Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws were super helpful when they visited. My husband warned me that they would help and if I didn't direct them, they'd decide themselves HOW to help.

So I made lists. A list of things I wanted changed/fixed in the house (leaking kitchen sink, balcony doors don't close right, etc) and a list of errands (return stuff in Gap bag to Gap, exchange Janie & Jack stuff for one size up). DH and I also had a mental list in our heads of easy/quick things we could ask them to do when they'd say "what can I do to help?". Actually, if you could take the garbage and recycling out. If you wouldn't mind walking the dog - she'll lead you on her normal route around the block.

I also introduced them to some nice old people their age who live near us, so they could go to the museums with new friends.

Same here. My dad loves it when we have handyman-type tasks for him--assembling furniture, hanging pictures, minor repairs, etc. It's what he's good at, and he likes to have a few things to do when he visits--he actually doesn't like just showing up and sitting around.

+1 I also make lists of stuff that should eventually get done but isn't urgent and take it out when grandparents visit. If I didn't do so, all grandparents would invent chores to do and it wasn't always things I wanted or needed done. My FIL is great at handyman stuff and anything that involves fixing up our (old) house. My MIL loves to organize and review my kids' closets and move out things they're outgrown. My mother cooks and does laundry. My dad gardens and does yardwork. They're all super-helpful in their own way, but FIL wouldn't like to do laundry and my parents are lost at handyman stuff--so it's a matter of matching the chore with the interest/talent of the person.

[Anonymous]

My dad behaves like a toddler and gets jealous that my mom is spending time with dcs. My mom does some things to help that infuriate me and aren't helpful, like lawn care (we have a service), cleaning beside the cleaning lady while announcing that "I work so hard when I'm visiting", putting new sheets on the guest bed when they arrive even though I just did it for them the night before. My FIL is super nice and helped a few times, but he worked until age 81 so he visited rarely, and dh's brother monopolized his free time to help with his dcs. MIL explained that she wasn't looking forward to being a grandparent and wasn't going to help, so there wouldn't be any surprises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and I am grateful for it.

My MIL was tolerant of our messy ways and helped to cook. She is frail now and can't travel, though.

My father is the perfect "housewife". He spent a lifetime working outside the home bringing home the bacon, but really missed his calling He cooks, cleans, tidies up in a logical way, sews clothes, drives kids around to their activities, is super gentle with babies, and they all love him and eat his food. Unfortunately he comes as a package deal with my mother.

He does sound great, but I know what you mean. We have friends like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4 sets? As in both your parents are separated/widowed/etc and so you each have two separate parent sets that visit? That could be tough... and none of the four sets help? Or is it just the one that's especially unhelpful? I only have 2 sets but my problem is the unhelpfulness plus they visit a LOT for being out of town. We are at 4 1/2 months and each set has visited 3 times already.

Yes. Two of the parents are remarried, so they come separately with their spouses. The other two have long term boyfriend/girlfriends but generally come alone. TBH it's exhausting but my big complaint is with the MIL. She was a single mother growing up by choice (two divorces) and looooves to be spoiled by DH. When she is here DH caters to her, cooking food or getting expensive carryout to accommodate her insane vegan diet and doing all the cleaning, and then all she does is hang out with the baby. When I call DH out on it he says it is his choice and he wants to spoil his mother. He seems to feel perpetual guilt for the sacrifices she made while she raised him and the fact that he moved away out of state. She is now coming to visit every 2.5-3 months which I think is too much, and she lays the guilt on thick when she is here about how hard it is to be away from her grandchild and starts asking when she can come on her next trip before she's even left. When she makes an offer to do something to help, DH refuses and does it himself, then ends up resentful. I try to help him with the cooking and cleaning but then get mad when we are both spending our weekends doing all the cooking and dishes while she hangs out with our kid, which we rarely get a chance to do during the week. But then he gets mad at me for being mad at her.

FWIW I am grateful she loves her grandchild and is working to have an active relationship but I don't know how to get her to pitch in when DH doesn't see the need for her to lift a finger. My feeling is that if she wants to come down as often as she is and DH is buying some or all of her flights and we are paying for all her fancy groceries and special meals since she won't eat what we normally cook, then she should do some things to help us. But DH doesn't agree and seems to think her visits need to be a vacation for her. This has become a huge sticking point for us.

