Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party

[Anonymous]

To a big degree I think that Op blew it by inviting everyone over for a sleepover after the big party.

Maybe it would have been better to do the sleepover the next day and invite the other 10 to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

2. You can do better next time.
If my budget cannot accommodate that group, then I scale back the party rather than separate the group. It is always better to be socially sensitive, rather than focus too much on planning the perfect party!

I whole heartedly agree with you, and would want our kids to be friends. Yes, of course OP you are free to plan whatever celebration you want for whatever celebration you want. BUT when they exclude people, you don't get to be surprised or indignant there are hurt feelings. Telling the other family, even just in your head "that's life" and they should just accept it, says to me that you didn't consider other kids feelings. If this is the only kid who was excluded from your daughter's social circle, it sure seems to me there was room in the budget to make it extra special and include one more. At the end of the day, and our memories of childhood, it is the friendships and experiences that count not the goody bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1. You did nothing wrong. Please do not apologize or justify yourself to anyone.

2. You can do better next time.
What I do is customize the party to the circle of friends involved (mine, or my husband's, or the friends of our children, family, etc). This means that I do not separate friends or family members of equal importance who are part of the same social group because it inevitably leads to resentment. If my budget cannot accommodate that group, then I scale back the party rather than separate the group. It is always better to be socially sensitive, rather than focus too much on planning the perfect party!

I love this advice spot on. You need not invite all but there should be sensitivity with regards to the guest list. If not, there will be fallout which you need to accept OP.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, you just guaranteed that the "new girl," who was doing a good job of making new friends, is now going to feel sad and uncomfortable with those new friends. And you taught your daughter that the new kid is never as important as old friends.

How long does a new family have to be in your neighborhood before they're really accepted?

[Anonymous]

You sound pretty awful, OP. I’m sure the neighborhood gossip is much worse than you imagine. Even if my child had been one of the lucky girls who made the cut, I would begin to distance from you. I certainly wouldn’t encourage my daughter to be friends with yours.

Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should.

[Anonymous]

At age 10 there is no requirement to invite anyone in the neighborhood who a child may play with. That's absurd. At that age you invite your friends. not acquantances. The other mom is the one who is wrong here. She 1) needs to grow a thicker skin and 2) so she does not invite this child to her child's party (and I would not expect her to anyway). Posters says OP is wrong are deranged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At age 10 there is no requirement to invite anyone in the neighborhood who a child may play with. That's absurd. At that age you invite your friends. not acquantances. The other mom is the one who is wrong here. She 1) needs to grow a thicker skin and 2) so she does not invite this child to her child's party (and I would not expect her to anyway). Posters says OP is wrong are deranged.

If your child is blessed enough to have so many friends than she should be kind (and wise) enough to not take any of them for granted. Op could have planned the venue party and invited her daughters friends from outside of the neighborhood. And then she could have had a cookie baking, nail painting, movie watching, pinata party with her friends in the neighborhood and invited some or all of them to sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter just turned 10 years old we threw an all bells and whistles party for her. We normal do smaller parties, but since she turned 10 we decided to celebrate at a very expensive venue followed by dinner at her favorite restaurant, a sleep over and a great goody bag. The only rules were: You can only invite 8 girls and one of them must be your cousin (who she would have picked anyway). We budgeted for 10 girls because we knew she would beg for 1 or 2 other ones and she did. The cost per kid is over $150, so 10 was the absolute max. She invited her cousin, her 2 closest friends from the competitive sport team she's been playing for, 3 friends from school, 3 neighborhood friends, and a girl she's been friends with since they were little. She could have invited 10 other girls who she still considers close to her, but we set a max. In the neighborhood my daughter plays with 4 girls. She is close with 2 of them and we have all been neighbors for 5 years. The other girl's family moved to the neighborhood about a year ago. My daughter plays with the girl outside but she's not particularly close with her, and she was not one of the girls she invited. One of my neighbors, who is friends with the new girl's parents told me that the girl's mother told her that my daughter was excluding her daughter and that I should have made her invite her so she wouldn't have felt left out. Then the other day, a neighborhood child told my daughter that his mother said that it wasn't nice to leave (little girl's name) out. Now, my daughter has many close friends she would have also liked to invite (before neighbor), it just wasn't possible. But I'm annoyed this lady is going around saying that we are excluding her child. My daughter doesn't get invited to all birthdays, it is normal, isn't it?

