Reply to Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]4 sets? As in both your parents are separated/widowed/etc and so you each have two separate parent sets that visit? That could be tough... and none of the four sets help? Or is it just the one that's especially unhelpful? I only have 2 sets but my problem is the unhelpfulness plus they visit a LOT for being out of town. We are at 4 1/2 months and each set has visited 3 times already. [/quote]

Yes. Two of the parents are remarried, so they come separately with their spouses. The other two have long term boyfriend/girlfriends but generally come alone. TBH it's exhausting but my big complaint is with the MIL. She was a single mother growing up by choice (two divorces) and looooves to be spoiled by DH. [b]When she is here DH caters to her, cooking food or getting expensive carryout to accommodate her insane vegan diet and doing all the cleaning, and then all she does is hang out with the baby. When I call DH out on it he says it is his choice and he wants to spoil his mother. [/b]He seems to feel perpetual guilt for the sacrifices she made while she raised him and the fact that he moved away out of state. She is now coming to visit every 2.5-3 months which I think is too much, and she lays the guilt on thick when she is here about how hard it is to be away from her grandchild and starts asking when she can come on her next trip before she's even left. When she makes an offer to do something to help, DH refuses and does it himself, then ends up resentful. I try to help him with the cooking and cleaning but then get mad when we are both spending our weekends doing all the cooking and dishes while she hangs out with our kid, which we rarely get a chance to do during the week.  But then he gets mad at me for being mad at her.

FWIW I am grateful she loves her grandchild and is working to have an active relationship but I don't know how to get her to pitch in when DH doesn't see the need for her to lift a finger. My feeling is that if she wants to come down as often as she is and DH is buying some or all of her flights and we are paying for all her fancy groceries and special meals since she won't eat what we normally cook, then she should do some things to help us. But DH doesn't agree and seems to think her visits need to be a vacation for her. This has become a huge sticking point for us. [/quote]

Okay, your MIL doesn't have money, she doesn't have a car to get around, and she doesn't have a second set of hands to help her.  I think all those things make a difference. Not to say she can't help, but it is easier and less work to do those things with more resources and assistance. My parents are divorced and they don't have a lot of money.  They don't have the budget to do takeout for themselves, take the kids out to activities that cost money, or take us out to eat.  My in-laws are still married and in a different financial situation plus they drive to us when they visit and have their own car to get around.  They can get their own meal and say "don't worry about us" or take us all out to dinner. One may get tuckered out with the baby and my other in-law may wash the dishes or now the law.  When they go out with a toddler, they get to play two on one - in their favor.  When my parents visit we grocery shop and have on hand the foods that they will eat.  They tend to stay in the house other than taking the kids on the walk or in a stroller.  For any of our parents there is the cleaning and grocery shopping frenzy for us before they come but once here we don't expect them to help us with housework, we just expect that they don't increase our work tenfold.  We will ask them what they want in the house for breakfast and lunch and make it clear we don't make breakfast and lunch. The family dinner will sometimes be takeout, sometimes DH will grill, sometimes a simple meal.  Only one cooked meal is provided per day since that is what we do when it's just us.  We may use paper plates for some of the meals (like grilling or takeout) for easier cleanup with guest.    Both my in-laws and parents would watch our children and let us go out for a date lunch or night.  We didn't like the idea of a babysitter when the kids were so young so the only time we got alone time without kids was when our parents visited.

So we didn't expect our parents to wash, do laundry, sweep floors etc.  If they did, that was wonderful but over and beyond.  We did want them to spend time with the kids and let us get a break - which they did.  We also expected them to figure out the meals other than dinner and we were willing to get specific groceries for them to do so.  For your MIL, I think the compromise is you buy her specialized food, but she has to cook some of her own meals.  Maybe one of the nights your DH cooks and you all try a vegan dish so only one meal is getting cooked.  One night you guys go out while she is with the baby.  Another  night you all go out to eat. So MIL is still getting a vacation - it is just more like the one when you rent a condo  with a kitchen and still have to cook for few nights  or you buy the groceries or have some act of service (in your case watching her grandchild while you guys go out) as you would if your friend invited you to stay at their beach house for free for a week. It's not a week at a hotel.[/quote]

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