How to just accept extremely frugal husband
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Anonymous
Approx 1.5M. $1M in all accounts including college and retirement funds (which I would never touch), plus another $500k in home equity across our primary home and rental property. |
Anonymous
Like I said, I want him to go along willingly and not grudgingly. I know, my hangup. |
Anonymous
For a data point, I've learned that my spouse saying "Fine just do it" or something like that is not them "agreeing grudgingly" in the usual sense of not really meaning it - it's an attempt to reconcile their fear of spending money (and history of being frugal) with their internal acknowledgment that the work needs to be done. It allows the issue to be fixed without them being the person to "spend" the money. It's a win-win in our house. When I get the "fine just do it" I do exactly that. In the beginning I got a little push back along the lines of "well I was mad when I said that I didn't really mean it" but after I explained that a rational marriage cannot withstand such irrationality, it actually became a way to get things done and everyone is happy. This is just my experience, I thought I'd offer it in case it could help. |
Anonymous
| Tell him for Xmas you want him to pick one thing to do for the house off a list of reasonable improvements. Then let him pick and see it through. He will have an appreciation for it later and it will get easier to discuss. |
Anonymous
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I haven't read the whole thread, OP, but I have a similar husband (I think).
One of the issues for us is that if the purchase feels "worth it" to him then he assumes this is correct. He is not a frivolous spender, but just as an example, if he wanted a new laptop or phone, or a new suit for work, he would do some research and then buy it. He does not feel like he has to run everything by me. This has helped me feel more comfortable with paying for stuff I know he thinks is too expensive (haircuts being a major example for us). I have learned to accept that he will never *not* worry about money, or that if he does, this will have nothing to do with me. He worried when we made 1/4 what we make now, he worries now. For the PP who said this means we'll retire early, it won't. Seriously. There is no chance he would retire early and lose out on the additional years of income. We are not in your exact situation but we own cars outright, save every month, have solid college and retirement accounts, lots of equity in our home (mortgage is 1/4 of take-home). Our bathrooms are 70 years old and not in great shape, and DH is not ready to even have a conversation about remodeling. I have planted a seed and expect it will be another 3-4 years before it takes root. If/when I get a grudging "fine, go ahead" I'll take it. |
Anonymous
| I haven't read the whole thread, OP, but I have two comments. One is I wish I had a frugal husband. I got tired of fighting about his spending and jumped on the spending bandwagon; now we are nowhere near where we should be for retirement. The other is that when you are ready to sell your house, he will wish you'd done a lot of those upgrades gradually. We're ready to downsize and discovering it's pretty hard to sell a dated house. |
Anonymous
| Here is another way to look at it, it is your house too. Not his house only. Shouldn't you feel comfortable in your own house? It doesn't sound like you are wanting extravagance, just comfort in your own home. Just not to have to cringe if you have people over and your laminate counter top is gross and peeling off, for example. I could only understand your DH if you were broke and if your actually had nice bath, kitchen, etc...granite, nice cabinetry, but you wanted something different and better. |
Anonymous
| My husband is like this, in a way. He’s frugal unless it’s something he really wants to do. I’ve been wanting to, for example, paint the living room and get new furniture for years. He won’t hear of it until we completely replace all of the hardwood floors. We get stuck in these limbos where he invalidates every change I want to make, no matter how minor. |
Anonymous
| I would pick something that you want to get done that is not too expensive. Maybe just renovate 1 bathroom rather than all of them. Don’t ask for his blessing. Just get it done. He will most likely love it once it is done. My husband never wants to spend on anything for the house either. However we are equal partners and sometimes I just ignore him. He fusses but every time, once the work is finished, he is so glad it was done, especially when friends and family come over and love the improvements. This means that I do absolutely everything that has to do with the project- pick the contractor, get estimates, pick the tile, supervise the work but I’m ok with that as I know that means the work will get done. I wish I had a partner in this but I don’t. It is ok though as he is helpful and a partner in many other ways. You can’t have everything. |
Anonymous
| Get another job and pay for the renovations yourself. Surely you know these are fairly expensive renovations you’re talking about. |
Anonymous
+1 My husband's mission in life is to monitor my spending. Sometimes I'm more responsible than other times but I know in my heart I'm not out of control. Just go ahead every once in a while. Are you giving in other areas of your life to him? |
Anonymous
ridiculous 
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