How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.

I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.

Your sister sounds like a self absorbed selfish jerk. I’ll bet when she’s a mom she won’t leave HER one year old in another country for a week.

She is, and if it was just her feelings I was worried about I might duck out. However, my mom (who is wonderful) is very upset by the idea of what would happen to our family if DH or I do not come or we bring DD, because my sister will not be able to handle it. It is entirely possible that she would not speak to me again/would refuse to come to family holidays, etc.

Words for your mom: If your sister is that emotionally messed up, she's going to react that way sometime in the future no matter what. Something's going to trip her trigger, and what she needs is some therapy or other help rather than everyone catering to her demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.

I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.

Have you talked with your sister directly?

Realize, if your sister really feels this strongly, she's rather setting herself up to be disappointed.

I get the strong sense that OP's sister is not the type to be spoken to directly. When someone makes a manifestly unreasonable demand ("You must leave your 1 year old baby at home for a whole week to attend my destination wedding!" ... you don't try to reason with them. Because they are impervious to reason. Instead, you make your own choices, and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.

I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.

Your sister sounds like a self absorbed selfish jerk. I’ll bet when she’s a mom she won’t leave HER one year old in another country for a week.

She is, and if it was just her feelings I was worried about I might duck out. However, my mom (who is wonderful) is very upset by the idea of what would happen to our family if DH or I do not come or we bring DD, because my sister will not be able to handle it. It is entirely possible that she would not speak to me again/would refuse to come to family holidays, etc.

Words for your mom: If your sister is that emotionally messed up, she's going to react that way sometime in the future no matter what. Something's going to trip her trigger, and what she needs is some therapy or other help rather than everyone catering to her demands.

exactly. the sister is going to explode no matter what. OP needs to decide if she's going to go so far as to leave her baby in an uncomfortable care situation for a week, just to delay the inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.

I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.

Your sister sounds horrible and controlling and your mother is enabling her behavior by making everyone tiptoe around her. It doesn't matter that she's the bride. Some of this behavior is crazy. Eventually you will need to extract yourself from what is clearly a bad codependent relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Truly cannot believe what I’m reading. If it’s sooo difficult to take care of a baby why are so many of you trusting others to take care of yours? How many of you are SAHMs?

This thread is crazy talk.

I hire consistent child care givers who are under 70 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can always drive back and use the daycare if they are tired.

What does a state border matter?

Maybe it is nice at the vacation house?

I think that if you are not comfortable with letting them care for her, one of you has to bail on this family obligation. People do this all the time for their kids.

OP here - This is true and would probably be what happened. The vacation house is just 2.5 hours away and they could drive back. In the end I think the issue is that my DH trusts them to take her, although he also thinks it would be better for them and her if she was in daycare. I know she would survive - they love her and they aren't going to feed her the wrong things or keep her up late or anything - it will just be more awkward. I think I just wanted advice on whether I was being unreasonable expecting them to stay in our house/take her to daycare. I'm not comfortable leaving her with them because its hard to leave her in the first place and they have a different parenting philosophy than we do. They are reliable in that my baby would be safe and cared for.

I'm not sure I'm more comfortable hiring a stranger to watch her for the wedding/reception/festivities (all of which are late at night so her coming and needing to go to sleep might pretty distracting from my sister, who does have a reasonable expectation of being the center of attention at her wedding) in a different country.

And you are right - I could back out or DH could stay home. There would be a family rift on our side though, because my sister won't just be pissed, it'll be thing until we're dead. She's close to my DH too. At this point, we are considering DH staying home though or bringing her.

There is also a part of me that things DH is right, that she would be fine with his parents at their second home and all of this would be harder on me than her. Posting on a forum where people have all kinds of different opinions probably wasn't the right answer.

I'm the one you are responding to:

If you think she will be safe with the in-laws, don't worry so much about the schedule. At least as you describe it, these in-laws don't sound crazy. They may be biting off more than they can chew, and they will probably be worn out afterwards, but nothing you say suggests they are dangerous or crazy.

Your description of your family... they sound nuts. You've got some seriously self-centered people in the family and my guess is that none of them will ever be useful for child care, let alone emotional support.

If I had to pick a side of the family to grow close to, it would be DHs. They sound like they are trying hard to be helpful, even if you don't see eye to eye.

As for what you should do: not everyone is comfortable leaving their one-year old for a week. And that is fine. Not all one-year-olds are the same.

You have to decide what you are comfortable with and do that. We weren't ready until our kid was two. And we weren't ready until around 14 to leave my son in my dad's care overnight (his wife isn't nice, and they didn't follow medically important dietary rules, and kid didn't even want to. he always feels like Cinderella there.)

People really do get bent out of shape about weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can always drive back and use the daycare if they are tired.

