficult and physically demanding it is to care for a one-year-old. Daycare would be so helpful, not only to keep her in her routine, but also to give them a break. DD also tends to wake up SO early (4am) when we travel at times, which is also physically taxing even for someone younger.

I would happily organize other care for her while we are away, but we need to do so quickly to give her time to get to know the person we leave her with. We have tried to ask his parents if they would reconsider staying in the district, even in their home, but when we mention it, they get angry and tell us they raised children and they know what they are doing. That is all well and good, but it was a long time ago, and we tend to forget the infant stage. Babies crave routine and even DH and I have a harder time when we take DD out of her routine. I want to tell them forget it, that we will find alternate care. But it may exacerbate what is becoming a strained relationship already.

I tried to tell my MIL that we want her to be in daycare because it will be easier for everyone - them included - she said, "I think you are just an anxious person and we try to reassure you but it's hard." I think my concerns are valid, but am I being overly worried? I just want to know that DD is as happy as she can be while we are gone. I also don't want to come home to a DD that has entirely forgotten how to nap or sleep because they've done what they wanted regardless of her schedule.

Let me guess -- first child? Yes, I absolutely think you're being overly worried. The length of and angst in your post proves it! Let your ILs do things their way with your daughter for 1 week. It's not gonna kill her, or them, and for all you know by the end of the week the ILs will have learned that you were right and they'll do things your way next time.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I wouldn't leave my kid with someone like that. I would have ripped into her if she told me i was an anxious person and it's hard. Argh. Where is your DH in all of this? Why does it seem like it's you having these hard conversations with your inlaws? How old is she? 12 months or 20 months? I really can't imagine grandparents wanting to take a 1 year old away from everything she likes, her toys and her daycare.

I would hire a nanny or a friend to watch her instead. (And I'm someone who left my 18 month old with my parents for 2 weeks while DH and I went on vacation, but they could be trusted)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them she’ll be staying in daycare and they cannot take her out of state. Ask them if they’re still willing to look after her and if they say no, then look for alternative care. Simple as that. No need to make a big deal; if they get mad or whatever just simply explain you don’t want her routine broken up. She’s probably better off in daycare and with a babysitter or nanny. Your in laws seem so inconsiderate and entitled.

I totally disagree with this. The baby is not the Christ Child, and we are talking about her grandparents. Let them do this.

[Anonymous]

You sound reasonable. I wouldn’t negotiate and just tell them it won’t work for you. Find someone else. You aren’t going to relax with them watching her.

[Anonymous]

OP here - yes she is my first child, and she will be 13 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I wouldn't leave my kid with someone like that. I would have ripped into her if she told me i was an anxious person and it's hard. Argh. Where is your DH in all of this? Why does it seem like it's you having these hard conversations with your inlaws? How old is she? 12 months or 20 months? I really can't imagine grandparents wanting to take a 1 year old away from everything she likes, her toys and her daycare.

I would hire a nanny or a friend to watch her instead. (And I'm someone who left my 18 month old with my parents for 2 weeks while DH and I went on vacation, but they could be trusted)

Are you actually suggesting that OP's post doesn't read like it was written by an anxious person? No disrespect, but the ILs know the OP better than we do . . .

[Anonymous]

Is there only one person fighting against the OP and posting again and again? I think OP sounds reasonable and not anxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I wouldn't leave my kid with someone like that. I would have ripped into her if she told me i was an anxious person and it's hard. Argh. Where is your DH in all of this? Why does it seem like it's you having these hard conversations with your inlaws? How old is she? 12 months or 20 months? I really can't imagine grandparents wanting to take a 1 year old away from everything she likes, her toys and her daycare.

I would hire a nanny or a friend to watch her instead. (And I'm someone who left my 18 month old with my parents for 2 weeks while DH and I went on vacation, but they could be trusted)

OP - DH tried to talk to them over dinner - but it got so awkward he stopped. His mother and I were alone and I thought I would try to have a straightforward and honest conversation about it. Did not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there only one person fighting against the OP and posting again and again? I think OP sounds reasonable and not anxious.

I've posted more than once, yes. Is that a crime?

I see a consistent theme in parent/grandparent posts -- it's almost always complaints about the in laws. Be generous, people.

[Anonymous]

Have your husband call and say that you both really appreciate the offer to help. It’s really important that she stays in a familiar routine, so you need someone who can stay at the house. He can thank them profusely for their offer to watch her at their second home, but it won’t be needed.

Please do this. There is no way in hell you will enjoy yourself if she stays with them. It’s not about you being judged right or wrong here on DCUM. It’s aboit what you feel most comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

OP, my in laws were similar when my now-trend were little and I was much like you. Looking back, I see that I was super uptight and rigid. Let them do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound reasonable. I wouldn’t negotiate and just tell them it won’t work for you. Find someone else. You aren’t going to relax with them watching her.

Of course she won't. Because she's an anxious person!! She's not going to relax no matter who takes care of the baby.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s reasonable for you not to want them looking after her and taking her out of state. But tbh I wouldn’t have planned a trip wo my kid in these circumstances.