How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?

[Anonymous]

My MIL's friend has been barred from having any substantive relationship with her grandson, who is 4 years old. She seems like a perfectly nice woman, but for some reason, her son and his wife will only let her see their son once every 6-8 months, even though they only live an hour away. The last time we all visited, all the son and his wife did was rant about her to DH and me, whenever MIL's friend was out of earshot. We heard about how incompetent she is (without any specific examples to back it up). When their kid would go to play with MIL's friend, they would scoff and say "what is he doing?!"

Just two stories that are representative of the dynamic:

- MIL's friend bought the kid play doh for his birthday. His mom yelled at her, saying "we don't use that in our house! bring it back to the store!"
- MIL's friend suggested the kid start to clean up his toys, since they were about to leave the house to go somewhere. The mom runs into the room, saying "I'm the only adult here! No one tells my son to clean up but me!"

Apparently MIL's friend has cried about this, since he's her only grandson. MIL doesn't know what advice to give her.

[Anonymous]

Tell MIL to stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. Are you serious?

MIL is a grown adult. Her son and his wife are grown adults. If they can't figure it out, you and your MIL aren't going to be able to fix it for them.

[Anonymous]

This is MIL's best friend. She's desperate to help her.

[Anonymous]

She should stay out of it. And you should stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is MIL's best friend. She's desperate to help her.

And when I say best friend, I mean they're 65 now and have been best friends since they were 16 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is MIL's best friend. She's desperate to help her.

And when I say best friend, I mean they're 65 now and have been best friends since they were 16 years old.

It doesn't matter. You're getting one side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. Are you serious?

MIL is a grown adult. Her son and his wife are grown adults. If they can't figure it out, you and your MIL aren't going to be able to fix it for them.

"MIL's best friend is a grown adult," I meant to say.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a nasty daughter in law and son who will only allow you to see the grandkids based off the money/cash you give them per visit (talking thousands to support their lifestyle). Husband chooses not to see him or grandson due to their behavior. Its sad that the kid does not know his family but the behavior and money demands are bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is MIL's best friend. She's desperate to help her.

Tell your MIL that she should comfort her friend, distract her with invitations to restaurant week or a concert, be a sounding board - anything to get her best friend's mind off the situation. Basically, be a friend.

But this is between your MIL's bestie and her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is MIL's best friend. She's desperate to help her.

And when I say best friend, I mean they're 65 now and have been best friends since they were 16 years old.

It doesn't matter. You're getting one side of the story.

Ok, fair, but the mom of this kid also ranted to me for 30 min about how MIL's friend is massively incompetent. No evidence given for the claims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a nasty daughter in law and son who will only allow you to see the grandkids based off the money/cash you give them per visit (talking thousands to support their lifestyle). Husband chooses not to see him or grandson due to their behavior. Its sad that the kid does not know his family but the behavior and money demands are bizarre.

You have contributed exactly nothing to this conversation.

[Anonymous]

You're the DIL of the friend. That seems like too many degrees of separation for you to really understand the situation well, get the full story, or be in a position to help especially since you have never met the child or the child's parents and are unlikely to ever meet them. I'd stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Family can be the one you make. Maybe you and your children can become her surrogate grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is MIL's best friend. She's desperate to help her.

And when I say best friend, I mean they're 65 now and have been best friends since they were 16 years old.

Then advise her to listen, be sympathetic and say things like, "That must be so hard. I'm so sorry."