How often do you visit your kids once they go away to college?
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Anonymous
With all the security to get into dorms, it is difficult to just turn up. We have to text our kid to meet us. |
Anonymous
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We have two in college who are about that distance away (8 hour drive); our youngest will be about as far when she starts college in the fall. Whether you drive or fly, this is too far for a day trip. With that in mind, our typical pattern has been to see each kid once for a weekend visit sometime in October. Sometimes we've gone up for families weekend or to see them in a game; their school has a fall break, and sometimes we've actually gone up that weekend. I think one of them came home once in the fall for a family wedding.
In the second semester, we usually go up to visit for a weekend sometime before spring break. As other posters have commented, kids usually appreciate going out to dinner, and maybe going for a hike or to visit a museum. We might make a run to Target or something like that. Otherwise, we're quite capable of entertaining ourselves, so we're not cramping their style or getting in the way of their doing school work. We have friends who live in the area, so sometimes we get together with them. I think we actually spent part of one spring break with one kid, but, otherwise, schedules haven't worked out for us to be together, so the kids have done spring break trips with their friends or cousins -- sometimes service trips and other times just for fun. Oh, and, when the oldest studied abroad, I spent a long weekend with him in London. The middle kid will study abroad this year, and DH will travel to see him. We're a close-knit family, and enjoy spending time together, so we make the effort and spend the money to see them. And, it doesn't seem to have warped them in any way -- they're pretty independent -- they've had summer internships and jobs away from home every summer after the first year, and the oldest will be going to med school in a fabulous city that's a 2 hour flight away. We're looking forward to visiting him there. (And, TBH, we're looking forward to having an empty nest -- so I guess we haven't been warped either.  )
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Anonymous
Why didn't they like you? |
Anonymous
Of course. Texting and taking your kid out for lunch/shopping every now and then would be fine I would think. |
Anonymous
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The schedule is sort-of built in to the university calendar: There's drop-off with parents there or helping, usually Parent-Weekend later in the Fall which if your kids a Freshman, or less so, a Sophomore, you feel obliged to go, then Thanksgiving, Christmas break, then ... usually a visit from us during Spring, and move-home for Summer (or at least a bit of it)
And btw every 3 months feels about right for our kids that are out of college. After 2 months I'm feeling a little desperate to see them and am making plans. Once I know when we'll be together I can manage going another month... so it works out to about 4/5 year. We try to travel to them as much as they travel to us. I also place huge importance on siblings seeing each other, helping to facilitate that .. having their sibling visit at their university. |
Anonymous
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I was about 3 hrs away from home and my sister 8 hours. My parents probably came once a year to a choral performance for the group I was in. I don't think they ever visited my sister.
I also got the occasional visit if extended family was visiting my parents because I was an easy drive away in a pretty, touristy town. |
Anonymous
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My daughter is a freshman at a LAC about 6 hours away and I am surprised by how fine we are to have her off at school. She's our older child and I thought it would be traumatic but, if anything, I feel like I've seen her more than needed.
She left in August and came home for a week in Oct for break, then we went up for Parent's Weekend in early Nov, then she came home for Thanksgiving and then she was home for a month over winter break. Since leaving again for second semester we have only seen her once - she came home for spring break and then we spent a few days in FL. We get her in a few weeks and I can't believe how fast it has flown! She's interning this summer downtown so she will be here for three months then and that will be interesting to have her back. Maybe it will be harder with my baby (she's in 9th) because we're closer but I hope I'm as ok with her freedom when she leaves! |
Anonymous
| Never. They're adults. I do not even pay for college. They need to prove to themselves that they can survive on their own, and they accept the challenge. My children have been successful on their own, which makes their successes worth more to them. If they need to talk, they know my number. I'll offer advice if they ask for it, but I do not visit, and I do not hold their hands. |
Anonymous
It’s supposed to be hard. It’s even supposed to hurt. That means you love your kid— and like them as a person. But, like everything else about parenting, you do it anyway, and try not to cry when you say goodbye, because it is what is best for your kid. To grow as a person, and practice adultimg and make their own decisions and plan their own lives. And feel like they can’t do a weekend outing with a friend because mom is there, or that you can’t handle it if they stay at school for most of the summer to intern, or miss coming home for spring break to travel with friends. Of course, also let her know that if she ever needs to talk, you will answer the phone 24/7. And if she is ever sick or overwhelmed or needs you, you will buy a plane ticket and be there. That you are there— on her terms. And PP is right. It’s hard to remember, but you were a person with a full life before she was born. You can be again. Travel, dinners out with friends, getting involved in volunteering, taking a class, putting in more hours at work, getting an new hobby. After college applications are in and she starts becoming more independent and relies on you less in the lead up to leaving for college, slowly start to find your way back to things that you enjoy. |
Anonymous
| I am a grandma and I visit each of fmy grandkids twice a year at their schools. I have 3 in college now and more to come. I always ask them and tell them to say no if they prefer that I don’t come. We are very open with each other. If they want me to come I ask when is best. I stay in a nice hotel with room service and get a room with two beds do they can stay over if they want and we order breakfast in bed. Sometimes they ask me to read a paper they’re working on or to ask a professor out for dinner. Otherwise I take them and their friends out for dinner. My oldest insisted I hang out in his dorm with him the first time I came. I helped him clean up and did his laundry. My daughter ( his mom) was not happy with that aspect of my visit. Yes I spoil my grandkids but what are grandparents for? BTW none of my grandkids is a snowflake. They are all kind and independent. Perfect in fact. |
Anonymous
PP, you sound like an awesome grandma! My parents never came to see me, though I flew home at longer vacations, because my college was on the opposite coast and money was tight in their full-tuition-paying doughnut hole. We had a tense relationship when I was a teen and I didn't expect to miss them as much as I did. But I did, and envied all the students with family within a few hours drive whose parents and siblings were around much more. |
Anonymous
| I don't think I will be able to bear only seeing my child a few times a year. |
Anonymous
It's so hard but you will because not doing it bravely will mean your kid will miss out on opportunities like wonderful internships in the summer, overseas study and vacations with their friends. It's a double edged sword for us but not them. On the bright side, the relationship gets even better wih all the exciting developments they want to share with you. |