Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4 sets? As in both your parents are separated/widowed/etc and so you each have two separate parent sets that visit? That could be tough... and none of the four sets help? Or is it just the one that's especially unhelpful? I only have 2 sets but my problem is the unhelpfulness plus they visit a LOT for being out of town. We are at 4 1/2 months and each set has visited 3 times already.

Yes. Two of the parents are remarried, so they come separately with their spouses. The other two have long term boyfriend/girlfriends but generally come alone. TBH it's exhausting but my big complaint is with the MIL. She was a single mother growing up by choice (two divorces) and looooves to be spoiled by DH. When she is here DH caters to her, cooking food or getting expensive carryout to accommodate her insane vegan diet and doing all the cleaning, and then all she does is hang out with the baby. When I call DH out on it he says it is his choice and he wants to spoil his mother. He seems to feel perpetual guilt for the sacrifices she made while she raised him and the fact that he moved away out of state. She is now coming to visit every 2.5-3 months which I think is too much, and she lays the guilt on thick when she is here about how hard it is to be away from her grandchild and starts asking when she can come on her next trip before she's even left. When she makes an offer to do something to help, DH refuses and does it himself, then ends up resentful. I try to help him with the cooking and cleaning but then get mad when we are both spending our weekends doing all the cooking and dishes while she hangs out with our kid, which we rarely get a chance to do during the week. But then he gets mad at me for being mad at her.

FWIW I am grateful she loves her grandchild and is working to have an active relationship but I don't know how to get her to pitch in when DH doesn't see the need for her to lift a finger. My feeling is that if she wants to come down as often as she is and DH is buying some or all of her flights and we are paying for all her fancy groceries and special meals since she won't eat what we normally cook, then she should do some things to help us. But DH doesn't agree and seems to think her visits need to be a vacation for her. This has become a huge sticking point for us.

This would only be a problem for me if DH was also demanding that I do the accommodating. If he wants to spoil his mom, that's fine. Delightful, even. If he wants ME to spoil his mom, that's another story entirely.

+1 He wants to spoil mom, let him. And you relax and hang out with her and the baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4 sets? As in both your parents are separated/widowed/etc and so you each have two separate parent sets that visit? That could be tough... and none of the four sets help? Or is it just the one that's especially unhelpful? I only have 2 sets but my problem is the unhelpfulness plus they visit a LOT for being out of town. We are at 4 1/2 months and each set has visited 3 times already.

Yes. Two of the parents are remarried, so they come separately with their spouses. The other two have long term boyfriend/girlfriends but generally come alone. TBH it's exhausting but my big complaint is with the MIL. She was a single mother growing up by choice (two divorces) and looooves to be spoiled by DH. When she is here DH caters to her, cooking food or getting expensive carryout to accommodate her insane vegan diet and doing all the cleaning, and then all she does is hang out with the baby. When I call DH out on it he says it is his choice and he wants to spoil his mother. He seems to feel perpetual guilt for the sacrifices she made while she raised him and the fact that he moved away out of state. She is now coming to visit every 2.5-3 months which I think is too much, and she lays the guilt on thick when she is here about how hard it is to be away from her grandchild and starts asking when she can come on her next trip before she's even left. When she makes an offer to do something to help, DH refuses and does it himself, then ends up resentful. I try to help him with the cooking and cleaning but then get mad when we are both spending our weekends doing all the cooking and dishes while she hangs out with our kid, which we rarely get a chance to do during the week. But then he gets mad at me for being mad at her.

FWIW I am grateful she loves her grandchild and is working to have an active relationship but I don't know how to get her to pitch in when DH doesn't see the need for her to lift a finger. My feeling is that if she wants to come down as often as she is and DH is buying some or all of her flights and we are paying for all her fancy groceries and special meals since she won't eat what we normally cook, then she should do some things to help us. But DH doesn't agree and seems to think her visits need to be a vacation for her. This has become a huge sticking point for us.

This would only be a problem for me if DH was also demanding that I do the accommodating. If he wants to spoil his mom, that's fine. Delightful, even. If he wants ME to spoil his mom, that's another story entirely.

+1 He wants to spoil mom, let him. And you relax and hang out with her and the baby!

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone's parents visit for an extended time (a few days, not an afternoon) and not help AND not even interact with the baby? I sometimes have no idea why MIL comes over. She flies 3 hours to stay at our house saying she wants to help and is aching to see the baby, and then doesn't help, is picky about food, and doesn't even seem to enjoy holding the baby or playing with her. She might give a pumped bottle once and hold her when she first arrives and when she leaves, but otherwise she watches TV, eats all our junk food, takes walks by herself, naps in the afternoon, and goes to bed at 8:30. Like wtf why are you even here!!! I've asked directly for help and she rarely does it.

