If you respect and admire your husband I envy you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he have this job when you married him? Then it’s on you. And you need to get over your resentment or let him go. He sounds perfectly fine. A job he’s good at and which makes a decent living to boot. His only negative is an status obsessed spouse.

First of all, working at State is not that cool, DC or not. Don't you all do like 5 years of pushing visa papers around to begin with? Now if you said Carlyle, NEA, Revolution, CBRE, or some lobbyist firm I'd be impressed.

Second of all, you are clearly jealous of your husband Op. he makes too much money for what he does, it's fascinating work but not cerebral enough for you, he gets lots of fun comments at parties,etc etc. Do you hear yourself?!? Why do you loathe your spouse so much? Wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a great guy but he’s kind of a lightweight. He has a funny job that people make fun of him for and he doesn’t really have any gravitas or status in our social circle.

I see friends who admire and respect their husbands and their opinions and I wish I had that. I feel that I can’t trust his judgement. He’s not serious enough.

What's your impressive job? How much gravitas or status do you have in your social circle? How much more $$ do you make than your husband?

I work at State. No mean to brag but it is an “impressive” DC job. I don’t make much but I do have status.

Do you *really* think some mid-level admin job at Dept of State provides you “status”? Your husband sounds like an interesting person who most everyone can talk to, you sound like a middle-aged suburban gov drone with a side of mild mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Since you made a mistake by marrying him, you can rectify that by divorcing him so he can go find someone that appreciates him. What are you waiting for?

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, OP was raised in an upper middle class background, while her DH was more lower middle class. It seems like women have trouble dealing with men from lower socioeconomic backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like we've met you on DCUM before. This is not your first post about this.

+1. I'm thinking this is a troll ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that the qualities that drive someone to have a successful, respectable career are also qualities that can make them lousy in a relationship. My DH is like this- he has a highly respected career and is one of the top in his field. When he visits other offices within the organization, people excitedly whisper to each other "that's <DH's name>!" to each other. But the things that made him great- meticulousness, holding people to extremely high standards, anxiety, the drive to get a million things done each day- are exhausting at home. If he comes home and something isn't done- like there's a couple dishes in the sink- I'm grilled on how I spent my day and told I need to be more productive. He dictates how I should do things, even things he knows nothing about, such as my own job. Sometimes his anxiety takes over and he becomes unbearable to be around, or will wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me- not that I did anything wrong, he just needs to get the anxiety out somehow. He's also constantly frustrated that I am not at the same level in my career as he is, and that my career isn't as prestigious as his.

Sure, things were fun at first. For awhile, it's a lot of fun being with the most respected guy in the room. Also leads to a lot of really hot sex in the beginning. But our marriage is so damaged that neither of us is really interested or attracted to the other. I look back regretfully on the times I passed over really great guys because they had a mediocre job.

Wow. I'm really sorry to read this, PP. I applaud your honest and reflective account of your situation. I hope you can use that insight to improve your situation, however that ends of working out.

x100000

I can attest to this. People think "wow, so and so is SO smart!" But what you don't know, is how dreadful he is at home - how he is controlling and not interested in his family, how many issues he has from his family of origin, that will never, ever be fixed because "they see nothing wrong" with their abusive dynamics, and they win because he caters to them, and the cycle continues - how he is abusive because that is what he learned growing up. No one outside would ever, in a million years, or just by looking at DH, expect how difficult and abusive he is at home. "He's smart! He must be rich! He must be perfect!" - No, he is a far cry from any of those things. You would not ever want to change shoes, believe me.

You're so right. Mary M. Scharf and J. Michale Farren were a Washington power couple. Both lawyers at Big Law firms and he a former White House Counsel, Undersecretary of Commerce. Their wedding was announced in the NYT. Then he tried to kill her. He is now serving 15 years and is prohibited from ever having contact with his two daughters. I read of another case in Potomac, MD of a woman whose high powered Washington DH also beat her. I can't recall the case now, but OP thank your lucky stars for your DH as he is b/c you could be married to someone llike Mr. Farren.

[Anonymous]

I learned today that in D.C. being employed at State causes people to fawn over you and being self-employed as a P.I. is the source of mockery.

[Anonymous]

Well, if my husband ever said I didn't have any gravitas or status in our social circle, I'd lose all respect for him pretty quick, so...

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like OP. Her husband is a PI. She is a cardiac surgeon. She has a touch of arrogance to her, like we should all worship her for her job. But no one does. Her stories are boring and she's kind of a bitch.

Now her husband, he is also a PI. He is FASCINATING to talk to. I love his stories. I love how he pays attention to small details. He always has us laughing when he creates stories about people around us based on his observations. She always seems to be bothered by this. Up until now I figured it was because she was jealous about how no one really cared about her stories. Now I'm wondering if she thinks like OP

[Anonymous]

Who is Keyser Soze?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have this job when you married him? Then it’s on you. And you need to get over your resentment or let him go. He sounds perfectly fine. A job he’s good at and which makes a decent living to boot. His only negative is an status obsessed spouse.

