I ran into a neighbor with someone who wasn't his wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Iwas the wife in this scenario. My now XH and I were in discussions as to whether or not we were going to separate and divorce. He decided that was an awesome time to go online and start dating. In the neighborhood we’d lived for 17 years. I had a neighbor see him out on a date (marriage was over, we were separating, not separated, but it wasn’t public knowledge yet) and she told me. I was mortified (by his behavior, not hers) because it was so embarrassing. I told her the situation, before I was really ready to share with anyone. I appreciate she told me from a place of love but I honestly wish she’d kept it to herself. It made a horrible situation even worse. I felt like everyone knew and I was the topic of the neighborhood gossip. [

This is why I agreed with the imply but give the option for avoidance that it is an open marriage. A lot of the strong emotions of having someone say something is that you, who didn’t actually cheat, feel pitied and the fool, like you are blamed or less than why the person cheated, that if you take the person back you are weak, that you are being judged in some way. This is on top of the crappy behavior by the spouse and sorting out that hot mess.

Giving the person the option to not know details and also assuming it is an open marriage is a bit more empowering and non-judgmental IMO. Like for all I know you could be kicking it with a hot young stud too and more power to you or you get to keep the money and family structure but have outsourced the sex and are fine with it. I don’t need the details, I look at it as finding what works for you. But on the off chance it is an open marriage that only one person knows is open, and you would want to know that, now you know the truth and can decide where you want to go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were at a restaurant and I saw them but they didn't see me since we were sat in different rooms of the restaurant. They were talking closely and kissed a few times. Definitely not friendly/platonic kissing. I went to the bathroom before we left and ran into him as he came out of the men's room. He was friendly and told me he was there for a work function. WTF. I'm friendly with his wife but not good friends. Our kids play together in the neighborhood.

DH and I know it's none of our business but why would someone choose to be seen in public with their affair partner or whoever she is? Does he really just not give a shit? This was a restaurant 15 minutes from our neighborhood.

My former stepdad would go to church, happy hour, etc with his AP. Not unusual, and aligns perfectly with the entitlement and narcissism cheaters so often have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless I was friends with her, I wouldn't say anything directly. At least not immediately.

However, if I did find myself in conversation with her, I'd probably ask something that would strongly imply that I assumed their marriage was an open one. And then see if she sweeps it under the rug or acts surprised and asks me what I mean. So basically act like I'm MYOB but really letting her know in a nice way. And I'd be the shocked one, acting like of course I just assumed it was an open marriage since he was kissing a woman on the lips repeatedly in a restaurant, hope I didn't get anyone into trouble, etc.

But I would definitely want to know, and so I'd not feel good acting like everything was fine with her, just in case it's not.

+10000.

This; same.

This is a terrible approach, so cowardly and passive aggressive. If you’re going to tell, take responsibility for it and do it directly.

I couldn't agree more. The "anonymous letter" approach also is ridiculous. Be an adult and give them the information directly, or STFU and MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I would totally mind my own business. I'd assume that they were in an open marriage under the circumstances you described. I'm not really interested in the lives of our neighbors so I wouldn't care much either way.

[Anonymous]

OP - are you sure it wasn't just a business meeting? Did you really see them kiss or are you exagerating?

[Anonymous]

MYOFB!

Life is complicated enough. Take care of your own house, and let people deal with theirs. Stop being the morality police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I notice that women agonize over informing the DW but men couldn't give a shit. Kinda like a 'bros before hos' thing, and I wonder if it makes more sense to take their approach instead of worrying about someone else's marriage. You're not his keeper.

OP here. My husband does care as well. We know it's ultimately none of our business. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors in others' homes although I don't get the sense that his wife would be ok with this. I just was curious what the thought process is behind going to a restaurant 15 minutes from your house with your mistress, showing PDA and not worrying about getting caught by someone who knows you. Is he just past the point of giving a shit?

Yep. I think that he is ready for the STHTF but he doesn't want to be the one to fire the fan up. He'll let the neighborhood "busy body" take the hit for telling his wife, destroying his marriage and breaking his family up.

He sounds like a cowardly jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is his wife a SAHM? If she is, that might explain why he's so emboldened cos he holds the purse strings.

No, she is a WOHM and as a consequence too tired to adequately take care of the children, home or her husband. He is also having an affair with another WOHM. The WOHMs tend to cheat and be cheated on with regularity because they do not have to spend time with their families and they can also use the excuse of a "work function".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a married man and we were constantly out in public and PDA. He’d told me he was separated, so i had good grounds to believe him (he also stayed overnight at my house at least once or twice a week). I have no idea why he was so bold. Maybe he wanted to get caught, who knows? But I’m on Team MYOB.

Hmmm...the married man you dated, did he have a WOH wife or a SAH wife. Were you working and independent? Were you single?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time you are talking to her I would casually mention that you saw him out at a restaurant. Then just honestly answer any question she asks.

This is the approach I would take too.

"Jenny, there is no good way to ask this, but I was surprised to see Bill on a romantic date at The Bistro the other night around 7pm. Are you guys splitting up?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a married man and we were constantly out in public and PDA. He’d told me he was separated, so i had good grounds to believe him (he also stayed overnight at my house at least once or twice a week). I have no idea why he was so bold. Maybe he wanted to get caught, who knows? But I’m on Team MYOB.

Hmmm...the married man you dated, did he have a WOH wife or a SAH wife. Were you working and independent? Were you single?

His wife is a nurse, so regular working woman. She did not work overnight shifts from what i know now. Yes, I was single, and I am independent. I’m an attorney.

[Anonymous]

I love all the MYOB from the crowd that is constantly worried if their spouses are cheating or off with a co-worker for more than five minutes. Man, you all are a neurotic bunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a married man and we were constantly out in public and PDA. He’d told me he was separated, so i had good grounds to believe him (he also stayed overnight at my house at least once or twice a week). I have no idea why he was so bold. Maybe he wanted to get caught, who knows? But I’m on Team MYOB.

Hmmm...the married man you dated, did he have a WOH wife or a SAH wife. Were you working and independent? Were you single?

I think 'he stayed overnight at my house' answers that question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a married man and we were constantly out in public and PDA. He’d told me he was separated, so i had good grounds to believe him (he also stayed overnight at my house at least once or twice a week). I have no idea why he was so bold. Maybe he wanted to get caught, who knows? But I’m on Team MYOB.

Hmmm...the married man you dated, did he have a WOH wife or a SAH wife. Were you working and independent? Were you single?

His wife is a nurse, so regular working woman. She did not work overnight shifts from what i know now. Yes, I was single, and I am independent. I’m an attorney.

Well, completely blows the theory out of the water that men cheat on their SAH wives. Seems like men cheat on WOH wives and they mostly cheat with other working women.

[Anonymous]

Definitely stay out of it. She's not a close friend and you have no idea regarding the state of their marriage. Yes, the guy is an idiot.