special needs son excluded and he knows

[Anonymous]

Mine is just a wee one, so we haven't had to think about parties or playdates yet, but I have a curiosity:
What about the advice you always hear, to keep things small and low-key, because small children can't handle that level of stimulation and enjoy themselves? It makes sense to me. Does that just apply to pre-schoolers?
And, what is "stbx"? Maybe it could be added to the "abbreviations" thread currently going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is just a wee one, so we haven't had to think about parties or playdates yet, but I have a curiosity:
What about the advice you always hear, to keep things small and low-key, because small children can't handle that level of stimulation and enjoy themselves? It makes sense to me. Does that just apply to pre-schoolers?
And, what is "stbx"? Maybe it could be added to the "abbreviations" thread currently going.

I am not at the parties stage yet either, but wonder why it's not possible to accomplish both goals if that's desired? Maybe the low-key party could be kids from the neighborhood, or just family? Those are built-in parameters that could keep things small without being exclusionary. I'm just appalled at the idea that people are okay with inviting a big chunk of a class but not then inviting all of them. I think I could see one or two best friends from class being included in an otherwise small party but that does not at all seem to be what OP and others are talking about experiencing.

[Anonymous]

Bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is just a wee one, so we haven't had to think about parties or playdates yet, but I have a curiosity:
What about the advice you always hear, to keep things small and low-key, because small children can't handle that level of stimulation and enjoy themselves? It makes sense to me. Does that just apply to pre-schoolers?
And, what is "stbx"? Maybe it could be added to the "abbreviations" thread currently going.

I am not at the parties stage yet either, but wonder why it's not possible to accomplish both goals if that's desired? Maybe the low-key party could be kids from the neighborhood, or just family? Those are built-in parameters that could keep things small without being exclusionary. I'm just appalled at the idea that people are okay with inviting a big chunk of a class but not then inviting all of them. I think I could see one or two best friends from class being included in an otherwise small party but that does not at all seem to be what OP and others are talking about experiencing.

It really depends on the individual. I am the PP who invited all the boys in the class. DS is friends with and has been invited to the bday parties of more than half of his class. We prefer to invite those who have been kind enough to invite DS to their parties. Doing so would mean leaving only a few boys out in DS's class. While at his school they are not allowed to talk about their parties if the whole class is not invited, they are kids and they still do. So rather than risk upsetting the few boys who are not that friendly with DS, we invited them all. We also have 15 kids of DS's age in our neighborhood ( I am not kidding) and DS has been invited to all their birthday parties. They all play together at the nearby playground and at each others houses and because of the proximity of some of the neighbors and the fact that they are all friends there is no way that we could sneak in some and not others.

There is sometimes the assumption that big parties are to show off or in some manner compete but I can say with hand on my heart that we have them because we would not feel happy excluding any of the people I mentioned above.

Many are happy to not return invitations or they do not particularly mind excluding in the cases I have described above and I am not in a position to question/judge their choice but we are not in that camp.

[Anonymous]

bump

[Anonymous]

bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son has some developmental delays and has special needs. He is in kindergarten. He knows he is not invited to bday parties of classmates. The kids talk in class, in anticipation and after the fact and it makes him sad. My heart breaks every time he comes home and talks about so and so's bowling party and didn't he get an invitation? He is bothered that the boys he calls friends don't invite him to their parties. I've set up playdates at home with the boys he likes and they seem to have a good time....

To all you awesome DCUM/D -- please, if you are planning a bday party and, say, you plan to invite all the boys in your DC class, make sure you invite ALL the boys. It would mean so much to the child who doesn't get many party and playdate invitations, and would mean SO much to the child's mom.

I wanted to bump this up. Its one of the most relevant posts I've ever read on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Its ridiculous for any GUESTS at a party to COMPLAIN about the number of guests at a party. That goes against any etiquette rules, even if they were only complaining about etiquette rules.

Any parents who would do so are cads. They want to justify their own refusal to include others and are afraid of being judged. Its the "mean girls" mentality and unfortunately it will most likely spread to their offspring.