Okay, your MIL doesn't have money, she doesn't have a car to get around, and she doesn't have a second set of hands to help her. I think all those things make a difference. Not to say she can't help, but it is easier and less work to do those things with more resources and assistance. My parents are divorced and they don't have a lot of money. They don't have the budget to do takeout for themselves, take the kids out to activities that cost money, or take us out to eat. My in-laws are still married and in a different financial situation plus they drive to us when they visit and have their own car to get around. They can get their own meal and say "don't worry about us" or take us all out to dinner. One may get tuckered out with the baby and my other in-law may wash the dishes or now the law. When they go out with a toddler, they get to play two on one - in their favor. When my parents visit we grocery shop and have on hand the foods that they will eat. They tend to stay in the house other than taking the kids on the walk or in a stroller. For any of our parents there is the cleaning and grocery shopping frenzy for us before they come but once here we don't expect them to help us with housework, we just expect that they don't increase our work tenfold. We will ask them what they want in the house for breakfast and lunch and make it clear we don't make breakfast and lunch. The family dinner will sometimes be takeout, sometimes DH will grill, sometimes a simple meal. Only one cooked meal is provided per day since that is what we do when it's just us. We may use paper plates for some of the meals (like grilling or takeout) for easier cleanup with guest. Both my in-laws and parents would watch our children and let us go out for a date lunch or night. We didn't like the idea of a babysitter when the kids were so young so the only time we got alone time without kids was when our parents visited.

So we didn't expect our parents to wash, do laundry, sweep floors etc. If they did, that was wonderful but over and beyond. We did want them to spend time with the kids and let us get a break - which they did. We also expected them to figure out the meals other than dinner and we were willing to get specific groceries for them to do so. For your MIL, I think the compromise is you buy her specialized food, but she has to cook some of her own meals. Maybe one of the nights your DH cooks and you all try a vegan dish so only one meal is getting cooked. One night you guys go out while she is with the baby. Another night you all go out to eat. So MIL is still getting a vacation - it is just more like the one when you rent a condo with a kitchen and still have to cook for few nights or you buy the groceries or have some act of service (in your case watching her grandchild while you guys go out) as you would if your friend invited you to stay at their beach house for free for a week. It's not a week at a hotel.

[Anonymous]

My MIL passed before gkids. My FIL was hospitalized on and off for years. Died 3 months after kid number 2 was born, DH spent paternity leave in New England with his Dad, avoiding all child care. My sister's MIL came to stay for a few weeks after my second niece was born. She got drunk, fell down the cellar stairs and broke her hip. My sister had to nurse her for weeks until she was stable enough to travel. My parents refuse to drive in the city, criticize my house, and want to be entertained. I am glad to know that I am not the only one who gets exasperated!

[Anonymous]

My parents: hugely helpful. Make food, clean up, hold the baby, change the baby, whatever.
ILs: FIL is helpful, MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot.

We flew them out to visit to see their grandchild-- after 30 min MIL was tired of playing with him and just wanted to watch TV. DH asked her to interact with grandchild, she said no- that she already had.

Seriously, just stay home if you're going to be a lump on the couch for a week.

[Anonymous]

My mother was so amazing when I had both my kids. It still makes me tear up to remember seeing the things she had done after she had left (freezer full of my favorite foods, kids clothes clean and stacked into full outfits, ect). We moved closer to her when the my youngest was a year old and it's been amazing. My dad helps too especially now that the kids are elementary school aged.

Some of you all are assholes and I hope you change how you feel when your own children are in the trenches with new babies.

OP - just say no. You can't come to visit at that time. Sorry. I feel like it might be better for you if nobody comes rather than having them come and put that extra stress on you. The mother in law issue and your husband feeling like he needs to support her and cater to her, that's something else and lots of people have strained relationships with their MILs

[Anonymous]

My mom will help a lot. She just does dishes, tidies, cleans up the kitchen as if it is her house, which is awesome. My dad will always pay for stuff but is useless when it comes to housework. My MIL's heart is in the right place - she will always try to cook a meal for us at least once, for example. But she kind of acts helpless so it ends up creating more work for me when I have to e.g. buy her the stuff she needs to cook, assemble all the dishes she needs, clean up afterwards, etc. And she doesn't pay for anything and always brings her two youngest boys (college-age) who don't pay for anything either, so it's a big financial hit when they come.

[Anonymous]

My mom is hit or miss in terms of helping. Sometimes she's great, but if she doesn't get enough attention, she'll play the martyr and be a total pain. It's stressful.

