How to just accept extremely frugal husband

[Anonymous]

He is not going to agree with me and I am not going to leave him. And I am tired of having the same damn fight over and over again. He is a good man and a good father and I am not going to break up my children’s life.

So how do I just suck it up and deal? And not get so upset?

And to those thinking he was like this when I married him, no he really wasn’t. We were both poor grad students but we dreamed the same dreams back then. Not sure what happened. I think it might have been the fact that early in his career he was laid off (during the recession) and that changed his outlook.

But the reasons don’t really matter because I have no hope of changing him. How do I just stop wanting what I want?

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example of what the last fight was about?

Can you agree on a threshold where you need to consult each other before purchasing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is not going to agree with me and I am not going to leave him. And I am tired of having the same damn fight over and over again. He is a good man and a good father and I am not going to break up my children’s life.

So how do I just suck it up and deal? And not get so upset?

And to those thinking he was like this when I married him, no he really wasn’t. We were both poor grad students but we dreamed the same dreams back then. Not sure what happened. I think it might have been the fact that early in his career he was laid off (during the recession) and that changed his outlook.

But the reasons don’t really matter because I have no hope of changing him. How do I just stop wanting what I want?

What do you want?

[Anonymous]

Can you each set aside personal spending money? Maybe 40/month where no coordination is needed? (Or 100/month or whatever).

I recognize it’s all yours (your earnings together or whatever your work is), but the personal spending category would be all truly yours.

If he even wants to save or invest his personal spending, that’s his prerogative, but he doesn’t get to judge your own choice with it.

Would that help?

[Anonymous]

Did you make marriage vows? If so, what were they?

[Anonymous]

Short version: he does not want to make any cosmetic improvements to our house, ever. Maintenance only.

I just want to make a list, make a general timeline (over many years, totally reasonable IMO) and start earmarking a set amount per year towards this plan. We have the money, in cash, today to pay for everything I want without touching very generous college, retirement, or emergency funds. No debt other than our 15 year mortgage below 3%.

But none of that matters. I just need to somehow move through all of the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

[Anonymous]

I have a frugal husband, too, but also one who tries hard to ignore problems unless they interfere with his daily life.
He was a war refugee as a kid, but the same experience has not had the same effect on his brothers.

The first step was to get a joint account!

The second step is to take the lead on things that I feel have to be paid for because otherwise they will become even more expensive headaches later: home and car maintenance and repairs, doing adequate research to find the best service or part for a reasonable price, etc... Same mindset for our health (eat healthy now, pay less medical bills later), or education (pay for psychological evaluations and treat ADHD now, instead of having child fail before picking up the pieces).

Forget about gifts or pampering or that kind of crap. I'm talking about basic necessities here.

[Anonymous]

Do you both work? Do you follow a budget? Have you tried counseling? I think the larger issue here is that it sounds like you're asking how to accept not having a voice or a vote in your marriage. And that just doesn't sound good or healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have a frugal husband, too, but also one who tries hard to ignore problems unless they interfere with his daily life.
He was a war refugee as a kid, but the same experience has not had the same effect on his brothers.

The first step was to get a joint account!

The second step is to take the lead on things that I feel have to be paid for because otherwise they will become even more expensive headaches later: home and car maintenance and repairs, doing adequate research to find the best service or part for a reasonable price, etc... Same mindset for our health (eat healthy now, pay less medical bills later), or education (pay for psychological evaluations and treat ADHD now, instead of having child fail before picking up the pieces).

Forget about gifts or pampering or that kind of crap. I'm talking about basic necessities here.

OP here. I’m sorry. That sounds much tougher than what I am dealing with. We have all joint accounts. I have (in theory) full access to the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short version: he does not want to make any cosmetic improvements to our house, ever. Maintenance only.

I just want to make a list, make a general timeline (over many years, totally reasonable IMO) and start earmarking a set amount per year towards this plan. We have the money, in cash, today to pay for everything I want without touching very generous college, retirement, or emergency funds. No debt other than our 15 year mortgage below 3%.

