How to advise MIL's friend, who is barred from any real relationship with her grandson?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a situation in my own family, right down to the age of MIL and BFF. Weird and sad.

In my family's situation, there's no fix and no way to help. Any sort of interference would only make an awful situation even worse.

The son has made his choices blatantly clear -- his loyalty lies with his wife. Wife has been difficult (at best) since the earliest days. She's an awful person and the son is equally culpable. People try to avoid saying it, because "he's a nice guy" but there's no excuse for either of them. I tried to keep an open mind for a long time, but eventually realized that was equivalent to condoning their behavior. It's a complex situation and a very sad one for the whole family.

If they've been BFFs for that long, MIL is likely just venting her frustration at seeing her dear friend hurt over and over. There's nothing for you to actually do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused about how you've been together with them multiple times even though she only gets to see him every 6-8 weeks. Why were you there? Was it the friend's choice or her son and daughter-in-law who invited you?

because I've been with my husband for years. these are pretty longstanding relationships all around.

Your OP says she only sees them every 6-8 months and that the boy is only 4 years old. No way you've been present for every meeting so this all sounds like a bunch of BS you've cooked up.

did I say every meeting? no, I did not. I said multiple times, and yes -- we've spent time as a whole group together multiple times. we've also seen the people involved before the kid was born (when the relationships were much better). my husband has known everyone involved since he was a kid (minus the mom, though he's known her since she got together with the kid's dad).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a situation in my own family, right down to the age of MIL and BFF. Weird and sad.

In my family's situation, there's no fix and no way to help. Any sort of interference would only make an awful situation even worse.

The son has made his choices blatantly clear -- his loyalty lies with his wife. Wife has been difficult (at best) since the earliest days. She's an awful person and the son is equally culpable. People try to avoid saying it, because "he's a nice guy" but there's no excuse for either of them. I tried to keep an open mind for a long time, but eventually realized that was equivalent to condoning their behavior. It's a complex situation and a very sad one for the whole family.

If they've been BFFs for that long, MIL is likely just venting her frustration at seeing her dear friend hurt over and over. There's nothing for you to actually do.

OP here. thank you; you understand. I don't understand people attacking me -- these are not superficial relationships. these people are essentially family, and this rift has caused major problems in what used to be a happy group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a situation in my own family, right down to the age of MIL and BFF. Weird and sad.

In my family's situation, there's no fix and no way to help. Any sort of interference would only make an awful situation even worse.

The son has made his choices blatantly clear -- his loyalty lies with his wife. Wife has been difficult (at best) since the earliest days. She's an awful person and the son is equally culpable. People try to avoid saying it, because "he's a nice guy" but there's no excuse for either of them. I tried to keep an open mind for a long time, but eventually realized that was equivalent to condoning their behavior. It's a complex situation and a very sad one for the whole family.

If they've been BFFs for that long, MIL is likely just venting her frustration at seeing her dear friend hurt over and over. There's nothing for you to actually do.

OP here. thank you; you understand. I don't understand people attacking me -- these are not superficial relationships. these people are essentially family, and this rift has caused major problems in what used to be a happy group.

It doesn't matter how close you are. At all. Unless you are directly asked for advice by MIL's best friend, or the two parents, then you are gossiping and intruding. And if you are asked for advice by one of them, your advice should be to see a therapist, because YOU AREN'T QUALIFIED TO GIVE THEM ADVICE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.

"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.

I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.

"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.

I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.

Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.

"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.

I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.

Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.

yes, she's the one pushing for the separation, but he isn't trying to defend his mom, so he's responsible as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.

"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.

I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.

Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.

Totally agree with you, but either way, it's not likely to change until the DIL agrees to a change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a situation in my own family, right down to the age of MIL and BFF. Weird and sad.

In my family's situation, there's no fix and no way to help. Any sort of interference would only make an awful situation even worse.

The son has made his choices blatantly clear -- his loyalty lies with his wife. Wife has been difficult (at best) since the earliest days. She's an awful person and the son is equally culpable. People try to avoid saying it, because "he's a nice guy" but there's no excuse for either of them. I tried to keep an open mind for a long time, but eventually realized that was equivalent to condoning their behavior. It's a complex situation and a very sad one for the whole family.

If they've been BFFs for that long, MIL is likely just venting her frustration at seeing her dear friend hurt over and over. There's nothing for you to actually do.

OP here. thank you; you understand. I don't understand people attacking me -- these are not superficial relationships. these people are essentially family, and this rift has caused major problems in what used to be a happy group.

I'm trying to figure out a way to see if we are talking about the same situation, because the similarities are significant. Did MIL's friend just retire?

