My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your post reeks of ignorance about mental health issues and addiction. Addicts lie and steal. They are driven to it. They cannot help themselves. A lot end up dead.

These are FACTS. Don't judge him as you would judge a healthy person.

Now with these facts, your family should never have enabled him. It simply prolongs the pain. He should have been cut off a long time ago and directed to institutional help. Families cannot force addicted adults to seek help and treatment. They just need to let go, and it's incredibly painful, but your parents should have been educated and guided to do so.

You need to drag your parents to addict meetings and therapy so they can be persuaded to cut him off. You can also tell them that you will NOT support them if their money is going to your brother. You can do this by paying the rent directly to the landlord, and similar things. You must clearly explain to your brother that he is not welcome in your neighborhood and you do not want him around your family.

The end.

So glib. Have you ever done anything like this?

Speaking as a person in recovery for years, this is the best post on the thread. It's not glib, it's the attitude one must take with an addict. The other option is to let him ruin her relationships with her children and spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to me. You need to set very firm boundaries with your parents. Boundary 1: I will not pay for the apartment you live in if you let my brother visit or live there. You are also asking for advice on a board full of people that likely don't understand addiction, so they are chiming in with answers like "I would help him" because they don't get it. This isn't a slam on them, I'm happy for them that they don't get it. I get it. Stop asking us, go to Al Anon or NarAnon. Don't worry about bringing your parents, YOU are the one that needs to go and learn to set boundaries with THEM.

Yes! This person gets it. You can't control what your parents will do but you can take actions to protect your kids and yourself by setting boundaries. You will learn this in Al Anon or through a therapist.

You nd pp have very dated advice about addiction.

I am the first poster in this quote, what the heck are you talking about? Actually, never mind. You don't know what you're talking about so it's irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is in DC--President There are public support systems in place in this country mentally ill and for addicts. These systems are not remotely perfect, but they really are the last surviving safety net for a person in your brother's position. All he has to do is to apply for them.

Here are common sense solutions:

Move your parents to an assisted living situation (only people over 55 can live there).
This will give your parents an "out" on this. They can maybe stil come to your home to do the childcare.

Medicaid will cover a reasonable living situation for a person like your brother.

He may not like who he has to live with in shared housing perhaps with other medicaid recipients...These are actually not dirty dangerous people exclusively AT ALL. Increasingly, what used to be lower middle class people find themselves on Medicaid. Because large profit taking corporations and their lobbyists have destroyed pensions and other safety nets. He will have to work--but guess what--he will get free mental health care. He will not like this. But you have to strategize and protect yourself.

What do pensions and corporations have to do with this situation? The brother is an addict, mooch, thief. OP's late 70's parents spend their retirement money on him, OP pays their rent, and they watch her children. OP's parents won't throw the bum out of he comes here from Arizona.

This is terrible. The brother, the parents who won't choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your post reeks of ignorance about mental health issues and addiction. Addicts lie and steal. They are driven to it. They cannot help themselves. A lot end up dead.

These are FACTS. Don't judge him as you would judge a healthy person.

Now with these facts, your family should never have enabled him. It simply prolongs the pain. He should have been cut off a long time ago and directed to institutional help. Families cannot force addicted adults to seek help and treatment. They just need to let go, and it's incredibly painful, but your parents should have been educated and guided to do so.

You need to drag your parents to addict meetings and therapy so they can be persuaded to cut him off. You can also tell them that you will NOT support them if their money is going to your brother. You can do this by paying the rent directly to the landlord, and similar things. You must clearly explain to your brother that he is not welcome in your neighborhood and you do not want him around your family.

The end.

So glib. Have you ever done anything like this?

I didn't write it but I no longer have a relationship with a sib. Some one has to make hard choices-it's OP's children and late '70's now impoverished parents V an addict/thief.

4 people that need care and protection V 1 person whose mere presence is harmful. The brother is the past and the children the future. Be a mother lioness.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Now it looks like what's most likely is that my dad will move back to the west where he is licensed so that he can start working again (so that he can continue to pay for my brother). I'm heartbroken that this is the reality -- that my dad will literally work himself into the grave, and that my kids will no longer have their grandparents in their lives. I know there's nothing anyone on this anonymous message board can do -- it just helps to get it out there. No one except my husband and my family know what is going on and it feels so isolating and terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You brother has been making destructive decisions all his life, and only he will have the power to change it.
Your parents have also been making destructive decisions throughout his life through their enabling, and again, only they have the power to change it.
The ONLY think you have power over in this situation is the protection of your children. That is not only in your power, it is your absolutely primary responsibility. They do not have free agency in this situation, only the adults. You must protect them.

Snipping this out, because it is such an important point. I was going to post about recognizing where you do/don't have power, and this puts it very well. This is a horrible situation, and I understand why it's so difficult for OP. And while I haven't dealt with drug addiction in my family, we were on the verge of having my ILs become homeless due to FIL's very poor decision-making (that was fueled by a gambling problem). Though I was worried about the impacts on us, I was actually willing to do quite a bit for ILs. DH, instead, drew a very narrow boundary of being willing to do just enough to keep a roof over their heads. Something I couldn't imagine wanting for my parents, nor DH for his, but something he knew through experience would be the only way to take care of his parents without enabling more of FIL's destructive behavior.

