How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL's friend has been barred from having any substantive relationship with her grandson, who is 4 years old. She seems like a perfectly nice woman, but for some reason, her son and his wife will only let her see their son once every 6-8 months, even though they only live an hour away. The last time we all visited, all the son and his wife did was rant about her to DH and me, whenever MIL's friend was out of earshot. We heard about how incompetent she is (without any specific examples to back it up). When their kid would go to play with MIL's friend, they would scoff and say "what is he doing?!"

Just two stories that are representative of the dynamic:

- MIL's friend bought the kid play doh for his birthday. His mom yelled at her, saying "we don't use that in our house! bring it back to the store!"
- MIL's friend suggested the kid start to clean up his toys, since they were about to leave the house to go somewhere. The mom runs into the room, saying "I'm the only adult here! No one tells my son to clean up but me!"

Apparently MIL's friend has cried about this, since he's her only grandson. MIL doesn't know what advice to give her.

The play-doh may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that the son and DIL have repeatedly asked his mom not to give play-doh but she continues to do it anyway because she thinks her grandson should have play-doh, regardless of how much of a hassle it ends up being for the parents (such as if the kid has a tendency to throw it around, mush it into his hair, etc., instead of playing with it properly).

The clean-up thing may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that it happened at the son/DIL's house and that his mom has a long history of passive-aggressive comments and actions to suggest their house isn't kept up to her standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL's friend has been barred from having any substantive relationship with her grandson, who is 4 years old. She seems like a perfectly nice woman, but for some reason, her son and his wife will only let her see their son once every 6-8 months, even though they only live an hour away. The last time we all visited, all the son and his wife did was rant about her to DH and me, whenever MIL's friend was out of earshot. We heard about how incompetent she is (without any specific examples to back it up). When their kid would go to play with MIL's friend, they would scoff and say "what is he doing?!"

Just two stories that are representative of the dynamic:

- MIL's friend bought the kid play doh for his birthday. His mom yelled at her, saying "we don't use that in our house! bring it back to the store!"
- MIL's friend suggested the kid start to clean up his toys, since they were about to leave the house to go somewhere. The mom runs into the room, saying "I'm the only adult here! No one tells my son to clean up but me!"

Apparently MIL's friend has cried about this, since he's her only grandson. MIL doesn't know what advice to give her.

The play-doh may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that the son and DIL have repeatedly asked his mom not to give play-doh but she continues to do it anyway because she thinks her grandson should have play-doh, regardless of how much of a hassle it ends up being for the parents (such as if the kid has a tendency to throw it around, mush it into his hair, etc., instead of playing with it properly).

The clean-up thing may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that it happened at the son/DIL's house and that his mom has a long history of passive-aggressive comments and actions to suggest their house isn't kept up to her standards.

This happens with me and my mom, and overall we have a good relationship. If I've repeatedly and nicely asked her not to parent my child in regard to some particular issue, and then she does it again I will snap at her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. Are you serious?

MIL is a grown adult. Her son and his wife are grown adults. If they can't figure it out, you and your MIL aren't going to be able to fix it for them.

If that's truly the DIL's behavior, not sure it can be figured out. Sounds mighty difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL's friend has been barred from having any substantive relationship with her grandson, who is 4 years old. She seems like a perfectly nice woman, but for some reason, her son and his wife will only let her see their son once every 6-8 months, even though they only live an hour away. The last time we all visited, all the son and his wife did was rant about her to DH and me, whenever MIL's friend was out of earshot. We heard about how incompetent she is (without any specific examples to back it up). When their kid would go to play with MIL's friend, they would scoff and say "what is he doing?!"

Just two stories that are representative of the dynamic:

- MIL's friend bought the kid play doh for his birthday. His mom yelled at her, saying "we don't use that in our house! bring it back to the store!"
- MIL's friend suggested the kid start to clean up his toys, since they were about to leave the house to go somewhere. The mom runs into the room, saying "I'm the only adult here! No one tells my son to clean up but me!"

Apparently MIL's friend has cried about this, since he's her only grandson. MIL doesn't know what advice to give her.

The play-doh may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that the son and DIL have repeatedly asked his mom not to give play-doh but she continues to do it anyway because she thinks her grandson should have play-doh, regardless of how much of a hassle it ends up being for the parents (such as if the kid has a tendency to throw it around, mush it into his hair, etc., instead of playing with it properly).

The clean-up thing may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that it happened at the son/DIL's house and that his mom has a long history of passive-aggressive comments and actions to suggest their house isn't kept up to her standards.

OP here. Why are you providing inaccurate additional information? None of that is remotely true.