So if your DD has 4 neighborhood friends,
And you invited three?

Yeah that sucks.

[Anonymous]

Here’s a possible scenario:

New Mom and new girl are in front yard, talking with some neighbors.

“Newbie, are you excited about Larla’s birthday party this weekend? I heard it’s going to be really over the top!”

“Um, no.” Visibly upset Newbie walks away.

Sad New Mom to neighbor: “Well. That sucks.”

Now people say New Mom is upset daughter wasn’t invited + that neighbor who accidentally blabbed and witnessed Newbie’s hurt feelings says OP shouldn’t have done that.

It doesn’t mean New Mom is gossiping all over the neighborhood. It may also have been one of the invited girls or her Mom who stuck her foot in her mouth.

Btw, re:math. I think 4 girls play together, including birthday girl. 3 girls have been together 5 years, and they (2+ birthday girl) went to party while 1 newer friend stayed home. While the birthday girl might not feel as close to the new girl, these girls may well be the closest friends the new girl has.

I find the OP to be phenomenally insensitive to what life is like as a new girl. The high end goodie bag further creates separation between who made the cut and who didn’t, since who has the items and who doesn’t is a division that lasts long after the party is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.

As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.

100% this.

OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.

In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.

As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.

100% this.

OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.

In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.

I would definitely not create a scene over this, but this would say volumes about what I and my friendship meant to this woman. And that would be, she does not value it. Friendship is a 2 way road and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.

As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.

100% this.

OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.

In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.

I agree as well, and weddings are a perfect analogy. I think all of us have found out about weddings that we weren't invited to, for people we felt close to, colleagues or friends. We move on in a mature way. We get the limitations about space and cost, and don't let it get to us.

This exact situation happened with my ten year old who wasn't invited to a good friend's sleepover birthday party, which I believe was about 5-6 girls if that. I said to her, "Oh sweetie, I know you are bummed but you know she would have invited you if she could! It is what it is. Let's celebrate her birthday on a different day!" And we invited the birthday girl over for a sleepover, and the girls moved on. They are still good friends a year later, probably closer.

Ten is a lot for a birthday party at this age, even if it were a more low key bbq. It's developmentally appropriate to start having smaller gatherings.

I do agree that OP, you should have a frank discussion with your daughter about being sensitive by not bragging, keeping it quiet, etc. It's possible she was boasting and you don't realize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.

As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.

100% this.

OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.

In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.

I would definitely not create a scene over this, but this would say volumes about what I and my friendship meant to this woman. And that would be, she does not value it. Friendship is a 2 way road and all that.

NP but why? Maybe she has twenty million cousins her parents were pressuring her to include, and it was already a bigger affair than she personally wanted. I can think of many reasons a friend wouldn't be included in a wedding that don't mean she doesn't value the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.

As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.

100% this.

OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.

In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.

Did they go out for drinks with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.

As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.

100% this.

OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.

In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.

I would definitely not create a scene over this, but this would say volumes about what I and my friendship meant to this woman. And that would be, she does not value it. Friendship is a 2 way road and all that.

Nah. Because you know what? It's her event. I know why I made the guest list I made for my wedding. Not everyone was on it either. I was not about to allow one event to overshadow everything else I love about this woman and our friendship.

Ditto a birthday party. If someone doesn't invite my daughter to their birthday party but continues to want to play with her, I would assume that there was some kind of limit on the number of people they could invite and look at the rest of the friendship. In the OP's case, the mom is upset because her daughter felt excluded. That's understandable. I'm sad when my daughter is excluded from things too. My job as a parent, however, is to help DD learn how to manage disappointment, not to intimidate people in order to shield her from disappointment.