For a couple of reasons it didn't work out that way, but I think DH's instincts were right to focus on keeping his obligations to must-haves. He wanted to do everything he could to keep a roof over his parents head. He didn't have the power to make them take advantage of additional luxuries he could provide, but he did have the power to prevent himself from feeling taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Now it looks like what's most likely is that my dad will move back to the west where he is licensed so that he can start working again (so that he can continue to pay for my brother). I'm heartbroken that this is the reality -- that my dad will literally work himself into the grave, and that my kids will no longer have their grandparents in their lives. I know there's nothing anyone on this anonymous message board can do -- it just helps to get it out there. No one except my husband and my family know what is going on and it feels so isolating and terrible.

You wrote your parents are in their late '70's. It is an isolating and terrible situation. Plus as your parents age how long will he be capable of working? Independent living? Do they have other relatives and friends out there? My children are young adults-not married etc- your post is a good lesson for what NOT to do to your children/grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Now it looks like what's most likely is that my dad will move back to the west where he is licensed so that he can start working again (so that he can continue to pay for my brother). I'm heartbroken that this is the reality -- that my dad will literally work himself into the grave, and that my kids will no longer have their grandparents in their lives. I know there's nothing anyone on this anonymous message board can do -- it just helps to get it out there. No one except my husband and my family know what is going on and it feels so isolating and terrible.

You wrote your parents are in their late '70's. It is an isolating and terrible situation. Plus as your parents age how long will he be capable of working? Independent living? Do they have other relatives and friends out there? My children are young adults-not married etc- your post is a good lesson for what NOT to do to your children/grandchildren.

My dad is not in the greatest health. I don't know that he could do more than a couple years. They have no other relatives or friends out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your post reeks of ignorance about mental health issues and addiction. Addicts lie and steal. They are driven to it. They cannot help themselves. A lot end up dead.

These are FACTS. Don't judge him as you would judge a healthy person.

Now with these facts, your family should never have enabled him. It simply prolongs the pain. He should have been cut off a long time ago and directed to institutional help. Families cannot force addicted adults to seek help and treatment. They just need to let go, and it's incredibly painful, but your parents should have been educated and guided to do so.

You need to drag your parents to addict meetings and therapy so they can be persuaded to cut him off. You can also tell them that you will NOT support them if their money is going to your brother. You can do this by paying the rent directly to the landlord, and similar things. You must clearly explain to your brother that he is not welcome in your neighborhood and you do not want him around your family.

The end.

How do I drag them to meetings? They are adults too. I've told them they are enabling him and that they are just prolonging his problems and keeping him from getting well. My dad says he will "support his kids until he is broke or dead."

Surely as a parent you can understand this, no? I'm not saying your dad is doing it right, but at least try to see where he is coming from. That brother you hate so much is your parents' son. The son they love ever bit as much as you love your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your post reeks of ignorance about mental health issues and addiction. Addicts lie and steal. They are driven to it. They cannot help themselves. A lot end up dead.

These are FACTS. Don't judge him as you would judge a healthy person.

Now with these facts, your family should never have enabled him. It simply prolongs the pain. He should have been cut off a long time ago and directed to institutional help. Families cannot force addicted adults to seek help and treatment. They just need to let go, and it's incredibly painful, but your parents should have been educated and guided to do so.

You need to drag your parents to addict meetings and therapy so they can be persuaded to cut him off. You can also tell them that you will NOT support them if their money is going to your brother. You can do this by paying the rent directly to the landlord, and similar things. You must clearly explain to your brother that he is not welcome in your neighborhood and you do not want him around your family.

The end.

How do I drag them to meetings? They are adults too. I've told them they are enabling him and that they are just prolonging his problems and keeping him from getting well. My dad says he will "support his kids until he is broke or dead."

Surely as a parent you can understand this, no? I'm not saying your dad is doing it right, but at least try to see where he is coming from. That brother you hate so much is your parents' son. The son they love ever bit as much as you love your children.

No I don't understand it. They aren't supporting him. They are supporting his addiction. And they are throwing the rest of their kids under the bus and damaging our financial futures... Because we now have to financially support our parents. So the only thing they're supporting is my brother's drug dealer, while actively hurting the rest of their kids. So no, you're wrong.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. This is such a tough situation.

I agree with PP that you need to be attending al-anon and if you can, therapy. Your OP shows you viewing your brother as though he is healthy and capable in the same way you are healthy and capable. He isn't. He has a disease. It is OK and normal to be angry but it isn't the best place to be in if you are trying to resolve the situation.

I think you need to come up with your boundaries and stick with them. Having your children not around your brother seems like a reasonable and sensible boundary to me. Al-anon and therapy will help you with all of this. Sounds like you and your sister are united and should support one another with this.

