special needs son excluded and he knows

Anonymous
OP- Been there done that and now my first grader gets invited to birthday parties!!! So far this year she's been to 4! She has 3 best friends. Since my stbx and I seperated, it has affected the minimal playdate invitations as that is difficult for other parents to handle.

My child has severe ADD. She zones out and doesn't get social ques. The birthday party invitation shutout started in preschool. The child she said was her best friend in kindergarten would choose what days to include her in the group and what days not to then tell her what to do. When I suggested that she hang out with other friends, she said "she didn't know how". It hurts when you see them in brownie circle and another child sprinkles confetti on your DD's head when she zones out. Or that other children are playing duck duck goose and your child can't get the directions even though her intelligence measures way above average. But my DD now has lots of friends, genuine nice little children. One of them I've even seen given her nudges to keep her with the rest of the group when she starts to zone. So keep hope.

How did she make real friends? A hell of a lot of work!!! I worked with the school, her IEP, the school social worker, and teachers. The school created lunch bunches to help teach social skills to a group of children (She still has them). The teacher paired her up with a new shy child who didn't know anyone. I enrolled her in a social skills class through In Step in Virginia that teaches children how to make and be friends and what social ques to look for. Me and my stbx do not let hardly a single weekend go by without playdates. I signed her up for brownies afterschool with many of her school friends. I have at least one nonbirthday party like a tea party, gingerbread house, easter egg party, etc per year. You are more likely to make the party list when their kid has a party at your house.

She is happy now. But her life will be an uphill struggle.
Anonymous
I am married to a man who is physically disabled. The stares and awkward looks don't come from just children...
That said, luckily, we truly don't care.
I will say that when I read the postings on private schools and hear the parents brag about their bright kids, I can only think of the families who can't even relate to acceptance to one of those "elite" schools.
In our home, we don't consider parties unless all are invited. That has caused us to forgo parties because we can't afford to have everyone.
Let us keep in mind that at any time, any where, anyone of us could end up as special needs individuals.
Anonymous
I just wanted to thank everyone that has participated in this thread, especially the OP, for enlightening me. As DC gets older, I will try to always remember the lessons in this thread.
Anonymous
I think this topic is the best one I've ever seen on DCUM and I think it should become a permanant stickey at the top of the thread as a reminder always!
Anonymous
meant to say it should be placed at the top of the message board PERMANANTLY
Anonymous
To the OP- I also have a 5 yr old with some developmental delays and who is special needs. Luckily, his school handles it well and insists that all the kids be invited to parties, if any. That said, he still gets snubbed by other kids at time. His social skills aren't always the same as kids his age and he doesn't respond in a way they understand. We have several kids who do playdates with him, but he does best one on one. If you'd like to try to connect and maybe get together for playdates and eventually birthday parties, we'd love that. We're in Bethesda but are willing to travel a little. Please feel free to email to talk. Thanks and good luck. Busylilbeaver@comcast.net
Anonymous
A part of me just can't believe how insensitive and self centered some parents can be. I hear horror stories of how catty and petty PTA groups can be and hope that when we get there parents will take these important issues seriously. There is a lot of lip service paid to diversity but much less actual practice to maintain inclusive environments.

There was a thread awhile back about a little girl who felt bad from being excluded to several birthday parties. The responses were not all positive and several moms defended that exclusion and inclusion is part of life, they couldn't afford to invite everyone, and beig able to offer their child a party was more important than being PC. It really made me sick but so many do it!

Responders here are latching on to this poor little boy being the only one left out when all the boys were invited. We shouldn't lose sight that when parents do smaller parties that exclude more this is can be just as bad. Chances are there are one or two little kids that get excluded most if not all the time even though everyone isn't going to that particular party. The smaller groups just let the obnoxious parents off the hook for felling guilty or responsible for their actions. In terms of controlling expenses, why can't parents just dial back the costs so they can include more kids? The moms who exclude based on cost so they can provide $15 dollar goodie bags full of junk, expensive food, entertain the parents, and go for more expensive venues are just terrible IMO. Is competing with your neighbor to be the best hostess really more important than the feelings of a 5 year old child?

Teachers don't always help. At our preschool there is a little boy with food allergies. I asked the teacher about what I could bring for my daughter's birthday since he could not have cupcakes. She told me that he couldn't have anything, they have special food for him, and strongly encouraged me to bring cupcakes adding that all the parents still do this. I interpreted this to mean exactly what she said that the parents couldn't allow their child to eat anything that wasn't brought by them so it didn't matter what I brought. About a month later, I brought yogurt and fruit to one of the holiday parties. (The amount of sugar and junk food at those things is terrible.) I noticed that they gave this to the little boy and he was very happy about it. I ended up calling the mom and she told me that the school has a list of foods that he can have such as fruit and yogurt. I was so angry that the school misinformed me and reported the teacher to the director. Some people believe that cupcakes are a right of existence.