But none of that matters. I just need to somehow move through all of the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

Hopefully, this is just hyperbole. lol. If he was the sole breading winner of the house, it's understandable (not necessarily reasonable) to understand his perspective. But if it's a dual income household, you need to make your stand firmer and not give in as much to the extent where you need to "accept". Perhaps you can compromise with him about certain cosmetic improvements that can actually appreciate the value of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you both work? Do you follow a budget? Have you tried counseling? I think the larger issue here is that it sounds like you're asking how to accept not having a voice or a vote in your marriage. And that just doesn't sound good or healthy.

Yes but he makes significantly more. We don’t really follow a budget (because income is so much more than spending and all of the various types of savings come out automatically.) We spend roughly the same each month though. He does not nitpick my daily spending but I am very very reasonable.

[Anonymous]

OP: The examples you mention would be hard for me, as well. Here are 2 observations:

Typically, home improvements bring back a substantial return on investment.

I’m older and I wish one of us was frugal. Trust me when I say, you will be very happy when you’re older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you each set aside personal spending money? Maybe 40/month where no coordination is needed? (Or 100/month or whatever).

I recognize it’s all yours (your earnings together or whatever your work is), but the personal spending category would be all truly yours.

If he even wants to save or invest his personal spending, that’s his prerogative, but he doesn’t get to judge your own choice with it.

Would that help?

This.
The scale may be larger in op’s case, since she wants to do home projects. But could he allow $600 every other month (or 300/month, or 600/year or whatever the number may be to give you what equals freedom/a hobby/a project/investing in home value)? As pp described, he would get the SAME amount to pursue a hobby or play with stocks or just save. But he should recognize a lot of marriages work like this. There are MANY common goal, but it’s normal to have differing opinions in some areas, and an equal arrangement as described can quell the differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short version: he does not want to make any cosmetic improvements to our house, ever. Maintenance only.

I just want to make a list, make a general timeline (over many years, totally reasonable IMO) and start earmarking a set amount per year towards this plan. We have the money, in cash, today to pay for everything I want without touching very generous college, retirement, or emergency funds. No debt other than our 15 year mortgage below 3%.

But none of that matters. I just need to somehow move through all of the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

Hopefully, this is just hyperbole. lol. If he was the sole breading winner of the house, it's understandable (not necessarily reasonable) to understand his perspective. But if it's a dual income household, you need to make your stand firmer and not give in as much to the extent where you need to "accept". Perhaps you can compromise with him about certain cosmetic improvements that can actually appreciate the value of the house.

I’ve tried. I wanted to move our laundry up to the bedroom level. Gave up on that and have just been trying for new machines. Wanted to redo the kitchen to change the layout, gave up on that and just tried for new counters/backsplash. Gave up on refinishing the hardwoods. We have 26 year old bathrooms,etc. I’m not asking to do all or even most just feel like we should start somewhere. But it’s truly a non-starter with him. Or he’ll just yell in anger “fine, do whatever you want!” but really who is going to move forward with that kind of endorsement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short version: he does not want to make any cosmetic improvements to our house, ever. Maintenance only.

I just want to make a list, make a general timeline (over many years, totally reasonable IMO) and start earmarking a set amount per year towards this plan. We have the money, in cash, today to pay for everything I want without touching very generous college, retirement, or emergency funds. No debt other than our 15 year mortgage below 3%.

But none of that matters. I just need to somehow move through all of the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

Hopefully, this is just hyperbole. lol. If he was the sole breading winner of the house, it's understandable (not necessarily reasonable) to understand his perspective. But if it's a dual income household, you need to make your stand firmer and not give in as much to the extent where you need to "accept". Perhaps you can compromise with him about certain cosmetic improvements that can actually appreciate the value of the house.

I don’t know if it is hyperbole. He really truly doesn’t want to do anything that is not repairing or replacing something broken. I do kind of “grieve” the loss of the house I am not ever going to have. I guess that makes me crazy.