If you respect and admire your husband I envy you

[Anonymous]

If you don’t respect and admire your husband then you need to leave-now. Not for your sake but for for his. You sound like a cold and callus bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy!! OP is insufferable. Nothing more off-putting than people who are preoccupied with social status. So empty.

And people make fun of them relentlessly behind their backs and they don't even know.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has a cool job that interests people and he makes good money. WTF is actually going on here?

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that the qualities that drive someone to have a successful, respectable career are also qualities that can make them lousy in a relationship. My DH is like this- he has a highly respected career and is one of the top in his field. When he visits other offices within the organization, people excitedly whisper to each other "that's <DH's name>!" to each other. But the things that made him great- meticulousness, holding people to extremely high standards, anxiety, the drive to get a million things done each day- are exhausting at home. If he comes home and something isn't done- like there's a couple dishes in the sink- I'm grilled on how I spent my day and told I need to be more productive. He dictates how I should do things, even things he knows nothing about, such as my own job. Sometimes his anxiety takes over and he becomes unbearable to be around, or will wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me- not that I did anything wrong, he just needs to get the anxiety out somehow. He's also constantly frustrated that I am not at the same level in my career as he is, and that my career isn't as prestigious as his.

Sure, things were fun at first. For awhile, it's a lot of fun being with the most respected guy in the room. Also leads to a lot of really hot sex in the beginning. But our marriage is so damaged that neither of us is really interested or attracted to the other. I look back regretfully on the times I passed over really great guys because they had a mediocre job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that the qualities that drive someone to have a successful, respectable career are also qualities that can make them lousy in a relationship. My DH is like this- he has a highly respected career and is one of the top in his field. When he visits other offices within the organization, people excitedly whisper to each other "that's <DH's name>!" to each other. But the things that made him great- meticulousness, holding people to extremely high standards, anxiety, the drive to get a million things done each day- are exhausting at home. If he comes home and something isn't done- like there's a couple dishes in the sink- I'm grilled on how I spent my day and told I need to be more productive. He dictates how I should do things, even things he knows nothing about, such as my own job. Sometimes his anxiety takes over and he becomes unbearable to be around, or will wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me- not that I did anything wrong, he just needs to get the anxiety out somehow. He's also constantly frustrated that I am not at the same level in my career as he is, and that my career isn't as prestigious as his.

Sure, things were fun at first. For awhile, it's a lot of fun being with the most respected guy in the room. Also leads to a lot of really hot sex in the beginning. But our marriage is so damaged that neither of us is really interested or attracted to the other. I look back regretfully on the times I passed over really great guys because they had a mediocre job.

Wow. I'm really sorry to read this, PP. I applaud your honest and reflective account of your situation. I hope you can use that insight to improve your situation, however that ends of working out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has an MD/PhD, a stratospheric IQ, does scientific research...
and refuses to treat his severe ADHD, which makes him a lousy husband and father. I have lost so much respect for him, because he thinks only of himself and can't figure out how to care for anyone else, logistically or emotionally.

Would you rather have that, OP?

x10000

OP, be careful what you wish for - better the devil you know instead of the devil you don't.......sorry for the cliches, but they are true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that the qualities that drive someone to have a successful, respectable career are also qualities that can make them lousy in a relationship. My DH is like this- he has a highly respected career and is one of the top in his field. When he visits other offices within the organization, people excitedly whisper to each other "that's <DH's name>!" to each other. But the things that made him great- meticulousness, holding people to extremely high standards, anxiety, the drive to get a million things done each day- are exhausting at home. If he comes home and something isn't done- like there's a couple dishes in the sink- I'm grilled on how I spent my day and told I need to be more productive. He dictates how I should do things, even things he knows nothing about, such as my own job. Sometimes his anxiety takes over and he becomes unbearable to be around, or will wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me- not that I did anything wrong, he just needs to get the anxiety out somehow. He's also constantly frustrated that I am not at the same level in my career as he is, and that my career isn't as prestigious as his.

Sure, things were fun at first. For awhile, it's a lot of fun being with the most respected guy in the room. Also leads to a lot of really hot sex in the beginning. But our marriage is so damaged that neither of us is really interested or attracted to the other. I look back regretfully on the times I passed over really great guys because they had a mediocre job.

Wow. I'm really sorry to read this, PP. I applaud your honest and reflective account of your situation. I hope you can use that insight to improve your situation, however that ends of working out.

x100000

I can attest to this. People think "wow, so and so is SO smart!" But what you don't know, is how dreadful he is at home - how he is controlling and not interested in his family, how many issues he has from his family of origin, that will never, ever be fixed because "they see nothing wrong" with their abusive dynamics, and they win because he caters to them, and the cycle continues - how he is abusive because that is what he learned growing up. No one outside would ever, in a million years, or just by looking at DH, expect how difficult and abusive he is at home. "He's smart! He must be rich! He must be perfect!" - No, he is a far cry from any of those things. You would not ever want to change shoes, believe me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has a cool job that interests people and he makes good money. WTF is actually going on here?