Uh, no. My MIL doesn't do chores or cook when she visits unless we ask(and I usually don't) , but when any of the grandparents are visiting I basically do nothing with my children. The kids only want the grandparents, and the grandparents are happy to play with them and take care of them. I have 3 though, so having someone to entertain the kids so I can get things done is huge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4 sets? As in both your parents are separated/widowed/etc and so you each have two separate parent sets that visit? That could be tough... and none of the four sets help? Or is it just the one that's especially unhelpful? I only have 2 sets but my problem is the unhelpfulness plus they visit a LOT for being out of town. We are at 4 1/2 months and each set has visited 3 times already.

Yes. Two of the parents are remarried, so they come separately with their spouses. The other two have long term boyfriend/girlfriends but generally come alone. TBH it's exhausting but my big complaint is with the MIL. She was a single mother growing up by choice (two divorces) and looooves to be spoiled by DH. When she is here DH caters to her, cooking food or getting expensive carryout to accommodate her insane vegan diet and doing all the cleaning, and then all she does is hang out with the baby. When I call DH out on it he says it is his choice and he wants to spoil his mother. He seems to feel perpetual guilt for the sacrifices she made while she raised him and the fact that he moved away out of state. She is now coming to visit every 2.5-3 months which I think is too much, and she lays the guilt on thick when she is here about how hard it is to be away from her grandchild and starts asking when she can come on her next trip before she's even left. When she makes an offer to do something to help, DH refuses and does it himself, then ends up resentful. I try to help him with the cooking and cleaning but then get mad when we are both spending our weekends doing all the cooking and dishes while she hangs out with our kid, which we rarely get a chance to do during the week. But then he gets mad at me for being mad at her.

FWIW I am grateful she loves her grandchild and is working to have an active relationship but I don't know how to get her to pitch in when DH doesn't see the need for her to lift a finger. My feeling is that if she wants to come down as often as she is and DH is buying some or all of her flights and we are paying for all her fancy groceries and special meals since she won't eat what we normally cook, then she should do some things to help us. But DH doesn't agree and seems to think her visits need to be a vacation for her. This has become a huge sticking point for us.

OP, it may not be guilt your husband is feeling but gratitude. Now that he's a parent he is probably grateful for all that she did as a single mom.

I found it helped to remember that just like being a parent, being a grandparent doesn't come with instructions. Some are better at it than others right off the bat! Even though baby care is pretty similar, she is out of practice and much older now. Agree with PP's who suggest giving very specific instructions otherwise she may not have a clue. Even though you gave her very specific instructions for the laundry, if she's never used anything like that, she's still going to be thrown for a loop.

[Anonymous]

None of our parents ever helped when they came to visit. They might play with a toddler for a bit, or hold a baby briefly, but only for entertainment value, not as a help so I could rest. And my parents, especially, expected me to host--feeding them, chatting, etc. even when I had a newborn.

[Anonymous]

OP - when my MIL/FIL come to visit, they do not do much as far as help. I learned long ago to let my DH plan for their visit and help. I don't plan dinners when tey are coming because I have babies and don't have time. If DH cares that his parents have a hot (not take-out) meal, it's on him to get it done. Same for planning the day's events. If his parents want to go out and about, need rides, other anything else - again, I don't do a thing. I let DH plan it, execute it, etc. My job is to take care of my baby - not take care of able-bodied adults. Also, my DH doesn't plan meals or activites for my parents - I do. He will help me, of course, and I would help him, but the planning is on me. He doesn't feel one iota of guilt if nothing is planned for my parents or if we all sit around looking at each other (or if he is alone with my parents while I nurse the baby), so I do the same with him. Your parents, your repsonsibility. His parents, his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound whiny. how old are you? You are physically recovering six months later? Did you birth an elephant? Sounds like you have poor coping skills.

You are so poor you just want them to pick up the tab for take out once? Wtf?

Takeout for 4 adults=$60 per night. Times 3 nights=$180 per set. Times 4 sets of grandparents=$720, plus buying groceries and DH paying for MIL's flight. We aren't poor but we aren't made of money either. And yes, I'm still recovering. No I didn't birth an elephant but I will probably need corrective surgery to fix my prolapsed organs. I can't walk far or pick up heavy things or wear the baby, as it makes the pain and discomfort worse. Exercise is out of the question. Thanks for the sympathy.

OP, the PP was a jerk.

But I just wanted to add that this attitude that women should be fully recovered immediately after birth is why so many injuries remain undiagnosed for so long. I'm glad you're on top of what's going on and taking care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the way you handle this is to disengage.

If your husband wants to spend his entire weekend cleaning, shopping, cooking and catering to his mom, that is his choice. You can choose not to get involved. You should eat the same food you normally eat, and by all means, spend time with your baby!