I think PTAs should assign a parent to focus on diversity issues and work directly with the school to maintain an inclusive environment. Teachers may be hit or miss. With large class sizes, they may even be less likely to take an active role in doing this or others may not get it. Lets face it elementary school kids are not entirely sensitive of each other's needs and can react poorly to those who are different. Throw in these parents, large classes where kids get lost, and the outcome isn't pretty. Why not create different kid buddy and mentoring programs? Or create fun outside of class activities sponsored by parents that include everyone? Do we really need to leave everything to Lord of the Flies and lets learn about exclusion now so we can figure out to get into a country later on in life?

Anonymous
I am sorry, but there is a difference between inviting just two good friends, and everyone one but one specific child. Especially if the specific uninvited child is special needs.
Anonymous
"I am sorry, but there is a difference between inviting just two good friends, and everyone one but one specific child. Especially if the specific uninvited child is special needs."

It is much worse and obvious but please do not believe that someone is not contributing to the problem by only inviting a sub set of kids. I have a friend who is amazing in being truly caring about others. When she was the room mother, she would identify the kids who seemed left out and make a special point to invite them on playdates. Sadly many parents would just ignore the children who did not have the same level of social skills or physical abilities as their child. Some parents may also be so into the popularity game that they worry more about their kids getting into the "in" crowd. Others parents get busy and don't really think about it.

Its easy to feel empathy when confronted by an incident but it shows great character to actually take a step forward and address the issue.
Anonymous
We just had our son's 6th birthday party and decided to invite all the boys in his class so that no one felt left out. My son was initially against this idea because he only wanted to invite his friends. I explained that it would mean excluding only four boys and that would hurt their feelings. I personalized it by asking how he would feel if he found out that most of the boys in his class had been invited to a party and he had been excluded. He finally understood and agreed it was a good idea to invite them all. With the neighborhood kids who are always in and out of each others houses and have all invited our son to their parties it meant we had a house FULL of kids they all had fun and we were happy we had invited them all.

It was the reaction we got from some other parents that really confused us. We were made to feel like we had broken some unwritten law by inviting all the children that would show them up for not doing the same. We found ourselves defending that decision too many times for comfort while wondering why it was a position that needed defending at all. We got so many comments about how they never had large parties for their kids, preferred low key events with just a few friends, that we really needed to find away to cut down the numbers. I was gob smacked! The house is large enough to hold the kids with no problem so it was not an issue of space. There was the implicit impression that we somehow couldn't possibly have wanted the trouble of such a big party and my husband and I found ourselves repeating so many times that day that we were actually happy to have a party that size because we preferred to do that than exclude children that were my sons friends. If we were happy to do it what on earth was the problem?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:We just had our son's 6th birthday party and decided to invite all the boys in his class so that no one felt left out. My son was initially against this idea because he only wanted to invite his friends. I explained that it would mean excluding only four boys and that would hurt their feelings. I personalized it by asking how he would feel if he found out that most of the boys in his class had been invited to a party and he had been excluded. He finally understood and agreed it was a good idea to invite them all. With the neighborhood kids who are always in and out of each others houses and have all invited our son to their parties it meant we had a house FULL of kids they all had fun and we were happy we had invited them all.

It was the reaction we got from some other parents that really confused us. We were made to feel like we had broken some unwritten law by inviting all the children that would show them up for not doing the same. We found ourselves defending that decision too many times for comfort while wondering why it was a position that needed defending at all. We got so many comments about how they never had large parties for their kids, preferred low key events with just a few friends, that we really needed to find away to cut down the numbers. I was gob smacked! The house is large enough to hold the kids with no problem so it was not an issue of space. There was the implicit impression that we somehow couldn't possibly have wanted the trouble of such a big party and my husband and I found ourselves repeating so many times that day that we were actually happy to have a party that size because we preferred to do that than exclude children that were my sons friends. If we were happy to do it what on earth was the problem?

Unbelievable. People are crazy. No matter what one does in life, you will always piss someone off. You just have to stop caring and do what works for you. You did the right thing, btw, imo.
Anonymous
Good for you 11:25! The parents who complained about your inviting the four less popular boys therefore requiring them to not be exclusive down the road are just plain wrong. There is such a herd mentality out there. They don't want the hassle of doing a larger party and would prefer to just ignore if some little kids feel left out since other parents do it too. Amazing that they don't care about a little kid's feeling but they care so much about being on equal par or one upping the rest of the parents.
Anonymous
Bump
Anonymous
9:16 and 10:37 should be required reading. Whoever you are, you really get it. Thank you. (Not the OP, btw, just another mom following the thread.)
Anonymous
I've found this thread very interesting and agree with the general consensus, that is, to include the whole class (or all the boys, or all the girls). I have found that all the parenting books, Emily Post, etc. urge parents to have smaller parties for the younger ages. I think parents like to cite etiquette reasons for cutting the guest list sometimes. Like another PP, I've also had a parent comment to me that larger parties are ridiculous and furthermore not something she wishes to afford. I thought this was kind of meant as a slap in the face since I invited the whole class. To parents of special needs kids and gay parents, your children will always be welcome at our parties and we're happy to attend yours.
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