First of all, working at State is not that cool, DC or not. Don't you all do like 5 years of pushing visa papers around to begin with? Now if you said Carlyle, NEA, Revolution, CBRE, or some lobbyist firm I'd be impressed.

Second of all, you are clearly jealous of your husband Op. he makes too much money for what he does, it's fascinating work but not cerebral enough for you, he gets lots of fun comments at parties,etc etc. Do you hear yourself?!? Why do you loathe your spouse so much? Wtf?

I totally agree. I was part of the US Mission at several overseas locations (not with State) and I can see how OP fits in nicely with that crowd. Although there are some exceptions, State people aren't those I'd be interested in hanging out with. Their hubris is unbearable. On the other hand, talking to a PI would be fascinating. I'd also be interested in talking to someone who works for the Nats (I talked with a guy who cuts many of the team members hair!), the Alexandria City Crier or Banksy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have this job when you married him? Then it’s on you. And you need to get over your resentment or let him go. He sounds perfectly fine. A job he’s good at and which makes a decent living to boot. His only negative is an status obsessed spouse.

First of all, working at State is not that cool, DC or not. Don't you all do like 5 years of pushing visa papers around to begin with? Now if you said Carlyle, NEA, Revolution, CBRE, or some lobbyist firm I'd be impressed.

Second of all, you are clearly jealous of your husband Op. he makes too much money for what he does, it's fascinating work but not cerebral enough for you, he gets lots of fun comments at parties,etc etc. Do you hear yourself?!? Why do you loathe your spouse so much? Wtf?

I totally agree. I was part of the US Mission at several overseas locations (not with State) and I can see how OP fits in nicely with that crowd. Although there are some exceptions, State people aren't those I'd be interested in hanging out with. Their hubris is unbearable. On the other hand, talking to a PI would be fascinating. I'd also be interested in talking to someone who works for the Nats (I talked with a guy who cuts many of the team members hair!), the Alexandria City Crier or Banksy.

People who work for State are insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that the qualities that drive someone to have a successful, respectable career are also qualities that can make them lousy in a relationship. My DH is like this- he has a highly respected career and is one of the top in his field. When he visits other offices within the organization, people excitedly whisper to each other "that's <DH's name>!" to each other. But the things that made him great- meticulousness, holding people to extremely high standards, anxiety, the drive to get a million things done each day- are exhausting at home. If he comes home and something isn't done- like there's a couple dishes in the sink- I'm grilled on how I spent my day and told I need to be more productive. He dictates how I should do things, even things he knows nothing about, such as my own job. Sometimes his anxiety takes over and he becomes unbearable to be around, or will wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me- not that I did anything wrong, he just needs to get the anxiety out somehow. He's also constantly frustrated that I am not at the same level in my career as he is, and that my career isn't as prestigious as his.

Sure, things were fun at first. For awhile, it's a lot of fun being with the most respected guy in the room. Also leads to a lot of really hot sex in the beginning. But our marriage is so damaged that neither of us is really interested or attracted to the other. I look back regretfully on the times I passed over really great guys because they had a mediocre job.

hah, I can relate to this. I'm the PP whose husband built his own business (and no we are not billionaires, not by a long shot! lol I wish. His company is worth a few million though). Anyway My husband doesn't do it anymore but that's only because he knows better not to now. He used to do it though early on in our marriage and I had to make a serious issue out of it several times (throwing out the D card) if he kept it up. I had to tell him point blank that if he wanted to stay married to me, he needed to learn to keep thoughts like this to himself because there was no way in hell I would put up with it. If he wants to live as a perfectionist? Fine and dandy but I have no desire to do so.

He hasn't done it now in several years but he's still weirdly perfectionist about stupid stuff around the house. I'll give you an example. Yesterday the kids went to a party where they carved pumpkins. DH picked them up and brought them home. I hear the kids come in the house but no DH. I look out the window - he's in the backyard "fixing" the pumpkins! When I asked what he was doing, he said their pumpkins needed a little help - they needed to be carved deeper so that light could shine through at night if a candle was put in them. He actually got out his drill and carved these damn things. That is the kind of thing I have no time for myself. I guess it's that kind of drive that makes him successful though. I don't get it.

funny that you're complaining about this because what I hear from this story is a good dad who cares about his kids and is trying to help them accomplish a goal. According to you, they carved those pumpkins with the idea that they'll put them outside as jack-o-laterns. If you want to see the light shining through them, they have to be carved all the way through. A lot of posters are always on here complaining about their husbands NOT helping out with this kind of home stuff.

[Anonymous]

DH is rodeo clown. When a rider gets knocked off a bull he runs around and flaps his arms to try to distract the bull and give the rider a chance to get away. I am concerned this work is not dignified. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

My DH has status and gravitas but he's a narcissist and not a great guy. The good news is that he is working hard at getting better so he's at the level of a good guy. But I'd love to start with a great guy. If your social circle doesn't respect him get better friends.