My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother lives in Arizona. I recently learned from my parents that he is homeless and living in his pickup truck. I just don't know what to do anymore -- PLEASE I need some outside advice.

Over his whole life my brother has been a liar, a thief, an addict. It started in college when he lied to my parents and said he was going to college -- he took the tuition money and used it on drugs. He has only a high school education.

He has gone from job to job, state to state over the course of over a decade. His credit is trashed and he owes at least $10,000 that has been sent to collections. He was a heroin addict for years, but says he is now clean. He refuses to go to AA, a psychologist, or get any treatment or help.

My brother's problems are one thing, but he has completely trashed my parents' lives (and soon mine). My father is a very loving, trusting person. He has been supporting my brother (and his drug habit) for YEARS. I learned last weekend that my father, who has been retired for a few years, has NOTHING left in his retirement account. It's gone. He told me he needs to go back to work now. My mom and dad currently live near me, and I pay their rent while they watch my toddlers during the day. They have nothing left for their old age. They are in their late 70s.

Now my brother says he wants to move out to the DC area to "be with family." He is a stain and I don't want him anywhere near my kids. My parents, of course, will just accept him into the apartment (that I pay for).

What should I do? I can't have my kids around my brother. I can't afford to hire a nanny and pay for my parents' place. But they have no more money. Why can't a 35-year-old man live without mom and dad's help?

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Because he has a mental illness.

If it were my brother, I would help him because I wouldn't be able to deal with thinking of him homeless, and because I've lost other immediate family members. But I would tell him that help is contingent upon him remaining in treatment. I would not help him if he refused treatment/therapy.

But no one would blame you if you want nothing to do with him, either. Concern for your children is a valid one.

It's tough.

So let's skip ahead a bit, since OP has already tried that option. Brother will not go to or stay in treatment. So, what do you suggest she do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your post reeks of ignorance about mental health issues and addiction. Addicts lie and steal. They are driven to it. They cannot help themselves. A lot end up dead.

These are FACTS. Don't judge him as you would judge a healthy person.

Now with these facts, your family should never have enabled him. It simply prolongs the pain. He should have been cut off a long time ago and directed to institutional help. Families cannot force addicted adults to seek help and treatment. They just need to let go, and it's incredibly painful, but your parents should have been educated and guided to do so.

You need to drag your parents to addict meetings and therapy so they can be persuaded to cut him off. You can also tell them that you will NOT support them if their money is going to your brother. You can do this by paying the rent directly to the landlord, and similar things. You must clearly explain to your brother that he is not welcome in your neighborhood and you do not want him around your family.

The end.

How do I drag them to meetings? They are adults too. I've told them they are enabling him and that they are just prolonging his problems and keeping him from getting well. My dad says he will "support his kids until he is broke or dead."

Try pitching the meetings as a way to talk to others who are going through similar situations, and a way to learn how best to help your brother. Ask them to go with you because you love them and really want them to support you in this.

And stop telling your parents that they should cut off your brother. They aren't going to do that, and they see that as incompatible with their love for their children. Look at your kids and imagine telling one of them that you want nothing more to do with him, that he is no longer welcome in your home. That would break your heart, right? Your parents probably know they can't fix your brother, but if they abandoned him and something happened to him, they would never forgive themselves. This is such an awful, hard, heartbreaking situation for them. Protect your own kids, but have sympathy for your parents.

[Anonymous]

What is your parents' response if you say exactly this to them? Ie straight up voicing that you don't know what to do, because given his substance issues you are NOT okay with your brother being around your kids...and you just cannot afford to both pay for this apartment and a separate childcare provider?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look into low income senior housing and assisted living situations where he cannot live there. Your parents need to apply for food stamps and medical (assuming they are getting social security). You need to tell them that you cannot afford child care and their housing and its one or the other but brother is not to be around your kids. In some areas here, like Montgomery County, there are free treatment programs. he needs to go to one.

Except that's not true.

I think that you focus on taking care of your parents, who, while they might be enabling your brother, also understandably don't want to abandon their child. It's easy to say "cut him off," but when it's your child, it's very hard for some people to do (as it should be! We want our parents to love us unconditionally!) I agree--help them apply for any benefits they might qualify for, and give them assistance in non-cash forms so they can't give it to your brother (have groceries delivered, pay rent directly, etc.). And do make clear that your brother is not welcome in the apartment you pay for, and may not be around your kids ever, even if they are also there. Enforce that by calling the cops if needed.

Talk to your siblings about making a plan to help your parents as they age. If you are all on the same page about your brother, that will help enormously. Do look into options like assisted living and senior housing.