+1

OP, believe m when I tell you, if your husband is a nice guy (truly) behind closed doors, then MYOB and enjoy what YOU have. Don't be trying to take stock of other people - it is not what it appears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy!! OP is insufferable. Nothing more off-putting than people who are preoccupied with social status. So empty.

And people make fun of them relentlessly behind their backs and they don't even know.

+1

[Anonymous]

I feel like we've met you on DCUM before. This is not your first post about this.

[Anonymous]

Did he have this job when you married him? Then it’s on you. And you need to get over your resentment or let him go. He sounds perfectly fine. A job he’s good at and which makes a decent living to boot. His only negative is an status obsessed spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that the qualities that drive someone to have a successful, respectable career are also qualities that can make them lousy in a relationship. My DH is like this- he has a highly respected career and is one of the top in his field. When he visits other offices within the organization, people excitedly whisper to each other "that's <DH's name>!" to each other. But the things that made him great- meticulousness, holding people to extremely high standards, anxiety, the drive to get a million things done each day- are exhausting at home. If he comes home and something isn't done- like there's a couple dishes in the sink- I'm grilled on how I spent my day and told I need to be more productive. He dictates how I should do things, even things he knows nothing about, such as my own job. Sometimes his anxiety takes over and he becomes unbearable to be around, or will wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me- not that I did anything wrong, he just needs to get the anxiety out somehow. He's also constantly frustrated that I am not at the same level in my career as he is, and that my career isn't as prestigious as his.

Sure, things were fun at first. For awhile, it's a lot of fun being with the most respected guy in the room. Also leads to a lot of really hot sex in the beginning. But our marriage is so damaged that neither of us is really interested or attracted to the other. I look back regretfully on the times I passed over really great guys because they had a mediocre job.

Wow. I'm really sorry to read this, PP. I applaud your honest and reflective account of your situation. I hope you can use that insight to improve your situation, however that ends of working out.

Thanks! I am working on improving things and seeing a therapist. I've seen a lot of improvement since I realized that my happiness is my own choice, and since I started taking ownership for my life. Sitting around crying about my owie- while it may be totally justified- makes things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that the qualities that drive someone to have a successful, respectable career are also qualities that can make them lousy in a relationship. My DH is like this- he has a highly respected career and is one of the top in his field. When he visits other offices within the organization, people excitedly whisper to each other "that's <DH's name>!" to each other. But the things that made him great- meticulousness, holding people to extremely high standards, anxiety, the drive to get a million things done each day- are exhausting at home. If he comes home and something isn't done- like there's a couple dishes in the sink- I'm grilled on how I spent my day and told I need to be more productive. He dictates how I should do things, even things he knows nothing about, such as my own job. Sometimes his anxiety takes over and he becomes unbearable to be around, or will wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me- not that I did anything wrong, he just needs to get the anxiety out somehow. He's also constantly frustrated that I am not at the same level in my career as he is, and that my career isn't as prestigious as his.

Sure, things were fun at first. For awhile, it's a lot of fun being with the most respected guy in the room. Also leads to a lot of really hot sex in the beginning. But our marriage is so damaged that neither of us is really interested or attracted to the other. I look back regretfully on the times I passed over really great guys because they had a mediocre job.

hah, I can relate to this. I'm the PP whose husband built his own business (and no we are not billionaires, not by a long shot! lol I wish. His company is worth a few million though). Anyway My husband doesn't do it anymore but that's only because he knows better not to now. He used to do it though early on in our marriage and I had to make a serious issue out of it several times (throwing out the D card) if he kept it up. I had to tell him point blank that if he wanted to stay married to me, he needed to learn to keep thoughts like this to himself because there was no way in hell I would put up with it. If he wants to live as a perfectionist? Fine and dandy but I have no desire to do so.

He hasn't done it now in several years but he's still weirdly perfectionist about stupid stuff around the house. I'll give you an example. Yesterday the kids went to a party where they carved pumpkins. DH picked them up and brought them home. I hear the kids come in the house but no DH. I look out the window - he's in the backyard "fixing" the pumpkins! When I asked what he was doing, he said their pumpkins needed a little help - they needed to be carved deeper so that light could shine through at night if a candle was put in them. He actually got out his drill and carved these damn things. That is the kind of thing I have no time for myself. I guess it's that kind of drive that makes him successful though. I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Op - sorry to say this but you don't deserve your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has an MD/PhD, a stratospheric IQ, does scientific research...
and refuses to treat his severe ADHD, which makes him a lousy husband and father. I have lost so much respect for him, because he thinks only of himself and can't figure out how to care for anyone else, logistically or emotionally.

Would you rather have that, OP?

Sounds like my mathematician husband...

And my overly schooled banker husband...