If your husband gets mad at you, that's a separate issue. Your MIL is never going to be helpful and she will always expect to be waited on. That is your DH's issue to deal with and by helping him you are enabling him. Your job during these visits is to be pleasant, that is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently hosting the second round of grandparent visits to see baby, and I'm super frustrated. We have 4 sets who all live out of town and they basically treat coming to stay in our tiny 2 BR like vacation and I'm exhausted. Even though baby is 6 months I'm still physically recovering from a very hard birth that limits my mobility somewhat still and baby has had health issues that have resulted in lots of night waking and consequently--major sleep deprivation for DH and myself so we are not really functioning well yet with all the demands of life and two full time jobs. Does anyone else's family actually help when they come? If so, what would they do? All I want is them to maybe pick up the cost of takeout one night or help with dishes but that seems like too much to ask. And I couldn't get either grandma to do a diaper change when baby was a newborn. Do other grandmas do this?

All grandparents and aunts/uncles helped out when they visited. They just didn't visit very often. MIL/FIL only came for 5 days after the first child and did not visit until the second child was 3. My parents came for about 6 days after the birth of each and came about once a year (unless we were hosting Thanksgiving or Christmas) after that. None did diaper changes though. But they did cook, buy take out, my mom would do laundry....... My mom basically said she would take care of me so I could take care of the baby.

I would suggest to your family that they stay in a hotel from now on because with the baby there isn't enough room. That will lift the burden somewhat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's great when guests pitch in but why do you think anyone would be clamoring to change diapers? You are literally the only person who will think your kid's shit doesn't stink.

I don't expect them to change diapers really, but if I am in the kitchen making them a dinner to accommodate their dietary restrictions and then cleaning up and doing all the dishes while they play with the baby--yes, I get annoyed when they are playing with the baby and then call me from the other room to come change her. Like, I'm cooking you dinner and have a ton going on and you still except me to drop it for a wet diaper? I wouldn't expect them to deal with a poop but a grandma who stays in my house for a week should be able to change a soap or two.

And for the PP who asked, the parents are ALL baby boomers.

Are they holding a gun to your head expecting you to make dinner and accommodate their dietary restrictions.

[Anonymous]

My mom, dad, and sister were a huge help. They lived nearby so someone would come over once a day and bring some food, do some dishes, walk the dog, and hold baby so I could shower. MIL, also local, came a few times and did nothing but hold baby.

[Anonymous]

Dh's parents are incredibly helpful and follow our routines. Otoh, my parents do not help and expect to be catered to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they baby boomers? My parents live in DC and haven't helped with a thing since i gave birth. I plan on asking my parents WHY this is. I'm interested in their perspective. They seem all about the take take take. In the past they've acted completely baffled if I ask for their help with something. Similar to OP, if I asked my mom to do the laundry she would act all flustered and want instructions and make this huge huge deal out of it.

Eh, I have Boomer parents and they are super helpful--they do laundry, make dinner, run errands, etc. And I've never asked. And while my FIL is useless, my MIL also pitches in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws were super helpful when they visited. My husband warned me that they would help and if I didn't direct them, they'd decide themselves HOW to help.

So I made lists. A list of things I wanted changed/fixed in the house (leaking kitchen sink, balcony doors don't close right, etc) and a list of errands (return stuff in Gap bag to Gap, exchange Janie & Jack stuff for one size up). DH and I also had a mental list in our heads of easy/quick things we could ask them to do when they'd say "what can I do to help?". Actually, if you could take the garbage and recycling out. If you wouldn't mind walking the dog - she'll lead you on her normal route around the block.

I also introduced them to some nice old people their age who live near us, so they could go to the museums with new friends.

So.ebof your "chores" call for handyman, not what parents should be expected to do! If someone asked me to fix a leaking sink, I would tell you to call a plumber. Cooking a couple of meals, cleaning kitchen a few times, okay. Laundry, no way. Cleaning your house. No.

NP here. My FIL would actually prefer to do things like fix a leaking sink or realign balcony doors than cook meals. He'd DEFINITELY prefer those things to doing laundry. He was a carpenter until he retired, and doing stuff like that is a) fun for him (according to him) and b) things that make him feel useful in ways that other people can't be. Maybe it wouldn't work for your parents/in-laws, but I think my FIL would actually be more comfortable fixing a leaking sink than feeding a baby at this point in his life.

Same here. My dad loves it when we have handyman-type tasks for him--assembling furniture, hanging pictures, minor repairs, etc. It's what he's good at, and he likes to have a few things to do when he visits--he actually doesn't like just showing up and sitting around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they baby boomers? My parents live in DC and haven't helped with a thing since i gave birth. I plan on asking my parents WHY this is. I'm interested in their perspective. They seem all about the take take take. In the past they've acted completely baffled if I ask for their help with something. Similar to OP, if I asked my mom to do the laundry she would act all flustered and want instructions and make this huge huge deal out of it.

Eh, I have Boomer parents and they are super helpful--they do laundry, make dinner, run errands, etc. And I've never asked. And while my FIL is useless, my MIL also pitches in.

+1

I feel very lucky because my (Boomer) parents are good with kids, know how to be helpful, and are not intrusive. My ILs are the opposite. I don't think it's a generational thing - just different personalities.