You are not going to be able to make your brother do anything he doesn't want to, and it sounds like he has a serious drug addiction and probably some other serious mental health issues.

She said that they are her childcare. So what about that statement isn't true? She's spending the money on their rent that she would have to spend on a nanny/daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your post reeks of ignorance about mental health issues and addiction. Addicts lie and steal. They are driven to it. They cannot help themselves. A lot end up dead.

These are FACTS. Don't judge him as you would judge a healthy person.

Now with these facts, your family should never have enabled him. It simply prolongs the pain. He should have been cut off a long time ago and directed to institutional help. Families cannot force addicted adults to seek help and treatment. They just need to let go, and it's incredibly painful, but your parents should have been educated and guided to do so.

You need to drag your parents to addict meetings and therapy so they can be persuaded to cut him off. You can also tell them that you will NOT support them if their money is going to your brother. You can do this by paying the rent directly to the landlord, and similar things. You must clearly explain to your brother that he is not welcome in your neighborhood and you do not want him around your family.

The end.

How do I drag them to meetings? They are adults too. I've told them they are enabling him and that they are just prolonging his problems and keeping him from getting well. My dad says he will "support his kids until he is broke or dead."

Easy if you hold the purse-strings, OP. But with your father's attitude, you don't need to do that. You just need to write checks for their rent instead of giving them cash that they will pass on to your brother. And if you can't afford to look after their basic needs AND your own family's, then you stop helping and focus on your own needs. They made this choice and now have to live with it. Your priority is to your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably tell my parents to choose between him or me. But I have not been in your situation. I have cut contact with toxic cousins in my family, but my siblings are all sane.
Maybe family therapy with your parents would help.

OMG. No, don't do that.

Do not do that. What a horrible choice to foist on your parents. And it's possible that they will feel obligated to side with their neediest child, and then their lives will be totally ruined, too.

They are your parents. They are in a horrible situation. My mom is struggling with the same thing, although not so extreme--one the one hand, she knows that some of her choices are enabling my sibling's bad choices. On the other hand, she can't imagine letting her child become homeless or be sick and starving. I view my role as supporting her, not creating more problems for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look into low income senior housing and assisted living situations where he cannot live there. Your parents need to apply for food stamps and medical (assuming they are getting social security). You need to tell them that you cannot afford child care and their housing and its one or the other but brother is not to be around your kids. In some areas here, like Montgomery County, there are free treatment programs. he needs to go to one.

Except that's not true.

I think that you focus on taking care of your parents, who, while they might be enabling your brother, also understandably don't want to abandon their child. It's easy to say "cut him off," but when it's your child, it's very hard for some people to do (as it should be! We want our parents to love us unconditionally!) I agree--help them apply for any benefits they might qualify for, and give them assistance in non-cash forms so they can't give it to your brother (have groceries delivered, pay rent directly, etc.). And do make clear that your brother is not welcome in the apartment you pay for, and may not be around your kids ever, even if they are also there. Enforce that by calling the cops if needed.

Talk to your siblings about making a plan to help your parents as they age. If you are all on the same page about your brother, that will help enormously. Do look into options like assisted living and senior housing.

You are not going to be able to make your brother do anything he doesn't want to, and it sounds like he has a serious drug addiction and probably some other serious mental health issues.

Huh? From reading the OP it sounds like that IS true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look into low income senior housing and assisted living situations where he cannot live there. Your parents need to apply for food stamps and medical (assuming they are getting social security). You need to tell them that you cannot afford child care and their housing and its one or the other but brother is not to be around your kids. In some areas here, like Montgomery County, there are free treatment programs. he needs to go to one.

Except that's not true.

I think that you focus on taking care of your parents, who, while they might be enabling your brother, also understandably don't want to abandon their child. It's easy to say "cut him off," but when it's your child, it's very hard for some people to do (as it should be! We want our parents to love us unconditionally!) I agree--help them apply for any benefits they might qualify for, and give them assistance in non-cash forms so they can't give it to your brother (have groceries delivered, pay rent directly, etc.). And do make clear that your brother is not welcome in the apartment you pay for, and may not be around your kids ever, even if they are also there. Enforce that by calling the cops if needed.

Talk to your siblings about making a plan to help your parents as they age. If you are all on the same page about your brother, that will help enormously. Do look into options like assisted living and senior housing.

You are not going to be able to make your brother do anything he doesn't want to, and it sounds like he has a serious drug addiction and probably some other serious mental health issues.

She said that they are her childcare. So what about that statement isn't true? She's spending the money on their rent that she would have to spend on a nanny/daycare.