[Anonymous]

You all visit once every 6 to 8 months. You have no idea what the triggering event was. I think you aren't seeing the whole picture here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL's friend has been barred from having any substantive relationship with her grandson, who is 4 years old. She seems like a perfectly nice woman, but for some reason, her son and his wife will only let her see their son once every 6-8 months, even though they only live an hour away. The last time we all visited, all the son and his wife did was rant about her to DH and me, whenever MIL's friend was out of earshot. We heard about how incompetent she is (without any specific examples to back it up). When their kid would go to play with MIL's friend, they would scoff and say "what is he doing?!"

Just two stories that are representative of the dynamic:

- MIL's friend bought the kid play doh for his birthday. His mom yelled at her, saying "we don't use that in our house! bring it back to the store!"
- MIL's friend suggested the kid start to clean up his toys, since they were about to leave the house to go somewhere. The mom runs into the room, saying "I'm the only adult here! No one tells my son to clean up but me!"

Apparently MIL's friend has cried about this, since he's her only grandson. MIL doesn't know what advice to give her.

The play-doh may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that the son and DIL have repeatedly asked his mom not to give play-doh but she continues to do it anyway because she thinks her grandson should have play-doh, regardless of how much of a hassle it ends up being for the parents (such as if the kid has a tendency to throw it around, mush it into his hair, etc., instead of playing with it properly).

The clean-up thing may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that it happened at the son/DIL's house and that his mom has a long history of passive-aggressive comments and actions to suggest their house isn't kept up to her standards.

OP here. Why are you providing inaccurate additional information? None of that is remotely true.

How would you know? PP merely pointed out that there might be more to it and gave examples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. Are you serious?

MIL is a grown adult. Her son and his wife are grown adults. If they can't figure it out, you and your MIL aren't going to be able to fix it for them.

If that's truly the DIL's behavior, not sure it can be figured out. Sounds mighty difficult.

Yeah, and? Still not OP's business. Still not her MIL's business.

[Anonymous]

OP, neither you nor your MIL have the full picture of what is happening between MIL's friend and her family. You may think you know everything because of how close everyone is, but there is always more to a story. This could go back decades between MIL's friend and her son, long before he was married. You really have no idea. The fact that the son and DIL's feelings are in such contrast to what you and MIL think should raise a red flag and alert you to the fact that you don't have the whole story.

So stay out of it and advise your MIL to do the same. If MIL is venting to you, listen to her and talk with her about it. Say, "It makes me so grateful that our family doesn't have issues like that" and leave it alone. If you find yourself listening to more rants from the son and DIL, just change the subject or say, "this is really none of my business" and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.

"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.

I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.

Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.

+1 DH would love to defer to me and have me be the "Official Family Boundary Enforcer" because it would be easier on him and he could play good cop. It's specifically because of scenarios like this, where all the blame is laid at the feet of the woman while the man gets off without so much as a nasty look that I won't. I force HIM to play the bad cop when his mom wants to smoke around our kid, let an 8 year old cousin babysit, whatever because if I were the one to say No, some jackwang on the internet would be claiming I'm ruining MILs change for "any real relationship" with our DC.

wow, you sound like a real joy, PP.

NP. Why? Because she doesn't want an 8-year-old to watch her child? Because she doesn't want someone smoking in front of her child? On what planet does that make her anything other than a good mother with reasonable boundaries?

because she equated that behavior with OP's situation, when OP didn't say anything remotely similar to it.

Newsflash: it isn't "OP's situation"; it's OP's MIL's best friend's dog's psycic's great-aunt's hairstylists's situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, neither you nor your MIL have the full picture of what is happening between MIL's friend and her family. You may think you know everything because of how close everyone is, but there is always more to a story. This could go back decades between MIL's friend and her son, long before he was married. You really have no idea. The fact that the son and DIL's feelings are in such contrast to what you and MIL think should raise a red flag and alert you to the fact that you don't have the whole story.

So stay out of it and advise your MIL to do the same. If MIL is venting to you, listen to her and talk with her about it. Say, "It makes me so grateful that our family doesn't have issues like that" and leave it alone. If you find yourself listening to more rants from the son and DIL, just change the subject or say, "this is really none of my business" and leave.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL's friend has been barred from having any substantive relationship with her grandson, who is 4 years old. She seems like a perfectly nice woman, but for some reason, her son and his wife will only let her see their son once every 6-8 months, even though they only live an hour away. The last time we all visited, all the son and his wife did was rant about her to DH and me, whenever MIL's friend was out of earshot. We heard about how incompetent she is (without any specific examples to back it up). When their kid would go to play with MIL's friend, they would scoff and say "what is he doing?!"