As for big costs, its not expensive at all to have a party at a park and make a cake with lemonade. If you are trying to out-do your neighbors, then yes, maybe your exclusive party will be less expensive than a big bash. But will your kid have more fun that way? Or is it really all about you?

Next time, invite ONLY the kids and let the parents grumble on their own time!

[Anonymous]

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Adding another voice to the chorus. . .

I have a two month old baby, and will print this thread out to remind me five years from now how important compassion is, and how early it can be taught.

OP- If our little girl was your son's age, I would invite him over in a heartbeat! And let the two of them tell us adults what kind of Halloween party they would want, and how we could make it fun for them. And everyone would be invited.

[Anonymous]

Well, I will be honest and say that I might not invite a "special needs" child.

My understanding is that at the age of 5/6, drop off parties start. If the child in question had behaviors I couldn't handle or didn't think I could handle, I don't know how keen I would be on trying to take care of that child - especially if I didn't know the child, plus the other kids at the party, plus paying attention to my own child. I am guessing given the number of replies from others that their child doesn't get invited, I am not the only parent who may think this way. Yes, I guess it is unfair but I can only take on what I feel I can handle in a given situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I will be honest and say that I might not invite a "special needs" child.

My understanding is that at the age of 5/6, drop off parties start. If the child in question had behaviors I couldn't handle or didn't think I could handle, I don't know how keen I would be on trying to take care of that child - especially if I didn't know the child, plus the other kids at the party, plus paying attention to my own child. I am guessing given the number of replies from others that their child doesn't get invited, I am not the only parent who may think this way. Yes, I guess it is unfair but I can only take on what I feel I can handle in a given situation.

Rather than assuming, would you be open to asking the parents what's best for their child? My sense is that parents of special needs children are thoughtful about things like this and would not put their child in a situation that would be too much for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I will be honest and say that I might not invite a "special needs" child.

My understanding is that at the age of 5/6, drop off parties start. If the child in question had behaviors I couldn't handle or didn't think I could handle, I don't know how keen I would be on trying to take care of that child - especially if I didn't know the child, plus the other kids at the party, plus paying attention to my own child. I am guessing given the number of replies from others that their child doesn't get invited, I am not the only parent who may think this way. Yes, I guess it is unfair but I can only take on what I feel I can handle in a given situation.

Get a clue lady. Do you actually think a mom would drop her child off at your house who has Cerebral Palsy or some other severe disability? I feel sorry for your children, hopefully they can find their way to compassion and thoughtfulness some place else. I don't think I'd be too keen on my kids hanging out with this likes of your children, and the kid of values/example you set. Your post embodies everything that is wrong with this world in which we live in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I will be honest and say that I might not invite a "special needs" child.

My understanding is that at the age of 5/6, drop off parties start. If the child in question had behaviors I couldn't handle or didn't think I could handle, I don't know how keen I would be on trying to take care of that child - especially if I didn't know the child, plus the other kids at the party, plus paying attention to my own child. I am guessing given the number of replies from others that their child doesn't get invited, I am not the only parent who may think this way. Yes, I guess it is unfair but I can only take on what I feel I can handle in a given situation.

I am the mother of a child with special needs. I can assure you that I would never "drop off" my child and expect you to attend to him. Sorry if this sound harsh, but given what you posted, I don't think that my son and I would even attend your party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Get a clue lady. Do you actually think a mom would drop her child off at your house who has Cerebral Palsy or some other severe disability? I feel sorry for your children, hopefully they can find their way to compassion and thoughtfulness some place else. I don't think I'd be too keen on my kids hanging out with this likes of your children, and the kid of values/example you set. Your post embodies everything that is wrong with this world in which we live in.

I think you need to get a clue.

If you haven't noticed, the "special needs" label is applied quite liberally these days and can mean anything from autism spectrum disorders, ADD, ODD, all the way down to physical disabilites. Also, I would not make the assumption that evey parent will glady stay at the party.