I ran into a neighbor with someone who wasn't his wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Iwas the wife in this scenario. My now XH and I were in discussions as to whether or not we were going to separate and divorce. He decided that was an awesome time to go online and start dating. In the neighborhood we’d lived for 17 years. I had a neighbor see him out on a date (marriage was over, we were separating, not separated, but it wasn’t public knowledge yet) and she told me. I was mortified (by his behavior, not hers) because it was so embarrassing. I told her the situation, before I was really ready to share with anyone. I appreciate she told me from a place of love but I honestly wish she’d kept it to herself. It made a horrible situation even worse. I felt like everyone knew and I was the topic of the neighborhood gossip. [

This is why I agreed with the imply but give the option for avoidance that it is an open marriage. A lot of the strong emotions of having someone say something is that you, who didn’t actually cheat, feel pitied and the fool, like you are blamed or less than why the person cheated, that if you take the person back you are weak, that you are being judged in some way. This is on top of the crappy behavior by the spouse and sorting out that hot mess.

Giving the person the option to not know details and also assuming it is an open marriage is a bit more empowering and non-judgmental IMO. Like for all I know you could be kicking it with a hot young stud too and more power to you or you get to keep the money and family structure but have outsourced the sex and are fine with it. I don’t need the details, I look at it as finding what works for you. But on the off chance it is an open marriage that only one person knows is open, and you would want to know that, now you know the truth and can decide where you want to go from there.

It's this. There are like NO women in an open marriage who actually know they are. Plenty of men, though, tell their AP this is the case. OP, tell the wife what you saw. She deserves to know before her husband gives her an STD. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely stay out of it. She's not a close friend and you have no idea regarding the state of their marriage. Yes, the guy is an idiot.

If she is sending her kid over to play at their house, I can see how Op might feel uncomfortable not saying something to this neighbor. You don't have to be super close friends to have concern for the family in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not say a word. Not your business. At all.

This. Shocked at the amount of people who would say something. Totally not your place.

How is it not her place? Every single one of you would readily inform an AP's spouse to get revenge. But having one tell you your own spouse is doodly-dooing around on you is a no-go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not say a word. Not your business. At all.

This. Shocked at the amount of people who would say something. Totally not your place.

How is it not her place? Every single one of you would readily inform an AP's spouse to get revenge. But having one tell you your own spouse is doodly-dooing around on you is a no-go?

So everyone maintains this jackhole's code of silence? No. Like most women, she'd want to know. To decide for herself whether this is a deal breaker, to get herself tested for STDs, to get her ducks in a row so she isn't blindsided one day when he waltzes in and announces he wants a divorce and is moving out.

It's a crappy situation to be in, no doubt OP. But to put it another way, are you going to be a bystander to this disaster in progress or are you going to help the woman who is likely a victim? And yes, even if it's a bad/sexless/cold marriage, she is still the victim unless she has sanctioned his promiscuity (which is highly unlikely).

How will you feel if you DON'T tell her and the cheating jerk uses this time to screw her over financially or gets another woman pregnant or something?

[Anonymous]

Tell her. Next time, discreetly take a picture so there is evidence. Maybe they do have an open marriage, maybe they don't, maybe they are getting ready to separate. The wife deserves to know if she doesn't already.

Obviously the DH doesn't care if everyone knows, if he doesn't bother to hide it.

[Anonymous]

If I were you I would write an anonymous note citing the time date and place he was there and just leave something open ended like make sure you don’t forget to ask your husband where he is on this date at this restaurant and let him explain things to her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a married man and we were constantly out in public and PDA. He’d told me he was separated, so i had good grounds to believe him (he also stayed overnight at my house at least once or twice a week). I have no idea why he was so bold. Maybe he wanted to get caught, who knows? But I’m on Team MYOB.

Hmmm...the married man you dated, did he have a WOH wife or a SAH wife. Were you working and independent? Were you single?

His wife is a nurse, so regular working woman. She did not work overnight shifts from what i know now. Yes, I was single, and I am independent. I’m an attorney.

Well, completely blows the theory out of the water that men cheat on their SAH wives. Seems like men cheat on WOH wives and they mostly cheat with other working women.

How about men cheat regardless of whether their wife SAHs or WOHs? I do think men grow out of cheating in their 50s...like the current POTUS. He was having affairs like crazy in his younger years but we don't hear about him cheating on Melania. It's like men mellow in old age and think of sowing their oats as often.