Just two stories that are representative of the dynamic:

- MIL's friend bought the kid play doh for his birthday. His mom yelled at her, saying "we don't use that in our house! bring it back to the store!"
- MIL's friend suggested the kid start to clean up his toys, since they were about to leave the house to go somewhere. The mom runs into the room, saying "I'm the only adult here! No one tells my son to clean up but me!"

Apparently MIL's friend has cried about this, since he's her only grandson. MIL doesn't know what advice to give her.

The play-doh may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that the son and DIL have repeatedly asked his mom not to give play-doh but she continues to do it anyway because she thinks her grandson should have play-doh, regardless of how much of a hassle it ends up being for the parents (such as if the kid has a tendency to throw it around, mush it into his hair, etc., instead of playing with it properly).

The clean-up thing may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that it happened at the son/DIL's house and that his mom has a long history of passive-aggressive comments and actions to suggest their house isn't kept up to her standards.

OP here. Why are you providing inaccurate additional information? None of that is remotely true.

How would you know? PP merely pointed out that there might be more to it and gave examples.

OP wouldn't know if she's not really the MIL's friend's daughter, but rather, for instance, the grandmother herself hoping for more sympathetic responses this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL's friend has been barred from having any substantive relationship with her grandson, who is 4 years old. She seems like a perfectly nice woman, but for some reason, her son and his wife will only let her see their son once every 6-8 months, even though they only live an hour away. The last time we all visited, all the son and his wife did was rant about her to DH and me, whenever MIL's friend was out of earshot. We heard about how incompetent she is (without any specific examples to back it up). When their kid would go to play with MIL's friend, they would scoff and say "what is he doing?!"

Just two stories that are representative of the dynamic:

- MIL's friend bought the kid play doh for his birthday. His mom yelled at her, saying "we don't use that in our house! bring it back to the store!"
- MIL's friend suggested the kid start to clean up his toys, since they were about to leave the house to go somewhere. The mom runs into the room, saying "I'm the only adult here! No one tells my son to clean up but me!"

Apparently MIL's friend has cried about this, since he's her only grandson. MIL doesn't know what advice to give her.

The play-doh may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that the son and DIL have repeatedly asked his mom not to give play-doh but she continues to do it anyway because she thinks her grandson should have play-doh, regardless of how much of a hassle it ends up being for the parents (such as if the kid has a tendency to throw it around, mush it into his hair, etc., instead of playing with it properly).

The clean-up thing may sound unreasonable on its own, unless you know that it happened at the son/DIL's house and that his mom has a long history of passive-aggressive comments and actions to suggest their house isn't kept up to her standards.

OP here. Why are you providing inaccurate additional information? None of that is remotely true.

How would you know? PP merely pointed out that there might be more to it and gave examples.

OP wouldn't know if she's not really the MIL's friend's daughter, but rather, for instance, the grandmother herself hoping for more sympathetic responses this way.

Should be "would know."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.

"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.

I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.

Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.

+1 DH would love to defer to me and have me be the "Official Family Boundary Enforcer" because it would be easier on him and he could play good cop. It's specifically because of scenarios like this, where all the blame is laid at the feet of the woman while the man gets off without so much as a nasty look that I won't. I force HIM to play the bad cop when his mom wants to smoke around our kid, let an 8 year old cousin babysit, whatever because if I were the one to say No, some jackwang on the internet would be claiming I'm ruining MILs change for "any real relationship" with our DC.

wow, you sound like a real joy, PP.

NP. Why? Because she doesn't want an 8-year-old to watch her child? Because she doesn't want someone smoking in front of her child? On what planet does that make her anything other than a good mother with reasonable boundaries?

because she equated that behavior with OP's situation, when OP didn't say anything remotely similar to it.

Newsflash: it isn't "OP's situation"; it's OP's MIL's best friend's dog's psycic's great-aunt's hairstylists's situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.

"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.

I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.

Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.

+1 DH would love to defer to me and have me be the "Official Family Boundary Enforcer" because it would be easier on him and he could play good cop. It's specifically because of scenarios like this, where all the blame is laid at the feet of the woman while the man gets off without so much as a nasty look that I won't. I force HIM to play the bad cop when his mom wants to smoke around our kid, let an 8 year old cousin babysit, whatever because if I were the one to say No, some jackwang on the internet would be claiming I'm ruining MILs change for "any real relationship" with our DC.

wow, you sound like a real joy, PP.

NP. Why? Because she doesn't want an 8-year-old to watch her child? Because she doesn't want someone smoking in front of her child? On what planet does that make her anything other than a good mother with reasonable boundaries?

because she equated that behavior with OP's situation, when OP didn't say anything remotely similar to it.

Newsflash: it isn't "OP's situation"; it's OP's MIL's best friend's dog's psycic's great-aunt's hairstylists's situation.