As depressing as it is for your dad to be dealing with this at this stage in life, he and your mom also have some responsibility in creating this situation from the years of enabling your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a different childcare arrangement. Help your parents apply for low income housing and find other jobs. If your brother does move to the area, it's unreasonable to think you will be able to keep him away from your kids if your kids are in your parents care regularly.

Boundaries are key when dealing with this level of mental illness.

Your parents are incapable of setting them with your brother; honestly you have issues too since you were paying for their rent even before you knew all the money was gone (or you were taking their free childcare? Either way, holidays and family dinners)

You can't keep them from their son, so you must get your own childcare and have them find assisted housing. I would have then pursue bankruptcy as well; that will help them prioritize and maybe enforce their limitations on what they give your brother.

You do not want to the one paying rent (are you on the lease?) for the place where your brother lives; as a loose cannon you could be liable for damage etc.

Al-anon stat.

Excellent advice. OP, read it again and again until it sinks in.

I am sorry for you, but be strong for yourself and kids.

My parents are giving me free childcare -- I pay for them to live rent free while they watch my kids. I guess I didn't make that clear enough before -- they are being paid in kind with free rent, and I get the bonus of having my nice parents care for my kids. I can certainly hire an au pair or nanny to care for my children, but I can't afford to also pay for my parents' rent if I do that. I am not that wealthy. I realize that if my brother moves out here I wil lnot be able to stop him being around my parents, which means it would no longer be acceptable for my parents to provide childcare for my kids. I've told them that. I want to prevent him moving here at almost any cost, but I am not willing to pay off his debts unless he gets in a treatment program.

You mustn't spend any more energy monitoring the actions of your brother. He is beyond your help or control. Do NOT pay of his debts in exchange for treatment, because he will walk out of that treatment facility. Don't have anything to do with him.

You are right that your parents cannot watch your kids anymore. You will need to check each time you see them that your brother will not tag along, and if that's the case, you just turn around and go home.

If they let him sleep in their apartment, you do not pay the rent (that you won't be able to afford anyway, so that's moot).

This is really the end of the road for you and your family, OP. If your parents are unwilling to cut your brother off, you will not be interacting with them to the level you have in the past. It's THEIR choice and THEIR guilt. You need to look out for your finances and your children.

[Anonymous]

I am so sad and sorry to hear your story. It must be so difficult for you. My sympathy and know you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your post reeks of ignorance about mental health issues and addiction. Addicts lie and steal. They are driven to it. They cannot help themselves. A lot end up dead.

These are FACTS. Don't judge him as you would judge a healthy person.

Now with these facts, your family should never have enabled him. It simply prolongs the pain. He should have been cut off a long time ago and directed to institutional help. Families cannot force addicted adults to seek help and treatment. They just need to let go, and it's incredibly painful, but your parents should have been educated and guided to do so.

You need to drag your parents to addict meetings and therapy so they can be persuaded to cut him off. You can also tell them that you will NOT support them if their money is going to your brother. You can do this by paying the rent directly to the landlord, and similar things. You must clearly explain to your brother that he is not welcome in your neighborhood and you do not want him around your family.

The end.

How do I drag them to meetings? They are adults too. I've told them they are enabling him and that they are just prolonging his problems and keeping him from getting well. My dad says he will "support his kids until he is broke or dead."

Surely as a parent you can understand this, no? I'm not saying your dad is doing it right, but at least try to see where he is coming from. That brother you hate so much is your parents' son. The son they love ever bit as much as you love your children.

No I don't understand it. They aren't supporting him. They are supporting his addiction. And they are throwing the rest of their kids under the bus and damaging our financial futures... Because we now have to financially support our parents. So the only thing they're supporting is my brother's drug dealer, while actively hurting the rest of their kids. So no, you're wrong.

As a parent [I posted and id'ed myself as a parent of adult children] I can understand what OP's parents are doing. But, I would so immerse myself in the problems/issues of 1 that other children and grandchildren are impacted in many ways-financial, safety, etc.

The OP's parents are ruined financially and sadly seem more than willing to enmesh their DD in the problems. An approx. 77 year old man moving to AX so he can work to give his son spending money-rent, food, and whatever. Or just drugs and partying. Is he supposed to live with the son? Elderly man shuddering in a back bedroom while the son and his friends party/drink in the LR. What vacate his room while addicts turn tricks in his bed? Clean up needles? It is just ridiculous. Will he earn enough to have his own residence and 1 for his son? I assume no so maybe my description is apt of the elderly man's potential living situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry OP. This is such a tough situation.

I agree with PP that you need to be attending al-anon and if you can, therapy. Your OP shows you viewing your brother as though he is healthy and capable in the same way you are healthy and capable. He isn't. He has a disease. It is OK and normal to be angry but it isn't the best place to be in if you are trying to resolve the situation.

I think you need to come up with your boundaries and stick with them. Having your children not around your brother seems like a reasonable and sensible boundary to me. Al-anon and therapy will help you with all of this. Sounds like you and your sister are united and should support one another with this.

As depressing as it is for your dad to be dealing with this at this stage in life, he and your mom also have some responsibility in creating this situation from the years of enabling your brother.

WTF? The parents do not bear responsibility for the situation of their adult son.