How do you handle it when you're in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I simply say that I'm looney...and maybe I am. I left our home on Friday morning and my DH arrived back Sunday night. Monday morning he was in the kitchen near the stove and felt heat and it turned out I hadn't turned off a gas burner on Friday, it was on low simmer. Dumb, stupid made worse that when I left I had a feeling....but I didn't do anything about it. My DH is really good about not going nuclear and I think part of it is that I don't deny it or pass blame. But I'd better not burn down the house.

But you don’t do this repeatedly

I've done it twice in the last six months.

[Anonymous]

OP: It might help if you tried to be a little more relaxed before getting behind the wheel. It sounds like you've completely psyched yourself out.

So, before driving, you should have a couple of martinis to help you relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Backstory: I'm a really bad driver and parker. I've never gotten into a bad car accident but I have fender benders fairly frequently (at least once a year, sometimes more sometimes less). But over the years, it's added up obviously and DH remembers every single one.

Well today I accidentally hit a stop sign while parking the car and he's pissed at me again. He's not giving me the silent treatment but he's icy and distant.

I don't do it on purpose but I have a really bad sense of depth perception. I keep asking if we can trade my car in for something smaller (I drive a minivan and think it would be better if I had something smaller that's easier to park like a Civic) but he refuses to consider the idea because we "need" this big car for trips and things. I kind of feel like that is setting me up to fail again. But still I know it is my fault.

How do you handle it when your partner is justifiably angry at you because you keep making mistakes?

A) If you do something wrong, take responsibility. Personally I'd feel awful if I was denting my vehicle every year, and I would say Sorry, this sux, I'll deal with it and try not to have it happen again."
B) Do not make excuses for messing up. This is a terrible bad habit. Take responsibility for your actions, do not make excuses for your actions. You will discredit yourself and lose trust.
C) Work as a team to find a solution. Here it sounds like you should be car pooling or driving the other vehicle. Just rent a big @$$ van when you need it. $250 a week max.
D) Don't mess up on purpose to pretend to prove a point. Another terrible bad habit, where you again discredit yourself and appear untrustworthy.

Healthiest way to "handle it when you're in the wrong" is to Take responsibility, Apologize, Fix it. Then everyone Moves on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I simply say that I'm looney...and maybe I am. I left our home on Friday morning and my DH arrived back Sunday night. Monday morning he was in the kitchen near the stove and felt heat and it turned out I hadn't turned off a gas burner on Friday, it was on low simmer. Dumb, stupid made worse that when I left I had a feeling....but I didn't do anything about it. My DH is really good about not going nuclear and I think part of it is that I don't deny it or pass blame. But I'd better not burn down the house.

But you don’t do this repeatedly

I've done it twice in the last six months.

yikes. adhd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Backstory: I'm a really bad driver and parker. I've never gotten into a bad car accident but I have fender benders fairly frequently (at least once a year, sometimes more sometimes less). But over the years, it's added up obviously and DH remembers every single one.

Well today I accidentally hit a stop sign while parking the car and he's pissed at me again. He's not giving me the silent treatment but he's icy and distant.

I don't do it on purpose but I have a really bad sense of depth perception. I keep asking if we can trade my car in for something smaller (I drive a minivan and think it would be better if I had something smaller that's easier to park like a Civic) but he refuses to consider the idea because we "need" this big car for trips and things. I kind of feel like that is setting me up to fail again. But still I know it is my fault.

How do you handle it when your partner is justifiably angry at you because you keep making mistakes?

Get a big car that parks itself, like the new Ford Expedition. Just test drove and it did the automatic parking thing. Pretty cool.

Otherwise, I think you and your husband have something else going on. There's a weird dynamic with him insisting you drive a care you're not comfortable with (why can't he drive the big car?) and for being icy and distant when you, presumably, apologized for denting/destroying your car. Are you a SAHM? Does he feel like you excessively spend "his" money? Do you often make excuses when you have done something that upsets him (but I didn't mean to!)? Just trying to figure out what else is going on here.

Did this step actually happen? Right away, proactively by OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just apologize. Anyone who continues to hold it over your head has problems and needs counseling to work on themselves.

Agree.

But if a pattern of errors emerges there may be another problem that needs tackling, not just healthy communication like apologizing and forgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: driving lessons

It’s really parking that is my issue and pulling out if parking lots.

I hit curbs a lot too.

It’s a spatial awareness thing which is made worse by driving a mini van.

I feel I would be so much better in a small car like a civic or a Mini Cooper.

you need PRACTICE. take drivers ed parking.

Hitting stationery objects is impatience, inattention, distraction, or just lack of trying. You may have already given up while you're ramming around in the mini-van every day. Not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Backstory: I'm a really bad driver and parker. I've never gotten into a bad car accident but I have fender benders fairly frequently (at least once a year, sometimes more sometimes less). But over the years, it's added up obviously and DH remembers every single one.

Well today I accidentally hit a stop sign while parking the car and he's pissed at me again. He's not giving me the silent treatment but he's icy and distant.

I don't do it on purpose but I have a really bad sense of depth perception. I keep asking if we can trade my car in for something smaller (I drive a minivan and think it would be better if I had something smaller that's easier to park like a Civic) but he refuses to consider the idea because we "need" this big car for trips and things. I kind of feel like that is setting me up to fail again. But still I know it is my fault.

How do you handle it when your partner is justifiably angry at you because you keep making mistakes?

Does he drive a car? He should drive the minivan you get a smaller car makes sense. Or if you are a 1-car family, get rid of the big car and rent a minivan on big trips.

The fact that he isn't willing to make a change to help you not have these fender benders IS setting you up for failure, and HE is in the wrong, not you. Or you could just stop driving. Take uber everywhere.

I actually wonder how frequently this sort of thing in general is happening - not just with car parking - but mistakes, accidents, dropped balls in other aspects of the household. Is this happening? Is it driving you each crazy in its own way?

If so, I'd suggest counseling and ADHD Inattentive testing (and if positive then meds and therapy to develop executive functioning skills).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I agree with your husband. Why on earth are you constantly getting into accidents? That’s really not normal at all. You should go be up your license and walk or take public transit before you seriously injure someone.

Agree. Grow up. Take driving lessons or something. You’re a danger, and your husband isn’t to blame for wanting nice things like cars to not look like crap and be dinged up. The answer here isn’t “he needs to accept me for who I am even though I’m a f*ckup”, it’s “I need to do better because how I am now isn’t acceptable.”

I try!

I have taken driving lessons before. I know what they entail and don’t see how they will help me.

Fwiw my van has cameras and sensors and although they help, I still have this issue. Part of the problem is, I’ll go a really long time without hitting anything then get careless like this morning when I was in a rush and distracted and hit a stop sign. Now all my good effort counts for nothing with him.

I feel like I have to just admit defeat and drive nothing but old beaters from now on.

My DH is crazy. He’s at work sending me links to expensive, albeit small new cars. He says his reason is that he wants to want to drive it too.

I need to call it a day, trade the van in, and buy a small used car for under 15-20k. Then he won’t care about dings or scratches.

That's not poor spatial awareness. That's inattentive ADHD.

Well I was pulling the car around in an circle to park and thought I had more room between myself and the sign. I didn't aim for the sign.

Be honest: Did you even see the sign at all before you hit it? Or were you focusing on other things on the road and did not see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest taking a Driver's Improvement Class. Also, I turn everything around so that people apologize to me and think that they started? it.

I do not support gaslighting and "turning things around" to pretend to be the victim. Not effective at anything but ruining relationships, usually permanently.