Right, so why would she tell them she can't afford that situation? Unless she's threatening to stop paying their rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your parents' response if you say exactly this to them? Ie straight up voicing that you don't know what to do, because given his substance issues you are NOT okay with your brother being around your kids...and you just cannot afford to both pay for this apartment and a separate childcare provider?

They say that they're sure my brother could get a job if he moved out here and afford his own apartment. And by the way, wouldn't it be OK for my brother just to visit during the day and chat with family and the kids.

That's their response (we all know that he couldn't get an apartment with his credit, and that he has never held a job for longer than 3 months). I've told them that I love my brother and them, but that I can't have him around my children. And that if he is around my children, I will have to get an au pair or nanny to watch the children and that I wouldn't be able to afford paying their rent. They just don't acknowledge the reality and think everything will work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look into low income senior housing and assisted living situations where he cannot live there. Your parents need to apply for food stamps and medical (assuming they are getting social security). You need to tell them that you cannot afford child care and their housing and its one or the other but brother is not to be around your kids. In some areas here, like Montgomery County, there are free treatment programs. he needs to go to one.

Except that's not true.

I think that you focus on taking care of your parents, who, while they might be enabling your brother, also understandably don't want to abandon their child. It's easy to say "cut him off," but when it's your child, it's very hard for some people to do (as it should be! We want our parents to love us unconditionally!) I agree--help them apply for any benefits they might qualify for, and give them assistance in non-cash forms so they can't give it to your brother (have groceries delivered, pay rent directly, etc.). And do make clear that your brother is not welcome in the apartment you pay for, and may not be around your kids ever, even if they are also there. Enforce that by calling the cops if needed.

Talk to your siblings about making a plan to help your parents as they age. If you are all on the same page about your brother, that will help enormously. Do look into options like assisted living and senior housing.

You are not going to be able to make your brother do anything he doesn't want to, and it sounds like he has a serious drug addiction and probably some other serious mental health issues.

She said that they are her childcare. So what about that statement isn't true? She's spending the money on their rent that she would have to spend on a nanny/daycare.

Right, so why would she tell them she can't afford that situation? Unless she's threatening to stop paying their rent.

Dude. Go read the OP. They are currently taking care of her children, and in return she is paying for their apartment. If they can no longer be her childcare (because the brother is now living with them, and she doesn't want her kids around him...) then she is going to have to pay someone else for childcare. Because of this new expense, she would no longer ALSO be able to pay for the apartment for her parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your parents' response if you say exactly this to them? Ie straight up voicing that you don't know what to do, because given his substance issues you are NOT okay with your brother being around your kids...and you just cannot afford to both pay for this apartment and a separate childcare provider?

They say that they're sure my brother could get a job if he moved out here and afford his own apartment. And by the way, wouldn't it be OK for my brother just to visit during the day and chat with family and the kids.

That's their response (we all know that he couldn't get an apartment with his credit, and that he has never held a job for longer than 3 months). I've told them that I love my brother and them, but that I can't have him around my children. And that if he is around my children, I will have to get an au pair or nanny to watch the children and that I wouldn't be able to afford paying their rent. They just don't acknowledge the reality and think everything will work out.

Ugh...that's so frustrating, I'm sorry. I guess someone is going to have the be the "tough love" person in this scenario, and it sucks that it will have to be you.

[Anonymous]

I agree with going to Al-Anon. Keep looking if you don't like the first group you try, they all have their own vibe. VERY helpful for family members of addicts, and also for how to deal with other family members' enabling behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm very sorry for this difficult situation you are faced with. In addition to Al-Anon I would recommend talking to a therapist who specializes in addiction to get some concrete advice on how best to handle this situation. Babette Wise at Georgetown is very good and she works with families of addicts.

[Anonymous]

When he is ready to get help, tell him you help him find an AA program in Arizona. Tell him he can't stay in DC and it's cold here.

Don't let him take everyone down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably tell my parents to choose between him or me. But I have not been in your situation. I have cut contact with toxic cousins in my family, but my siblings are all sane.
Maybe family therapy with your parents would help.

OMG. No, don't do that.

Do not do that. What a horrible choice to foist on your parents. And it's possible that they will feel obligated to side with their neediest child, and then their lives will be totally ruined, too.

They are your parents. They are in a horrible situation. My mom is struggling with the same thing, although not so extreme--one the one hand, she knows that some of her choices are enabling my sibling's bad choices. On the other hand, she can't imagine letting her child become homeless or be sick and starving. I view my role as supporting her, not creating more problems for her.

People who advise what the PP does truly do not understand. Some adult kids are black holes and will suck everyone in with them. It's terrible but what happened in our family.