What does a state border matter?

Maybe it is nice at the vacation house?

I think that if you are not comfortable with letting them care for her, one of you has to bail on this family obligation. People do this all the time for their kids.

OP here - This is true and would probably be what happened. The vacation house is just 2.5 hours away and they could drive back. In the end I think the issue is that my DH trusts them to take her, although he also thinks it would be better for them and her if she was in daycare. I know she would survive - they love her and they aren't going to feed her the wrong things or keep her up late or anything - it will just be more awkward. I think I just wanted advice on whether I was being unreasonable expecting them to stay in our house/take her to daycare. I'm not comfortable leaving her with them because its hard to leave her in the first place and they have a different parenting philosophy than we do. They are reliable in that my baby would be safe and cared for.

I'm not sure I'm more comfortable hiring a stranger to watch her for the wedding/reception/festivities (all of which are late at night so her coming and needing to go to sleep might pretty distracting from my sister, who does have a reasonable expectation of being the center of attention at her wedding) in a different country.

And you are right - I could back out or DH could stay home. There would be a family rift on our side though, because my sister won't just be pissed, it'll be thing until we're dead. She's close to my DH too. At this point, we are considering DH staying home though or bringing her.

There is also a part of me that things DH is right, that she would be fine with his parents at their second home and all of this would be harder on me than her. Posting on a forum where people have all kinds of different opinions probably wasn't the right answer.

I'm the one you are responding to:

If you think she will be safe with the in-laws, don't worry so much about the schedule. At least as you describe it, these in-laws don't sound crazy. They may be biting off more than they can chew, and they will probably be worn out afterwards, but nothing you say suggests they are dangerous or crazy.

Your description of your family... they sound nuts. You've got some seriously self-centered people in the family and my guess is that none of them will ever be useful for child care, let alone emotional support.

If I had to pick a side of the family to grow close to, it would be DHs. They sound like they are trying hard to be helpful, even if you don't see eye to eye.

As for what you should do: not everyone is comfortable leaving their one-year old for a week. And that is fine. Not all one-year-olds are the same.

You have to decide what you are comfortable with and do that. We weren't ready until our kid was two. And we weren't ready until around 14 to leave my son in my dad's care overnight (his wife isn't nice, and they didn't follow medically important dietary rules, and kid didn't even want to. he always feels like Cinderella there.)

People really do get bent out of shape about weddings.

My sister is a mess, but she lives across the country and we alternate holidays so we see her once every year-ish (thank heaven). The rest of my family is even keel, and My mom is amazing with our baby (all babies really) and realizes my sister is crazy, but she's her mom so its hard for her to deal with rifts between siblings. Its also generally best not to upset my crazy sister because we do only see each other once in a great while. She also believes DD will be fine with the in-laws and that I'm a bit too attached to DD, so she doesn't think its worth it to upset my sister. And yes, my other sister and I do get slighted because we don't have emotional issues. All families have a thing. My sister is ours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. After a discussion last night the grandparents have offered to watch her in our home for a two days in August while we out of town and to watch her in our home for the week in July our daycare closes. I will probably telework a day or two that week and be out of sight but observe how it goes. If she’s comfortable with them after that, we’ll ask them to watch her in our home and keep her in daycare. We will also have a third, younger family member with them. If she isn’t comfortable and happy with them or they won’t agree to that we will find a way to bring her.

It’s not that I want to galavant around Europe without my baby. It’s that my sisters wedding is an a remote area where I am not sure where I can find reliable childcare and I’m not sure we can afford to bring childcare on top of the trip. Me staying home isn’t an option unless I’m no longer interested in a relationship with my younger sister, who is sensitive and would not understand my not coming as our other sister has two babies under two and is going and leaving them with her IL. I would ask my DH to stay home but he thinks she will be fine if we are gone for 7 days, 4 of which she is in daycare for most of the day. Because he feels that way and wants to come, it’s hard for me to tell him he must stay home. I should also clarify my dd will not be unsafe with my in laws in any way. I just worry for her comfort level. Which is why we will do these trial runs first. If they don’t work out, we won’t leave her.

My sister asked me if this the wedding in Europe was okay when I was pregnant and I thought I’d be okay leaving her at 13/14 months. Turns out I should have waited to see how I’d feel about the whole thing.

OP, I'm the poster who wrote about MIL wanting to hit my child (which is why I have never left my children in her care EVER). In your case, I would be more concerned with your IL's ability to do 24 hour care. It's a lot. Heck my kids are in middle school and I honestly could not handle care of a toddler without a break myself at this point. I think you have a really good plan. I was also wondering if your sister dictated her wedding be no children? I assume she is not having flowergirls etc?