[Anonymous]

If you'd like to stand up for this woman, I'd do subtle things. Like tell the Son/DIL how wonderful MIL-BFF is to your children. How she's so patient and loving and your kids just adore her. How she's generous and kind with them. How lucky your kids are to have a Bonus Grandma in their lives. Things like that.

If they tell you what a witch she is, response with something like "huh. That has not been our experience with MIL-BFF".

That's about it. You can't force people to spend time or to act loving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some things aren't fixable. Hopefully as the child grows older the mom will loosen the reins and mil's bestie can have more of a relationship, but for now, I agree with pp's that lending a sympathic ear is about the only option.

"The mom" isn't the only one responsible for her child's relationship or lack thereof with the grandmother; her husband is equally responsible, if not more so, as the grandmother is his own mother.

I hate how people always blame the DIL, as if husbands/sons/brothers have zero responsibility.

I totally agree with you that the grandson's father should be facilitating a relationship, but from the story op tells, it's the kid's mom who is actively blocking it, so in that case it's the mom who has to loosen up.

Yeah, well the son can talk to his wife about that, can't he? If he chooses not to, then he is co-signing her degree of rigidity, so he is equally responsible for the lack of facilitation.

+1 DH would love to defer to me and have me be the "Official Family Boundary Enforcer" because it would be easier on him and he could play good cop. It's specifically because of scenarios like this, where all the blame is laid at the feet of the woman while the man gets off without so much as a nasty look that I won't. I force HIM to play the bad cop when his mom wants to smoke around our kid, let an 8 year old cousin babysit, whatever because if I were the one to say No, some jackwang on the internet would be claiming I'm ruining MILs change for "any real relationship" with our DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a situation in my own family, right down to the age of MIL and BFF. Weird and sad.

In my family's situation, there's no fix and no way to help. Any sort of interference would only make an awful situation even worse.

The son has made his choices blatantly clear -- his loyalty lies with his wife. Wife has been difficult (at best) since the earliest days. She's an awful person and the son is equally culpable. People try to avoid saying it, because "he's a nice guy" but there's no excuse for either of them. I tried to keep an open mind for a long time, but eventually realized that was equivalent to condoning their behavior. It's a complex situation and a very sad one for the whole family.

If they've been BFFs for that long, MIL is likely just venting her frustration at seeing her dear friend hurt over and over. There's nothing for you to actually do.

OP here. thank you; you understand. I don't understand people attacking me -- these are not superficial relationships. these people are essentially family, and this rift has caused major problems in what used to be a happy group.

I'm trying to figure out a way to see if we are talking about the same situation, because the similarities are significant. Did MIL's friend just retire?

No, she still works.

[Anonymous]

OP, nothing you can do about it. You can't fix another adult or meddle in a family you're not part of. Stay out of it and advise your MIL to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you'd like to stand up for this woman, I'd do subtle things. Like tell the Son/DIL how wonderful MIL-BFF is to your children. How she's so patient and loving and your kids just adore her. How she's generous and kind with them. How lucky your kids are to have a Bonus Grandma in their lives. Things like that.

If they tell you what a witch she is, response with something like "huh. That has not been our experience with MIL-BFF".

That's about it. You can't force people to spend time or to act loving.

+1

And if your MIL asks for advice on what to say to her friend, I'd say that the situation seems very difficult and painful and perhaps a therapist would be useful for the friend to be able to speak freely and get some guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a situation in my own family, right down to the age of MIL and BFF. Weird and sad.

In my family's situation, there's no fix and no way to help. Any sort of interference would only make an awful situation even worse.

The son has made his choices blatantly clear -- his loyalty lies with his wife. Wife has been difficult (at best) since the earliest days. She's an awful person and the son is equally culpable. People try to avoid saying it, because "he's a nice guy" but there's no excuse for either of them. I tried to keep an open mind for a long time, but eventually realized that was equivalent to condoning their behavior. It's a complex situation and a very sad one for the whole family.

If they've been BFFs for that long, MIL is likely just venting her frustration at seeing her dear friend hurt over and over. There's nothing for you to actually do.

OP here. thank you; you understand. I don't understand people attacking me -- these are not superficial relationships. these people are essentially family, and this rift has caused major problems in what used to be a happy group.

I'm trying to figure out a way to see if we are talking about the same situation, because the similarities are significant. Did MIL's friend just retire?

No, she still works.

Okay, definitely different person. This person just retired last week.

Anyway, I've had a front row seat to this sh!tshow forever. It sucks and my heart breaks for everyone but son and DIL. The only thing I do is provide moral support. Ive fully disconnected from son and DIL, as have several other family members and family friends. I don't think anyone other than son and DIL will ever understand what is really behind all of it.