special needs son excluded and he knows

[Anonymous]

OP just wanted you to know, we always make a point of including those who are usually excluded. DD's best friend is autistic, and oddly she is the only one that ever has been able to get through to this kid. They just get each other. We, as people, spent so much time putting children with disabilities in separate schools, or away from the general population, that many people are not used to those with special needs.

I remember years ago I worked in a store with a girl who had Downs. Her mother came in one day, and when I asked if she was Jenny's mom, she said yes, and seemed pleased to have that recognition. I went on to tell her how nice it was working with Jenny, and how hard she always worked. Jenny barely spoke, and could only work with the help of an aid, but she was diligent and made sure that she was doing her job well. When Jenny's mom left, she had tears in her eyes, because she had waited so long for someone to say these things.

OP if your son was in my DD's class, he would have an invitation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for your little boy. I was so impressed the the Great Zucchini's wonderful offer. And, I am so impressed with all of the support you received on this site. It is heartwarming.

In addition to wanting to add that I had a profound reaction to original post and the responses, I wanted to say one more thing. My children have experienced the opposite. They are the children of lesbian parents. I am not aware that my children have been excluded from parties of classmates, though it may have happened. But, when my children have invited kids to their parties -- whether at home or at public venues -- most parents decline the invitation. And, for the few that accept, not even half actually show. While I am not generally naive, I have been totally shocked and was unprepared for this reaction to my kids. And, what is most disheartening is that it is the parents' decisions that lead to the disappointment that my children face. The children themselves are so open to the differences that life brings.

[Anonymous]

I am not very good at scheduling play dates in general, and pretty much just respond and reciprocate to requests from others. However, I initiated one with a child in my DD's class who has Down's because her Mother had written a newsletter article about kids with special needs explaining exactly how the OP felt (she wrote it anonymously, but I'm pretty sure it was from her).

Our DD became great friends with this little girl and they still get together despite being in different schools now. She's a wonderful child and I am so happy that she's become a part of our life. If her mother hadn't written that article I probably would never have thought to schedule a play date with her.

I knew several other mothers in that class who thought it wouldn't be a good fit due to the developmental differences. That has just not been an issue. Siblings play together despite having huge developmental differences.

I would suggest finding one other parent in the class that you think may understand what you are going through and explain your feelings to them. I know I felt terrible after reading that newsletter, and I'm sure any parent you bring this up to will feel the same. Just try to find one child you can have play dates with and then hopefully the others will catch on, too.

[Anonymous]

Op - thankyou for this post. Like many others, my heart is breaking for you and your son. I have a two year old and I will remember this post for a long time and pledge to always teach him that everyone should be treated equally - no matter what. I pledge to do that myself as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry for your little boy. I was so impressed the the Great Zucchini's wonderful offer. And, I am so impressed with all of the support you received on this site. It is heartwarming.

In addition to wanting to add that I had a profound reaction to original post and the responses, I wanted to say one more thing. My children have experienced the opposite. They are the children of lesbian parents. I am not aware that my children have been excluded from parties of classmates, though it may have happened. But, when my children have invited kids to their parties -- whether at home or at public venues -- most parents decline the invitation. And, for the few that accept, not even half actually show. While I am not generally naive, I have been totally shocked and was unprepared for this reaction to my kids. And, what is most disheartening is that it is the parents' decisions that lead to the disappointment that my children face. The children themselves are so open to the differences that life brings.

Wow, I find it shocking that in this day and age and in this area people are still so closed-minded. My heart goes out to you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Again, I am having a visceral reaction to HOW PARENTS REACT!!! I am blown away in today's day and age that lesbianism is something frightening to parents, so much so that their children can't go to a birthday party. Newsflash to parents: THIS IS ABOUT THE KIDS AND YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO EXPOSE THEM TO LIFE'S DIFFERENCES! Do you REALLY think that your child will even be aware of "two moms" until a slightly older age. Isn't this the perfect opportunity to respond with,"families come in all shapes and sizes and isn't Sally lucky to have so many people that love her like you have so many people to love you."

Holy Cow!

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,
I have learned a lot from this thread and from your post. My DD does not have any special needs children in her class, and I have never known anyone with special needs. I am sad to admit that I might have been one of those parents who would not have invited a special needs child to my DD's party - mainly out of ignorance, and fear that I would say or do something wrong, or would not be able to appropriately interact with a special needs child. Thank you so much for your post. I make a pledge to always include everyone at my DD's parties in the future. Your post made me take a hard look in the mirror and remember that all children have feelings, and I need to overcome my own issues/fears/ignorance. I am sorry for what you are going through, but you have helped me a lot with your post.

