How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're the DIL of the friend. That seems like too many degrees of separation for you to really understand the situation well, get the full story, or be in a position to help especially since you have never met the child or the child's parents and are unlikely to ever meet them. I'd stay out of it.

huh? when did I say that? I actually described a situation where we were with them. We've spent time with them multiple times, and I heard a 30 min rant from the kid's mom about how incompetent MIL's friend is (without giving any specifics).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is MIL's best friend. She's desperate to help her.

And when I say best friend, I mean they're 65 now and have been best friends since they were 16 years old.

It doesn't matter. You're getting one side of the story.

Ok, fair, but the mom of this kid also ranted to me for 30 min about how MIL's friend is massively incompetent. No evidence given for the claims.

Did you put a stop to the put downs? Stand up for MIL's friend? I wouldn't allow a friend of mine to be bad mouthed in this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're the DIL of the friend. That seems like too many degrees of separation for you to really understand the situation well, get the full story, or be in a position to help especially since you have never met the child or the child's parents and are unlikely to ever meet them. I'd stay out of it.

huh? when did I say that? I actually described a situation where we were with them. We've spent time with them multiple times, and I heard a 30 min rant from the kid's mom about how incompetent MIL's friend is (without giving any specifics).

OP sounds like she's just itching to get involved and get in the mix.

Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family can be the one you make. Maybe you and your children can become her surrogate grandchildren.

yeah, that has sort of happened already. the last time we all spent time together, she was so happy when she gave us a present for DD and we were grateful for it. she said every present she's given her grandson has been rejected by his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is MIL's best friend. She's desperate to help her.

And when I say best friend, I mean they're 65 now and have been best friends since they were 16 years old.

It doesn't matter. You and your MIL need to stay out of it. And next time you are there if the DIL starts complaining to you, do the right thing by saying, "This is between you and your mother; I shouldn't be involved in this." AND WALK AWAY.

[Anonymous]

There isn't much you can do because it's the kid's parents and they seem pretty convinced about their stance. Parents get to make the decisions about who is around their child.

[Anonymous]

Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it.

If the MIL's best friend, her DIL or her son directly ask you for guidance, you can suggest that they seek a therapist, as you are in no way qualified to be offering their family advice.

If MIL asks you for guidance, tell her to stay out of it, or to refer her best friend to a therapist, as MIL herself is in no way qualified to offer their family advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is MIL's best friend. She's desperate to help her.

And when I say best friend, I mean they're 65 now and have been best friends since they were 16 years old.

It doesn't matter. You're getting one side of the story.

Ok, fair, but the mom of this kid also ranted to me for 30 min about how MIL's friend is massively incompetent. No evidence given for the claims.

Did you put a stop to the put downs? Stand up for MIL's friend? I wouldn't allow a friend of mine to be bad mouthed in this way.

yeah, I kept saying how nice she's always been to us, and how great it is for kids to be close to their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused about how you've been together with them multiple times even though she only gets to see him every 6-8 weeks. Why were you there? Was it the friend's choice or her son and daughter-in-law who invited you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.

"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused about how you've been together with them multiple times even though she only gets to see him every 6-8 weeks. Why were you there? Was it the friend's choice or her son and daughter-in-law who invited you?

because I've been with my husband for years. these are pretty longstanding relationships all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're the DIL of the friend. That seems like too many degrees of separation for you to really understand the situation well, get the full story, or be in a position to help especially since you have never met the child or the child's parents and are unlikely to ever meet them. I'd stay out of it.

huh? when did I say that? I actually described a situation where we were with them. We've spent time with them multiple times, and I heard a 30 min rant from the kid's mom about how incompetent MIL's friend is (without giving any specifics).

OP sounds like she's just itching to get involved and get in the mix.

Good luck op.

+1

OP, go to babycenter. Plenty of people there will back up your desire to insert yourself in a situation that is none of your business.

[Anonymous]

OP, get a life, and then you won't be so tempted to insert yourself into other people's business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused about how you've been together with them multiple times even though she only gets to see him every 6-8 weeks. Why were you there? Was it the friend's choice or her son and daughter-in-law who invited you?

because I've been with my husband for years. these are pretty longstanding relationships all around.

Your OP says she only sees them every 6-8 months and that the boy is only 4 years old. No way you've been present for every meeting so this all sounds like a bunch of BS you've cooked up.