For example, after my daughter was born she asked what I wanted to eat. I said I was craving a steak. There's a grocery store 2 blocks from my condo. Instead of buying a couple steaks, my mom bought about 30 pounds of meat. Why you ask? She wanted to make sure I got enough protein. Then she made the whole apartment reek of food while she prepared all of it. Of course, meat is perishable so we ended up having to throw away lots of it. But she got to complain about how her arms were killing her from carrying the heavy groceries and cooking nonstop. (Note that we got groceries delivered at that point, so the grocery store was more as a backup if we forgot an item or 2) She complained for months about hauling the super heavy groceries and played the martyr - again.

I'm always afraid to ask for anything because it's a 50/50 chance that she'll turn even the simplest request into a huge ordeal Starring her as the martyr that I will have to listen to her complain forever.

[Anonymous]

My parents- extremely helpful. Mom will do anything you ask of her, including cooking, housekeeping, anything baby-related. I didn't have to even ask- she offers and is sincere in wanting to help. My dad has done everything with the kids but change diapers. He announced he doesn't do that kind of thing, but also loves to feel helpful, so he really likes when he can help out with house projects.

My MIL and her boyfriend- they expect to be waited on. They've never once expressed any interest in spending time alone with the kids, who are now 7 and 9. When we're with them, they barely talk to the kids. In fact, they're coming next week and it's very stressful for my husband, as he feels he has to watch 4 kids instead of his own 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws were super helpful when they visited. My husband warned me that they would help and if I didn't direct them, they'd decide themselves HOW to help.

So I made lists. A list of things I wanted changed/fixed in the house (leaking kitchen sink, balcony doors don't close right, etc) and a list of errands (return stuff in Gap bag to Gap, exchange Janie & Jack stuff for one size up). DH and I also had a mental list in our heads of easy/quick things we could ask them to do when they'd say "what can I do to help?". Actually, if you could take the garbage and recycling out. If you wouldn't mind walking the dog - she'll lead you on her normal route around the block.

I also introduced them to some nice old people their age who live near us, so they could go to the museums with new friends.

So.ebof your "chores" call for handyman, not what parents should be expected to do! If someone asked me to fix a leaking sink, I would tell you to call a plumber. Cooking a couple of meals, cleaning kitchen a few times, okay. Laundry, no way. Cleaning your house. No.

NP here. My FIL would actually prefer to do things like fix a leaking sink or realign balcony doors than cook meals. He'd DEFINITELY prefer those things to doing laundry. He was a carpenter until he retired, and doing stuff like that is a) fun for him (according to him) and b) things that make him feel useful in ways that other people can't be. Maybe it wouldn't work for your parents/in-laws, but I think my FIL would actually be more comfortable fixing a leaking sink than feeding a baby at this point in his life.

My parents are extremely helpful and my dad would do stuff like this when he visited without my mom and DD was napping. He did home repairs, cleaned, and also washed pump parts. My mom would basically take over ALL the cooking. Now we live near them and they watch our kids full time. So grateful for them.

[Anonymous]

100%, sorry OP

[Anonymous]

The role of grandparents when new babies arrive is to help, not be hosted. My DD recently had a baby and my DW stayed with her for almost a week to do nothing but help. Prepare meals, do laundry, feed baby so mom could nap etc. etc. I visited for two hours and then got out of their way. Even though your baby is six months old its non-stop work with late night feedings. Having to play host to GP's is ridiculous. What's amazing to me is how clueless your relatives are!

[Anonymous]

After my DH went back to work my mom showed up for a week and did what great moms do - everything! My Dad visited briefly that week but quickly left as he'd be useless and bored to death. But everything we needed he bought! My IL's visited for a couple of days but did not stay with us. My MIL was helpful but nothing like my mom which I was OK with. Mom's rule! In a few weeks I'm taking my baby to FL for a week (DH coming for a few days) to visit my parents and Mom will help out again and my Dad will take DH to play golf. A perfect plan.

[Anonymous]

I have not read all the posts, but first of all, that sucks. Yes, most grandparents at least pretend to help. And I cannot get my parents to allow me to pick up a food bill when they are here.

Second of all, you can be nice and ask for specific help. Hey granny number 1, would you mind changing the diaper?

Third, it is ok to say no to the vista or ask that they stay in a hotel.

Fourth, it gets easier. Once your child is older, it is easier for older folks to play. You do not need to be able to do much to read a book to the kid. I think a lot of people are afraid of babies. Or think the mom wants to do everything.