Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
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Anonymous
| Currently hosting the second round of grandparent visits to see baby, and I'm super frustrated. We have 4 sets who all live out of town and they basically treat coming to stay in our tiny 2 BR like vacation and I'm exhausted. Even though baby is 6 months I'm still physically recovering from a very hard birth that limits my mobility somewhat still and baby has had health issues that have resulted in lots of night waking and consequently--major sleep deprivation for DH and myself so we are not really functioning well yet with all the demands of life and two full time jobs. Does anyone else's family actually help when they come? If so, what would they do? All I want is them to maybe pick up the cost of takeout one night or help with dishes but that seems like too much to ask. And I couldn't get either grandma to do a diaper change when baby was a newborn. Do other grandmas do this? |
Anonymous
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Speak up and set boundaries, or stop complaining. Your choice. Be an adult and communicate, or be a child and expect people to read your mind.
Talk to DH and get on the same page about what help is expected, and how best to communicate. And yes, my parents and ILs were very helpful, and my husband and I COMMUNICATED WITH THEM when we needed to "tweak" the arrangements a bit. |
Anonymous
| "Hey Mom and Dad, we'd love for you to visit in April, but to be honest, we are up for help, not hosting. If you choose to come, please know I will need help with cooking, shopping, diapering, and laundry. If that sounds too much and you'd rather wait until we are back in hosting mode, then we'll have to talk later about visiting another time." |
Anonymous
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Yes, others grandparents do these things.
If yours don't help, there's only one thing to do, which is to tell them exactly what you need. (Or just suck it up). Ask them to be responsible for dinner a few nights. Definitely ask them to do dishes ("I"ve got to give the baby a bath, could you do kitchen cleanup?" Also, ask them to babysit while you take a nap during the day. My parents were helpful. My fil however, ugh. Luckily he was only here a few days. I sucked it up. All he wanted to do was hold the baby or sit in the chair next to the bassinet while I catered to him. I've gotten pretty good at speaking up since then. |
Anonymous
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My in-laws were super helpful when they visited. My husband warned me that they would help and if I didn't direct them, they'd decide themselves HOW to help.
So I made lists. A list of things I wanted changed/fixed in the house (leaking kitchen sink, balcony doors don't close right, etc) and a list of errands (return stuff in Gap bag to Gap, exchange Janie & Jack stuff for one size up). DH and I also had a mental list in our heads of easy/quick things we could ask them to do when they'd say "what can I do to help?". Actually, if you could take the garbage and recycling out. If you wouldn't mind walking the dog - she'll lead you on her normal route around the block. I also introduced them to some nice old people their age who live near us, so they could go to the museums with new friends. |
Anonymous
| My parents were super helpful when they visited a week after I gave birth. Did grocery shopping, my dad walked the dogs, mom and I cooked, took care of the baby while I showered, all that jazz. When MIL visited, she only held baby because she has mobility issues and can't carry baby around, she can only sit and hold her. MIL (due to the mobility issues) needed to essentially be catered to so she didn't visit until a month after DD was born so I would be a bit more healed up (DH was back to work by then). If she didn't have health issues, I wouldn't have catered to her, I would have expected her to at the least take care of herself while I cared for DD and myself. |
Anonymous
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You sound whiny. how old are you? You are physically recovering six months later? Did you birth an elephant? Sounds like you have poor coping skills.
You are so poor you just want them to pick up the tab for take out once? Wtf? |
Anonymous
| Both families visit from overseas so they stay longer. My mom is the best. She does grocery shopping, cooks and does a little cleaning. My in laws on the other hand, expect us to host. My husband doesn't say anything because they only come visit once a year and he doesn't want to upset them. I get really stressed and we usually fight (dh and I). It's always hard but we go through it. |
Anonymous
| My parents are super helpful. My MIL was a PITA and we really limited her visits. She would sit on the couch and expected to be waited on. My husband backed me up so it worked out. |
Anonymous
Takeout for 4 adults=$60 per night. Times 3 nights=$180 per set. Times 4 sets of grandparents=$720, plus buying groceries and DH paying for MIL's flight. We aren't poor but we aren't made of money either. And yes, I'm still recovering. No I didn't birth an elephant but I will probably need corrective surgery to fix my prolapsed organs. I can't walk far or pick up heavy things or wear the baby, as it makes the pain and discomfort worse. Exercise is out of the question. Thanks for the sympathy. |
Anonymous
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Yes, and I am grateful for it.
My MIL was tolerant of our messy ways and helped to cook. She is frail now and can't travel, though. My father is the perfect "housewife". He spent a lifetime working outside the home bringing home the bacon, but really missed his calling  He cooks, cleans, tidies up in a logical way, sews clothes, drives kids around to their activities, is super gentle with babies, and they all love him and eat his food. Unfortunately he comes as a package deal with my mother.
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Anonymous
This is great advice. It's hard for me to do as I'm not a good delegator, but when I can it really makes everyone happier. When my MIL visits she's great about watching my DD on her own. I leave the house for most of the day- run errands, meet friends for lunch and even just sit at Starbucks. Even if you can't ask them to do specific tasks for you maybe just ask them to watch your baby so you can get out. I'm also not afraid to disappear upstairs for a nap when my DD is napping. |
Anonymous
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I think you need to speak up OP. Both my parents and in laws have been super helpful..but they needed guidance. E.g.: you have to do the cooking, I need help cleaning/vacuuming or whatever. But you have to tell them. That and tell them they need hotel
Rooms. |
Anonymous
NP who does have sympathy for you; that sounds very tough. But honestly...if you are that bad off and haven't yet figured out that you need to OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS during this difficult time, then you are either an idiot, a doormat, or both. |
Anonymous
I have, but they just don't seem to get it. Example: I asked my MIL to do laundry and then she insisted that I needed to show her how, after I sorted all the clothes for her, Gave her the coins, keys to the laundry room, detergent, and directions to the laundry room. So I told her to forget it and did it myself. She's also a vegan and won't eat anything we cook--so we have to figure out completely different meals. She also won't eat white flour, pasta, etc so it's almost impossible. And then DH undermines me. He has perpetual guilt because his mom was a poor single mother and constantly reminds him of all the sacrifices she made for him and makes him feel guilty that he moved away. So he races around trying to cater to her. I realize more effective communication is needed but with some of the parents, it doesn't work or they are overwhelmed by the request... |