[Anonymous]

Bump...this is important enough to keep at the top.

[Anonymous]

OP-

I could have written your post-we don't deal with developmental delays but with life-threatening food allergies.

I was also amazed at the responses from other parents and exclusions because we need a little more cautious handling of food or exclusion of some things in order to keep dd safe.

Thank you to all that have written here-it brought me to tears and I hope that dd has parents like you in her upcoming classes.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree you should talk to the teacher and befriend the parents to politely enlighten them on the situation. Maybe you could find a playgroup with other special needs kids...or start one? Does DC have any strengths/talents or interests that you could help develop to build his confidence? I'm sure your post has inspired many of us to talk to our own children about friendship. I talked to my DS last night about it. And then I realized, my DS has not been invited to any b'day parties since he's been in Kindergarten! He's the one minority in the class, but people came to his b'day party. So hmmm, this makes me think what is up?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree you should talk to the teacher and befriend the parents to politely enlighten them on the situation. Maybe you could find a playgroup with other special needs kids...or start one? Does DC have any strengths/talents or interests that you could help develop to build his confidence? I'm sure your post has inspired many of us to talk to our own children about friendship. I talked to my DS last night about it. And then I realized, my DS has not been invited to any b'day parties since he's been in Kindergarten! He's the one minority in the class, but people came to his b'day party. So hmmm, this makes me think what is up?!

All the posts on this thread are with the very best of intentions and speak well of this community. I'd like to make a gentle point about the suggestion above regarding finding ways to build this young boy's confidence. While kind in spirit, it is reflective of the general idea that the locus of the problem is with the special needs child, and not the other children or their parents. There's not been anything to suggest this child suffers from low self-esteem, though most people with no experience with disability would presume this must certainly be the case. The problem is that his feelings have been hurt by the exclusionary behavior of others, and this behavior should be the focus of this thread. The poster with the child with allergies is shrewd about what is likely going on in her case and it is a valid comparison. It is sad but very true that many adults wish to avoid anything that might be inconvenient to them even when this means breaking the most basic and obvious rules of good manners. None of this is about forcing friendships -- that can't realistically be done, and shouldn't be. And it sounds like OP's son does have friends from school. The problem rests with parents who for whatever reason do not find it rude (or perhaps even don't care that it's rude) to single someone out and leave them out of a social event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
All the posts on this thread are with the very best of intentions and speak well of this community. I'd like to make a gentle point about the suggestion above regarding finding ways to build this young boy's confidence. While kind in spirit, it is reflective of the general idea that the locus of the problem is with the special needs child, and not the other children or their parents. There's not been anything to suggest this child suffers from low self-esteem, though most people with no experience with disability would presume this must certainly be the case. The problem is that his feelings have been hurt by the exclusionary behavior of others, and this behavior should be the focus of this thread. The poster with the child with allergies is shrewd about what is likely going on in her case and it is a valid comparison. It is sad but very true that many adults wish to avoid anything that might be inconvenient to them even when this means breaking the most basic and obvious rules of good manners. None of this is about forcing friendships -- that can't realistically be done, and shouldn't be. And it sounds like OP's son does have friends from school. The problem rests with parents who for whatever reason do not find it rude (or perhaps even don't care that it's rude) to single someone out and leave them out of a social event.

Sure, I think most of us agree that the "locus of the problem" does not in fact reside on the side of the special needs child... In an ideal world, parents of other children in the class would come to realize that on their own and be more vigorous about inviting the special needs child. BUT the reality is that if this mother does not take the initiative to reach out to other parents, it is likely that her son will continue to be left out and hurt in the long run. I think the pp's suggestion to befriend the parents and enlighten them is a practical suggestion and one intended to turn this into a teaching moment. The beauty of this thread is that it has become a teaching moment for all of us thanks to the OP's acknowledgment that this situation hurts her kid's feelings. So while it is *right* that the "issue" or "problem" is not the special needs child's, I don't think it hurts for the parent to reach out an olive branch to the ignorant parents.

[Anonymous]

PP, I thoroughly agree with you. It was really only this sentence that I was addressing as being off-point:

Does DC have any strengths/talents or interests that you could help develop to build his confidence?

I only meant to add to the conversation and continue to enlighten (gently) those who are not so knowledgeable about people with disabilities.

[Anonymous]

God bless you with this poem.. it really touched my heart deeply!!!!

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm so sorry that your son is being excluded - it's totally not fair, and also not fair to you. It breaks my heart, actually.

My daughter just started preschool this year and I know some parents are concerned about numbers when inviting the whole class, but I think to invite all the boys but one is unconscionable.

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