[Anonymous]

*don't think of sowing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her. Next time, discreetly take a picture so there is evidence. Maybe they do have an open marriage, maybe they don't, maybe they are getting ready to separate. The wife deserves to know if she doesn't already.

Obviously the DH doesn't care if everyone knows, if he doesn't bother to hide it.

Yup. He doesn't care. I would assume that if he is out openly dating in public w/PDA in front of his own neighbors he is not trying to hide anything from anybody. His wife may know about it all ready and they are in the process of divorcing. I don't think that it's being a busy body to show concern for the family. The wife could probably use a friend right about now.

[Anonymous]

Wife here. We DO have an open marriage but PDA with someone he is dating (or I am dating) is not okay. This is our community, our families and kids live here. Going out for dinner or drinks with someone is A-OK but no kissing or hand holding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I'm surprised by the number of people who wouldn't say something. She deserves to know the kind of guy she's married to. I'd tell her. And if the tables were turned I'd hope to hell someone would tell me.

+1

Manage to run into her as soon as you can. Say how you saw her husband out at restaurant X on night Y (be specific with the location and date) and how "I was sorry to miss seeing you there too but Bill explained it was a work dinner. I didn't get to meet the coworker he was with. Next time he's got a work event in the evening or on a weekend, let me know if you want to get together for" a drink, or bring the kids over and we'll watch a movie, whatever works.

She should realize that he was not wherever he claimed to her he was at that time.

I normally would not advocate that kind of subterfuge if she were a friend of yours--I'd say directly, I saw Bill at X on date Y but not you and he was with a woman he said was a coworker; what's up? -- but as it seems she isn't close enough that you feel you can flat-out say her husband appeared to be out kissing another woman, then I'd do the innocent "Saw Bill out with a coworker but didn't meet her" thing. With the emphasis on "her."

My vote is for taking this route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a married man and we were constantly out in public and PDA. He’d told me he was separated, so i had good grounds to believe him (he also stayed overnight at my house at least once or twice a week). I have no idea why he was so bold. Maybe he wanted to get caught, who knows? But I’m on Team MYOB.

Hmmm...the married man you dated, did he have a WOH wife or a SAH wife. Were you working and independent? Were you single?

His wife is a nurse, so regular working woman. She did not work overnight shifts from what i know now. Yes, I was single, and I am independent. I’m an attorney.

Well, completely blows the theory out of the water that men cheat on their SAH wives. Seems like men cheat on WOH wives and they mostly cheat with other working women.

How about men cheat regardless of whether their wife SAHs or WOHs? I do think men grow out of cheating in their 50s...like the current POTUS. He was having affairs like crazy in his younger years but we don't hear about him cheating on Melania. It's like men mellow in old age and think of sowing their oats as often.

It's called loosing their sexual drive...

Doesn't stop them for trading in wives though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH I'm surprised by the number of people who wouldn't say something. She deserves to know the kind of guy she's married to. I'd tell her. And if the tables were turned I'd hope to hell someone would tell me.

+1

Manage to run into her as soon as you can. Say how you saw her husband out at restaurant X on night Y (be specific with the location and date) and how "I was sorry to miss seeing you there too but Bill explained it was a work dinner. I didn't get to meet the coworker he was with. Next time he's got a work event in the evening or on a weekend, let me know if you want to get together for" a drink, or bring the kids over and we'll watch a movie, whatever works.

She should realize that he was not wherever he claimed to her he was at that time.

I normally would not advocate that kind of subterfuge if she were a friend of yours--I'd say directly, I saw Bill at X on date Y but not you and he was with a woman he said was a coworker; what's up? -- but as it seems she isn't close enough that you feel you can flat-out say her husband appeared to be out kissing another woman, then I'd do the innocent "Saw Bill out with a coworker but didn't meet her" thing. With the emphasis on "her."

My vote is for taking this route.

Maybe she thought that he was at a work dinner but was not aware that "work dinner" meant romantic date with coworker...? Telling the wife that you bumped into the husband at a work dinner only reinforces the lie that this guy told his wife.

[Anonymous]

My friend does the same thing with her ap. They are both married and live in the same neighborhood. They meet for lunch everyday and grocery shop together. Make out in parking lots. I think they are so far gone they just don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend does the same thing with her ap. They are both married and live in the same neighborhood. They meet for lunch everyday and grocery shop together. Make out in parking lots. I think they are so far gone they just don't care.

Once everyone knows the wife might as well know.