
My son has some developmental delays and has special needs. He is in kindergarten. He knows he is not invited to bday parties of classmates. The kids talk in class, in anticipation and after the fact and it makes him sad. My heart breaks every time he comes home and talks about so and so's bowling party and didn't he get an invitation? He is bothered that the boys he calls friends don't invite him to their parties. I've set up playdates at home with the boys he likes and they seem to have a good time....
To all you awesome DCUM/D -- please, if you are planning a bday party and, say, you plan to invite all the boys in your DC class, make sure you invite ALL the boys. It would mean so much to the child who doesn't get many party and playdate invitations, and would mean SO much to the child's mom. |
This made me cry. We haven't yet encountered a similar situation, but when we do, I will remember you, and we will all try to do the right thing. |
Do you feel that your son's school/teacher set a tone of acceptance in the classroom? As a special educator and parent, your post made me really sad. We have several children with disabilities mainstreamed into the general education classes in my school. In the primary grades especially, they are very much included in out of school activities by other children and their families.
You mention that you set up playdates. Good for you! That's the first piece of advice we always give parents to make sure that they are encouraging interactions outside of school. Would you ever feel comfortable mentioning to a few parents who you've developed a relationship with how this impacts your child? How about speaking with guidance couselor at the school about encouraging a few "lunch bunches" with her and a few other students? Maybe your son would be able to develop a few closer relationships with other studetns. Hopefully, your post will encourage other parents to make sure to include those students who aren't often included. |
This is heartbreaking. This must rip you to pieces inside. I'm imagining being in your shoes and there is nothing that could hurt me more than seeing my child dissappointed in this kind of way.
Thank you for the reminder. I consider myself a very thougtful person and hope that I can teach thougfulness, compassion, and tenderness to my DS. There is not a more valuable lesson or gift you can give someone than awareness. I'm not sure if its American or human nature, but many of us live in a bubble completely unaware of the people around us. Sometimes I just think people are walking around in a state of sleep completely unaware of anything that does not impact them directly. |
My heart is breaking right now. I am so sorry your son has to go through that. I can't imagine the heartache you feel when your son comes home so sad. Shame on every single parent who 1) raises a child who would want to exclude a different/special needs kid from their party in the first place and 2) ALLOWS IT to happen.
I know there are people who say that they can only invite so many guests - well, then don't invite ANYONE. It's all or nothing, IMO, at this young age. 4/5/6 year olds can't understand why they weren't invited to a party and others were. My house could barely contain all of the kids at our last party, but it was an absolute blast and no kids were made to feel left out. There's no way I could or that to a 3 or 4 yr old! |
I'm crying right now too reading this post. My girls are too little for b-day parties but I vow I will teach them how important it is to make everyone feel included when the time comes. You sound like such an amazing mom. I'm sending you and your little boy a HUGE hug. |
Hello. I just saw your letter and it made me sad that your child is being left out. Do me a favor, let me know when your child's birthday is and I will come do a show probono, free. We'll invite everyone and make sure people know how cool he is. The Great Zucchini |
Very cool of you, Great Z. . . I feel so sad for this mom and little boy. Thank you for posting, I, too, will redouble my efforts to be kind to all of the kids in the class and make sure my son understands that all are to be treated equally and with respect. Thank you for posting. My heart goes out to you and I wish more kindness for you and your son in the future. |
Just want to echo the sentiments of the previous posters. Thanks for the reminder about thoughtfulness when in comes to things like party invites. Hugs to both you and your son. |
I'm still crying -- I posted earlier -- but I have to relate a humorous story from my childhood that the OP's post reminded me of.
My brother, not special needs, was having a party for his 6th birthday. He wanted to invite all the little boys in his class. One of those little boys, "Johnny," had not invited my brother to his birthday party that year. When my mom asked my brother if he was sure he wanted to invite Johnny even though Johnny had excluded him, my brother said, "Oh, I don't care. I want Johnny at my party!" I always chuckle when I think of how my brother was so unfazed and not retaliatory in any way. |
I am also one of the PPs but didn't see the Great Zucchini's message until just now. Totally excellent idea-- what a great way to respond to the situation, eg. having the coolest party ever! |
Hello. I would just like to add that preschoolers don't necessarily have the resourses or insight to understand that if their not the ones being left out, the hurt others might be feelin'g. They are self centered by nature. It's not their fault, it' part of their development. Their are in the molding process. Let's please not miss the boat on this, it's up to parents to teach early on, to include everyone. This is when your child is building character and his personality is forming. Remember their like sponges. Kids learn more between the ages of 1- 6 than we will learn the rest of our lives. Thanks for listening. The Great zucchini |
I'm also the mom of a special needs child -- my son is in first grade -- and I have to say I'm so heartened by the responses on this thread. Wow. Thank you to the parents of typical kids for wanting to raise your children to value and include children who are different from them. You are terrific.
My son is in a self-contained special needs class for part of the day, and mainstreamed for part of the day. We've received party invitations from the other children who have disabilities, but never from the children in the class where he is "included". This is a very valuable conversation, and I hope many others join us to share their thoughts and feelings. |
My heart goes out to you. I almost can't bear it.
In DC's school they have a policy whereby the host can either invite less than half of the boys/girls or all of them so no one feels left out. While I have never minded I know some parents do but seeing this post makes me so happy they have this policy. |
This post makes me very sad and I love this poem
The Misunderstood Child A poem about children with hidden disabilities by Kathy Winters I am the child that looks healthy and fine. I was born with ten fingers and toes. But something is different, somewhere in my mind, And what it is, nobody knows. I am the child that struggles in school, Though they say that I'm perfectly smart. They tell me I'm lazy -- can learn if I try -- But I don't seem to know where to start. I am the child that won't wear the clothes Which hurt me or bother my feet. I dread sudden noises, can't handle most smells, And tastes -- there are few foods I'll eat. I am the child that can't catch the ball And runs with an awkward gait. I am the one chosen last on the team And I cringe as I stand there and wait. I am the child with whom no one will play -- The one that gets bullied and teased. I try to fit in and I want to be liked, But nothing I do seems to please. I am the child that tantrums and freaks Over things that seem petty and trite. You'll never know how I panic inside, When I'm lost in my anger and fright. I am the child that fidgets and squirms Though I'm told to sit still and be good. Do you think that I choose to be out of control? Don't you know that I would if I could? I am the child with the broken heart Though I act like I don't really care. Perhaps there's a reason God made me this way -- Some message he sent me to share. For I am the child that needs to be loved And accepted and valued too. I am the child that is misunderstood. I am different - but look just like you. |