You are correct. She asked for no children. Not to get into that relationship - but shes had a difficult time accepting the fact that my other sister and I have little ones and can't give the amount of attention she'd like to her wedding planning/bachelorette etc. this is not the post to get into that.

Oh, but it is. You're tip-toeing around your sister's unreasonable feelings rather than doing what is best for you and your child, what feels right. If your sister was the kind of person who said, "I understand, you do what you need to do," I would be more inclined to say put yourself out there for her. It sounds like your sister is taking emotional hostages here.

But expecting you to say definitively whether you could come to remote locale without your baby while you're pregnant? That's not really a fair question. Heck, I wouldn't have had a week of PTO to use a year out from having my first, because of all the illnesses and the PTO I used to cover maternity leave.

Take a moment to examine what keeping your sister happy (or happy-ish) costs you, not just in this instance, but others.

OMG, THIS. OP, you do realize that at some point your relationship with your sister is going to go WAY SOUTH. She sounds like a ticking time bomb. Honestly, your family comes first. You need to do whatever you feel the most comfortable doing. Your sisters feelings DO NOT factor into any of this or you are as much an enabler as your mother.

[Anonymous]

You are being unreasonable re: the original issue.

New poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can always drive back and use the daycare if they are tired.

What does a state border matter?

Maybe it is nice at the vacation house?

I think that if you are not comfortable with letting them care for her, one of you has to bail on this family obligation. People do this all the time for their kids.

OP here - This is true and would probably be what happened. The vacation house is just 2.5 hours away and they could drive back. In the end I think the issue is that my DH trusts them to take her, although he also thinks it would be better for them and her if she was in daycare. I know she would survive - they love her and they aren't going to feed her the wrong things or keep her up late or anything - it will just be more awkward. I think I just wanted advice on whether I was being unreasonable expecting them to stay in our house/take her to daycare. I'm not comfortable leaving her with them because its hard to leave her in the first place and they have a different parenting philosophy than we do. They are reliable in that my baby would be safe and cared for.

I'm not sure I'm more comfortable hiring a stranger to watch her for the wedding/reception/festivities (all of which are late at night so her coming and needing to go to sleep might pretty distracting from my sister, who does have a reasonable expectation of being the center of attention at her wedding) in a different country.

And you are right - I could back out or DH could stay home. There would be a family rift on our side though, because my sister won't just be pissed, it'll be thing until we're dead. She's close to my DH too. At this point, we are considering DH staying home though or bringing her.

There is also a part of me that things DH is right, that she would be fine with his parents at their second home and all of this would be harder on me than her. Posting on a forum where people have all kinds of different opinions probably wasn't the right answer.

I'm the one you are responding to:

If you think she will be safe with the in-laws, don't worry so much about the schedule. At least as you describe it, these in-laws don't sound crazy. They may be biting off more than they can chew, and they will probably be worn out afterwards, but nothing you say suggests they are dangerous or crazy.

Your description of your family... they sound nuts. You've got some seriously self-centered people in the family and my guess is that none of them will ever be useful for child care, let alone emotional support.

If I had to pick a side of the family to grow close to, it would be DHs. They sound like they are trying hard to be helpful, even if you don't see eye to eye.

As for what you should do: not everyone is comfortable leaving their one-year old for a week. And that is fine. Not all one-year-olds are the same.

You have to decide what you are comfortable with and do that. We weren't ready until our kid was two. And we weren't ready until around 14 to leave my son in my dad's care overnight (his wife isn't nice, and they didn't follow medically important dietary rules, and kid didn't even want to. he always feels like Cinderella there.)

People really do get bent out of shape about weddings.

My sister is a mess, but she lives across the country and we alternate holidays so we see her once every year-ish (thank heaven). The rest of my family is even keel, and My mom is amazing with our baby (all babies really) and realizes my sister is crazy, but she's her mom so its hard for her to deal with rifts between siblings. Its also generally best not to upset my crazy sister because we do only see each other once in a great while. She also believes DD will be fine with the in-laws and that I'm a bit too attached to DD, so she doesn't think its worth it to upset my sister. And yes, my other sister and I do get slighted because we don't have emotional issues. All families have a thing. My sister is ours.

Ok well OP. You get to chose between appeasing your crazy sister and enabling mom; or doing what you think is right for your own child. Most people find that their role as a mother is the most important one. Leaving a 1 year old baby for a week with 70+ year old in laws you aren't totally confident in is something very few mothers would do, unless they really have to go (as in, husband is deployed and you have a medical emergency, death in family, work trip you absolutely can't miss).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.

I know. But I feel like the whole thing is playing with fire. I've discussed myself or DH staying home with my Mother and she feels my sister would be devastated. I've discussed with my mom brining the baby, and she feels my sister would be furious, even if we got a sitter at night. Yet asking my in laws to abide by our wishes and leave DD in daycare makes them mad.

In all this DD is my first priority. But no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt a family relationship.

Your sister sounds like a self absorbed selfish jerk. I’ll bet when she’s a mom she won’t leave HER one year old in another country for a week.

She is, and if it was just her feelings I was worried about I might duck out. However, my mom (who is wonderful) is very upset by the idea of what would happen to our family if DH or I do not come or we bring DD, because my sister will not be able to handle it. It is entirely possible that she would not speak to me again/would refuse to come to family holidays, etc.

Words for your mom: If your sister is that emotionally messed up, she's going to react that way sometime in the future no matter what. Something's going to trip her trigger, and what she needs is some therapy or other help rather than everyone catering to her demands.

+1. Your mom isn't so wonderful if she requires one daughter's obedience in her plan to enable the other's bad behavior. Maybe you can't see your mom as clearly as you should.

[Anonymous]

So OP, your post isn't about the inlaws at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP, your post isn't about the inlaws at all.

Exactly. The inlaws are the least of her problems. The main issue is her sister and the family members that enable her. It’s just going to get worse.

I cannot imagine being so desperate for attention that I would resent the presence of nieces/nephews at my wedding. She needs to grow up before getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can always drive back and use the daycare if they are tired.

What does a state border matter?

Maybe it is nice at the vacation house?

I think that if you are not comfortable with letting them care for her, one of you has to bail on this family obligation. People do this all the time for their kids.

OP here - This is true and would probably be what happened. The vacation house is just 2.5 hours away and they could drive back. In the end I think the issue is that my DH trusts them to take her, although he also thinks it would be better for them and her if she was in daycare. I know she would survive - they love her and they aren't going to feed her the wrong things or keep her up late or anything - it will just be more awkward. I think I just wanted advice on whether I was being unreasonable expecting them to stay in our house/take her to daycare. I'm not comfortable leaving her with them because its hard to leave her in the first place and they have a different parenting philosophy than we do. They are reliable in that my baby would be safe and cared for.

I'm not sure I'm more comfortable hiring a stranger to watch her for the wedding/reception/festivities (all of which are late at night so her coming and needing to go to sleep might pretty distracting from my sister, who does have a reasonable expectation of being the center of attention at her wedding) in a different country.

And you are right - I could back out or DH could stay home. There would be a family rift on our side though, because my sister won't just be pissed, it'll be thing until we're dead. She's close to my DH too. At this point, we are considering DH staying home though or bringing her.

There is also a part of me that things DH is right, that she would be fine with his parents at their second home and all of this would be harder on me than her. Posting on a forum where people have all kinds of different opinions probably wasn't the right answer.

I'm the one you are responding to:

If you think she will be safe with the in-laws, don't worry so much about the schedule. At least as you describe it, these in-laws don't sound crazy. They may be biting off more than they can chew, and they will probably be worn out afterwards, but nothing you say suggests they are dangerous or crazy.

Your description of your family... they sound nuts. You've got some seriously self-centered people in the family and my guess is that none of them will ever be useful for child care, let alone emotional support.

If I had to pick a side of the family to grow close to, it would be DHs. They sound like they are trying hard to be helpful, even if you don't see eye to eye.

As for what you should do: not everyone is comfortable leaving their one-year old for a week. And that is fine. Not all one-year-olds are the same.

You have to decide what you are comfortable with and do that. We weren't ready until our kid was two. And we weren't ready until around 14 to leave my son in my dad's care overnight (his wife isn't nice, and they didn't follow medically important dietary rules, and kid didn't even want to. he always feels like Cinderella there.)

People really do get bent out of shape about weddings.

OP, I agree with the above. It sounds like your in-laws will do a great job. Will they do it EXACTLY like you want? No. And that is okay. Your 13 month old will adjust. In fact, think of it as you doing something good for your little one because the baby needs to learn to be flexible. This is an important life skill and you need to help your baby experience situations where s/he will need to be flexible. I would ask them to come to your house, though, so that she can stay in day care because they may not have all the stuff or baby-proofed their house and it will be just plain easier on them if they are in your place. However, make sure that the guest room is super comfy or prep your mbr for them. You want this to go smoothly and having them comfortable and well-rested is the best way to help ensure that.

I also agree that it sounds like your in-laws are going to be the side of the family to which you want to cleave. Good luck.

The other stuff, about your side of the family, well, you've got your hands full there. Just try to stay out of the line of fire and not draw a lot of attention to yourself. They all sound like drama queens imo and no good can come of that. And weddings do cause even the most sane people to suddenly become lunatics.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t leave a child so young with people I didn’t have 100% trust/confidence in.